SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Last week I retained an attorney to proceed with a divorce after 10 months of IHS. He must have suspected this as he came to me inquiring before I was ready to tell him. After only 2 days of this knowledge, he has come to me asking me to stop all of it. I had put together beforehand a list of terms should we come to this conversation - and I am surprised that he has agreed to all my terms. I have been emotionally ready to risk all and divorce and have been looking at life afterwards. In these few hours since his request, I have decided to proceed with divorce - for now to know if he will really comply and get through my terms. His reaction is a sudden change that I wasn't expecting. To be in limbo for so long, then IHS, then - I don't understand.

He was ready to do the bare minimum until you moved forward. Now all of a sudden he "doesn’t want a D" but yet he had months to show you that and it sounds like nothing changed and status quo was IHS for as long as you tolerated it

His actions may give you new hope however I suggest that you don’t drop the D proceedings. His actions may only be temporary and may not be enough to change your mind.

I can tell you my H believed up until dday2 he was calling the shots and I would never leave him. He was blindsided when he realized I was moving away from his drama and getting out of limbo. Somehow he managed to show me we still had a chance to reconcile in the first 30 days after dday2.

But actions were the only thing that made any impact.

I hope this helps you.

Agree with 1stWife.

Let the process run. It usually takes a long time before anything is "final."

If you quit now, the message will be that you want him.

The message needs to be, that he wants you.

Let him do the "pick me" dance for awhile. Let him think long and hard about how to get you back.

Pay no attention to his words. He’s a liar. He lied to his AP to get what he wanted from her; he’ll lie to you to get what he wants from you.

If he is really going to make lasting changes, he'll continue to do so regardless of whether you proceed with the divorce. Move forward with the divorce. Watch his actions. You van either pull the paperwork before the divorce is finalized if he shows consistent actions towards making changes, or you can proceed with the divorce and still watch his actions. After divorce, you can still always reconcile later. Most changes can take a long time. Most that try to reconcile end up with a partner that cheats again. So, make sure he is making real changes.

Filed for D today. WS hasn't even looked at my list of items that I gave him when I told him that I need this to feel safe. So I shredded it. He has spent very little time with me and found himself an attorney. He seems relieved and is out tonight. I am alone again, so not scared of being alone as I have felt alone for a very long time. Seems he is more scared of ending up with nothing than losing me forever. Today he told me that we don't need to talk to each other at all now - the attorneys will handle it.

[This message edited by icangetpastthis at 4:29 AM, Thursday, March 6th]

I'm glad you're not feeling lonely. Feel the feels so process through it.

My d day was traumatic as it brought back repressed memories from decades ago. This involves my WS's DNA test on a genealogy website. I don't remember the exact date because I deleted my WS DNA test that day, that showed him as 'PARENT' to a close match (I will refer to this person as 'CM' for close match). Once my WS DNA test was deleted - all info about the test was gone. Like this site - anonymous user names. I remember it all so clearly and can still 'see' it - 'PARENT'. WTF. I looked at it for the longest time, CM has a photo posted and sort of looks like my WS. CM has their birthday right there as well and I count back nine months. Trying to remember what was happening to us then. OMG. I tried to shut it off, but couldn't, so I deleted my WS DNA test. The only option it seemed that I had in that moment to make it stop. It was my immediate reaction to my real life nightmare. Then I ran to my car in our dark garage and sobbed and sobbed. When I confronted my WS later (he wasn't home when I saw the test results). So bizarre. WS was standing across the room when I asked my question. (Probably was, 'Did you f*** another woman when I was pregnant?' Or, something like that. I RARELY use the f*** word). WS suddenly moved like I had just struck him physically. But, I was sitting across the room from him. Watching him. He didn't even have to say anything - the answer was all right there. He turned red then looked really pale - and, sat down on the very edge of the chair. So far leaning forward in my direction on the chair that I wondered why he didn't fall on the floor. I felt myself backing up even though I wasn't moving - as he started to talk. His lips were moving - NO, I'm thinking. STOP don't say it. Please. But, it's too late - the truth is already there - here. That day all these memories came to me from decades ago. It triggered memories of all of it - all coming back to me. All at once. The way he was, the way that he treated me, the things he said, the way he looked. The (now I know) lies that he told me. All lies that I believed then until d day. I felt then, all those years ago, that I had to forget it all when he quit doing those drugs, to see if we could be happy again. I didn't know for sure if he cheated, but I did ask him then. He lied.

