SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone,

Need some advice please. How did you all stop obsessing, is therapy the only answer? Are there good tips you have?

So I am currently living with my WS. I caught him out having a second affair a few weeks ago and so its over now however we can't split up yet as my DD is about to sit exams and I just cant tell her right now. She feels things very deeply and it will devastate her and I'll be damned if I let him ruin her life too with failing her exams. So.... I am trying very hard to hold it together for the next three months. I'm really struggling.

To say I am disgusted with him and feel he has just thrown all the work I tried to do in my face is an understatement. It's the same AP as before (over 4 years last time and ended 7 years ago). I think it did end the first time but tbh I don't know how long its been going on this time. He admitted to one month, then 6 now 9 months. Drip feeding as and when he feels he can't get out of it. I suspect its longer. He is a pathological liar and I see that now and I deeply regret staying the first time but what's done is done.

The thing is, I have a really important report I have to write for work in the next two weeks and I cannot concentrate. All I do is obsess over what he is doing. I know he is still seeing her and so every time he says he's doing X I don't believe him and know (or assume) he is doing Y. Every time he's sat on the sofa texting I assume its her. He's never where he says he is. I feel like I am going insane and having him here is so bad for my mental health. I can't seem to think of anything else, just round and round in my head.

He has moved into another room and I try and speak to him as little as possible while still trying to keep things a bit normal in front of my DD but our house is very small. I fear I am not doing a good job. I keep telling myself to sod him and that he doesn't deserve me even thinking about him any more and I need to think about me and the kids and the bloody report but it's easier said than done. I despise him for taking so many years of my life just to end up here in my 50s and the resentment is really eating away at me, made worse by him trying to make small talk and jokes as though nothing has happened. Its also just re-raised all the trauma from last time. Its like PTSD and as though it happened yesterday. Its not healthy but I don't know how to snap myself out of it. Do I need therapy? Can't really afford it. Can't actually afford to split up either and need to look for a new job asap. Everything is a mess. He also says he is feeling dark thoughts (which is one reason I let him stay the first time). I have no idea if he's manipulating me. He does have depression but I don't know really to what degree with the way he lies to me. I know I need to put me first now. I just can't seem to get passed it all in my head. Any advice welcome!

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you're here. Have you been to the JFO (Just Found Out) forum? There are some pinned posts that we recommend to newly BSs (betrayed spouses) there. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great information.

As for IC (individual counseling), it can be very beneficial. Betrayal trauma is horrible, and you will need to heal from this. There are members who have PTSD or C-PTSD from what their partners have done to them. (I had PTSD.) This really is no joke.

The obsessing is the effect of trauma on your brain. The sad thing is, your brain doesn't know the difference between a lion chasing you down to eat you and your intimate partner betraying you. Give yourself a lot of grace and practice self-care at this time.

For me, I wasn't able to concentrate for more than 15-30 minutes for close to 2 years. What helped me was doing mindfulness exercises and learning meditation. The meditation exercises helped me to realize when my thoughts were spiraling, do some breathing and bring my focus back to where I needed.

You have every right to not believe what he's doing or saying. He hasn't built trust and doesn't seem remorseful. If you can, treat him like a very bad flat mate and you're waiting for the end of the lease to get out.

Your daughter probably suspects that something is wrong, and may think she's the problem. Kids are smarter and pick up on things and we don't give credit to them for doing so.

Go see a barister (or several) to get an idea of what divorce will look like in your scenario. This will give you knowledge, and knowledge is power.

On his dark thoughts...well, that's his responsibility. If he does anything to act on those thoughts, call the authorities. They're equipped to handle those situations. It isn't your responsibility. I mean, think about it. What can you do? Not much. It may be a manipulation tactic that he's using to control you, or it can be that he really needs professional help. Figuring out which one it is? That isn't your responsibility.

Again, I'm so sorry that you're here.

I know exactly how it feels to have a big writing project coming due and finding myself drifting back to my wife’s affair. Nothing worked very well for me, but I was able to get through it by physical exercise first and then just flat making myself get into the writing. In my case it was a Supreme Court brief. I did find that I could get lost in the work for an hour or so which was a welcome reprieve from the invasive thoughts.

Have you considered telling your supervisor about what you are going through? I did not, even though he would have been compassionate. I was so humiliated that I kept my trauma to myself. Can’t recommend that tactic. Could your supervisor assign you an assistant for this project? Working as a team might keep you focused. Can you get an extension? Is there anyone you can lean on, a good friend, a sibling, a parent? Just telling your story may help you stop obsessing long enough to get the project done.

If you haven’t seen a solicitor yet, you really need to do that. But first make good progress on that report. Be like the little engine that could. Tell yourself, "I think I can, I think I can." And you will. Please know that you are not inadequate nor crazy. You are normal. And you are not alone.

I did the playing nice thing for a year because my daughter was having serious mental health issues and her doctors didn’t think we should tell the kids at that time. I was also still hoping for R at that point. Anyway, it’s living hell and I’m sorry you’re having to do that.

Now, get your bitch boots out of the back of the closet and pull them on tight. Get mad. Write that report. Get your daughter through her exams. Get your financial records together. Then file for your D! Screw him. It no longer matters where he is or what he’s doing.

Keep at this thought process until you believe it.

Don’t give him another ounce of your mental or emotional energy until after the report is done and your daughter’s exams are over. Then you can have a come-apart if you need to, but right now, BOOTS.

You’ve got this.

This is when you see a dr about temporary meds for anxiety. It should help you to get your job done on time. Wiggle your schedule a little so that when he is home you aren’t and vice versa. You won’t see him texting, hear him talking, because you won’t be around him. While your daughter is there be polite. If you can use the library for your project then take your laptop and work from there. The best thing you can do for your mental health is stay as far away as you can. The faster you can stop seeing him on a daily basis the better. You will probably find you are much more content when no longer living in the same house. And don’t pain shop. Once he is gone let go. And good luck.

Dear sadbutmovinon, we're on the same boat. Since December I found a new A from WH. I have been looking for a place to live, as, to be honest, he paid most of the house. I haven't found a place so I will have to build my own house.
I understand your obsessing. So many questions come to mind. However, I try to remind myself, it's none of my business anymore. I keep reminding myself not to negotiate, ask, or even communicate with him. As you said, not so easy to follow through all the time.
Please keep posting, it's not the same as therapy but it does help. This place was very supportive the first time I faced his As, it will help you too.