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My husband of 9 years (at the time - June 2022) cheated on me with his coworker and left me and our 2 young daughters who were 3 and 8 years old. It’s been 2 1/2 years since then. It was a traumatic experience. I’m hurt and appalled at the capability of the person I trusted with my life. I was in a state of shock and denial for the first year. I pathetically begged for him to stop what he was doing and to come back to us, but he said he was unsure of what he wanted and wasn’t able to make a decision. After a year of his uncertainty, I decided I was done waiting around and filed for child support and temporary spousal to be able to leave. So much happened in that first year. He cleared out our joint account since I stopped working a few months prior to him leaving and it was just his income being direct deposited into our account. He told me I would have to ask him for what I needed and he’d see if he could "swing" it. He left me with no car. We also rented and he stopped paying the rent which then put me in panic mode. I notified the landlords right away of what was going on. Thankfully they were understanding, but rightfully wanted their money. It was the push that led me to file for child and temporary spousal support to have control over some of the money to pay the bills. I wound up having to move from our rental home since my support didn’t cover the rental expense. It was a nightmare. And it was all my nightmare to "figure out". Thank God I had my pension that I cashed out. It wasn’t much, but it allowed me to get myself a used car and pay the remainder of the rent and come up with a security deposit on a place that cost less money a month. I’m now living in a one bedroom with my daughters in a place of squaller because it’s all I can afford.

I just started working again now that our youngest daughter is 5 and school aged so I’m saving the money I’m making for the actual divorce portion (that’s right, we’re STILL married legally). He never divorced me, just left out and went on to be with other people. I will need a lawyer to determine the alimony portion that will be permanent, among other things like a parenting agreement, where I’m able to relocate once I get better on my feet, etc. I can already foresee him making it hard for me to move back to the city where we were living when he left us (he already told our 10 year old that’s not happening when she told him we’ll be moving back "home" in a couple years) since he decided to shack up with his girlfriend 2 hours away, so he will fight for me to have to live closer to him if I ever do move.

I’m not sure when his relationship ended with the coworker I caught him having the affair with (she’s never been around my kids) but last month he informed me that he will be moving in with his new girlfriend which is the other female coworker on his team. I used to always see pictures of him sandwiched between the two at company dinners and events. They all know about me. They know who his wife and kids are. Again, didn’t think my husband was capable of not just screwing with one coworker, but now the other one. He would always call them his "work family" and tell me all things about his workday. I even felt like I worked there because of how invested he was in his job and how much he talked about it when he came home. The whole thing is just so bizarre and perplexing to me. When my girls told me the name of the woman they were with one weekend he had them, my head spun. That was how I found out. I asked him about it and he ignored me, but kept bringing her around our girls each time he had them. I asked again, I’d get ignored again. I eventually went outside one evening he was dropping our daughters off and said, she’s okay with the fact that you were with the other one and that you’re STILL married to me and never divorced me? He said no, she’s not happy about me still being married to you, but I’ll start working on it now. I still feel a sense of devastation, but disgust at the same time and STILL. He has already moved in with the coworker (she’s 8 years younger than him, but has her own home) and my daughters are already staying at her house. My daughters like going there because they get their own room, not a shared room with Mommy. "It’s big and nice and there’s room to run around and play." I know it’s completely out of my control and something I have to just deal with. Makes me sick to my stomach, but nothing I can do about it.

So all this to say - how do I completely shift my emotions to feel happy for my soon to be ex husband and his girlfriend? How do I just truly feel joy for them and wish them the best so when my girls come home each weekend and tell me about all the things they do as a "family" - outings, game nights, they make pasta together, even all go grocery shopping together, I can just feel happy that despite my husband walking away from me and our girls, he’s at least happy now in his new relationship..and from what my daughters say, they’re enjoying it all too?

Just to say, currently as of today after all that’s been done, he doesn’t even see my face anymore. After all that’s transpired, I completely cut any contact with him. He tried in the beginning to make small talk with me or make a joke like all was normal and cool, but when he saw that I had a stone face reaction to him, he backed down. I kiss my girls goodbye right before they walk out the door and there’s really no need at all to talk about anything since they go with him every other weekend. He takes them at the same time/drops them off around same time so text messages are just basically - "I’m on my way to get them" or "I’m on my way to drop them off" and I’ll either give a "👍🏼" in response or nothing at all. Our daughter had a minor surgery a couple months ago. We were both in the same waiting room for her, but didn’t say a word, just remained silent - he sat across the room with his eyes closed like he was taking a nap, maybe he was, who knows. I was secretly dying inside wondering still how this is my reality. I thought my husband would have atleast asked me once during these past 2 years how I’m doing or WE’RE doing. How we’re adjusting or if we need anything. It’s clear when he picks the kids up I now live in the slums with our girls, but nope - nothing. To his credit, he did tell me a handful of times over text message that he was "sorry for this all." Guess maybe that counts for something.

[This message edited by Survivingnotliving at 2:33 AM, Friday, February 21st]

It's not your job to "completely shift my emotions to feel happy for my soon to be ex...?" This isn't even healthy. At most, the healthiest perspective is to just not give a fuck anymore. And that won't happen until you start to heal. True healing will begin when the divorce is finalized. Imagine wanting to be happy for somebody that stabbed/robbed/etc. you! Not healthy.

Right now, work on dissociating from him. You're still thinking of him as YOUR husband. While legally he is, he left a long time ago. He's not yours anymore and you shouldn't want him to be. I no longer have to deal with my ex. But when I did, I looked at him like he was just a disgusting cockroach, because he is. I don't hate him, but he's a shit human being.

