SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So you decided it’s okay to kiss other women and "a discussion" is what is needed.

Fine. Your culture is different.

But you still haven’t answered the repeated question about why you are here and what is happening in your relationship.

You have accused your partner of being a prostitute. You have said she accepted something (you never really said what) in return for sex.

In some states in the USA, that is legal. So that might mean your wife’s "culture" is different from yours, and she is going by Nevada standards…

I’m being sarcastic here because the truth is you crossed a boundary, excuse it with a wave of the hand, won’t tell us what happened with your wife, so…..

In my culture we even have a word for kissing outside the relationship and while it is something that needs to be addressed or discussed, people don't see it as cheating or a deal breaker.

I know in some cultures kissing can even be a common greeting. However it's generally not accompanied by...

I was horny, I was drunk and I've got a once in a lifetime offer. (Ok, I had a second one, too)

Is it common in your culture to get drunk, horny, and make out with the opposite sex just to say "hi?"

I called my gf then immediately an we spoke about it.

Did you mention the drunk and horny "once in a lifetime offer" part? Once in a lifetime for what? If it's common in your culture I wouldn't think it would be a "once in a lifetime" offer...

Here's the whole Story.

When I met my wife thirteen years ago, she told to me after a few months that she would like to be an au-pair in New Zealand for six months. She was afraid that it wouldn't work out and wanted to call the whole trip off, but I encouraged her to go through with it and that our relationship would be fine.

I had a part-time job at a bar at the time and there was a coworker, let's call her Tifa,that every guy liked. She was very pretty, had red hair, green eyes and very nice curves. It really was the case that every guy talked about her. I had a few shifts with her, we got on well. Two weeks before my girlfriend came back from New Zealand I invited the coworker to a party to set her up with a friend of mine.

At the end of the party, two of my friends came up to me and said: "Hey, Tifa really likes you". I couldn't believe it and just thought to myself: "yeah, sure", but at some point I noticed this gleam in her eyes and when the party was more or less over, she actually asked me if she could come over to my place - that's actually never happened to me before in my life, I'm just an average-looking Guy.

We then rode our bikes to my apartment and sat there on the couch and I still couldn't believe that this was really happening. I offered something to drink and we looked into each other's eyes and started to kiss kiss.

BUT, even though

I was totally drunk, because at this party the alcohol was free, and

I hadn't had sex for three months with my girlfriend - and, very importantly,

I had a bet with a friend at the same time about how long we could go without porn,

I didn't manage to finish what we started for the simple reason that it didn't feel right, actually, it felt sooo wrong and I don't want to have sex with someone if it doesn't feel right. I then asked her to go home as I had to get up in the morning because I was on shift, which was really true, and I immediately called my girlfriend on Skype. I confessed everything straight away and she shed a tear but said we'd talk about it when she comes back in two weeks. In the end she forgave me and although I admit, that for two years I had always wondered what if, I am now very proud that I broke it off back then.

I am confused when those cheaters say they always felt guilty or that it felt wrong but still couldn't stop it.

[This message edited by Shino at 6:34 PM, Tuesday, January 6th]

Shino,

SINCE YOU ADMITTED THAT YOUR "PROSTITUTION STORY" IS A LIE,

you don’t deserve more time from honest people.

[This message edited by 5Decades at 2:30 PM, Tuesday, January 6th]

I think it comes down to if you respect yourself, and you respect your spouse.

Low self esteem, giving them an excuse to get validation elsewhere.
Feeling disconected with their spouse, growing apart, stress, busy lives.
Poor self control, and thinking their spouse is responsible for all their issues in life.

If you have poor self control, no impulse control, and are weak minded and can justify hurting the one person that should be safe with you then that's what a cheater thinks.

Ultimately it's selfish, they are lost in the moment, and have no regrets until the consequences arrive. They believe they are owed some sort of magical connection, validation or rescue from unhappiness, or a perceived lack of attention or affection from their spouse, so they get that quick dopamine hit from cheating. It has all the warm fuzzies a new relationship does, and they get to hide behind their insecurities and have their cake and eat it too.

It's the ultimate betrayal, PTSD, and gives lasting trauma that never stops giving. Cheating is just a cheap excuse for bad behavior.

Being ignored, not heard, your partners flaws, not being validated, not enough attention, feeling lonely, lack of intimacy, communication, or wanting to be desired give a cheater plently of emotional validation to carry on, without a care in the world.

If they weren't WEAK people they would fix the issues, or they would leave in a healthy way. Unfortunately there are plenty of people out there that are willing to join them in the destruction of your life. Many probably feel the risk is worth the reward, right up till the point when they lose everything. When that happens regret sinks in, and they have a sudden epiphany that they want it all to go away and you to forgive and forget like it was nothing.

