SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife and I have had a few issues recently, we separated nearly 2 years ago because she was having an emotional affair with a colleague which led to them swapping explicit photo's and messages. We reconciled but obviously my trust was destroyed.
Things seemed to be improving until one day I get a message from a complete stranger on Facebook containing explicit photos of my wife, I had seen them all but there were 2 that I hadn't which weren't explicit but a little provocative, which he claimed she had sent to him. When challenged she claimed that he must have hacked her WhatsApp and she posted the 2 other photo's on Facebook but deleted them because she didn't like them. I've never fully believed her but I kept going with our marriage.
For Christmas I bought her a new phone and after she transferred everything across she put her old phone away, she fell asleep so I grabbed her old phone and took to the toilet because I simply didn't trust her anymore & I found an explicit video and 2 photo's in her WhatsApp images that were dated last week, but she didn't send them to me so it's clear that she has been messaging someone else.
I'm absolutely devastated and feel like such a mug, it's Christmas day and I find this out

so sorry you had to find us, but it;s the nicest group of folks.

Please read in the healing library and all the posts in this forum marked with bullseyes— you may have to go back a few pages.

It sounds like things were just swept under the rug when you got back together. Did she do any work as to WHY she has poor boundaries? What commitments and actionable change has she done?

This is really hard so please take care of your self.
1) make an appt with your doctor for STI testing . Don’t have unprotected sex with her until she does the same and shows you the results. .Cheaters lie, so you need proof.

2) take care of yourself. Eat healthfully, avoid alcohol / drugs (ask me how I know this one 🥴), drink lots of water, get daily exercise and sleep. If you cannot sleep, talk to your doctor. if you cannot eat, try protein shakes.. this all helps your mind, body and emotional regulation.

3) Get into IC (individual counseling) to help you figure out what YOU want and need. Look for one with TRAUMA experience b/c this really is a trauma. Do you have anyone IRL you can share with? Someone who will provide a supportive ear?

4) Read about the 180. It helps you detach so you can think and breathe and decide what YOU want.

5) Make an appt with 2-3 lawyers to explore what D (divorce) would look like. You don’t need to file for D, but knowledge is power and knowledge will help alleviate fear of the unknown.

Keep reading, and keep posting. Know that this is 100% on her and 0% on you. Don’t let her put any blame on you and don’t tell her how you found the texts. All marriages are imperfect but cheating is a choice, and one she chose repeatedly.

Hang in there - it may be a little slow today but others will be by. Know that you will get through this and find happiness whether you D or R (reconcile).

Something about getting older, and reading on sites like this, has given me enough information to understand some people should not be married. They try, sometimes they try, but their ability to form deep attachments was either damaged or never formed.

You have tried forgiveness and reconciliation only to find yourself exactly where you were before. It seems to me you need to be very realistic about your wife. She gets more from the childish behaviors than she does from a marriage.

Please be very clear that this has nothing to do with you. She brought this with her into her adulthood. She would have done this with any husband.

I think you need to see a dr to help with anxiety and possible depression and to get help sleeping. Your health is taking a beating right now. That should be your primary focus.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 10:08 PM, Thursday, December 25th]

I would strongly suggest you print out paper copies of everything you have found because she can remotely wipe that phone and once you confront her if she's smart that will be the first thing on her mind

As asked above, after the first affair did she work with a therapist to fix herself? Or was the affair simply swept under the rug?

I know your mind is processing a thousand thoughts a second and it will take a while for that to calm down so please do not make any rash decisions but be aware that when confronted cheaters will lie, they will try to minimize, they will try DARVO.

When I confronted my wife I recorded the entire conversation because I knew I was such an emotional wreck that I would not remember everything that was said and how it was said and when we started going through MC I was able to correct her. For example, there were instances where she said I never said that or I was not that mean and I said yes you did and yes you were

I would strongly suggest you start recording your interactions with her. You will have to check on the legality of it but just for your own safety start recording everything

You are in for a rough ride but you are in a great place for support

I am very sorry to read your story of infidelity and I know people here will have great advice and recommandations. I just wanted to chime in and say hi as it's the holidays and perhaps there will be fewer messages than usual (or not, maybe the opposite if people are home and more available to respond). Do stick around as this is the best place to learn and really what got me through after DD.

Man, I'm so sorry you've found yourself here, but you did come to a good place. Many of us know what you're going through right now. D day for me was only 8 months ago, and it still eats me up sometimes. Infidelity is more traumatic than I realized unti it was thrust into my lap. Don't let your wife downplay this, don't take any blame, and don't just sweep this under the rug. I see you've gotten some good advice already thus far.

Have you confronted your wife yet? I know this is hard to hear, but you might have just scratched the surface. Tho it sounds like you have enough to be very concerned, you don't exactly have a smoking gun quite yet. Do not let her know what all you know.

When you do confront you'll want to come across like you know more than you do. If she knows what you know she will only admit to that, and likely withhold or downplay anything else. The one thing all cheaters have in common is they all lie at first. It's pretty much a trope at this point. If she thinks you know more, she might give up more info. Don't let her know how you found out. If it were me I'd probably do a little more digging and see what else you can discover before making a confrontation.

I don't have a whole lot else to add at this point but wanted to at least let you know you're being heard and you're not alone. This really, really sucks, but things will eventually get better for you one way or the other. Just hang in there and make sure you look after yourself. Keep eating, stay hydrated and try to stay busy. You're going to be on an emotional roller coaster for a while, but just know that's perfectly normal. You're a human being. More people will be by with more questions and even better advice. Weekends and holidays are a little slower here so just try to be patient. I wish you the best man.

Really sorry you are in this sad situation.

We reconciled but obviously my trust was destroyed.

As someone who was faced with a false reconciliation before it all ended I know how painful it is.

