@feelingverylow I support you in your desire to come clean. I am not a psychic, and of course I cannot predict that will happen in your life, but what I CAN tell you as a Wayward Spouse is that I never realized the sheer weight I was carrying until I disclosed. I wrestled with whether I was doing this for me instead of my BH, but the fact is I am doing it for BOTH of us. We are touch and go at the moment, and we have not hit the awful part yet where he is angry and bitter, but I know it is coming once he gets over the initial shock and the knowledge that this marriage could end. There are no rules or a once size fits all when it comes to disclosure, but the comments and criticisms I got about "trickle truthing" really helped me. I finally disclosed as much as I could in one session, and we are continuing in this vein. We are talking. My BH has surprised me by being receptive to the "why's" behind the LTA, and he has been brave enough to acknowledge his part in some of our marital issues. That said, I am adamant about reminding him that my apology, my remorse and my desire to heal what I have broken all fall on ME and not him. Nothing he did makes what I did ok. Nothing.
There is a difference between a reason, an excuse and a justification. If you can express your remorse and stay away from language that makes any of what you did your spouse's fault, you will do better than some who can't stay away from talking that way. As far as how and what you say, that will all be up to you. But I support you and I know it is scary and difficult and all consuming. One thing I will not do is paint every WS as a monster. The people on this forum are real people. Flesh and blood. Human. Flawed. Not two dimensional.To that end I believe we should show grace and listen to both those who have transgressed AND those who have been betrayed in an effort to learn how this insanity of infidelity happens, and how we can grow and heal from it, no matter which corner we are standing in. I send you courage and support, and I promise you are not your worst day or your worst action .... you are only what you do next. That means you can change and be better every day. Be prepared for pain, but hope for relief and release and forgiveness. No matter what happens do your best. When the weight of this secret is lifted from your shoulders, it may be replaced by an even heavier weight of sorrow and guilt. That's ok. In time you will feel lighter because you came clean, and your spouse will have the information they are entitled to having.
Good luck, and thank you for supporting me and for saying such kind things. I do not feel strong or brave ... I feel desperate. I suppose all three can be true. Either way, if I have helped you in any way to summon up some courage, then good for you! You can do this.
[This message edited by dlvp at 6:30 AM, Friday, August 8th]