SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The past 17 months have been the most challenging and confusing time of my life. Never in my entire 36 year existence have I felt so emotionally or mentally exhausted (all the time).

Once dday happened, there was that initial period of immense shock and denial … this "unknown" feeling took over my reality - what had become of my life?! It hit me hard like a tonne of bricks. I seriously don’t know how I managed to keep so cool and calm.

Probably around that 4-6 month mark, I became tired all the time, like I could literally sleep 23 hours out of every day - the emotional exhaustion has continued to hit me almost daily.

I’m not depressed (or at least I don’t think so). I don’t fixate on my H’s infidelity or constantly wonder what he’s doing - some trust has been restored, progress (while seemingly small at times) has happened. I don’t understand why I still have this level of exhaustion.

While his infidelity doesn’t *seem* to consume every thought of every day, I think infidelity in a general sense "sits" openly in the back of my mind and is quietly picking at my brain, my heart, my conscious … and it’s draining the literal life outta me. Can anyone else relate to this lol?!

I also feel like I rely on the wonderful people at SI too much (I mean, I think it’s a pretty wonderful group to rely on ). Ever since dday I’ve scoured the internet in hopes of finding answers, seeking validation, looking for comfort and hope that everything will be alright. That at the end of the day infidelity isn’t "the end of the world" and there really is life after death.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about "taking a break" from infidelity related outlets to see if it helps in my healing - like taking a break from SI and from the constant infidelity searches. But then on the ther hand, I feel like coming to SI at this point is still more helpful then triggering. Did any of you ever "take a break" to focus on other things?

Also, I just wanted to say that while infidelity is A LOT of things … it’s been very inconvenient … like an annoyance. The amount of time I’ve spent thinking about it, researching it, reading about it, living and breathing it every single day for 17 months is disgusting. I just really miss my normal, everyday run of the mill thoughts and my pre-A "uncomplicated" life.

If you read through my mumble jumble Thursday night thoughts, thank you!

[This message edited by Heartbrokenwife23 at 3:21 AM, Friday, March 21st]

Yes, in my first 2 years I would occasionally take some breaks. Sometimes, when the new member would make their first post, it was so painful and triggering.

At about 18 months, my XWH crossed my hard boundary and I got on the D train. Now, my life is much more peaceful and I'm not thinking of the A or the devastation every day.

Yes to everything you said. Sometimes I just need to think about something else. And if a book can’t take me away, then some murder shows might. The brain needs rest too.
I love the words you used to describe infidelity sitting in the back of your brain… such a powerful image and described my feelings perfectly.

Yes, I took a break some time back. I had been on SI many, many times per day, every day for almost 2 years by then, and consuming hundreds of infidelity related videos on YouTube and read basically every book I could find on it. Around the new year I decided to try and wean myself off it slightly because I noticed I got triggered on here. Especially returning longtime reconcilers with e second DD really sent me into a spin and I noticed I was no longer able to stay in what I was seeing and feeling in my own relationship at all. Instead I was on a daily basis treating my WH and our attempt at R as if he had already relapsed or was 100% sure to. And while being informed and realistic about the fact that many do in fact relapse, it's a whole different monster to just living as if it were already the case.

I really struggled at first. SI and other online resources on infidelity really had become a way for me to self-sooth. So the first few days I had to actively stop my automatic urge to log in 10+ times a day. So I decided to go a week at first. First week was really hard, which was a bit absurd to me, how had I become so dependant on soothing myself this way? Like you said, searching for that ultimate post or video that would make everything make sense.

I eventually stayed away a month and have since returned. I do check in most days now but not at the frequency as previously and now I know to take a break if I notice I start going back down the same rabbit hole. And I have dialed down the videos by about 80%. Mostly because I think I started passing that line where watching more videos were harming my ability to start to move on even a little bit more than they were helping with my recovery.

Do what you need to do. Why not give it a try? Take a week and see what that does for you. You can always return whenever you want to.

Yes it’s exhausting. I took two years off after my husbands affair.

And yes, I due to the double affair situation, I grieve the time lost, whatever happiness and the good things that I could have been having or focused on. I am highly analytical and my brain just chewed and chewed.

However, on the other hand, getting on the other side I do see that all the learning and growing I did (despite hating the origin) has served a much higher purpose for me. I have found a different level of being, loving, and self knowing. And I am starting to see now that not all the time was wasted.

