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I already posted about the DD anniversary a while ago. But now the date is getting closer, and so is another one: the day right after DD is our anniversary (not our wedding anniversary, but the day we used to celebrate before we got married).

My WH was apparently hoping we’d spend that day together - create a new good memory. I understand that he wants to build on the good times. He wants us to reconnect with the better parts of our story.

But I can’t go through hell again on DD and then "celebrate us" the very next day. I’ve made plans for both days and I’ll be traveling alone.

One more thing I want to add: my WH is doing everything he can to help me feel safe again. He’s in therapy, completely transparent, and his behavior has changed a lot.

Does anyone have thoughts or experiences around relationship anniversaries?

Going into my first Anti-Versary....I wasn't really sure what I wanted other than to be distracted from what seemed like it was going to be a hellish day. You for you for making plans to deal with this in a way that feels right for you. I approached it with him as, "I'm going to be struggling....I'm struggling anticipating it....whatever you can do to help distract me would be great with the caveat that I don't know what that might be AND my plans might need to change in the moment while I work through this...I might need to be with you AND I might need to be far away from you....this is the realty of my situation right now." I also probably added something about it being his fault that I was in this situation.

Our first wedding anniversary post DDay, I felt similarly. Celebrating us just felt disingenuous to me.

The thing about an affair, is it torched the good and the bad of our marriage for me. I'm many years past DDay. But, in those early years....when I was still just trying to survive....remembering the good felt like another lie. As if in my mind, remembering our amazing wedding just reminded me that he was still the bastard who cheated on me. Eventually, I was able to start celebrating where we were now and the progress that we made. That was worthy of celebrating to me. Since then, we plan new exeperiences rather than focusing on the old.

Tell him what you need. If he's doing this hardwork to be safe, he'll understand. He may be disappointed, but that is a consequence of his choices...not yours. You can still love him, want to recover and reconcile and have the boundary that you're not going to be "yeah us!" for awhile or ever in the same way.

Our 45th wedding anniversary is on Saturday. We've been together 50 yrs. My H is dropping comments about making us a nice dinner at home and reflecting on our future 50th. Party? Trip?

I'm struggling with my feelings about "celebrating". I'm just not there yet. If anything, I can welcome our 3rd (since DD) of an honest M, but to pretend that we had an honest and authentic M for 45 yrs is too much for me right now.

We are now (both) committed to our M and unless some new revelation drops on my head We will be together til we die. I'm praying that I will one day be able to look at our life together and not be depressed. I can see the hope in his eyes and I feel bad that I can't reflect that same sentiment at the moment. Some day.

Totally sympathize. You're not alone.

Our first "big" DDay was right before my 40th birthday. Had a big party planned with friends. Went through with the party, made a fool of myself...

Second and final DDay was 2 days before our anniversary and W's birthday.

No great advice here, and everyone's different. But just posting to say I understand. It complicates celebrations like this, and ultimately it's something else to grieve, and hopefully redeem.

I was a wreck for essentially the whole of the A period in 2011 and 2012. I was better in 2013, but still messed up.

The 1st post-d-day wedding anniversary was 9 moths after d-day. I was unwilling to celebrate. I told my W that if she planned something that I liked and invited me along, I might accept. She did; I did; we had a good time.

Dates always meant something to me, and they still do. You've got wide latitude for deciding what you'll do. My reco is to go with your flow. If you start down a path and don't like it, change the path. No warning necessary.

Does anyone have thoughts or experiences around relationship anniversaries?

Same as you we had a date 23 August pre marriage.

I was never the guy giving attention to dates, but that changed for her.
After her physical affair that date died and I never ever mentioned it again.

It pains her. I don’t care.

We had our 10 years wedding anniversary last year, before I healed, and I wanted to make it special. She did not care.

After my switch, now it’s me who doesn’t care anymore.
And I don’t worry about how I will feel when the anniversaries come this year, I will tell you when the time comes, I suspect it will be just a sardonic smile and "this is the day of my biggest mistake " thought, we shall see.

Can tell you since my change she is suddenly seeming as looking forward to any date she can celebrate us somehow, no matter how small.

Too little too late?

Let your emotions guide you. That’s what they are for

I am divorced. For what it is worth my xh (as my tagline indicates) eventually became the man I always thought he was. It was my decision to divorce.

Any celebrations after dday were basically almost nonexistent. Much less year 1 as in your situation.

Do what feels best for you, your emotional and mental health. Do not force anything that you are not comfortable with. Go on your trip and enjoy yourself!

Take care.

Thanks, everyone! Sometimes it’s really hard for me to stay connected to my own needs (or even figure out what they are in the first place) while also trying to move things forward for us as a couple.

I think it’s not always easy for my WH to understand how slow this kind of healing process can be, and that a lot of it isn’t something I can just control or fix (intrusive thoughts and all that).

And honestly, for me it’s a huge win if I can feel calm and safe around him, even if it’s just for a few minutes. For him, progress would look like us celebrating our anniversary again.

When I explain it to him like that, he does get it. But it takes a lot of talking things through - and even then, there’s still disappointment on both sides.

Because he craves forgiveness.

If he can be forgiven by you, the victim, he might be able to forgive himself too.

Hence symbolism and celebration.

The hard truth is this:
Forgiveness may never come. And sure as hell he should never forgive himself for that behavior.

Understand it yes. Healing the flaws yes. Forgiveness to your betrayal choices never. He can become the man who would vomit and cut his dick off rather than cheat on his wife. No questions, he can absolutely do that and be proud of what he’s accomplished, with his head held high.

To become that man you also need no mercy for the version of you who did that. Not for the trauma but no mercy for the behavior and choices.

Yes it’s a stain on your soul, your life, and will never go away. This sucks.
But so we can say about your being betrayed, you had no choice you were only willingly and intentionally abused.

And that wound has been forced on you for your life, scars or not, staying or leaving for someone else, we will carry it until the day we die.

That’s the kind of "gift" our partners have given us.

Only complete oblivion of the abuser might reduce it to almost zero, but some impact will always influence you.

If the guilt sucks, this sucks an order of magnitude worse. No comparison.

Love can return, wounded but alive. Life can maybe get back to decent or even good, happiness is not impossible.

But as you will always carry his taint he should own it and stop worrying about what he wants you to feel. He just counts himself lucky you love him enough that he can lay eyes on you still, after taking everything from you and then some more.

Time to man up mr. you sure can, and find a reason to be proud of yourself. Don’t cling to your wife to feel better. Get better yourself. Then when you’ll get her smile that’s your reward, because you know you are finally changed.

And that’s just better than anything you ever had before.

I should have said this in my earlier post: I saw my W change. Anniversaries since 2014 have been very good. Four years of consistent behavior convinced me that we were on the track I wanted to be on and that we were on the same page in creating an M that we both wanted. (Lousy writing, but I think I wrote what I mean.)

It's good - very positive for healing and R, too - that you're following your own schedule, even though you don't know what your schedule is. The SI rule of thumb is 2-5 years to recover. I've spoken to a number of people in R, though, and we've agreed that R takes longer.

In any case, someday you'll know whether your WH has or hasn't changed. If he has and if you continue R, you may find anniversaries meaningful again.