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I have a real question for everyone, Bs and WS alike. What do you do/think/react after your cheating partner says "I wasted the best years of my life with you"?

I can provide context, but really I don’t feel I need to. It was during an argument and I was keeping a boundary. Which becomes tears and sobbing and how terrible of a husband I am, that I never loved her, and ended with how she wasted her life with me. Her exact words were she wasted the best years of her life for me.

Even post affair I never felt our marriage was waste, and I never felt regret for marrying her. I regret not finding my self respect when the affair started, and regret a lot of things I did to myself to save something long dead. Never have I felt our relationship was a mistake.

Wouldn’t surprise me if she has reopened communication with AP, I don’t police her phone etc anymore, don’t care enough to try and she already fooled me so many times it’s pointless anyway.

In marriage counseling she said she was trying to keep a "genuine friendship" with him and that is why she slipped the third time. I guess telling someone who isn’t your husband how much you love them and always will, plus having had sex and sending nudes/sexting with them is just what friends do.

I know how this has to go, I know it’s all manipulation and just overall shit behavior from her. Just, like damn, does it have to be so savage?

There are some lines that shouldn’t be crossed, even in the heat of the moment… I guess now what you need to evaluate is if she really meant it, or if she was just saying that to hurt you. Either way, it’s not a good look. I’m so sorry she said that to you.

My H said something to me that crossed a line during an argument once. I let him know that if he ever said it again, we would be finished. He saw how much it hurt me, apologized profusely, and has never said it again. I think that’s the best outcome you can hope for when something like this happens.

Cheaters have a very interesting behavioral pattern.

They will say or do anything to justify the affair.

I can tell you that my H told me that even though we were married for 25 years that "I didn’t really love him" and married him for other reasons. Well it wasn’t his $ b/c he didn’t have any lol.

But he did say it. And meant it. My response was to laugh at him because it was stupid and ridiculous. I literally laughed right in his face.

And then wondered why I was very resistant to R.

Words hurt. However just because she said it doesn’t mean it’s true (same w/ my H).

I’m sorry you have been hurt by this. But you know it’s not true. It’s just the cheater needs "a reason" to cheat and it is easier to blame the betrayed spouse than take responsibility for her poor decisions and crappy treatment of you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:54 PM, Thursday, January 15th]

I think men and women process being a cheater differently.

I don’t know about you, but growing up, the constant message I got was to screw every woman I possibly could. And marriage doesn’t change that. For a husband to cheat is common, almost expected, and no big deal.

Women, I think, get a very different message. They are taught from childhood to protect their virtue. Not many women grow up expecting, or wanting, to be an adulteress, the other woman, a home wrecker, a side piece (do we even have those words for cheating men?).

So when it happens, for many women it is traumatic.

Traumatic.

And they desperately try to understand, to rationalize, to justify what they’ve done or are doing.

And they often blame their husbands, for not meeting their needs. Emotional (common), or physical (sometimes).

And they despise their husbands for "forcing" them to do what they did (and perhaps are still doing). And they feel contempt for a shitty husband.

And lots of times, I think, that hatred, that contempt, never goes away.

Sorry you find yourself here. (Welcome to my world.)

Best wishes.

Morbs,

I think people mostly mean what they say, but they sometimes don’t mean to say it.

My response was to laugh at him because it was stupid and ridiculous. I literally laughed right in his face.

That is actually the response of an integrated person. The partner says that to hurt. It's funny or you blow it up to even more ridiculous levels.

They want to hurt you and they come out as clowns. Disarming.

@OP - My friend, she is testing your boundaries.

She expect you to be reactive, this way she knows you still care, and she has power to control your emotional peace.
She is dysregulated and not yet stable enough, so her old patterns are using both the emotional load of the affair and a stab to your bond to destabilize you. And it worked in this case.

Read the 1stWife's response, it is really the key. Once you see the game for what it is, it becomes seriously 'funny'. Oh and believe me, she will respect that.

