SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all this is just a vent on how I'm feeling right now. It has been a year since I found out about my WH affair. I have been thinking about divorcing him but what is stopping me is financial reasons and our children. I honestly don't know how I feel about him anymore and I know he's trying to change and become better but I feel like appreciate what he has done but I don't know if it fixes anything anymore. I thought about going back to therapy to help me making it through. Everything that has happened last year regarding his affair I can't stop thinking about it.

You’ve been heard. Vent away.

And remember,, you can pull the plug on R at any time.

Have you done a deep dive on the finances to see what the actual situation will look like? It may not be as bad as you think.

Take care of yourself, applepie.

Yup, I hear you too and could have written your post. I’m still trying to figure it out as well. I’m working on figuring out what I need from him and what he needs to do to help us heal for a successful R. I’m writing him a letter of what I’m going through. I’m considering going back to counseling and I’m hoping he will go to. He has always refused.

I too am not sure I love him anymore. I very much appreciate my alone time and am almost bummed when he comes home. It’s sad.

Start with therapy and if you aren’t already journaling, try it. It helps get everything off my chest. It’s interesting to read at times to see how I was feeling day to day.

Keep us posted!

Ugh. It’s so hard isn’t it?! Navigating through all of these ups and downs, hoping for the tiniest amount of clarity.

I’m a little further along in my journey (17 months out), and most "experts" claim year 2 is the worst and I believe that to be true. This new reality of ours sure does suck, and while I think it is completely natural to wallow a bit, it’s important to find those small joys again.

There is absolutely no shame in staying right now, even if it’s solely for financial reasons or for the sake of the kids - lots of people stay for those exact reasons. Maybe over the course of the next 6 months you might add another reason to your list for staying (or maybe eliminate one).

Everyone has their own individual path and timeline - there is no rush in coming to a definitive decision until you’re ready.

Therapy could definitely be a great outlet to help you through your uncertainty.

Sorry guys I don't know how to reply to each of your posts. I have looked into my finances and we got alot of debt to pay off like credit cards and student loans and other bills. I have looked into a lawyer but couldn't find one that can do some kind of payment plan. I hope things do get better over time.

Do you have a domestic violence or women's shelter? They may be able to help you with some names.

Start looking at your county's website. Our county had a lot of information under the family court section. It may be able to get you started.

Whether your marriage survives or not, you need to start in a financial plan.

Start paying down your debt as best you can. This way IF you one day decide that you are going to end the marriage, you are starting off on a better financial path.

Since my H’s affair 12 years ago and his plan to D me, we have no debt. Credit cards are paid in full every month. No loans. No excessive spending etc.

Review your Will.

Review the beneficiaries on your retirement accounts, life insurance etc.

Have a vehicle in your name. Just in case.

Cancel joint credit cards are paid accounts and get cards in your individual names. Why? In case you D and he decides not to pay the credit card bills, only his credit will be affected. Not yours.

Having a solid financial plan helps me sleep at night.

Sweet

My advice to you remains more-or-less the same: Through information and education you gain power.
Your comment about finances and divorce. Have you really gone through the calculations? Have you asked about the process in your area? Have you been given a rough picture of what is needed and what to expect? You can get this info from an attorney, but also online and even through a domestic abuse helpline.

Guessing that with a 7 year marriage and 2 young kids he’s the (main) breadwinner. Well... the process takes that into account. Part of the process is deciding how the legal cost of divorce is paid (ensuring your attorney get’s his eventually), how he might have to pay spousal support and how child support is calculated.
Is all the debt marital or is some of it individual? Like student loans remain with the one that took them. Credit cards vary – some are joint and others are individual. What HIS debt might be after a divorce is not really your concern.

Please – I’m not suggesting you go and file, but I am strongly telling you that you have this option, and should know what it looks like.
When you have options... you tend to work harder towards the solution you want. But you also are able to apply more pressure. Your husband showed you extreme disrespect (I called it abuse) by refusing to end his affair, moving in with OW for a couple of months and then coming back as if nothing had happened. It’s going to take some work to change his attitude and values.
As-is he feels he can treat you like he did during the affair – once he realizes that YOU have options, and that those options turn his present marital obligations into monthly financial obligations... That might be when he starts taking this seriously.

This is so hard. I feel you. Year one to three were so tough. It takes a while for that heart to heal and to push those thoughts aside. No one knows what the future brings, but take baby steps to ensuring it can be better. Start paying down that debt a little at a time. Go back to counseling. It is okay to revisit it. I had to go back on and off over a two year span. Every time I did, it helped me view things differently. In the meantime, have the two of you done anything fun lately that keeps you busy and builds your relationship? Try a new hobby, get a babysitter, start an exercise program together. I will keep you in my prayers.

Studies show that arranged marriages are just as successful as "romantic" ones.

Those people choose love.

You can, too.