SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s been a month since I found out. This man I fell in love with, he’s kind and intelligent while being so handsome, I truly felt like the luckiest girl knowing he was mine. I never doubted him. I feel like a fool. Found out by accident, was not looking for it, so you can imagine how devastated and shocked I am.

I write this note as I reflect on my therapist saying that I am very lonely. And I don’t mind loneliness but I have been feeling so alone in this particular situation, and it bothers me. My intentions are clear : I need community, I need to relate, I need to know I’m gonna be ok, I need to know there’s hope for this relationship somehow. And if there’s only hope for me, for my future, that moving on is not scary if I want to consider it.

But right now, I’m not moving on, I want to make things better, I’m trying to rebuild. I’m not ready to let go.

(I’m not a native English speaker, so sorry if any of my writing sounds off, I also have a hard time with abbreviations)

I’m 27yo (F), have been in this relationship for 9 years, yes, almost a decade. My significant other (M) just turned 30.

48 hours before his birthday celebration on Valentine’s Day, I found out he was cheating on me and booking escorts on his lunch break. Saw texts about price list and he went 3 times in the last 4 months, he says he only just started the physical affair and I believe him because he had been acting very differently and anxious since Christmas. He has admitted that he was not able to do much with escorts and that the first time he went he just left abruptly unable to actually do it…

He didn’t deny anything when I confronted him, he was and he’s still remorseful and ashamed. He can’t stop saying he’s sorry. I wanted to know everything but he would not tell at first, so I searched through everything I could find, and the evidence I found starts in January 2023 (escort message on Snapchat), which he doesn’t recall. He was on multiple dating apps, he spent a lot of money on subscriptions. That part of the affair doesn’t really affect me since it’s digital but I’m sad that he talked to other women when all I wanted was for him to talk to me.

Since then he’s not letting his phone or tablet near me (but he gives access when I ask) it makes me so triggered that he’s still potentially hiding stuff, I can understand that knowing I went through it, is triggering for him, but he has to understand he chose this.

We moved away from our families and friends for his career in Oct 2023, so I now know he was on dating apps before asking me to make this big commitment for him. I feel betrayed beyond words knowing that.

He says it’s not about me at all, but I don’t know how can you cheat for this long without thinking about your significant other and the possibility of it ending things. I heard they all say this but I can’t wrap my head around it.

We’re one month in, I went to therapy (told him he’s gonna pay for my therapy and he agrees) and took care of myself, got an STI STD check (came back negative, we only have been intimate once in the physical cheating timeline he provided, this once we were protected so I knew there was almost no possibility of getting STI on my end), and at my demand he went to therapy too (it took him 3 weeks to book his own appointment), he did not get the sti std check yet but it’s a non-negotiable on my end that he share results with me, I have been clear that no intimate stuff is going to happen in the near future anyway. He told me he would like to donate to a charity for women, it surprised me but in truth he knows how I feel about men seeking prostitutes and the precariousness of women.

He told me he wanted to buy me gifts and flowers, or writing me a letter multiples times but was afraid to actually do it, which makes me sad and I see he’s trying really hard, he’s probably thinking he spent so much on his cheating while not actually spending money or time with me for something that was as thoughtful and pricey as I did for both Christmas and his birthday. Because yes, I went through his birthday celebration with friends and faked that everything was fine, baked the cake and still gifted the big 30th gift I bought for him instead of returning it to the store. I told him that he could wear this gift when he thinks he deserves it, for now it lays on his bedside table.

It’s hard for me to be mad at him, I know he’s struggling with a past of sexual abuse as a child, an alcoholic dad and he obviously struggles with himself because he feels ugly , not enough and not wanted by me somehow. I also know I’m his first everything, and with my consent I could have agreed to him experiencing something outside of our relationship (but still on my terms), but that option is not on the table anymore. I have always been an open minded girlfriend, trusting, never judging but with this happening, I know that ship has sailed, I need to put strict boundaries to be able to rebuild this.

I’m curious what people ask of their cheating partner to get trust back, what boundaries, what things are now a non-negotiable ? What were the first steps you took after finding out ? Is there hope that he will never do it again ?

[This message edited by WaterLillies at 10:37 AM, Wednesday, March 18th]

I don’t have time to respond, but wanted you to know you have been heard. Please read in the healing library and all the posts that are pinned or have a bulls-eye by them. You may have to go back a few pages to find them.

