SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is a continuance of this thread; https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/665472/white-lie-rant-me-again/

We are taking 2 weeks to focus on ourselves vs. each other. Tomorrow is our check in. He was hoping it was just one week but I reminded him today our goal was two weeks. He acted dejected and became avoidant and brought up all the upcoming financial costs we have.

I've had a lot of feelings this last week and an acute awareness that I'm a characteristically ambivalent personality type. Not a surprise to those who have read any of my posts ;-)
Some thoughts are;
I can't take white lies, no matter how dumb. His eyes have come to represent deceit to me and trigger a protective response.
I don't like the tendencies towards saying things out of spite, or revenge, even if it's short-lived and I know it's out of fear. The energy of this feels childish and is a barrier to emotional safety for me.
The first 5 days I felt a huge sense of relief without the pressure of him pursuing me. The last couple of days I've daydreamed about wanting to hug him and feel comfort from him (not romantic intimacy). Then I'm quickly frustrated because when he hugs me I feel blocked.
Last couple of days I've thought about how much I'd miss his help, small acts of kindness and service.
I've felt frustrated at myself for not fully committing to give this a real try and leaning in.
Then I get confused, haven't I been trying? What is this barrier that won't allow me to lean in fully and take the risk of reconciliation.
I've also noticed I am his emotional barrometer and I need for him to develop his own.
I've been trying to do things I enjoy with my time and it's felt very nice to do so without pressure.

I'm going to update on this thread, even just to "say this out loud".

There's a lot of good info for you popping up from this experiment. I like it! I look forward to your updates.

As the saying goes, if nothing changes if nothing changes. So it’s good you are changing something and seeing how it feels.
Glad you are taking this time to focus on you, and I’m sorry he acted dejected and not as supportive as he could be.

Agree with sacred soul.

One suggestion: do not add judgment on your self or pressure your self to see things as like pros and cons or time to try to come to a decision. Instead, think of it as a meditation in noticing what comes up for you, how you feel, etc.I would actually try and take a break from analyzing any of it and rest in the cease fire. Just feel that burden lift. I think you have been so unhappy that it’s a constant stream of "what do I want?" The answer is you want peace you just aren’t sure how to accomplish it in this relationship. So try as much as possible to let go and let yourself feel some peace.

I know you are completely right the lying just speaks to his avoidance and it is unacceptable in order to really reconcile. Two weeks is a great goal but I doubt you will even be remotely decompressed by then and he obviously will not have made progress in that area in that amount of time. So rest and try not to over think, just notice things and jot down notes.

It’s natural to miss him, and he miss you because love is not always logical. But try and not attach judgment to any of it. Just notice, observe, and rest.

Thank you Sacredsoul and BarelyBreathing Great reminder HO! I did a great job the first 5 days of applying mindfulness to thoughts/feelings and being more self-led. I think we got into our regular weekday routines of chatting, watching tv, his comments and I got hooked into overthinking. I agree that 2 weeks is not going to be enough time to decompress.

I'm going to ask for monthly check-ins and offer "this" as what I can provide ongoingly for the foreseeable future. I desperately need to escape the "what do I want" and pursuing, focusing on improvements, etc. has not worked.

Just now he apologized for lashing out with the negative comments, he said it comes from a place of insecurity, he's "not sure why".

I am sure he isn’t sure why. But maybe he will hold that question. A lot of my work has been holding questions and seeing what comes up for me as well. And that emotional barometer thing has been the hardest one for me to overcome. I can still catch myself doing that. It’s so engrained and hard to train your brain to move on from that anxiety.

