SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It will be a year in April that I discovered his 18 month affair. I saw a strange text from a coworker the night before and something told me to check his phone early the next morning. At 5:30am he texted CW2CU. I exploded but controlled myself enough not to wake my 4 children. He swore they were just good friends. That they spent a lot of time talking and going for walks at school. Yes, both teachers. I was relentless to pull the truth. I pulled the phone records. They spoke on the phone for hours everyday. Driving to and from work, when everyone was sleeping, wherever they had time. She too is married with kids and in a bad marriage. I never saw any signs of anything. We've been married for 24 years. Best friends. Do everything together. Our relationship suffered a fracture 2 years ago while dealing with different issues with our children. Instead of working together we fell apart. I'm a doer and threw myself into supporting them and he hid. Then started to drink heavily. I came to find out he was drinking daily and this got worse when he began his affair. How could I not know? Well if your child was suffering enough, you'd understand that nothing else mattered and I had serious blinders on. Turns out he and his AP would take days off from school to be together. I had no idea. It's not like he wasn't coming home at night. Her marriage was on the rocks. Her husband was cheating on her and she would cry to my H. They bonded over this and he vented about the issues that we had. My husband is a good man and she saw how vulnerable he was on dove in. He was hurting and unclear from all the drinking and made a life altering choice. He said it wasn't real. But it made his pain go away.

About a week after D day he broke down and told me everything. That day he called her in private on speaker and recorded the conversation for me. He poured his emotions out and told her it was his biggest regret and mistake in life, that he is an alcoholic, and that he'd spend the rest of his life making it up to me. He told her that he told me everything and that they can no longer communicate. He said that I was willing to bury it and save our family and protect my children. She was speechless. It was on her birthday.

Part of me is grateful because his drinking was out of control and driving my children around. If this continued it could be catastrophic. Now I'm the one dealing with the pain and grief.,He told me every dirty detail and quit drinking completely. I mean every detail. Careful what you wish for. He's doing everything in his power to save our marriage. I just don't know if I'll ever get passed it. I have good days and really bad days. I want to confront her but know it's a bad idea. I didn't expose her and the only people that know are the 3 of us and our MC. I chose not to expose the truth to protect my 4 children. It just makes me so angry that she doesn't have to suffer the way I do. Please help me stay strong in this unbearable time. I've lost a year of my life and don't want to lose anymore.

Welcome to SI and so very sorry you're here. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that are great resources. There are some that aren't pinned but have bull's eye icons that are good resources, too. The Healing Library is at the top of the page and has a lot of resources, too.

Are you in IC (individual counseling) just for you to help you deal with your trauma? My second IC was a betrayal trauma specialist and the work we did was very helpful in working through the pain and trauma. Plus, your M (marriage) didn't cheat - your WH (wayward husband) did. Also, have you both had STD/STI testing done? There are some nasty diseases out there that can turn into cancer.

Two books that are generally recommended are How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a nice blueprint your WH can follow to help you heal. Unfortunately, healing takes YEARS. It's a marathon and not a sprint. Be gracious and remember that this is going to take time and healing. The second book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass, which may be good for the two of you to read together. I really liked the chapter about windows & walls, which is an analogy to help describe boundaries between the marital relationship and those who aren't in the relationship.

Generally, it's a bad idea to confront the AP (affair partner). You can write a letter and burn it, if that helps. Did you tell the OBS (other betrayed spouse)? This isn't done for revenge or to blow up their family, it's to give the OBS their agency back. The OBS can then have more truth they can have to make informed decisions about their life.

biggest regret and mistake in life

A mistake is forgetting to grab your keys or to forget grabbing a gallon of milk at the grocery store. He made thousands of conscious decisions to cheat on you and then lie to your face.

It's possible that you aren't able to move beyond this, and that's ok. It's possible that you can work through it, and that's ok. It takes a lot of work to R (reconcile). Your WH needs to work on becoming a safe partner and may not be able to do the work to change. Watch his actions to see if they line up with change. It can be that the A is a deal-breaker for you. You'll still need to do the work to heal and process the trauma. It hurts and it sucks.

We're here to help you get out of infidelity, whichever path you take.

Crushed,

So sorry you are still hurting.

What is your WS doing to become a safe partner? Is he in IC figuring out why he betrayed you and your 4 kids?
Did he switch schools so he is not working with the AP? Is he still supporting you when you trigger or when you need to ask questions (even if you have asked them 100 times before)? Is he in AA or similar to address his addiction?

Also, I will caution you to stop believing she was the villain who overpowered your poor vulnerable husband. He willing entered the affair and willingly continued it. It was a series of THOUSANDS of choices. Not a single mistake. He needs to own this. We all have tough times and rough patches- but he chose to have an affair rather than address the issue. This is why it takes so long to recover, and why you may not feel able to relax yet. If he’s not digging really deep to find out how and why he did this, how can you feel safe if you have tough times ahead ? (And we know life throws us those rough patches…). And maybe he is a good man, but he also endangered your life and the life of his children’s mom having sex with another woman. He also gave her time, attention and money that were supposed to be for your family. Not so good…so he’s very human and has both good and bad. Don’t keep him on a pedestal - if R is to be successful, it should be with the person he actually is. And you should not "bury" this. That is not how to get through it.

What are you doing to help yourself heal? Are you in IC? Have you set up a Plan B just in case your R is not successful? Many find that provides some comfort, even when solidly in R. Are you taking care of yourself physically and emotionally?