Today he told me that we don't need to talk to each other at all now - the attorneys will handle it.

I guess he’s decided it’s easier to D than to try to do a few things that put the marriage first.

I think it’s better you now know who & what he really is.

It’s a blessing in disguise when they reinforce what their true colors are. Even though it hurts.

(Hugs)

Stay the course. I too realized that I had been really lonely in my M. Once we D’d, it was more that I was just alone, not as lonely. Lonely in a partnership is way worse than alone.

WS talked to a several people this last week about us (he briefly mentioned this and I knew he had some lengthy phone calls, which I made sure that I could not overhear). Hours discussing his options and how he feels. Though he didn't take any time attempting to discuss it with me. I have kept to myself, and avoid him, which isn't hard for me to do when I think about some of the things that he has said to me over the last months. So hard to believe that this is us.

WS has made NO attempts to save our marriage. The days of IHS are awkward. It looks like 180 from my view, but it isn't an act for me, I really feel this way as 180 has been described. I hardly speak to him or even look at him.

IHS sucks. It really sucks, it really, really sucks. (Singing from The Waterboy movie).

I treated my XWH as a really bad roommate and spent my time mostly at my work desk, my bedroom or bathroom. Coordinated meals and discussed bills.

I thought I did well, until I went back and reviewed text messages. I engaged when I shouldn't have one some topics. The 180 can be tough to implement, so give yourself grace.

(((icangetpastthis))) hang in there you are doing great. IHS does suck I did it for almost a year and it almost ended me in the mental hospital for a 3rd time (other 2 times were because of xWS too). I also became well versed at the 180 because that's how I really felt. I couldn't stand my xWS so it made it easy.

Just keep going one foot in front of the other. Is there a move out date for either one of you? That's when the real peace of mind begins. You are going to feel a HUGE weight lifted off of you when that happens. It's not easy going through D but the rewards at the end of it are worth it. To have yourself back with no more bulls*it is priceless. You will start thriving once you've grieved the M. I never grieved my xWS but did with the breaking up the family.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:47 PM, Thursday, March 13th]

This is how I get through my days, leafields, in my room, to myself, stay out of his way. I try not to get in any conversations with him. The last couple days he has tried to be nicer and has even sat in the same room and started conversation (small talk that I will not engage in). When I think about some of the things that he has said and done, it just feels like he wasn't and isn't in love with me. He recently even said this to me. You can't argue or negotiate or get through therapy with this. He is not all in. I'm not going to plead or beg him to get there.

Crazyblindedsided - My one year is coming up soon. Everyday my WS only gives me reason to proceed with D. Subtle things and confirmation that he just wants his share of our marital assets and to move on. No efforts of any kind to R. So, I am shocked after 48 years of marriage, children, and 50 years of being in love with this person,that this is what I'm seeing and living everyday right now. It is traumatizing, and yet, I've only told my therapist about this and all of you here. How can this be real?

It is tough, ICGPT. Have you watched the movie Truman's World with Jim Carey? I thought it was awful to treat a human like that. Shortly after dday1, I felt similar to Truman. So much of my M had been a lie. So, I reprocessed memories. When we did a activity (camping, holidays, Disney), what are my memories? If I take dealing with XWH out, does that change of I was mad, sad, glad? One thing I realized is that if I didn't have to deal with XWH'S behavior, our family probably would have had a better time.

Yes, it is real. Time and healing don't happen overnight, so hang in there.

Hugs to you Icantgetpastthis. I know how surreal it all feels, my divorce will be final next week and I still can't understand who I was married to for 26 years.

But I did find huge relief once I was no longer living with him. It was a lonely marriage, and I normalized a lack of intimacy that I am just now coming to terms with, 8 months post DDay.

It will be okay.

Thanks leafields (and gray54).

In case I don't see you . . .
Good afternoon, good evening, and good night.

Just gave me an idea for a new post.