Update from our 1-week check-in conversation last night.
He said the week was challenging for him, he was nervous because I'm a "good poker player" and he never knows what I'm thinking. He said he is guessing it was a great week for me because I didn't have to feel obligated (he has a side of him that sees me so mean - I guess I was that way many years ago) it still rubs me the wrong way.
Anyway, I explained that it brought some peace due to no pressure trying to "figure things out". I said how we have been this week is what I can offer. I need no pursuing for more from me, no focusing on the "wall", blocks, barriers, etc. Just focusing on living and supporting one another in a companionship, non-romantic, familial, loving/caring way. He asked if I thought this time would allow me to reach more clarity. I explained that's not the goal anymore and I'm shifting focus away from clarity to being self-led. I explained that what I can offer is what I'm feeling aligned with and my body is being clear that it doesn't want pressure.
He received this information leaps and bounds better than he would have in the past. He did follow up by expressing his feelings of sadness (wanting someone who wants to want him, even just a hug or kiss) but he understands why I've gotten to this point. This brought up guilt but I managed to simply notice it and not lead with it. He explained what he struggles with is he isn't sure he wants a future with someone who he can't rely on more emotional guidance/direction. I said I could understand that and I can understand if this relationship no longer serves him at some point.
We left it at that for now. This typically creates a lot of guilt and anxiety for me and although I feel those things I'm trying to not lead with those emotions.

If you like woo-woo you might enjoy this. I took my dog for a walk in the woods after our conversation and thought "If I'm on the right path with this conversation show me deer today". I saw an entire family of deer shortly after. Now to be fair I see deer maybe 20% of the time on this trail so very well could be a coincidence but all to say I felt some confidence after that.

I do the woo woo questions too.

Great update! I hope he will use this space to take more accountability of himself.

I also like that you have come to the point of you are willing to lose the marriage if needed. I have never seen healing occur as fully or rapidly when you get to that point.

That is so great to hear HO...and honestly I kind of feel that shift

...he isn't sure he wants a future with someone who he can't rely on more emotional guidance/direction.

Did he really say those exact words that I bolded here? Yikes!!! Where I'm at, hearing that would tell me the relationship had run its course. That is someone crying out for a nurturing parent figure, not a peer-fellow adult! If he did actually say that, it would fit with the aspergers disorder. Like he is saying that is supposed to be your deal? That YOU will always be expected to pick up the missing bits he cannot detect - or chooses not to? And isn't that exactly what you have been unhappy about continuing to have to do?

Maybe he is just expressing sorrow for "the withdrawal from life supprt" he is feeling, now that you are working to balance your own needs without allowing that nurturing guilt thing to rule you? Great work! But he has so much work to do, I'm afraid.

Hang in there!

I explained that what I can offer is what I'm feeling aligned with and my body is being clear that it doesn't want pressure.

BAM! That's beautiful. I LOVE IT.

We left it at that for now. This typically creates a lot of guilt and anxiety for me and although I feel those things I'm trying to not lead with those emotions.

Good work! High five!

He explained what he struggles with is he isn't sure he wants a future with someone who he can't rely on [for] more emotional guidance/direction. I said I could understand that and I can understand if this relationship no longer serves him at some point.

Is there supposed to be a "for" in there, like he wants to rely on you to supply the emotions and he'll be reactive? I'm a little confused by this.

Superesse and SacredSoul Thank you for the encouragement!
I did not write that very clearly. Let me try again.
Basically, he has said many different ways that he needs/wants me to help him regulate his emotions, be the barometer for him, and rely on FOR emotional guidance/direction.

I know I don't need to explain this but it helps to write it out. I have functioned in this role are entire relationship. I do believe there is some minimal level of neurodivergence. This is why he was initially attracted to me, I provided this for him. I was like a gauge/regulator. I overfunctioned too much for too long. I have tried to step back but he just can't seem to do the middle so I have to completely stop. I like helping and nurturing people but I have to focus on myself now. This relationship will not work if he can't do this mostly by himself.
I realize this may be outside the scope of his abilities and that hurts (so bad/guilt/grief) but it's not working and hasn't for a long time so it's not good for either of us to stay in this space.

That makes perfect sense. I'm glad you're prioritizing yourself, even though it's difficult. I think you'll likely experience a lot of growth from this exercise, and gain a boatload of clarity.