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I am almost certain that my husband is having another affair. He lied about spending the day with a coworker, lied about driving her home and taking 10 minutes or so before leaving, is having conversations with sexual undertones, deleting messages, I swear his clothes smell like perfume, is watching porn of women who look like this woman, and what I feel like is my smoking gun -- I found viagra in his work bag and jacket pocket and the pill count is going down.

I've confronted him about everything, but the Viagra, because I just wanted to keep 1 thing in my back pocket. He is downplaying the relationship and saying the text messages were just stupid. The fact that he is having a relationship at all with a female coworker means he has zero empathy for me because the first affair was with a female coworker.

I've already contacted divorce lawyers, and am trying to focus on myself, but I also feel consumed by this, and I am so anxious. I just want every detail and to track his every move. I don't know why I feel like he needs to admit it when I have overwhelming evidence, and the lying and sneaking is enough of a reason to want a divorce. The little repair he has done after the first affair has left me checked out, and already strongly leaning toward divorce.

I don't know what to do. I can't leave, and he refuses to leave. Keeping the peace and trying to forget about it makes me feel like I will become complacent. I know I deserve more than this. My mental health is suffering right now.

[This message edited by PearlyBaker at 6:34 PM, Monday, March 9th]

I’m so sorry PB that indeed you are correct, he has no respect, empathy or compassion for you as his spouse.

As others will say, you don’t need the final smoking gun of proof to move forward with filing.

Is this AP married, if so, you know what needs to be done, inform the other betrayed.

I’m sure the lawyers you contacted have given you next steps on gathering all of the financial info.

And while in house separation is not ideal-many here have gotten thru it or are currently making it work for financial reasons.

We all completely understand wanting the "answers and proof", but he will never give you that.

Lies and gaslighting is what he is capable of.

Put yourself and your mental health first. Have you seen your doctor for possible meds to assist? Have you been able to get out of the house for exercise or fresh air? Have you confided in a trusted family member or friend?
Are you journaling?

Put yourself first and began to disengage from him and his lies.

Take care.

I believe that she is going through a divorce, but still living with the husband. Would it be right to contact him?

Pearly, I know you need proofs but you do not.

It will not change anything to catch him red handed with his lies.

When your partner is indulging in infidelity, you just know it.
Rarely it is wrong.

And is not the first time.

I know you think like with any normal person, proving them to be in the wrong will change their ways.

With cheater it just does not work.
They cheat because they find that escape RATHER THAN changing their ways, it is self sabotage.

You need to take actions for your own good girl.
Hard 180 immediately, you do not have any "burden of proof".

If he inquires why you are cutting him off and moving to get rid of him from your life, just simply state the truth: "Because you are betraying me again, so you are not worth another minute of my life"

It will be on him to crawl and prove he is changed, not on you, you are being abused, protect yourself.

I think the harder part is the lack of empathy from the WS when confronted. He knows he has been caught but he just doesn't care and that lack of empathy is emotionally crushing

I would suggest gathering hard copies of all of your financials and then going through them to see if he has been wasting marital assets (money).

If his AP is going through a divorce then I do not see the need to reach out to the ap's husband

Do a 180. Ignore him, he doesn't exist. Start making your exit plan. Figure out where you stand financially and generate an exit plan for yourself

Now the vindictive side of me might suggest taking the Viagra unless he needs it for legitimate health purposes beyond the usual application ;) That might put a damper in his extra curricular activities

But seriously, if he is not showing any signs of remorse or has no desire to reconcile then you accepting this reality and focusing only on yourself would be the better course.

Yes. When I caught him back in January spending the day with her and lying about it, if he cared then I think the first thing would have been to drop the friendship. Instead it was like he doubled down.

When I discovered the texts last week and confronted him, he claims now that he will give the friendship up. However, he just drove her home and lied about it. After fighting all weekend and him trying to convince me that nothing is going on, I checked him Viagra stash after he left for work and there are 4 less than there were last night.

He finally admitted to driving her home. He won’t admit to the sex. I think I would be in denial to believe him at this point.

[This message edited by PearlyBaker at 9:22 PM, Monday, March 9th]

I would still consider telling the other betrayed spouse. Especially if your husband is the source of the divorce info.

Do not give your spouse any advanced notice if you are going to contact her H.

The AP will only try to paint you as some crazy, jealous wife.

I’m considering telling the AP husband. He did give me the info, but it was back in November after I first met her. I don’t believe anything was going on at that point.

Everyone’s mileage may vary. I, however, find peace in no longer having to wonder if exwh is lying about cheating. (Newsflash, he was.) My regret is that I spent so much time on this that I failed to live my best, most joyous, and healthy life worrying about this sort of thing

I also regret not doing the simple math of how many other men in roughly my same age range and moral belief system there actually are in the world. Much better odds finding someone suitable for myself who was not a cheater in that big wide world than I initially calculated.

They always say take what helps you and leave the rest (on boards like this). I do hope that you take exquisite care of yourself emotionally, spiritually, physically. Your health and happiness matter.

I think it's natural that you want him to admit to what he's done. It's a way to assure yourself that your interpretation of his actions is accurate. In a way, right now, you're susceptible to gaslighting yourself ("maybe I'm wrong" / "maybe it's not as bad as I think" / "maybe I'm overreaction"), and his admission would be irrefutable proof. Another way to potentially get that same undeniable proof is to hire a private investigator. Catching cheaters seems to be their bread and butter.

