SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all,

I joined in hopes of healing through discussion and a way to get my feelings out there. My wife and I have been married for 20 years, together for 25. We have built a beautiful life together and she has been my rock all this time. When I transitioned out of the military I self destructed and struggled for years to find my purpose again. She stuck by me and lifted me up and kept me going. Now over the past few years my mental health has taken its toll on our marriage and with a lack of communication and intimacy we were headed for a divorce anyway. I was blind to that until the end of March when I walked in on her making out with her best friend that is a lesbian. This was done at our son's birthday party, anyone could have walked in on them.

This is all still fresh and I am getting professional help in dealing with the betrayal and the divorce. We can't talk without her lashing out at me about how unhappy she has been and she doesn't love me anymore. We have two boys, and the oldest knows about the affair and is understandably mad at her. She continues to see this woman, often not coming home from work or being home for dinner. Gives me more time with the kids I guess though. Anyways, I am putting my brief story out there just to get it out. Now I have to find a new way forward without her in it.

There are several actresses who did not recognize their interests until middle age. A couple of them kept getting in and out of marriages. If she is truly in love with the OW you need to accept reality. She has moved on.

This is for you. Do you have PTSD? I hope you are seeing a therapist trained in this. There are ways to soften the symptoms so I hope you are looking after your health.

Your mental issues sound as if your wife became totally exhausted from it. If she had to constantly be on high alert it can truly affect you because of the stress takes on the body.

She has said she does not love you any more. Believe her and work together to help your children as you process through separation.

And get help with anxiety and rage and fear. They are probably what you are feeling right now.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 3:23 AM, Thursday, April 16th]

Hi OhioBP,

I’m sorry that you are going through all of this, and I hope posting here can help you heal.

It seems you are taking all the blame for this upon yourself. I hope one of the first things you can learn is that it’s not your fault. There were a lot of other options available to her. There’s never only ONE person to blame for lack of communication. The lack of intimacy must also be at least partly her fault! Seeing as how she’s apparently into women now.

The way she is going about this is cruel. Cheating in front of you and others, not coming home - that’s just rubbing your face in it. There’s no call for that ever. You seem to be taking the high road, which is commendable.

Take care of yourself, not just with your mental health but physical health too. Work out, make sure to eat and stay hydrated.

And if she hasn’t initiated the divorce proceedings, you probably should. If she can’t even talk without lashing out at you, it’s just abuse and you need to take steps to get you (and your kids) out of that situation.

[This message edited by Letmebefrank at 2:05 AM, Thursday, April 16th]

Sorry you find yourself here. Take care of your mental health and continue with IC. Be there for your children. You are not to blame for her choices. You can’t control her and make her want to stay. Your best path is to continue working to improve and heal. You need to do a hard 180, to give yourself some mental space to get your bearings. Read in the healing library and pinned posts for some excellent info. Do not engage with her or argue. No idle chit chat. She is moving on. Always value yourself. Good luck.

I’m sorry you are struggling with infidelity as well as other life stressors.

It doesn’t matter how "bad" things were — military career, kids, etc. have no bearing on cheating.

Your wife chose to cheat. And continues to cheat as well.

Please do not accept any blame for her actions. She could have gone to therapy or done something other than cheat.

Please consider getting some advice from an attorney in case this leads to a Divorce. Her continued cheating is not a good sign for your marriage.

You deserve better.