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Newest Member: sugar67568776

Wayward Side :
My BH does not want to know

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 dlvp (original poster new member #54772) posted at 6:27 AM on Friday, August 8th, 2025

@feelingverylow I support you in your desire to come clean. I am not a psychic, and of course I cannot predict that will happen in your life, but what I CAN tell you as a Wayward Spouse is that I never realized the sheer weight I was carrying until I disclosed. I wrestled with whether I was doing this for me instead of my BH, but the fact is I am doing it for BOTH of us. We are touch and go at the moment, and we have not hit the awful part yet where he is angry and bitter, but I know it is coming once he gets over the initial shock and the knowledge that this marriage could end. There are no rules or a once size fits all when it comes to disclosure, but the comments and criticisms I got about "trickle truthing" really helped me. I finally disclosed as much as I could in one session, and we are continuing in this vein. We are talking. My BH has surprised me by being receptive to the "why's" behind the LTA, and he has been brave enough to acknowledge his part in some of our marital issues. That said, I am adamant about reminding him that my apology, my remorse and my desire to heal what I have broken all fall on ME and not him. Nothing he did makes what I did ok. Nothing.

There is a difference between a reason, an excuse and a justification. If you can express your remorse and stay away from language that makes any of what you did your spouse's fault, you will do better than some who can't stay away from talking that way. As far as how and what you say, that will all be up to you. But I support you and I know it is scary and difficult and all consuming. One thing I will not do is paint every WS as a monster. The people on this forum are real people. Flesh and blood. Human. Flawed. Not two dimensional.To that end I believe we should show grace and listen to both those who have transgressed AND those who have been betrayed in an effort to learn how this insanity of infidelity happens, and how we can grow and heal from it, no matter which corner we are standing in. I send you courage and support, and I promise you are not your worst day or your worst action .... you are only what you do next. That means you can change and be better every day. Be prepared for pain, but hope for relief and release and forgiveness. No matter what happens do your best. When the weight of this secret is lifted from your shoulders, it may be replaced by an even heavier weight of sorrow and guilt. That's ok. In time you will feel lighter because you came clean, and your spouse will have the information they are entitled to having.

Good luck, and thank you for supporting me and for saying such kind things. I do not feel strong or brave ... I feel desperate. I suppose all three can be true. Either way, if I have helped you in any way to summon up some courage, then good for you! You can do this.

[This message edited by dlvp at 6:30 AM, Friday, August 8th]

posts: 27   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2016
id 8874405
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feelingverylow ( new member #85981) posted at 1:09 PM on Friday, August 8th, 2025

Thanks for your words of encouragement and apologies if I hijacked your thread. One of the big struggles I have is believing that disclosing will help with the shame spiral I am in perpetually. My therapist is adamant in her belief that to 50% of the weight week feel lifted after disclosure. Many of my sleepless nights (been up since 2:00 am today) are consumed by the ruminating thoughts and I keep getting stuck thinking that although the shame is due to the infidelity and subsequent dishonesty by omission, the weight is primarily due to the infidelity and disclosing does nothing to alleviate that.

I am encouraged when I read experiences like yours where disclosing was hard, but helped. I have lied to myself for 20+ years thinking not disclosing was protecting my wife, but know the only path forward is honesty. All of the research and work I have been doing to get to this pointv tells me that although this will crush my wife that disclosing is the right thing to do regardless of the outcome.

In my last therapy session we talked about what was happening when the affair took place. I look at myself 20 years ago and can barely recognize who I was. I would give all my wealth to have a time machine so I could go back and tell myself the outcome of the choices I was going to make. My therapist reinforced that we are not defined by our worst choices, but that just is not landing right now as I feel like any good I have done is like a drop in the tainted ocean from infidelity.

One of my main objectives in therapy is to be at a place where I can disclose and be helpful in her healing. I need to get to the point where I am not focused on the shame I feel. One of the impacts of carrying this for so long is that I feel like it is part of my DNA now. Someone who is disclosing an affair that has just ended might find comfort when people say it will get better over time. I need to remind myself that although the affair ended 20 years ago, time has not been able to help me because I tried to bury everything thinking I could take it to my grave without understanding the toll it would take.

Sorry for the hijack. I am on this site and in the relevant reddit forums almost every day. I worry at times this might be a form of pain shopping as I read the brutal experiences from BSs, but I have also found so m support and community with others that sadly have shared life experiences.

posts: 15   ·   registered: Mar. 19th, 2025
id 8874411
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