I don’t know about you, but growing up, the constant message I got was to screw every woman I possibly could. And marriage doesn’t change that. For a husband to cheat is common, almost expected, and no big deal.

That's a negative message portrayed in our culture and not at all reflecting the truth. If you had cheater in the family growing up you felt instinctive suspicion and a pinch of disgust, because is bad, humanly bad.

I don't know, my look on another man who can betray the person he should care for the most, is of distance and alert. If he can betray his woman, he can betray anyone. Definitively to keep an eye on him or better yet, exclude him from your inner circle.
You may understand and kind of forgive one who slipped and regrets his choices, not condone, not expect it. Someone who does it with fun and pleasure is definitively a red flag for men and women alike (tell me would you let such guy in proximity of your woman? Exactly).

Women, I think, get a very different message. They are taught from childhood to protect their virtue. Not many women grow up expecting, or wanting, to be an adulteress, the other woman, a home wrecker, a side piece (do we even have those words for cheating men?).

So when it happens, for many women it is traumatic.

Again we are both victim of stereotypes and social expectation, who play a role in stupid behaviors.
What is taught to you growing up most often conflict with your nature and emotions.

Did we forget when we were teenager the rebellion and bs (not as betrayed spouse as in bull...t) we had fun to do?
Women like men have their own wild side and the need to feel alive, because performing the "good girl" or "good boy" is exhausting for everyone.

When you have deeper underlying issues like low self worth and avoidance, you may feel that pressure heavier than average, subfocating, and you may perhaps at some point explode and become a WS, not because you hate your spouse but because you followed the "social script" to the letter and never let go, and you are now life long committed.

Becoming a "bad boy" or a "bad girl" then is the worst possible moment, but I get the repressed emotional turmoil might make it extremely exciting and completely irrational.

(This is my interpretation I don't have it backed up by research, only makes sense to me)

What do you do/think/react after your cheating partner says "I wasted the best years of my life with you"?

If I were you, I would say: "I’m sorry you feel that way. I’m not going to waste a single minute more of your precious life."

And then I would be at the courthouse first thing the next morning filing for divorce.

The problem with your wife isn't what she says-- it's that she's allowed to say it without consequence.

Experience has taught her that being cruel works. Every time she throws a bomb at you, you absorb the damage, explain it away, and stay. She has learned there is no cost to emotional violence. It gets her what she wants.

What she said wasn’t "savage honesty." It was a control move. You were holding a boundary, so she escalated. Tears didn’t work, victimhood didn’t work, so she went for contempt. And contempt only comes out when someone feels entitled to get whatever they want from you and knows they will have your presence in their life no matter what they say or do.

You’re not confused about what this is. You already named it as manipulation. Your problem isn't lack of insight; it's lack of action.

And just in case you need to hear this:

You didn’t waste her life.

You gave her loyalty she didn’t reciprocate

You gave her chances she didn’t deserve.

You gave her safety while she gave your children chaos and abuse at the hands of her OM.

You don’t need a better argument, a better boundary, or a better response in the moment. You need a line that, once crossed, actually means something. And the will to follow through on what you know you need to do.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 5:18 PM, Thursday, January 15th]

Dog bites man once....dog bites man twice...how many times are you going to let the dog keep biting you man? Is *this* how you are modelling relationships to your children?

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 5:07 PM, Thursday, January 15th]

HINHF,

Are you still married to her? Just trying to understand

I think a lot of this is emotional immaturity at best narcissus at worst and we can’t diagnose as we have never met her nor do most of us have the qualifications. So I will assume emotional immaturity.

People who are emotionally immature when they get baked mint a corner will lash out in a way that they know will hit their target. The have a "you hurt me, I will hurt you back worse" and they value up in this in a way that lacks any context of the past, present or future.

They lack the discipline to process before responding and as a result the say things they mean and they say things they don’t mean and it’s entirely impossible after a while to decipher which is which.

