SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Keep in mind friend, she could file.

100% this. She doesn't need your permission to divorce you... and I think it's safe to say that she wouldn't be in the least bit concerned about destroying you in order to get the best possible outcome for herself. And if you tried to raise the issue of her mental instability, her adultery, and the fact that she put your son in harm's way, she would paint you as the controlling, vindictive ex-husband who is trying to punish her for leaving him. If you filed first and on your terms, you would have the upper hand.

At the moment, I think the fear of what danger your kids might encounter if you got divorced is blinding you to the prolonged psychological damage that they are sustaining while you remain married to your wife. I fully believe that her anger and vitriol isn't reserved for you alone-- I think she probably blames her kids for the fact that she's "wasted the best years of her life" and expresses her resentment toward them in a myriad of subtle and unsubtle ways, probably when you're not around.

If you divorced, they would have at least one home that was peaceful, stable, and safe. They might even feel more empowered to set appropriate personal boundaries, and speak up about their feelings about and experiences with their mother if they had refuge in an environment that she didn't control.

As long as no creeps are in the picture it is what it is. Unfortunately, that means I have to be here because I don’t trust her to not get involved with that kind of man. I think I have justified reasons.

I get that you're trying to be the decent one here. I get that you don't want to hurt your children. It's your job to protect them from anyone and everyone who is dangerous, even the other parent. It sounds to me like she's dangerous.

When I had my first child (not married, before I met my H), I said I wouldn't keep my child from his dad, but I would keep his dad from him if he was a danger. He was addicted to drugs and engaged in dangerous criminal activity. He was not allowed to see my child unsupervised.

If you divorced, they would have at least one home that was peaceful, stable, and safe.

I’m just going to share how my experience has been on this, not trying to pile and and push you towards divorce.

My relationship with my children, particularly my oldest two, has improved beyond my wildest hopes since separating. My daughter confides in me deeply and has opened up in ways she never did growing up. She said it took no longer seeing her mom and me as a single entity, because she knew she didn’t feel emotionally safe with her mom. My oldest son (18yo) have gone from hardly talking to best friends. We work on motorcycles together, are planning matching tattoos, and he talked my ear off late into the night the other day. I had hopes for bettering of relationships with them, but this is all really amazing.

I do understand your great fear for your childrens’ well being given her behavior, it is perfectly well founded. And maybe this is the way to keep them safest. But unless you are willing to push for full custody, the strategy is balanced on a knife edge.

It seems almost secondary, but still really important: do you have plans to keep your wife from financially destroying you? Are there safeguards? With someone so volatile and also so contemptuous of you, who knows what she might do there.

I was going to put this in a PM but I’m posting it here in case there are other people in similar situations that might benefit from some practical advice.

If you want to put yourself in the most favorable position possible, you need to stop thinking of divorce as a single event and start treating it like a process you prepare for.

-I know you had a lawyer previously so I would suggest, if they were good, that you reach out and retain them again. Ideally, your lawyer needs to be experienced with high-conflict custody, military divorces, and mental health issues. Preparation before filing matters more than anything you do after.

-Document everything. Affairs, broken no-contact, manipulation, instability, any self-harm or suicide attempts on her part, and especially the incident where your child was harmed by OM. Courts care about patterns. Keep dates, screenshots, and restraining orders. Stick with the facts.

-Child safety is leverage. A third party assaulting your child while in her care is not something that the court can easily overlook, especially since she continued her relationship with this man after learning about the abuse. It goes directly to judgment and custody. Future partners are a legitimate concern, and courts can impose restrictions.

- Custody drives child support, housing, leverage, and long-term financial exposure. Aim for at least 50/50, with right of first refusal, paramour clauses, and limits on overnight guests. While it’s true that "morality clauses" are notoriously hard to enforce, having them in place in a divorce decree will give you a legal mechanism by which you can establish boundaries for your kids.

-Her being SAHM doesn’t automatically mean you’re doomed to eat nothing but ramen for the rest of your life. Yes, there may be support. But duration, imputed income, custody split, etc, all matter. A good attorney can push for rehabilitative rather than permanent support.

And even if it does cost you a fortune, the amount is known, fixed, and finite. There is literally no limit to what she can cost you while you remain married to her.

-Get yourself stable and boring. Make sure that you’re in IC, present a calm demeanor, and don’t let her bait you into participating in ugly fights with her. Go gray rock with her. Be the parent that is consistent and predictable.

-Stop protecting her from consequences. Minimizing, covering, or "keeping the peace" weakens your case and increases risk to your kids.

Bottom line: staying doesn’t actually protect your children… it just delays consequences and leaves you without enforceable boundaries. Preparation, documentation, and custody-focused strategy are what will keep you from getting destroyed, not hoping things settle down.

It may take a while to get yourself in a place where you can pull the trigger, but you were motivated and resourceful enough to plan your exit before and you can do it again.

They might even feel more empowered to set appropriate personal boundaries, and speak up about their feelings about and experiences with their mother if they had refuge in an environment that she didn't control.

I will vouch for this possible outcome, as it has been the case with my two boys and exWW.