SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi there, I really need some advice.
Yesterday I confronted my H about p$rn I found on his phone as he has a problem with it and he has been getting more and more moody and secretive. I said I care about you but this has become a problem and I will help him get through it. He grabbed my phone and said my phone wrecked our marriage. He was so mad. He kept my phone and said I could have it back the next day. He gave it back to me when he came home after work but he made snarky, mean comments to me several times during the day. When I checked my phone he had removed my social media. I would have left for the day but my eleven year old was home and I didn’t want to frighten him. I told my H don’t say anything negative around our son and he listened. I was trying to decide what to do and this morning I took his phone and said he can have it later. He called me names and left. I told him if I don’t feel safe I will call the police. He never used to be this way- he was always calm and caring. I am so worried for him and our younger son, our older sons know we are working on relationship stuff and they stay out of it. One is graduated and has his own place. He doesn’t want me to stay with him because the situation stresses him out. My family lives in the next state and I don’t want to make this public if I can help it. Do I just give his phone back or have conditions like he can have it if he goes to counseling, or do I call the police to have them just talk to him? Trying to protect my kids as much as possible. Thanks for any advice.

Why does he feel your social media is a problem? That you give all your attention to your phone or he doesn’t like who you speak to? Does he feel ignored? Do you feel like he has some valid concerns?

Do you suspect he is unfaithful? It may be that he is trying to deflect his consuming porn use by insinuating your time on social media is as destructive.

Did you go through it? Look for chat apps, his internet history, his deleted photos (it’s an album in iPhones, others you may have to Google)

He called you some names. What makes you feel there will be violence? Did he threaten you? I can not advise you whether you need to call police, because I do not know enough to say bit typically unless he is threatening you they will likely not do anything about him calling names. It may unnecessarily escalate the situation. Or it may be needed because you sense you are in danger. So that is a gut reaction you are going to need to listen to.

Years ago I was on social media more than I should have been when he was working very long hours and I was home with the kids so I was lonely and my family lives at a distance so it was a way to stay in touch with them. Now I am hardly on social media but do have to manage a social media account at work. I have offered to get rid of all social media except what I have to do for my job and he should get rid of the p$rn but then he drops the conversation. He even gets mad that my work texts are taking too long. I do get a lot of work texts but try to answer them quickly and he gets a lot of work texts too. He got mad when I researched about p$rn use and how it affects families and users and I think that’s why he doesn’t want me online. He hasn’t threatened my safety but got super mad and grabbed my arm today and said he should take me with him to work (he has a business) so I wouldn’t have time to be on my phone. I want us both to have phone transparency but he doesn’t want that.

I'm very concerned about abuse.

Taking your phone for a day and altering it, especially when you may use it for work, is a type of abuse, IMO.

Taking his phone is provocative.

Grabbing you by the arm while angry is abusive.

Escalating anger may be abusive.

Escalating demands to control you is abusive.

Are there any DV resources near you?

Thanks to you both for the replies and the concern. I was getting worried as he never used to act this way. Looking into local resources and I am reaching out to my counselor. I will check in later. Thanks again

I, too, am concerned about the abuse and the crossing of lines in your relationship. His temper seems unchecked. I second the question on whether you have DV resources in your area. Your safety needs to be the priority. Also happy to hear you’re talking to a counselor. Definitely continue to have that as a guide and support as you journey through this.

I agree with Sisoon and others, this is a situation where it could develop into DV. In working with case histories of DV offenders I saw first-hand there is a typical and cyclical pattern to it: they start out with verbal abuse, then grabbing or shoving, and at that stage, it is close to becoming a red flag for more severe abuse, usually followed by contrition and a "honeymoon phase" before the cycle starts again, I'm sorry to tell you. (A counselor I worked for was in charge of a program for offenders ordered by the Court to attend anger management and she had to report back to the judge if they completed the program as part of their probation. Because a certain percentage dropped out and often they ended up committing further offenses.)

So yes, it's a difficult situation before anything outright happens that the police could help with, but please take some steps NOW to have a plan.

The other aspect that is worrisome is his attempting to control you one way or the other. It's a volatile combination.

I'm sorry. This situation sounds awful. I was also immediately concerned of DV and control/abuse issues, especially you feeling trapped in the house and without communication.

One thing I'm sure you know intellectually, but maybe have not fully embraced, is that you can not force your WH to do anything. You can not stop him from watching porn if he wants to or using his phone in any way he desires. No amount of studies or counseling will make him change his mind.

You can only be clear with yourself and your WH what you will tolerate and what you will do otherwise. Taking his phone in that case and giving it back when he agrees to your demands is foolhardy. Like I said, I'm sure you know this. You need to live it.

I really appreciate everyone’s concerns and advice. I am worried- this is new territory for me. My counselor agrees and I have taken measures to protect myself and my kids. I talked to my H today about how I am concerned for him and want him to get some help to feel better and be at his best. Thanks again for taking the time to read this and respond. It means a lot!