You just have to accept that your children are happy to spend time with Dad and whomever he's sharing bodily fluids with at the time. That's a shit sandwich, but we love our kids, so we endure. Smile, ask how THEY are doing and try steer the conversation away from dad and side pieces when possible.

You SHOULD be angry, you should hurt from the betrayal. That's how healthy people that love themselves and have good self worth feel when stabbed in the back by a POS. Just slap on an indifference smile when around him. There will come a day when you laugh at how ridiculous he is, but that won't be for a while. I was about 2 years passed my divorce when I finally had zero fucks to give and he became dirt to me. But we all heal in our own time.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 8:39 AM, Friday, February 21st]

StillLiven makes a good point that I found to be true for me. I began to speak of exwh in the non possessive. In other words, as just someone I used to know. Not my anything. Aside potentially from the coparent of children.

"It was a traumatic experience. I’m hurt and appalled at the capability of the person I trusted with my life."

I am so sorry you are going through this. Many of us in this forum can relate. What exwh did stunned and shocked me.

Every situation is different. In my case it took me way too long to realize that my kind nature was not a strength for me in dealing with a person who was acting the way exwh was acting.

I can’t imagine what it is like to co-parent with such betrayal.

I can relate to wanting the father of any shared children (well, actually any children) to be doing well for the children’s sake. And to hope that they would do well by their children. Aside from that, it helps me to think of exwh the way I would some random person. In general I wish all people well. But I have no particular personal special interest in how that particular people is doing.

Go for neutral. Neutral you means you don’t have to feel one way or another about it.

I had to shift my thinking to seeing my NPDex as a stranger. Not being more aware of him than any of the other people in a crowded room that I don’t know.

He’s a stranger. You can be cordial and friendly to a stranger without being friends.

It’s early yet, in the grand scheme of things. Hang in there.

Nekorb - what is sounds like you’re describing here is indifference. Something I so long to get to. Why does it seem impossible viewing them as any old stranger you’d see on the street when that’s not what they ever were? I do hope that’s possible for me. Because this anguish I’m feeling is truly a poison that Im drinking expecting the "other person" to die. I’m the one dying of the pain here. He’s just off living his life and I’m no factor in the least — just a distant faded memory.

Surviving - it takes a lot of practice to get there. A LOT.

In some ways, you have to change the narrative about what happened. It’s no longer "I can’t believe he did this to our family. I can’t believe he didn’t care to fight for our marriage…" (or whatever you’re currently telling yourself) and start telling yourself, " Thank you, Lord for getting me away from that asshole! I’d still be there trapped in that unhealthy relationship if he hadn’t cheated!". Or whatever your version of the SPIN is.

There are positives to be seen here, I’m sure of it. Find them. Latch on to them. Ruminate on them. As you heal, you will let go and it WILL get better.

It will. I was a pathetic mess during my initial time here. My SI friends picked me up off the floor numerous times until I got my head right.

You will never move forward by wishing things were different. Just remember that.

You don’t need to be happy but you need to accept.

If there are children from the GF/XH that is your children’s sibling. They can have a good relationship or no relationship or a bad relationship.

It is up to your child on that decision but just know your child nay take their cues from you.

Just go your best to keep their dad in their lives. If it ends up screwed up, let that be on him, not you.

I can see the wisdom in this nekorb

"Thank you, Lord for getting me away from that asshole! I’d still be there trapped in that unhealthy relationship if he hadn’t cheated!"

I can update my experience once I get a chance to practice this more but I have been working on changing my narrative in response to an online class I took related to growth after trauma. But I had to laugh at your quote nekorb because that’s about all I could find to be thankful for at times.

Surviving,

Trying to be happy for him is asking WAY TOO MUCH of yourself.

As others have said, strive for indifference.

Friend – this is written with the BEST of intentions...
What your "husband" is doing is abusive. It goes against all expectations and norms in society. He’s married to you but leaves you and the children to publicly live with his GF. He is now reneging on his obligations as husband and father, and emotionally subduing you with finances.
If you are holding off divorce for financial reasons, then he has now created the perfect chokehold to control when that takes place. With a man this immoral, that will be when he can present no assets, no income and no financial obligation towards you and his children.

In the strongest of words friend – FRIEND! – strive to file.

Talk to a relative or friend. Get guidance. Talk to the clerk at the courthouse. Google the process...

I want to make one suggestion that can quick-start your process:
Google New Jersey family abuse hotline. You will find a number of resources. These hotlines are NOT limited to physically battered wives, nor for those needing shelter from abusive husbands. These lines are there for people like you – people in abusive relationships where one partner controls the situation using emotional abuse and finances.
Chances are you might have to phone more than one. Chances are the first one will refer you to the second one. Like one might specialize in physical abuse, but the other a more general family-advice hotline.
Chances are these people will know the process, maybe even offer legal advice, know of attorneys working pro-bono or who are willing to get paid as you go. Whatever. There is nothing for you to lose, but EVERYTHING for you to GAIN by reaching out.

You and your kids need to get out of your present misery. NOW.

Bigger - thank you for your message. I’ve been receiving child and spousal support for the last year and a half. It’s how I’ve been surviving. It gets garnished directly from his paycheck. The divorce portion (being actual husband and wife legally) seems like the least of it, even though I know people stress it so much. I always felt like atleast I got the financial part somewhat squared away. No, I didn’t have an attorney to do so. Went myself to domestic relations to file for the supports to which it was granted (it’s all done by a formula). I know there’s chances I can receive more than I am, but like I said in my original post, now that I’m back to work, I’m saving to hire an actual lawyer to get me what I feel is fair amongst sorting out anything else that needs to be sort out.