It does get better. I do think taking a break from SI is a worthwhile experiment and see if it helps you start to put more things down and use that time creatively for a hobby or something that nourishes your soul or helps you find peace.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about "taking a break" from infidelity related outlets to see if it helps in my healing - like taking a break from SI and from the constant infidelity searches. But then on the ther hand, I feel like coming to SI at this point is still more helpful then triggering. Did any of you ever "take a break" to focus on other things?

HBW23 --

I think it sounds like you're healing up a little.

The day I asked this same question here on SI, I started to really change my focus.

I take breaks all the time. Some breaks are a couple of weeks, one was six months. I tend to come back now and again to see if there is any of my experience that may help others.

You may still be fighting some depression on and off (I did until year three), but again, finding other ways to invest your energy is a really good step.

I don't hate all the time I spent researching my way to healing, but yeah, I probably circled back to some topics more times than was healthy for me.

It seems to this day, the more I focus on the progress made versus than the old damage done, the better.

At about nine years, I still can be haunted by the past here and there, I find that I'm able to recalibrate in seconds instead of hours or days.

I hope you take a break and find some fun or at least a happy distraction!

leafields

There definitely are some posts and topics that are triggering . I try to gauge the post based on the title, but I feel compelled to look anyways.

I’m so happy for you that you followed through with your boundaries. You must of felt a great amount of clarity in your decision to follow through with D.

AdLaure17

I love murder shows too. I definitely kick back and relax with a little bit of blood splatter lol

Thank you. It’s a weird thing to describe. How infidelity has such a hold on someone. I’m looking forward to the day when it’s nothing more than a passing thought. I know it’s still a long road ahead.

Miserylikescompany

This is exactly me. I’m constantly refreshing the SI website, grasping at straws in hopes that I’m going to find the magic solution to my problems.

I do get triggered here sometimes, although I find not as much as other groups I joined in the early days. Being apart of multiple groups became too much, so I just kept SI - I find the community here to be wholesome and helpful.

I noticed I was no longer able to stay in what I was seeing and feeling in my own relationship at all. Instead I was on a daily basis treating my WH and our attempt at R as if he had already relapsed or was 100% sure to.

This is 100% what I’m doing. I’m constantly projecting (not sure if this is the correct word) other people’s experience onto my own. When I see someone else going through a hard time, boundaries broken, etc, it just creates this sense of urgency to build my walls up and get a mad on for my H (even though nothing is wrong).

I think that’s what I’m doing. It’s a way for me to self soothe and make myself feel better (sometimes it backfires and makes me feel worse) about my choice to stay. I seriously look at certain wise, old-timers here to tell me things are going to be ok … deep down I know this, but I’m looking for that added reassurance.

I think I do need a "break." I’ve already thought about weaning off a little bit at a time. Instead of checking in here multiple times per day, maybe once in the morning and at night, followed by every other day, etc. Ugh … SI is like my feel good drug lol

I’m going to think about it and make a schedule to stick too. Maybe it will be that push forward that I desperately need.

hikingout

You definitely have proved just how much you were able to learn and grow from experiencing both sides of betrayal. You provide so much insight for both BS and WS and I know I always look forward to your responses. I’m hoping that at some point I will not think of this "time" as a complete waste of my energy and resources … I think I’m a few years out from that though

I definitely am going to give it some consideration to ween myself a bit from infidelity outlets. I’ve just spent so much time stuck in this phase and I need to gradually "let go" a bit and continue to push forward.

Oldwounds

I really hope I’m healing some. While I feel healed in some areas, I still feel pretty damaged in others.

I’m glad you return from time to time to offer your wisdom and pay it forward. I think people like you really help people like me

I’m definitely going to invest my energy elsewhere. It’s time to find those joys again and start enjoying them more on a consistent basis.

I thought for awhile that sires like this and thinking about the A was holding back my healing too. In hindsight I don’t think that it was. Instead my use of websites changed from asking for advice and just getting my feelings out there to trying to help others who are feeling like I used to. My use of the sites almost mirrored my own healing timeline.

But I think pulling back to give yourself room to focus on something else is actually a good sign. For me there just came a point where I felt like enough was enough - I was sick of feeling so terrible - I just couldn’t do it anymore. And that’s about when I started to feel better. Like I was getting back to myself again.

So I think feeling like you want a break is a good thing. Step away from it all for a bi and see how you feel.