I also wonder if part of you is hesitant to end your marriage until you know for sure what all he's done. Divorce isn't easy, but the more evidence there is that it's a good idea, the easier it gets to take that big step.

Just curious - why are you holding back on telling him about the viagra?

The reason I am not telling him about the Viagra yet is because it’s the one thing I can easily monitor, and that he hasn’t been tipped off to hide more. It feels like the only thing that is grounding me in some sort of reality from what he says vs. the truth. I know he only uses them for sex, and not for just himself. So if they are missing, then he’s using them for sex or with the intention to be ready for sex.

I think you are right about me gaslighting myself though, I still think in the back of my mind maybe I have it wrong somehow. Otherwise, I would have just told him that I know.

I think it's the subconscious hope that everything is okay and I am mistaken about what I am seeing. Many years ago I worked for a private investigator and he gave me the best advice I have ever received. He said kid, if something feels off it probably is, trust your gut

Call me petty, but I would just steal those viagra pills.

Then when he went about looking for them, I would follow him around and quietly laugh.

But I am petty like that.

^

I love the suggestions about stealing the pills, and right before I confront him about it then I most definitely will.

So let’s play devils advocate here and let’s pretend that you’re cheating husband admits it to you.

Then what?

Do you believe he will then have an honest conversation with you?

Do you believe he will stop cheating and lying?

Do you think he’s going to do everything possible to make amends to try and reconcile with you?

I suspect that some of the answers to the above questions will be "hell no!".

If that is the case, I believe you are wasting your time and energy on something that is not productive for you. Your energy may be better spent, focusing on your healing, your health, your future, your plan and what you think will be your next steps.

I can share with you that at D-Day2 of affair2 I was beyond irate. Suddenly it no longer mattered what he told me, what he did, etc. because I knew I had no other choice but to divorce him.

In fact, I can tell you that my parting words were "you are free to be with the other woman or any other any other person you choose". I was no longer invested in trying to stop him from cheating, cared if he cheated or even was bothered by him continuing to lie.

I can tell you at that point my sanity and calmness was basically restored because it no longer mattered what he said or did.

I am hoping that you can take some of the advice given here that puts you first and can be the start to healing from this trauma.

You know he’s never going to be honest with you so therefore you should just give up, trying to have any kind of conversation with the expectation that he is going to tell you the truth

5Decades ( member #83504) posted at 9:49 AM on Tuesday, March 10th, 2026

Call me petty, but I would just steal those viagra pills.

Then when he went about looking for them, I would follow him around and quietly laugh.

But I am petty like that.

5Decades and I think alike.

PearlyBaker, you're holding onto hope.

You already know the answer, you don't want to believe it's happening. That's your subconscious trying to avoid the pain you know is coming. You are having a form of PTSD, your having a "life review," questioning every past memory and looking for evidence to determine which moments were authentic and which were part of a lie.

Do you really need all the nitty gritty details? You have 90% of a puzzle, you don't need the 10% to confirm. Your mind wants to know you've gone down all paths to avoid having to throw in the towel. The deception—the lying after the act—that causes more damage than the affair itself. Seeking validation is an attempt to force the cheating spouse to choose honesty, which is a prerequisite for any meaningful reconciliation. Most likely he won't give her up, he's still lying to you, and getting away with it.

If he has Viagra and he's not using it on you, then he is 100% using it on someone. I'd find the bottle, see what doctor he's been getting it from and go to the pharmacy it came from. Find out when the last time it was filled was and how many were prescribed. That will give you a decent timeline as to how long it's been happening.

I would 100% confront the other persons Husband with this. Be gentle though. No one wants to be ambushed by knowing their partner is having an affair.

If it's a co-worker decide if you can afford for him to be fired. If you can then I would consider bringing it to HR attention. This won't ruffle feathers unless they are both in the same department, or one is a boss. This is a low handed move and serves no purpose other than to be petty and spiteful.

Get your ducks in a row. Gather what you need to fight this battle. Knowledge is power. You hold the keys.

[This message edited by Muggle at 6:01 PM, Tuesday, March 10th]

The1stWife - you are 100% correct. I knew when I discovered the lies about him spending the day with the coworker that I was done and I had no other choice but to divorce him. That's when I began speaking it into existence telling friends and calling divorce lawyers. But somewhere along the way a part of me just starts to go into denial to protect myself (at least thats what my therapist just told me).

There shouldn't be any second guessing myself, and I am. That needs to stop. I know what I know and I just scheduled 10 divorce consultations.

Muggle -

I think you have nailed it. I am in denial trying to protect myself from all of this.

I found out in January that he was sneaking around. At some point after that I counted his stash. When I looked again a few days ago 63 pills have gone missing. I know he takes 2 pills each time. During that time we hadn't had sex at all. I fear the writing is on the wall. I don't know why I need more evidence than what I already have.

I’m not saying you must D him.

I’m just advising you to stop wasting your time on things that are not helping you.

You can stay as long as you want — get yourself financially stable, start emotionally detaching and do the 180. In essence you stop being his wife.