SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Often I see advice given out here that the BS needs to work on their own healing, and detach from the outcome of the marriage, and to protect themselves.

I honestly don't know what it really means to heal yourself. What exactly does that look like for a BS? What should I be doing, or not doing?

How does one protect yourself when trying to R? I can't control my wife, and she has the ability to do major damage to me in many ways. Financially, emotionally, and physically (via STD's from future or current cheating). I feel naked, and unprotected, and that tends to make me a little paranoid.

How can one partner really heal when the other partner doesn't do the work they need to do to facilitate that? I get how it's possible to heal if one were divorcing, the danger from that person is mostly gone. But when trying to R, you have to continue to be exposed to the person who hurt you, and continue to be attached to them in the many ways marriages causes people to be attached. How can you heal yourself when you need them to do things to help you feel safe again?

Isn't detaching from the marriage the exact opposite of what R is?

In the case of a spouse that is taking their time to "get there", how and when does one know that it's been enough time and they aren't going to get there? Or if one should wait longer to allow them to make the journey? I understand it takes people time to change and that real change has to be genuine, and not forced. In my case I expected much greater progress from my wife after 18 months of individual therapy, but here we are. She is making progress for sure, I see it, it just doesn't match what I had in my head. Am I expecting too much? Too little? Is it just right? How am I supposed to know?

I'm terrified of sweeping this under the rug. How can I know when I'm doing that, verses just looking at the positive and doing my part to help facilitate R? It's not a one sided thing I'm sure. But right now I tend to focus on what she is not doing, and not so much on what she has done and what I should be doing - which is really my responsibility.

I appreciate this. There are a bunch of nuances in this I suppose. I personally don't agree with each individual pursuing healing alone IF THEY ARE PURSUING recovery of the relationship. It is a relational wound and I believe it requires relational healing as the focus.

Sure individual issues will be uncovered through that process that will need to be addressed by the individual. But the focus is on the relationship.

Now if only the betrayed wants to reconcile and the wayward will not do work, well that is different. The betrayed needs to set boundaries for safety. And they will need individual therapy to guide through that.

I think you would be benefited by checking out Jake Porters "Couple Centered Recovery Model". He explains topics surrounding this in detail.

Essentially, healing yourself means being free from the trauma and pain that robs you of your ability to live and enjoy your life that you possessed, or possibly never posessed all your life. It means finding your way to your own acceptance and agency, crossing the ocean of big feelings, settling in a place where you take responsibility for yourself. Hopefully, you will find happiness within your own pages and a lifetime subscription to self respect.

Yeah, so fucking easy.

I find the concept to be elusive in practice and grapple with much the same problems as you. Woodthrush has a take after my own heart, that the injury is relational, and a relational repair would require both parties to be working toward the betrayed parties needs and feelings. Broken hearts want amends. Heart breakers tend to want a free pass. Compromise for either is a hard sell.

Well, you cant make someones heart change. Maybe you can accept them as they are, maybe you can live with less, maybe you can compromise. And maybe you cant. But it doesnt sound like you are getting what you hoped for and needed. As someone in much the same place, I am sorry.

Its sometimes too much to hope that someone who would have it in them to do these things would suddenly find themselves structurally capable of the kind of selflessness it would take to be the partner someone whom this was done to needs them to be. I happen to think it likely a rare thing, to be capable of both. I think a lot of waywards learn what they need to say and try to fake it. Some more successful than others. The lack of remorse comes out sideways, false R.

They are trying to save the relationship, to their credit; but they just arent authentic. The respect isnt real, the remorse isnt real, the love may actually just be need.

But like anything, its not impossible for someone whose heart is actually in the doing. Time tells more, but past results are moderately predictive when it comes to human behavior, unfortunately.

Give yourself all the grace in the world, but make sure you do your part to find your own way out of the pain. Start by choosing yourself in a way that youve denied yourself. For me it was physical health and introspection. Love yourself and allow your feelings to be as they are, and explore them. As they change, you will too. It will take as long as it must. Two years in, Im no further than you.

I hope for you. Bless you.

Theevent -

Isn't detaching from the marriage the exact opposite of what R is?

I think detachment, or the 180 is more of a tool when the WS isn’t working on themselves, or helping you work on the M.

But healing yourself is key, since you’re the only one who can do it. And the more you heal, the healthier you get, the more you can contribute to rebuilding the M you want. Or having the strength you need to let go of the outcome.

Rugsweeping to me is easy to identify — anytime either of you pretend the A didn’t happen or ignore the fallout from it, that’s sweeping it under, and hoping things work out without the work.

