SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

He was completely shocked. He kept asking me what he could different, how he could salvage our life together. All I could say is that you can’t force me to love you, I can’t be your wife. There was a lot said and it was very amicable. He said a few things that were not cool, but I’m sure said out of duress and still trying to come out of being under anesthesia and trying to process. He is very worried about how/where to live, as am I. I think we both don’t want to disrupt our boys life, but thankfully they are adults.

I finally had to just leave the house for awhile. Which then panicked him, then my sons started worrying about me when they got home. All I’ve told the boys is that I’m struggling with his affair still.

We did watch tv together later, we’ll both be off to work soon. He’s already asked if we can go for a walk later. I said maybe. This is the hardest thing ever! I’m guessing he’s thinking if he is extra sweet and caring I’ll change my mind!

I don’t even know what my next steps are going to be.

Stay strong.

You did good, Possumlover! You're through the scariest step now.

His reaction is very normal - he might try to win you back or be extra nice for a while. You need to stand firm on this for a while until he believes it's really happening. My therapist advised me to be a "broken record" about it.

Your next steps should be to consult a few lawyers and mediators. I highly recommend mediation if your WS is willing and able to do things amicably. If you're a list maker, start writing down all the practical things you need to in order to separate your living situation and your finances.

Good luck!

Thank you, Formerpeopleperson! It is hard, but I’m trying!

NoThanksForTheMemories, thank you. I found a mediator, I think I’ll start there. He said yesterday he won’t fight me on anything. I’m definitely a list maker! Surprised I haven’t started that yet! Thanks for the suggestion.

Wish me luck!

That was really scary and I’m so proud of you for doing that. I know it was really really hard. So look up some things online on what divorce entails and since you have a mediator, get crack and making those lists.

You may have moments now where you wonder if you made a mistake or if you’re doing the right thing. Just stay the course. Divorce takes some time and by the time it’s all over you’ll know whether or not you’ve made the right decision. But I think after all the consideration, you’ve already done, you know what will be best for you

This is the hardest thing ever! I’m guessing he’s thinking if he is extra sweet and caring I’ll change my mind!

Do not spend a lot of time trying to convince him; he needs time to process and catch up. You just keep along your path and he will see you are serious. He does not need to be onboard for you to move ahead.

I don’t even know what my next steps are going to be.

Sure you do - just one step at a time. Make your appt, they will go over everything. In the interim, gather all your documents to show what you have/owe, accounts you have, who is on what, etc.

I remember when I told my ww I was done. I had given her 6 months to step up and she never did. I was almost done when I asked her a simple question, a "shit test" if you will, though I didn't know that what it was called. She failed miserably. Her answer wasn't an aberration, it was in keeping with who she was for the 27 years we were together. What was important was that I finally saw her for who she was, that she was neither interested or capable of changing. And so I was done.

I never looked back from that, not really. Sometimes, I wonder if I could have endured the M in order to be better off financially, but I always arrive at the same place. I would have sentenced mysrlf to living an inauthentic existence, and for what?

Turns out, life is pretty good. I have peace and contentment. I have few wants and no real needs. Things are good.

I wish (not really) I could say my ex's life has fallen apart and she spends every day regretting her choices, but she seems to land on her feet and always has some guy around who will pay for things. While she goes on trips to Europe and Costa Rica, I go car camping. Must be nice...

But in the end, she will always be who she is at the core and the very best possible version of her is no longer worthy of me. I know that sounds arrogant, but I just know myself,maybe for the first time in my life.

I realize I wrote a lot about me. Sorry. I just thought it might be helpful to read about someone who is a bit further down the path.

BearlyBreathing and EvenKeel, thanks for the positive thoughts and encouragement.

Justsomeguy, I appreciate what you shared, it’s those stories that help me see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you. I’m glad you have peace and contentment. I’m a believer in karma, she will get hers someday.

This is SO hard. I’m just taking my time, one step at a time. I have counseling today. He ended up meeting with his counselor last week. Things are amicable at home, just plugging away, I guess. He is definitely trying to do and say anything to not D. He wants to do MC now. He says even if we live in the same house, he’s willing. He’ll do anything!! Hmmm, what should I ask for?!?

