SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In my JFO thread, This0Is0Fine introduced himself to me by talking about needing to walk an "integrity adjacent" line after being betrayed. The wisdom it conveyed helped attract me to the community. I can acknowledge the taboos and societal shame that comes with staying with a cheater. And, with all sincerity, I can say "who the fuck cares"? Is there possibly an evolutionary benefit to isolating liars and betrayers? Yeah, probably. Does that mean every individual needs to bow in service to that cultural norm? Fuck no. Walk your walk, keep your eyes open and you will find the path best for you.

Apparently we needed three pages to demonstrate it.

(I am embarrased to say I just found the emoji"s)

@unhinged

I've found our dialogues to be unhelpful to each other or fellow readers historically, so I'm going to politely decline your offer. I believe I've answered your question in the form of analogy previously anyways.

To me, it showed extraordinary character. It's grit, the ability to deal with adversity without succumbing to it.

To this I say, maybe you need go get yourself an even worse partner and keep forgiving them! Like a real serial cheating scumbag. Best possible outcome for you! You can walk around glowing with your outstanding character and your ability to deal with adversity will be off the charts.

The above is a mild joke to attempt to lighten the mood of an awkward situation/ response.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 8:10 PM, Tuesday, August 25th]

To this I say, maybe you need go get yourself an even worse partner and keep forgiving them! Like a real serial cheating scumbag. Best possible outcome for you! You can walk around glowing with your outstanding character and your ability to deal with adversity will be off the charts.

The above is a mild joke to attempt to lighten the mood of an awkward situation/ response.

My gosh that is so nasty to claim that response is a "joke" DRS. It's not going to feel like a joke or lighten the mood when it's clearly a direct response to what they said, and it reads as sarcastic and condescending towards their personal character. I do not understand how on earth you could think a sarcastic, disrespectful response like that could possibly lighten things or make it less "awkward." You are not stupid, you know you can take your stand on the issues without treating people like this. This is disgusting and it harms the community (in my personal opinion).

[This message edited by torso1500 at 8:28 PM, Tuesday, August 25th]

To me, it showed extraordinary character. It's grit, the ability to deal with adversity without succumbing to it.

I would rather be putting my grit and character towards people and causes worthy of it. A woman who proved herself severely disloyal--not so much.

... 'R is possible if you want it' ....

Why in heaven's name do you keep dropping the '...and if the couple does the necessary work'? No one here says wanting R is all that is necessary for R - wanting is certainly necessary, but it's just as certainly not the only requisite.

Obviously, some people will consider it a hit to their self-respect and others will not.

Exactly. For the record, I don't see a moral superiority in one response or the other, although I agree with Unhinged on self-respect.. If a person decides they will respect themselves less if they choose one option instead of the other, I'd recommend the one that supports a higher level of self-respect, whichever option that is.

You saw how he was treating you and how he had manipulated you. Even if he apologised upon confrontation and vowed to make amends, would you stay at the company?

I don't see M as a business, although D certainly is. I want so much more from my M than I want from my employment - and I wanted a lot from my employment. And I was in IT, so I had plenty of opportunity at work.

I got a lot from my W during our years together before her A. Hell, she gave me some important support during her A. IMO - that is, for me - her A didn't wipe out the support she gave me through the decades. That was my choice, my evaluation. It may or may not be relevant to someone else.

I can quote an overwhelming number of people whose experiences of R directly align with how I describe it.

Hmmm ... I wouldn't call that R, and that's why I think it's a false description of R.

I see R as a process of resolving issues. If a couple hits an issue that can't be resolved, R ends. The folks who come here 10-15-20 years after being betrayed tend to report some rugsweeping or some other way of stifling oneself. Rugsweeping isn't R even when an MC or IC recommends it.

IMO, it's not R unless both partners assert themselves.

*****

@WBFA, I read you to imply that you wanted to R with your W, but her pre-emptive exit prevented that. Am I reading your posts correctly?

self-respect

I think for an awful lot of cases, when people say "self-respect" what they’re really saying is how they are viewed by others.

Social pressure is enormous. The courage required to stand against it is equally enormous.

The odds

I’ve always thought it was time well spent when someone new shows up here to tell them the odds of reconciliation. It’s a tough bet, with an awful lot of efforts failing fast, and plenty of others failing slow. Some make it through, but it is a minority.

Here’s the thing though. If you try to reconcile you either will or you won’t be successful. It is either a one or a zero. You just don’t know which one.

It’s like someone flipping a coin and slapping their hand over it. The uncertainty isn’t in how the coin will land, it is sitting there beneath your hand, either heads or tails. It has landed. The uncertainty is in your knowledge of it. And the only way to find out which way it goes is to do the work, to give it a try. You are successful if you figure out whether it is a zero or one.

If you really want to try and you have a realistic understanding of the challenge, then doing anything else would mean not being true to yourself. The worst case would be if you didn’t try because you were manipulated by a message on an anonymous forum.