Others will be by with advice, but please take care of yourself.

If you are looking for community, you've come to the right place, even though most of us wish we never had to find a place like this. The people here understand all too well how you feel. So welcome WaterLillies.

I know it's hard to believe, but his behavior isn't about you. There is nothing you did, or didn't do that drove him to make the choices he did. He is who he is, which is someone who could keep you in the game while doing whatever he wanted with no thought to what it would do to you. And it doesn't matter what made him that way. You are not his therapist, and there is no point in spending energy on it. It's not your job. Even if the heavens opened and you got a clear picture of what created this part of his personality, would it hurt any less? Would it solve anything?

Concentrate on you. I see in you what I used to be. I made his birthdays and holidays special, I would go without, to make sure he had the best. I did it gladly. None of it was appreciated. Once I realized he had an entire hidden life, after 8 years I ended it and went to work on myself. I was the broken one. I had to re-learn what real relationships are.

I would suggest you look at the Healing Library on this site and read up on "The 180". It's about changing how you interact with him, not as a means of changing him, but as a means of reclaiming yourself.

Thank you for your kind replies!

I relate to your post a fair bit as my circumstance was somewhat similar. I wasn't looking for anything, had no clue, the discovery was a bolt out of the blue. My WH was seeing escorts (I hate that word, it's not like they are going anywhere with them except to bed - ugh!) on Saturdays while I was at work. Actually, sometimes I was home and he said he was going to see his mom (in a nursing home with dementia) or he was going to the lab for his routine bloodwork.

Obviously I dealt with the minimizing, as you are. And once I found out some stuff on my own, I snapped and kicked him out immediately. How dare he have continued to lie once I knew what I did know?

I do feel that separation is important. It forced both of us to act. It forced both of us to look at life without the other, and to think more clearly about whether moving forward or apart was the way to go. You can take what I say with a grain of salt but you seem to be wanting to rebuild when you don't even know for sure what was there? He wasn't kind and intelligent, after all, and you were not lucky. I'm always sad to read posts saying that "s/he was my person" like there is nobody else better out there for them. Because I do not believe that there is one person for one person. There are millions of people out there that you have not met or will not meet if you're with this guy, and let's face it, you're not even married. You don't have the amount of years invested that many do, nor the ties.

he says he doesn’t remember when he started using the apps, or about how many women he contacted, but that’s convenient isn’t it ?

It could be convenient, yes. Or it could be that the numbers are so high that it would be unlikely he'd ever remember them all? Just something to consider.

Since then he’s not letting his phone or tablet near me (but would give access if I asked) it makes me so triggered that he’s still potentially hiding stuff, I can understand that knowing I went through it, is triggering for him, but he has to understand he chose this.

If you're not asking for access, how can you be sure he'd provide it? Bluntly, but oh, poor him being all triggered, that poor little flower ... You are the victim here. You're absolutely right, he chose this and he can man up and deal with it. Or not. And right now, he is not. He is not giving you something to rebuild with.

I’m curious what people ask of their cheating partner to get trust back, what boundaries, what things are now a non-negotiable ?

Full transparency. Answers to all of your questions. Immediately.

Individual therapy. And he can find his own therapist. You don't go looking for one for him.

That STI test. He's telling you already you're not important enough for him to actually do it.

Total access to devices.

As someone who has been in your position, I don't know if you ever get the trust back. I am reconciled with my WH but I will never trust him like I did before, and I will never look at him like I did before. Truthfully, I sometimes wish we had just divorced. I'm much older than you, and there were a lot more years of involvement and a lot of ties and assets, etc to be considered. If I were in your young shoes and unmarried, I'd cut and run in a NY minute!

[This message edited by SackOfSorry at 10:06 PM, Tuesday, March 17th]

Lilies - how are you doing?

BearlyBreathing, it’s a rollercoaster of emotions, I guess I’m fine physically but really destroyed emotionally. The only thing I thought was stable in my life is not anymore, that’s a lot…

Wanted to stop in and offer support. I am so sorry this is happening to you.

Many of us can echo what Charity typed.