The biggest hipocrates are the ones that would be 1000 miles away if you did it to them, and it would be unconscionable for them to be the one that was betrayed.

In the end they often have issues with communication, and healthy boundaries. No one cheats by accident. Lots of steps take place where they could walk away and say NO, but they don't.

In my culture we even have a word for kissing outside the relationship and while it is something that needs to be addressed or discussed, people don't see it as cheating or a deal breaker.

dude seriously. no just no.

Shino, you'll get different answer depending on who you ask

A unremorseful cheater will put the blame 100% of the BS.

A clueless non BS will blame the BS for 50% of the WS'S A.

Here on SI , we blame the cheater 100%

[This message edited by Dorothy123 at 12:21 PM, Wednesday, January 7th]

Shinzo -what you may not understand about a lot of cheating circumstances—-often the cheater doesn’t even care about themselves. They betray themselves in having an affair because the are doing things that are not in their best interest.

I was very numb at the time of my affair. I have never had a period in my life where I have been more emotionally flat. I sort of just wanted to die in some ways. It’s hard to care about others when you don’t even care about yourself.

That’s not the case in all cheating situations but the ones who compartmentalize and just want more or different sex believe there won’t be consequences because the are so clever.

For me I didn’t care about blowing up my life.

[This message edited by hikingout at 2:01 PM, Wednesday, January 7th]

Muggle wrote:
The biggest hipocrates are the ones that would be 1000 miles away if you did it to them, and it would be unconscionable for them to be the one that was betrayed.

This is a factor for me that maybe shouldn't be a factor, but if the shoe was on the other foot and I cheated on my wife I know she wouldn't leave me. She has of course told me that, but I knew that before all the crap hit the fan in our marriage. They're not just empty words from her. I know she'd choose R if it happened the other way around. It is something I considered in making my decision to try to R.

Shino,

So you had a girlfriend you presumably agreed to be monogamous with. After finding out this woman was interested in you, you didn't say that you were flattered but taken, or anything of that sort. Then you agreed to take her home with you, with the intention of having sex. You kissed her.

Sure, maybe you didn't actually have sex with her, but what part of that scenario isn't infidelity? You chose to do things that would hurt your girlfriend at every turn. If you want answers about why cheaters do what they do, this is a good place to find them. But I would also encourage you to look inwards for them. You should reevaluate where your boundaries should be for any current or future relationships as well.

As for me, I felt guilt and like it was wrong at every turn during my affair. I didn't stop because, selfishly, the companionship, validation, and escapism that I was getting from xAP mattered more to me then than how I thought my BH would feel if he found out about it. I compare it to addicts who destroy their lives and families for their highs, time after time. They are hooked and they can't stop, even as their families are suffering and everything is falling apart around them.

To go back to your subject line question, "Why don't they think of the children," when I was still trying to reconcile, one of the things my stbx put in his written disclosure is that his married AP (with 3 kids) said, "My kids are the most important thing in my life. I will never leave my family," and "You and I have a choice, the kids do not" as a reason for why she didn't want to divorce her husband. Stbx and I also have a child, who was of similar age to AP's children. Why did he tell me all this? Because it was evidence that she "also wanted to end things."

Do you think things ended? Nope. Over 3 years, stbx and AP "broke it off" something like 10 times. They would go no contact for a week or two, then my stbx would check in on her, then the affair would resume.

This woman who claimed that her kids were so important and who knew that her choices could destroy their lives didn't manage to stay away from my stbx. Why? Will we ever really know? I think the bottom line is that being with him made her feel good, and the desire to feel good overwhelmed the scruples about her kids. Future pain (the kids) is easier to ignore than present pain (not seeing your AP), and it's way less motivating than immediate pleasure.

As for my stbx, he is the child of a bitter divorce. He grew up without seeing his dad. He swore when we got married that he would never want to put his own children through that, and then he tried to guilt trip me about our kid when I recently told him I wanted a divorce. Obviously he should've considered this before starting an affair, but he was too wrapped up in all their lovey-dovey feelings. I still believe that if she was willing to divorce her husband (who knew about the affair long before me, btw), he would've dumped me and our kid.

Hypocrisy is part of human nature. So is not thinking about future consequences. In your personal example with your girlfriend, you knew you weren't risking a lot and yet you stopped because it didn't feel right. In my case, he had worked beside this woman for a year and was in love with her. He felt great with her, even if the lying and secrecy at home drove him to drink.

So for some kinds of cheating, I'd say that nothing matters as much as those good feelings. It's very much like how a drug addict or alcoholic destroys the lives of their children.