There is a maxim that is oft repeated here which is, "When people show you who they really are (by their repeated actions), believe them." Truth is that so many times the "believe them" part is very very hard for the betrayed. Over and over again we see betrayeds who just cannot reconcile themselves to the fact that the person they lived with and are committed to would commit marital treason. It doesnt compute in their minds. They extend second and even third chances which are taken advantage of by the traitors who are so good at spinning stories, minimizing, rug sweeping and gas lighting.

Soooo, where to from here? You can continue to sleuth, confront and cue more exhausting drama, but to what end? This is who she is. Do you really want to try and build something with someone who continues to tear it down? Take it from me, it is utterly life-draining. I did it for years before it ended. Most wearying years of my life.

Or

You can end it and start fresh (I did and am very very happy...best years of my life).

Remember,

Fool me once....

Fool me twice...

Strength and clarity to you.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 4:09 PM, Friday, December 26th]

Thank you for your comments. I still haven't confronted her yet but I shall soon.
The first instance has always been brushed under the carpet because she refuses to talk about it, she says that she knows how badly she treated me and doesn't need reminding yet it doesn't seem to stop her repeating it.
It's likely I will confront her tomorrow and she will be told that she is moving out, we have 3 kids but she doesn't deserve to remain in our house after what she's done. Also, i have nowhere to go but she can go to her parents.
I'm glad I've sat on this for a bit because had i said something yesterday when I was angry it would have descended into a huge argument but now I hope I will be able to stay calm and keep myself together. I'm still angry but it's far more controlled now

I think you're handling this about as well as one could expect given the circumstances. When you do confront, don't show her your whole hand. Like I said, you'll want to come across like you know more than you do. You could say something along the lines of "I know you're having an inappropriate relationship with someone else. I probably know more than you think I do. What I want to see right now is if you're going to be honest with me about what's going on. If you lie to me, I will know." Then go from there. If she won't admit to anything then tell her you know she's lying and leave it at that. Don't give up all your info and don't give up your source(s).

As far as her moving out goes, I don't know what the laws in the UK are like, but I know if you're in the US you generally can't "make" her move out. She can agree to if you give her that ultimatum, but you should probably check with a barrister so you know your rights and what you can or can't do in this situation. Maybe consult first before you confront her so you're properly armed with knowledge.

This is some rough stuff man. It was not right for her to not talk with you about the first time. These things can't be rug swept and need to be dealt with. Otherwise it just festers, becomes more infected, and pops back up again even worse. Sometimes years later. Don't let her get away with it again. If you hit her with divorce, stick to your guns unless she really turns things around, gets into counseling to figure out her shit, and of course if you even want to try to reconcile. Backpedaling on that could just blow up in your face.

I wish you the best man. Good luck. Keep posting here. Use us to vent to if you want. Everyone here gets it. Just talking with others about it has helped me a lot.

Splinky

Unless "Southern" UK extends down to Afghanistan then there isn’t really any way that kicking her out is legally possible.
A key to d-day is being realistic.
What you can do is tell her you know about her present shenanigans, and that they just simply tell you very clearly that you two don’t have a future as a couple.
Let her know that she’s free to send whatever she wants to whomever she wants. Remind her that sexually explicit data is online for eternity once it’s been sent, and that she better prepare for the day when one of your kids is traumatized by seeing more of their mom than they expected. Remind her that the content is being sent between people that are not honest...
Then factually deal with how you two separate your lives. It’s a process and takes time. But it’s definitely not one-sided, and infidelity will have minimal (if any) effect on the outcome.

I think every BS needs to pay attention to Bigger. His common sense approach to something as awful as betrayal helps sort things out. My suggestion, based on my work, and the people I work with, is to get a spiral notebook, a ballpoint pen and a yellow marker. Sit down alone And on a scrap piece of paper write out the most important things you need to do. The first one is to see an attorney. If you are dealing with no fault, you’re going to deal with no fault…that’s pretty nonnegotiable. But there are still issues to be worked out with an attorney whose specialty is divorce because knowing what they’re doing can makes a difference. Just an aside, I have friends who got a wimp for an attorney and lost thousands because he did not know how to get combative with a bulldog attorney on the other side. So when you ask people about attorneys, ask them if they are satisfied with how their case was handled. That’s going make a huge difference in how you feel at the end of it all.

On a scrap piece of paper write down everything you can think of that needs to be taken care of. In the states we’ve got tax season coming up. That has to be handled. How that get handled with people who are separating and possibly living in separate households Has to be addressed.

If your stress levels are way up, you need to see a doctor about temporary medicines for anxiety and possibly something to help you sleep at night. If you’re having trouble eating, I recommend one of those liquid drinks that help you because you’re not having to think about cooking or buying groceries. You just open it up and drink it. That’s not necessarily the way you need to live the rest of your life, but it puts some nutrition in your body when your body wants nothing to do with it.

After you’ve written down as many things, as you can think of all that scrap piece of paper, pull out that spiral notebook and write them down in order of importance. After you’ve written everything down, look at the first one on the list and do that, and then once it’s done, take a yellow magic marker so you can see through it and mark across it. Then go to the next one. As you think of new things that come up you write them down, but they’re not necessarily in the order they need to be and that’s when you go to the next page and write down again in order of importance. That’s how you keep up with your day-to-day responsibilities because life goes on regardless of what is going on inside. The reason I suggest doing this manually is because writing it down helps you memorize things and as you come up with things you can put them down immediately. The most successful person I’ve ever worked with used this every day and she was always organized and on time and able to put things aside what they were done.

Bigger deals with the practicalities of your life and that’s how you have to deal with it because now it’s business. It’s the practical side and it’s so hard to think about it because you’re in so much agony, but you have to. You are planning the rest of your life and that’s going to take time and energy and help.