How to stop obsessing, living in same house

Hi everyone,

Need some advice please. How did you all stop obsessing, is therapy the only answer? Are there good tips you have?

So I am currently living with my WS. I caught him out having a second affair a few weeks ago and so its over now however we can't split up yet as my DD is about to sit exams and I just cant tell her right now. She feels things very deeply and it will devastate her and I'll be damned if I let him ruin her life too with failing her exams. So.... I am trying very hard to hold it together for the next three months. I'm really struggling.

To say I am disgusted with him and feel he has just thrown all the work I tried to do in my face is an understatement. It's the same AP as before (over 4 years last time and ended 7 years ago). I think it did end the first time but tbh I don't know how long its been going on this time. He admitted to one month, then 6 now 9 months. Drip feeding as and when he feels he can't get out of it. I suspect its longer. He is a pathological liar and I see that now and I deeply regret staying the first time but what's done is done.

The thing is, I have a really important report I have to write for work in the next two weeks and I cannot concentrate. All I do is obsess over what he is doing. I know he is still seeing her and so every time he says he's doing X I don't believe him and know (or assume) he is doing Y. Every time he's sat on the sofa texting I assume its her. He's never where he says he is. I feel like I am going insane and having him here is so bad for my mental health. I can't seem to think of anything else, just round and round in my head.

He has moved into another room and I try and speak to him as little as possible while still trying to keep things a bit normal in front of my DD but our house is very small. I fear I am not doing a good job. I keep telling myself to sod him and that he doesn't deserve me even thinking about him any more and I need to think about me and the kids and the bloody report but it's easier said than done. I despise him for taking so many years of my life just to end up here in my 50s and the resentment is really eating away at me, made worse by him trying to make small talk and jokes as though nothing has happened. Its also just re-raised all the trauma from last time. Its like PTSD and as though it happened yesterday. Its not healthy but I don't know how to snap myself out of it. Do I need therapy? Can't really afford it. Can't actually afford to split up either and need to look for a new job asap. Everything is a mess. He also says he is feeling dark thoughts (which is one reason I let him stay the first time). I have no idea if he's manipulating me. He does have depression but I don't know really to what degree with the way he lies to me. I know I need to put me first now. I just can't seem to get passed it all in my head. Any advice welcome!

5 comments posted: Friday, March 14th, 2025