I said sure to MC, wish you would have agreed to that after DD though buddy! But heck, this could be enlightening for both of us. My maybe next step is to have him move out for 2 months. The only thing holding me back, well money too, is that no matter what happens, I want to sell the house, so I need him to do stuff to help get it ready to sell.

Thanks again everyone for your thoughts and encouragement!

Just a thought that may not apply to your situation, but the part you said about needing WH's help to fix up the house to sell it, hits home 100% here. Money will be an issue for you, but most contractors will at least give you free estimates in writing for the work you could hire them to do rather than rely on WH's cooperation...and it might be strategic to operate as if that's your actual plan.

Why do I say that? Because my fWH has dragged his feet for years and years to avoid actually finishing up a job only he and I can do (something we started back in 2002!) as no contractor I could hire would want to assume responsibility for work they didn't do - and my fWH knows this as well as I do. Since he doesn't want to pay any more consequences for his repeated betrayals, he apparently thinks if he just stays busy doing other things, it postpones the day when I could sell my house "out from under him," even though legally, he is a guest here, now. After D-Day 2, he signed a legal document surrendering his spousal rights to the place and deeded me the house (in like exchange for my old house I deeded him) so in theory, I could go ahead and sell it any time. But since I'd like a straightforward sale with no "unfinished business" to reduce the listing price down to the level of "a fixer-upper-in-progress," I feel just as stuck.

And the more you ask him for home repair help like that, the more negotiating power he knows he will have to resist cooperating, if he's anything like mine.

Superesse, thank you for sharing your experience. Wasn’t thinking about that, but I am now!

I told him to find a MC, that was 2 days ago. I asked him if he found one yet, he said no, he hasn’t looked yet. Hmmm. I said, in a joking way, are you stalling on doing that so time just passes by, he laughed saying yes, then "just kidding". He asked if I was in a hurry, I said, well yes, it might take awhile to find one and get an appointment and I’m not going to wait in limbo too long. He said oh.

So now I think I’m going to find one, because even if he finds one, he could possibly say they don’t have an opening for a month or something. Grrr!

As I just posted in another thread in Reconciliation forum, MC may not be the move for YOU to make at all.

The advice I've seen here, and wish I'd heard way back at D-Day 1, twenty-four years ago, is to get IC for each person first, and only IF and WHEN the Wayward gets their head out of their nether regions can MC be of much help. MC is good for fine-tuning things like communication styles between partners, or hashing out certain disagreements in a mutual trust environment. Once that trust has been violated, I believe MC can be harmful rather than helpful, as it usually requires the Betrayed to "move on" and "act as if" so the counselor can focus on a Marriage that one party has disregarded.

As the Betrayed, you need your trauma addressed, which from my experience and that of most folks here I recall reading, in the presence of the Wayward Spouse, many MCs will tend to minimize "air time" for the Betrayed Spouse's trauma to be helped; I know ours did! They aren't usually trained to fix broken promises and personality disorders.

Now back to the home repairs. There can be a time and place to "act as if" since the openness of your formerly-trusting partnership may not serve you well now. That's why I say if you start off by getting bids from contractors to do the work that a real estate agent tells you they think ought to be done before you put it on the market, it would send messages to your WH that (a) you are serious and (b) he cannot manipulate your timeline.

You don't need to advance any funds for work until a contract is signed, so you can start the ball rolling by getting quotes from licensed contractors, after having at least one local realtor visit your house and point out its biggest needs - which is also a free service. I got 3 different agents to walk through my old house on separate occasions hoping they'd get the listing; each of them had different ideas of what would be the top things to spruce up!

Many times, people don't know the most critical home improvements to make as we always want our houses to be top-notch. So we think it ALL has to be done! Yet some things are less important than others, and I've heard a few stories of people who threw big effort and big bucks into fixing up their house to sell, only to have its new owner tear it all out! An experienced realtor can also steer you on this.