"I know it's hard to believe, but his behavior isn't about you. There is nothing you did, or didn't do that drove him to make the choices he did. He is who he is, which is someone who could keep you in the game while doing whatever he wanted with no thought to what it would do to you. And it doesn't matter what made him that way. You are not his therapist, and there is no point in spending energy on it. It's not your job."

I wish you much peace and healing and happiness in your life.

Gently…
Every one sees the world differently, but my story is that I spent way too long supporting a serial cheater exwh who was not willing to do the hard work to become a safe partner. I set myself on fire figuratively to keep him warm. I put him before me far too many times. My health, finances, potential, and life energy were spent for him. He betrayed me. He lied, stole, destroyed. He did not repent and do the hard work necessary to become a safe partner. One
of his many "girlfriends" publicly out him for being a cheater (as if that should have been a surprise to her given that she was aware he was being financially and otherwise unfaithful).

People will say to take what you need/want and leave the rest of the experience hope and advice offered. Out of my experience, I encourage betrayeds to take radical care of themselves and any DC.

WaterLillies, so sorry you're struggling with infidelity, but glad you found SI. Please keep posting! You'll get great support here. Folks may not always say what you hope to hear, but most comments do come from a place of caring.

First = please know you will get through this! THERE IS HOPE for YOU - you will be okay. Bear with me while I talk about myself for a sec. We'll get back around to you I promise. I was about the same age when I left a 4 year (3 years living together) relationship with a cheater boyfriend, not my first boyfriend but my first true love. Ohhhhhboy, I too thought he was "the one". He too seemed kind, he was intelligent and handsome. He had a great sense of humor and lots of ambition. When he turned out to be a serial betrayer I left him to keep my sanity, even though he hoped to keep me around. I didn't want to be one of many girlfriends while he broadened his "experience" i.e., sought ego stroking and new person energy from other women while I provided a safe and comfortable fall back position to operate from. Basically, I didn't want to dance the pick me dance after we made a monogamous commitment to each other. It broke my heart to leave him and go no-contact, but I knew that because I loved him so much leaving was the only way to save myself.

After that huge life disappointment I too swore I'd never let myself fall in love again because the betrayal was so painful. It took at least a couple of years to heal, but eventually I did heal..... part of healing was actively attempting to fix my picker, so slowly I warmed up to the idea of dating and trying out new relationships. Focused on myself, developed some exciting career opportunities. Long story short, I not only survived, I thrived!

By The Way, that cheater boyfriend I was so in love with......after we broke up he went on to have a few successive live-in girlfriends and eventually married/divorced.... twice.Bet he cheated on all of them, too. Each new girlfriend/wife stayed the same age (28 to 30ish) while he, poor guy, kept aging. He has 3 kids from different mothers and at 66 years old is now the gray haired parent of a kindergartener. So glad I didn't stick around for more punishment!

I'm always sad to read posts saying that "s/he was my person" like there is nobody else better out there for them. Because I do not believe that there is one person for one person. There are millions of people out there that you have not met or will not meet if you're with this guy, and let's face it, you're not even married.

Agreed! To supplement SackOfSorry's wise sentiment, there's a gazillion people out there who WANT a monogamous, honest and mutually enriching relationship. One thought - he's been your only relationship - perhaps you're not ready to let go because this relationship is what you know. Don't settle for the devil you know because the unknown feels uncertain! The world is truly your oyster. Yes, you are young! Plenty of time to learn and grow from this experience and make a new life. And thankfully, there's no kids or marriage to untangle. In hindsight, I recognize I dodged a bullet by discovering First True Love's serial cheating before we married, had kids or bought property together. Hope you'll eventually have a similar realization - stumbling into his hidden sexual basement before further entanglements is a blessing in disguise.

That part of the affair doesn’t really affect me since it’s digital but I’m sad that he talked to other women when all I wanted was for him to talk to me.

Have to chime in on this comment- hope this feedback doesn't feel harsh . How do you figure that digital cheating isn't cheating? That his digital wooing and pursuit of other women "doesn't really affect" you? That secretly chatting up gals on dating apps (did they exchange pix??) somehow isn't an egregious breach of trust in a monogamous partnership? I propose that it is a betrayal- that it did affect you. Digital emotional cheating is like a massive black hole floating in outer space - you can't see it but it's out there sucking up his emotional energy, attention and those small day to day interactions that should have been yours. They got the sparkles - you got the "what's the plan for dinner?" conversation. Ask me how I know.......

