SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So interesting little tiff with the wife yesterday. I've been away for two weeks for work. Before that I was on a project that went for a month of very long days and weekends. Before that we were dealing with the passing of my father. The perfect storm. It was brewing. I believe it started about the use of a snowblower and escalated to the resentment we each had for things in the past. I've noticed in the last year that we have very different views on where the accountability lays. I have stated that I take full responsibility for my part in our marriage tanking before the affair. But I do not take any for her poor coping skills. She said that my actions caused the affair. She said it when she was really angry. The lightbulb in my head goes off and I think"There is how you really feel" No bullshit, no political answer, just the true feeling. Like I didn't know she felt like that. She just would never say it. But always sort of alluded to it. She apologized after and said that She was responsible for her actions. But it's 10 years later and this crap still comes up. The resentment kind of lives under the surface. Its funny how you think you let it go. But a few harsh words and it comes gushing out like a waterfall. After this many years of marriage there is bound to be some resentment. There is always more work to do on ourselves and our marriage but I think your always going to have some sort of resentment regardless of what side of the affair you were on. It's inevitable with betrayal. But as always. Some days I'm committed to my spouse. Some days I'm committed to my marriage. Some days I'm committed to my commitment. How does everyone else deal with their resentment?

Committed to my commitment.

I like that.

I think your always going to have some sort of resentment regardless of what side of the affair you were on. It's inevitable with betrayal.

I mean no offense when I say that, but I don’t think that part holds true for everyone.

It would be a real problem for me if my wife blamed me for the affair or resented me, and that came "gushing out" whenever we argued. I know I could not reconcile with her if that was the case. Even if she did not actually feel that way but was only weaponizing the trauma of her infidelity out of anger, I fail to see how I could truly recover. How could we rebuild trust if she held no genuine remorse for her actions and she continued to hurt me with them? How could I believe that she wasn’t going to do it again? I would absolutely not feel safe.

I am so sorry you are going through this, but do you think maybe it is way past time that you expect better for yourself? Perhaps you could work on the way the two of you communicate when you are angry in marriage counseling, and she could sort out her feelings about you and lack of accountability in individual therapy. Just about every couple has fights sometimes, but there are some places you just don’t go.

There is just no way my wife would put her affair or her decisions on me now. Certainly there was some typical relationship history rewriting at the time, but the marriage was totally fine. She has completely accepted responsibility and doesn't "resent me" for any of the pre A issues.

I don't think everyone necessarily has resentments. Resentment builds up when things aren't aired. My H had a lot of built up resentment because he was (is?) so extremely conflict avoidant. He would deny there was any problem. I don't have resentments because I tell him when something bothers me, maybe to a fault sometimes.

If your W has anywhere in her mind that you caused her to cheat, she is not truly remorseful and reconciliation is not possible. She can't be a safe partner until she takes full responsibility for her behavior.

It sucks that it took 10 years to hear what she really thinks. I can’t imagine something like that being said if it were not their true feelings.

I chose not to have any resentments at all anymore.

I spent 40-years of near misery holding on to all the grievances, the me against the world stuff.

My life motto was — life sucks, then you die.

Then my wife confessed her A.

At the bottom of the emotional well, I started to understand what it means to choose our path forward. I get to choose how I respond to adversity, and going with anger and resentment never made my life better.

I saw the saying, "resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

I get it now.

These days, if I am angry, I vent it out in the here and now. With every person on the planet, not just my wife.

Same with sad days and happy days, I share it all.

I don’t hold on to anything.

Now, I have also learned some tact and restraint when I vent my anger, which helps the other person want to address the issue instead of walking away with resentments of their own.

My wife’s resentments were a HUGE part of her rationalizations to cheat.

She also learned that acting on resentments didn’t help her life at all.

We hammer stuff out, every day, as needed.

I like a life sans regrets or resentment, makes it easier to focus on the good things.

I will echo some of the other posts, I don't believe we hold resentments anymore. We are not yet to the ten year mark but if I told my husband that my affair was his fault, or even said anything that hints I think that, I am pretty sure that would lead to major consequences. I can’t even speculate as to where that would land but it would say to him that I haven’t done the work that I have presented to him all these years and that would likely fall into betrayal or our rule against lying.

We also never speak to each other in such anger we say things we don’t mean. But, that has never been in our marital problems. Do we get agitated? Yeah, sometimes, and we may use a tone that demonstrates that, but not on deep things.

No marriage is perfect. I am not at all saying that. I am saying that you can work to have the bar raised, my concern really lies in the idea has your wife been truly remorseful in what she has done to you by having an affair? Blaming you, even in a moment of heated anger reveals not fully recognizing what she did as having inflicted major trauma. Past affairs are always going to be somewhat of a tender spot and gouging someone in that spot reveals she still has major work to do - in either managing her emotions, coping mechanisms, effective communication, etc…and likely a bit of all these things.

I believe this may be a breakthrough that could actually HELP in moving y'all forward . You stated that she has alluded to it but she has never actually said it until that point...when she was really angry.

I learned that anger is actually a secondary emotion...brought on by a primary emotion such as hurt, guilt, etc. Now that y'all are more calm, y'all may be able to discuss this a little further and some healing may come from this .

Resentment isn't a good emotion that will be part of a healthy relationship. Getting rid of resentment will HELP your relationship get much better! One way to get rid of resentment is to have an "attitude of gratitude" !

I am getting ready to write in the "Thankful Thursday" thread. There was actually a thread like this that was started years before by a BW when she and her WH were given an assignment by their counselor to write down three things that they were thankful for, for their spouse, by the next week's session. She said that their mindset changed from one of looking at what to BLAME each other for...to looking at what to THANK each other for .

Our minds are AMAZING things...but sometimes WE put them in a prison due to our self-sabotage. Our THOUGHTS dictate our FEELINGS. Maybe y'all can put your thoughts out on the table...and dissect them until you get to the root issue? After that...maybe y'all can start dealing with what will HELP your M? If y'all look at this as a TEAM working toward a healthy M...would that maybe help y'alls mindset?