This does take years, so that you are still having trouble at 1 year is not surprising. Some describe year 2 as the Plain of Lethal Flatness POLF) because the shock has worn off and you spend year 2 coming to terms that it all really happened and your WS really is that person. Maybe that is what you are feeling.

Hang in there, and make sure you are not rug sweeping.

Thank you for your supporting words. We are both in IC and MC. We've been tested and all clean. He put in for a transfer but it's not his decision. Fortunately, it's a very large school and they are on opposite sides of it. Im not putting him on a pedestal, he destroyed me and my trust. I've just seen an extraordinary change in him over the year. He's sober 340 days. I've put time into myself but sometimes i think it just doesn't matter. I have not disclosed anything to her H. But I think he knows and doesn't care. He's a cheater himself. We spend all of our free time together. I have full access to his phone and social media. He calls and texts me all day reminding me how much he loves me. I'm trying. He's trying. I have no idea what the future holds. I also had no idea how common this nightmare truly is. I have lost my mother and sibling very young. I've been in hell before. I'm back. And say, the grief is worse than death.

Hi, Crushed, what you are feeling is very normal. The consensus here is it takes 2-5 years to heal, some like myself on a longer path.

I agree with BearlyBreathing, year 2 seems to be worse for many betrayed as the shock of the betrayal begins to wear off and the reality of what they did sinks in. You examine how it has changed you, your marriage, his job, your family dynamics or a host of other things depending on the situation. You ask yourself repeatedly how can your spouse do this to us? How did this become my life bc the person who should have had my back stabbed it repeatedly.

It sounds as though your husband is doing everything right, sometimes it's just not good enough, most times you have to give it TIME to figure it all out. A good counselor will help you navigate through your emotions.

I don't think any answer will every satisfy our need to know.

In my personal situation the OW was also a co-worker (thankfully worked on the opposite coast) and was the aggressor slowly manipulating herself into my WH life. My husband had every opportunity to walk away, but he chose daily not to. Most affairs don't happen in a vacuum, it's a series of choices made by the wayward that lead them down the path of destruction.

Please check out the Healing Library, some excellent articles.

In the grand scheme of things, a year isn’t very far into this shitshow when your whole world has been blown apart.

It sounds like you are taking steps to heal. Don’t rush yourself. Don’t tell yourself you should be over it if you aren’t ready to be over it. Reconciliation is a gift to your WH, and just because you want to give it doesn’t mean you can. Just don’t have a set expectation of how this whole thing has to go. Heal and you will go where you are supposed to.

My ex and I were also together 24 years. I feel you. It rocks you to your core.

Hang in there. It WILL get better.

I’m sorry you are here at SI but you will get great support.

I understand the pain and anxiety you feel because they still work together. It might be that may not change until he moves to a different location.

Year 2 of Reconciliation was tougher than year 1. However if your H is still doing everything possible to make amends and he remains committed to sobriety, those are two very good signs.

I’m sorry your marriage was impacted by situations with your children. You chose to address it and he chose to run from it. It’s not uncommon in marriages for this to happen. I had a similar situation and like you, my approach was to face it. My H’s approach was to ignore it. He refused to allow me to get help for our child.

The breaking point came and I decided that we need help - our kid needs help — and if he divorces me for getting help then that is what happens. I believe that is where the problem for us began. My H turned to OW to boost his ego because I stood up to him.

In any event, the hardest part (I believe) is acceptance. Acceptance of the affair, acceptance that the person you loved and trusted the most would lie and cheat AND that you now have to accept the cheater is truly sorry and trying to repair the damage.

Infidelity is a trauma. And it takes a long time to heal from the trauma. It is very difficult to heal yourself— because the cheater can only do so much. The rest is up to you.

Every day I had to remind myself he’s not that same cheating jerk he was.

And every day I had to remind myself that if I wallow or feel sad or angry, the affair wins and I don’t. My goal was to restore my happiness as best I could.

It took until year 3 of R before I finally started to see my old self. I stopped analyzing everything he said or did. I started feeling more confident about myself.

And I learned to put myself first. Not him. Not the marriage.

Hey, I'm sorry you are here. I remember the utter feeling of devastation at the beginning. I chose to D, so take my perspective as just that, my perspective.

From your post, i get the sense that you are desperately trying to see your WH as the victim of some preditory AP. I did the same thing early on. My WS took the position that she had been seduced by her AP while she was in a very vilnerable position. This allowed her to see the A as something that happened to her rather than something she actively participated in. By taking this position with her, I could continue to compartmentalize her A while still holding onto the fantasy that my WW was a good person at her core. The only problem is that my own subconscious was trying to set me straight.

I recommend reading Cheating in a Nutshell. The authors' position is that the best course of action after infidelity is for the BS to end the M. While I agree with this as a default position, there is much more to the text. They take an evolutionary psychology approach to infidelity and its effects on the BS. They do an excellent job of explaining how and why your brain and body are doing what they are doing and thus put you in a position of at least some control.

When I read the book, in one or two days, I was blown away. It was like they were speaking to me, understanding me. It made me feel like I wasn't crazy for feeling the way I did. And most importantly, it validated my pain and suffering as real. I wasn't wrong to struggle.

The IC and MC is good, but you need to put yourself first. You need to decide what is right for you.

One last caveat. While some argue thatvthe text is anecdotal, this is not the case. It is a combination of years of letters from those seeking advice and many scientific studies. No, it is not a peer-reviewed pare, but it is not meant to be. Read it and apply what works for you in your given situation.