Healing myself was processing all of the pain, setting the boundaries I needed in any relationship worthy of my time and recognizing nothing I did forced my spouse to turn away from the M.

If your spouse isn’t doing things to make you feel safe, you’re not in R anyway, and the healing yourself is still important, regardless of how the M turns out.

The concept of letting go of the outcome was a huge help in my understanding the ‘heal yourself’ mantra.

The day I knew I would be great with or without the M was the day I knew I was healed up enough to move forward.

The paranoia, at low levels anyway, is just your brain on alert and protecting you.

You’re right, you can’t control your wife, or anyone else, but you can choose how you respond to adversity, and choose what you need your day-to-day life to be to feel supported and safe.

My wife still isn’t perfect, but she is far kinder and more considerate than ever, and I believe she wants what I want, because she keeps on trying everyday for nearly a decade now.

If you need more, ask for more from your wife.

If she has done some good things, make sure you let her know the good she has done.

Since nothing is guaranteed in any relationship, you work on knowing what your value is and how important your boundaries are — then heal up a bit more.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 6:47 AM, Monday, January 12th]

I see it as something you learn to live with. Like a limp from an accident. I survived it. Adapted and we move forward. My wife has taken great strides forward. But she has said you love me differently now. For me I no longer fear her screwing around. She does it will hurt but I will survive without her. Getting some time away from the intrusive thoughts and panic attacks directly after gives you time to think. And you need to weigh the positive against the negative and ask yourself if you can live with it while living with her. Because if you can't you're just going to be miserable. Your wife made a terrible choice. She did not have your back and cared nothing about your future. This is what she is capable of. Tough truths to come to some peace with. Some people can live with it and live with her. Some people just cannot. You didn't choose to have to make that decision. There is a terrible injustice with infidelity. But it is what it is. If you stay you try to make the best of it. But it is a new marriage and now you can change it to better suit your needs. You can work together to build something that will better suit you both. From dark times comes change. We hate change but maybe it's for the good.

I'm terrified of sweeping this under the rug. How can I know when I'm doing that, verses just looking at the positive and doing my part to help facilitate R? It's not a one sided thing I'm sure. But right now I tend to focus on what she is not doing, and not so much on what she has done and what I should be doing - which is really my responsibility.

Sweeping things under the rug will cause emotions to come back to bite you and tell you to look at the things you hidden there.

Do not ignore them, they are your wake up call.

Healing yourself and Reconcile are 2 separate things.

To heal your wounds you need respite, is you the only doctor, so you must have strong boundaries that prevent anyone from disturbing the healing process.

Reconciliation means accepting to live with the betrayer and give it another chance, that nobody deserves it. It also means "I already paid the highest price for your betrayal. I am willing to keep the knife you stabbed me with lodged in my soul and carry you on with me instead of dumping you as you deserve, because no matter what I still love you."

Reconciliation = a permanent memento of the betrayal that you chose to live with, instead of moving on an forgetting they ever existed. It means what you had is dead, you cannot bring it back to life, you need to start fresh, it is not rebuilding, is a starting over, building a new thing, with the person that destroyed everything you were building before.

And since R requires constructive effort by both sides, if the person who destroyed the relationship before shows signs of being a liability again, you have a huge red flag that they are going to destroy the new relationship you are building as well.

Constructive work means you must focus on what she does, not on the things "she does not do" not the negatives. She puts effort and is present and willing? Good, she is showing you she can regain trust.

She doesn't do damage? Irrelevant. You know she can do it already. She need to show up for both of you to have a R, consistently. Not just avoiding blowing up and be missing for the rest, that is not R is avoidance.

This is a good discussion. After multiple DDays and IC and MC along the way, this time I allowed my IC to be focused on my own upbringing, value system, and codependent tendencies I displayed in my marriage. I learned a lot about myself, but I won't say I feel much "healed." Since we, too, have pursued reconciliation as the goal from the beginning, I never fully bought into the "pursue your own healing" and "getting to a place where you're ok with or without the M." I just couldn't go down that road, and our faith played a role in that, I'm sure.

Reconciliation means accepting to live with the betrayer and give it another chance, that nobody deserves it. It also means "I already paid the highest price for your betrayal. I am willing to keep the knife you stabbed me with lodged in my soul and carry you on with me instead of dumping you as you deserve, because no matter what I still love you."

Man this hits...

Your wife made a terrible choice. She did not have your back and cared nothing about your future. This is what she is capable of. Tough truths to come to some peace with.

This, too...

Here in this boat with you, brother.

[This message edited by Carpenter81 at 2:17 PM, Monday, January 12th]