WaterLillies, your therapist made a perceptive observation - sounds like you are lonely - because you are isolated and alone - literally. No family, no friends to lean on in real life, no one to help get you through this nightmare. Sounds like your only IRL relationships right now are with the therapist and your betraying partner. It's natural to seek solace and comfort from our partners - it's just so darned confusing when the person we turn to for reassurance and connection is the same person who harmed us and could brutally betray us again. It's okay to reach out to a trusted friend or family member (or two or three) for support. You're not alone. Sharing with just one friend, someone who has your back, even if it's only over the phone or Zoom could be a big help. Don't isolate yourself to protect his image, or because YOU feel guilt or shame about his choice to buy sex workers - his choice to view women as a commodity to be bought and sold for his ego fortification and pleasure.

Any way to go back home for an extended visit with friends and family = to be with people who love you?. You could use your tribe around you right now. Even if you choose to not tell them what's going on, just being with friends and family could make a big difference to your well being. If he's serious about the relationship he can work on himself alone while you work on you by connecting with friends and family.

Which brings me to the crux of my stranger on the internet response to your situation = if you're committed to "making things better" the best way to help him is to let this be HIS journey. Everyone's experience is different. InMyExperience, to become a functioning human he must take responsibility for his shitty, harmful maladaptive behaviors. He must understand that treating you poorly has consequences; including you leaving. And he must focus on changing his selfish mindset - to remediate his thinking so the nightmare of infidelity doesn't happen again. Seems that separating yourself from HIS entitlement/emotional abuse (yes, hiding a double life from a monogamous romantic partner is emotional abuse), and stepping away to focus on YOUR healing from his abuse while he focuses on his rehabilitation - separately - could be wise - for both of you.

It’s hard for me to be mad at him, I know he’s struggling with a past of sexual abuse as a child, an alcoholic dad and he obviously struggles with himself because he feels ugly , not enough and not wanted by me somehow.

We understand the urge to "make things better". Many of us betrayed feel compelled to try and fix things in one way or another. We roll up our sleeves and try to fix what we didn’t break and what we can’t possibly fix. Because the problem is in the cheater - not in the marriage, not in us. HE is the only one who can fix himself. A hard truth, it's really difficult to fix an embedded, repeated pattern of lying and self-entitlement. And, InMyOpinion he won't be a safe partner,,,,,,,,or parent...... until he digs deep into his history of childhood abuse. He'll have hard and long work ahead if he wants to make meaningful and lasting change - and he must pursue that long, hard work because he wants to change for HIMSELF. Not because he's trying to save face or save the relationship. Gotta say, dragging his feet on counseling and STI testing, keeping his phone and tablet away from you doesn't bode well. And it feels like he's hoping that if he "says" he wants to love bomb you with presents and love letters, says he's sorry often enough and claims "he'd like to make a donation to a women's charity (!)" that these words will somehow help him rug sweep his shitty choices. And please don't hope he's "probably thinking" how you'd think if you were in his shoes. That's a rookie mistake. He's thinking like a cheater! Remember, words are easy. Actions are hard! Pay close attention to what he DOES not what he SAYS. This is key. He sounds like a guy who can talk a good game, not someone who's "trying really hard."

WaterLillies, also please be aware, right now it probably feels safer to view him as the victim - that his abusive childhood etc. caused him to behave as he did. Gently, IMO those are excuses for him that you’re making while you try to see the best in him and try to convince yourself he will change. It is tragic that he was abused as a child, but not all abused children grow up to abuse as adults - adults who in turn perpetuate the cycle of abuse on others. Or in a nutshell, viewing him as the victim feels safer than acknowledging that his serial cheating was a choice. That he CHOSE to betray and lie. That he got something out of it. That he felt entitled to live a double life that's been going on for years. He also felt entitled to spend lots of $$ on sex workers and multiple dating apps; he felt entitled to treat those sex workers as a commodity. YOU are the victim here - not him. Yes it hurts. But, it's so important to realistically see our partners with wide open eyes so we can make logical decisions about what comes next - and put our own wellbeing first for a change. Hoping the best for you.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 2:56 AM, Friday, March 20th]