I was raised by an emotionally immature mother. My sister followed in her footsteps. For some time I actually thought I avoided it until I blew the roof off that by cheating and had to take a years long look at myself.

Not everyone does that. And the fact she has only really improved by doing what she knows would be expected rather than any deep dive, makes me believe she doesn’t feel there is anything wrong with her. Unless that changes, she is always going to oscillate. As long as you aren’t bringing things up and everything is surface deep she can mask.

I don’t say this often with a ws but her masking is likely for the same reason you stay. She knows she can’t support herself or raise four children on her own. Your suspicion she is cheating again could be true because she will feel more comfortable letting her mask slip if she thinks she has you replaced. I am not saying that to be cruel, I am saying it to help this not be so crazy making because of such long and deep gaslighting.

ETA- I think blue said it better, but had not read the other responses until after posting.

[This message edited by hikingout at 5:21 PM, Thursday, January 15th]

BackfromtheStorm,

I have found much to think about in your posts.

But I have to push back a little on this:

"become a WS, not because you hate your spouse"

This is the opposite of what I am thinking (also, no research or data).

Wives don’t cheat because they hate their husbands; they hate their husbands because they cheat.

Not 100%, I know, I know.

Just talking to HellsNotHalfFull.

I think people mostly mean what they say, but they sometimes don’t mean to say it.

Still, there are times when we say things just to hurt. I know my H wasn’t thinking when he said his thing to me. And I’ve screamed "I hate you!" to him before when I didn’t, knowing it triggered him, when I just really hated the feeling of shame I harbored, which had become embodied in him during that argument. Hurting words never help, but when you’re all revved up emotionally, sometimes offense feels like defense.

But sometimes they mean it.

HellIsNotHalfFull (original poster member #83534) posted at 9:03 AM on Thursday, January 15th, 2026

I have a real question for everyone, Bs and WS alike. What do you do/think/react after your cheating partner says "I wasted the best years of my life with you"?

My ex would say the worst things imaginable to me, when cornered in a lie, or angry. He did not hold back, and had zero remorse until much later. The damage was done by then. Years of "go for the throat" comments. The ones you think about but normal people never verbalize because they know the weight those statements make when said in anger. Most people don't mean it if they did say it. This is the same man that if you said something one time in 30 years to him that stung would remember it FOREVER, but expects you to be ok with hundreds of "go for the throat" comments he made over the years. The kind of statements that left me in tears for hours, made me question my worth, value, and were untrue, but planted the seeds that impacted my self esteem long term. They are now emotional scars I carry to this day.

Cheaters will flip the script. They say that to validate that "they" wasted their lives on you, when it's quite the opposite. YOU wasted years believing the lies, trusting someone that lied to you by choice. They are unhappy that their own actions are now being exposed and they are paying the "bill" for their actions.

Distraction is an art they use at will. If they can make you second guess everything then you are not as focused on the utter BS they're throwing in your path.

I probably would have asked her when she was moving in with the man she's been involved with. Obviously she isn't vested enough in him to let go of you and the security you provide.

Hurtful statements like what she said stick with you. You become conditioned to absorb it and then it becomes the "new normal" way they communicate with you.

Stand up for yourself. Set some boundaries and decide what feeds your soul. If she doesn't then find the path that works for you. Do NOT internalize her statement. If it were true she would have left long ago. She's attacking your self esteem, and her words hurt.

I'm not sure any response would make a difference. I'd have to say that she knows it hurts, and she did it anyway. She expected a response, so give none. Ask her when she is planning on moving out, or let her know you aren't going to be her emotional beating post and she needs to be accountable.

This is a choose your own adventure. No right or wrong way to handle it. Do what feels right for you, and try not to let this statement second guess years together. The end is not representative of the entire relationship. We all focus on the negative when it ends.

I'm sorry she took out her anger and frustration on you and it's unfair to have said what she did. I know it hurts.

