SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Checking in after 9 years...How can it possibly be 9 years? Indeed, life goes on.

Here are a few lessons learned; some took years to emerge.

1. As so many said back at the time, I finally realized it mostly wasn't about me. But to say entirely not about me, well, is that possible? I don't think so.

2. Staying together, which we did, was very difficult. In some ways, it still is difficult at times.

3. If I had it to do over, I'd still decide to stay together. Finances and many other reasons to stay together matter once you're past the emotional craziness that comes in the early stages--a good friend ended his marriage and endured FINANCIAL WRECKAGE, to say the least; resentment by his children and other family members has not dissipated for him even though years have passed. My decision to stay together (I did see an attorney about divorce) may have been different if I'd been many years younger but I was not. She was not.

4. A satisfying sex life between us, except for rare periods, never came back. Once I was past the rage stage after DD 1&2, and after endless fighting and multiple counselors, I simply made myself move beyond and STOPPED BRINGING UP ANYTHING ABOUT IT, following the lead of Gottman and other noteworthy counselors. I went into do-the-best-you-can-to-be-a-good-partner mode. I'm a good partner--and actually, never was a bad partner before. This hasn't increased our shattered intimacy or improved our sex life. It is what it is. Now, I'm 73, healthy and fit, and have a healthy libido. Frustration is a fact of life. See # 6!

5. I don't think about it several times a day anymore--it's been 9 years after all. But I do still think about it several times a week. When I do, what I feel about now it is mostly sadness for both of us. In the first year (at least) what I felt was mostly anger and, truth be told, sorry for myself. In the early days after discovery, I oscillated between rage and daily pity parties. That passed.

6. The MOST important thing I did for my own well-being was choose to NOT BE A VICTIM. My understanding about human nature has grown enormously as a result of all this and that has been a very good thing. Letting go of fairy-tale notions and erroneous moral teaching was one result of this.

7. The emotional pain I felt was the worst thing of my life and IT DOES DIMINISH. If you're still in the crazy-intense stages of betrayal, my heart goes out to you. BUT...don't be a victim. Repeat: DON'T BE A VICTIM. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and say as many times as you must I WON'T BE A VICTIM.

8. It will take time but you'll come through. Unless you see yourself as victim. If that's the case for you, recovery will probably never happen.

Thank you. That was a really helpful thing for me to read today. I feel frozen, too scared to make a commitment one way or the other. So many valid reasons to choose either direction. It’s good to hear these points made from someone more far removed from discovery than myself.

I’m curious, did you feel like your wife "did reconciliation right"?

This just IRKS me!

4. A satisfying sex life between us, except for rare periods, never came back. Once I was past the rage stage after DD 1&2, and after endless fighting and multiple counselors, I simply made myself move beyond and STOPPED BRINGING UP ANYTHING ABOUT IT, following the lead of Gottman and other noteworthy counselors. I went into do-the-best-you-can-to-be-a-good-partner mode. I'm a good partner--and actually, never was a bad partner before. This hasn't increased our shattered intimacy or improved our sex life. It is what it is. Now, I'm 73, healthy and fit, and have a healthy libido. Frustration is a fact of life. See # 6!

My wife cheated - but (I was a LOT younger) didn't bail.

Well, we figured out how NOT to kill each other and stayed together.

I will be 80 soon and I "get my cookies off" regularly and so DOES SHE. We both work at making sure as such.

You still have work to do -

I worked as an engineer for decades - and THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE outcome for any "work" was perfection. Whatever it was, it had to WORK perfectly or it was not viable.

Same goes for human relations (in my book)

Seneca, I've been here for a little over 3 years, and it's good to see your long-term update. Life does go on. Thanks for checking back in with us! It sounds like you have made peace with your circumstances.

I wonder if, when you say "don't be a victim," you mean "don't get stuck in victimhood"? My take is that all BSes are victims of their WS's infidelity, but we don't have to let that define the rest of our lives. Getting stuck in a victimhood mentality stops a BS from reclaiming agency and working toward a satisfying future (whether via reconciliation, separation, or divorce).

Letting go of fairy-tale notions is a hard won lesson from all this, and one that I've also learned. Thanks for sharing your wisdom. I hope you continue to find peace and satisfaction over the next 9 years!

Thanks for the update. Infidelity changes us forever. You can choose to stay in misery or rise above it. No we never get completely over it, but we can heal and grow from it. I chose healing.

Seneca,

I was about to do a hard disagree on several of your concessions, especially the intimacy stuff, but…

I put myself squarely in your shoes, considering age, entanglements, available options, stakeholders, circumstances, and…

I’m not going to judge you. As long as you are genuinely happy, have found peace, and have at least fallen back into love with yourself, good for you.