I'd simply responds:

Wait, those were your best years? The ones where you were cheating and lying? I'd hate to see what your 'mediocre' years look like if your peak performance involves a total lack of integrity. Other man is indeed lucky.

Then laugh my way over to lawyers office to get the paperwork in order.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 5:53 PM, Thursday, January 15th]

When I confronted my wife she just sat there with her arms folded and her initial response was we flirt, that's all, I have not crossed any lines, and I just sat there, staring at her utterly confused. You are sexting with a married coworker and you have the audacity to say you have not crossed any lines?

She just sat there shooting daggers at me with her eyes and every word was laced with anger and vitriol

After an hour-long conversation during which I was a total train wreck, she just sat there, arms folded, blankly staring at me. The best I got was a very flat monotone sentence of I'm sorry this upsets you. To me that meant she didn't give a damn that I was destroyed which solidified my suspicions that she was one foot out the door

I was awake for 44 hours straight. The next morning she was still shooting daggers at me with her eyes, never an apology, never one tear. But when she came home from work that afternoon and I said there's a suitcase upstairs and I want you to leave the house that's when reality set in

Our R is still ongoing. Had she been remorseful and apologetic and tearful when I confronted her we would have been much further along by now but that hour-long conversation permanently changed me, permanently changed how I see her. The woman sitting next to me was a total stranger, not the person I had been with for 27 years

Words can hurt harder than a punch. The pain from a punch will fade but a comment such as I wasted the best years of my life with you will hurt much longer

I don’t say this to be mean or cruel, because I had to learn this lesson myself. Luckily I figured it out in my mid 20s.

Act like a doormat, get treated like one.

A statement like she made to you, would result in swift action from me that she’d start spinning on her head over. Divorce filed right away. No discussion about "what she truly meant." It’s get the fuck away from me time.

Ragn3rK1n ( member #84340) posted at 12:15 PM on Thursday, January 15th, 2026

HINHF,

Are you still married to her? Just trying to understand

Same query by me!

and:

DRSOOLERS ( member) posted at 12:52 PM on Thursday, January 15th, 2026
I'd simply responds:

Wait, those were your best years? The ones where you were cheating and lying? I'd hate to see what your 'mediocre' years look like if your peak performance involves a total lack of integrity. Other man is indeed lucky.

Then laugh my way over to lawyers office to get the paperwork in order.

My quess is she has no respect for you and/or her mind is twisted. At the very least she has very toxic bug under her bonnet.

Wish well in you coming endeavors.

Don’t play the ‘it’s all your fault’ game, no matter how she spins it. She went through the wedding without being kidnapped and you didn’t lock her up preventing her from leaving the marriage. She needs to take responsibility for her own decisions: marriage, affair, all of it. If I was younger I would be cruel and say "Too bad your AP wasn’t available when you wanted to get married. And oh he probably wouldn’t pick you back then anyway." Now I would just roll my eyes and walk out, let the sullen WS indulge in self pity like a toddler who didn’t get to buy a new toy.

BackfromtheStorm,

I have found much to think about in your posts.

But I have to push back a little on this:

"become a WS, not because you hate your spouse"

This is the opposite of what I am thinking (also, no research or data).

Wives don’t cheat because they hate their husbands; they hate their husbands because they cheat.

Not 100%, I know, I know.

Just talking to HellsNotHalfFull.

It could be true in some cases, the patterns are similar but situations and emotional loads may vary.

That's the difficulty in generalizing such a multifaceted emotional behavior.

I found (surprisingly) that, no matter if the feeling 'he/she must hate me for doing that' is the first that comes up, very often the WS hates themselves more than they could ever hate their BS. The BS is almost detached from their emotional world and put into a different box.

At least this seems to be common of those WS who then search to reform and R with their BS.

But is complex, is like the BS both 'hates and loves' their WS after discovering. Hard to pinpoint the emotions with clarity when they are a reality changing storm.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 8:58 PM, Thursday, January 15th]