SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So here I am 5 years out from my antiversary of dday. Posting as I promised myself I would do many years ago

I havnt posted here in a long time because I moved on from my own trauma a while back but I will never forget the community that was my sanity during my darkest hours.

For those of you who were there for me then, I thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I truly would not be here today if it wasn’t for the wisdom and kindness I found in this forum.

For those of you who are new here, or have just found out (I’m sorry you are here) all I can say is it does get better (I promise) I got as low as you could possibly get and still be here to tell the tale and I can whole heartedly say that I am glad that it happened. I know that I would never have left her for any other reason and because of what she did I have met people who have fulfilled my life in more ways that she ever did or ever could.

Yes the journey has been tough and yes some days I wish I could put the genie back in the bottle but I know that I have become the best version of myself, a version of me that would never have existed otherwise.

the key thing is surrounding yourself with the right people, people that nourish you, people that build you up (find your tribe) and of course time…. Sadly they cannot take it back (I know my ex still would if she could) so eventually you do have to accept it happened and R or accept and D. I wasted so much energy looking for a Time Machine, they do not exist.

You will get through this. If I did, you can !!!

I wish you all the very best and once again thank you for being there when I really needed it 🫶

Thanks for posting, TD. Glad you're doing well.

Thank you for sharing. I always like hearing from people at key milestones, and I’m glad this has been a net positive and that you’ve found better people.

Hi TD,
Great post! I remember you actually asking so little of your WW and she just couldn’t give you even that. I had hope that she would finally get it for the longest time. I’m really happy that you’re in such a good place. Do you still have a cordial relationship with her? Take care.

So good to hear from you, thanks for the update and paying it forward.

@U2019

Yes my requirements were the bare minimum but I realise now that I probably never would have been okay with it even if she had met those basic requests. I became so much happier when I left, not initially, but quite quickly.

I eventually got my apology this year. Took her a long time to realise what she did. She is in another relationship now, she’s outright told me she’s settled but she seems happy enough. She never was a bad person and still looks out for me when life stuff happens but that door is closed for me. The triggers are non existent these days, most days she does not even cross my mind and I never think about our life as a couple anymore. We coparent well and the kids are happy. I do not miss anything about our relationship. Sounds hard to believe considering where I was three years ago but it’s true.

TD

[This message edited by TwoDozen at 2:07 PM, Monday, December 16th]

The triggers are non existent these days, most days she does not even cross my mind and I never think about our life as a couple anymore. We coparent well and the kids are happy. I do not miss anything about our relationship. Sounds hard to believe considering where I was three years ago but it’s true.

So great to hear! I wish this post could be pinned in JFO so more betrayed can be encouraged their life will be ok if their current relationship ceases. And, in many cases like yours, life gets much better!

Well done.

Thanks for sharing, and I'm glad you're living well emotionally. I think you found the right recipe - support, acceptance, decision, action.

Good to hear from you 2D. I'm glad to hear that you are doing well.

I know you sort of kept the door open a little on R even after separation. It sounds now like you think maybe R was never in the cards for you.

I'm thinking a little about the "loss of something integrity adjacent" in R, and wondering if maybe you regained it later by separating.

Which is to say, do you believe now "cheating is a full stop dealbreaker forever, one and done"?

@Tif

Not at all I am still an advocate for both R and D. But for me R would only work if I saw that they "got it" which never happened in my case and that’s okay. It takes a strong person to dig that deep into their why’s to truly get it.

I’ll be honest, the kind of raw grit needed to do that level of work is gonna be extremely rare. Bit not impossible.

But today i have zero feelings towards my WexGF. I feel no anger, no hate, no love, just someone I used to know. We wave if we pass each other in the street, we meet and have coffee to talk about the kids. We wish each other happy birthday. We agree budgets for Xmas so that neither of us spoils the children more than the other. She will likely be in my life in one way shape or other for the rest of my life and that’s okay it really doesn’t trigger me whatsoever. It’s hard to explain, she is there but seeing her does not remind me of the quarter centuary we spent together. I do not reminisce and I don’t wish I had a Time Machine. That was a different version of me, a version I don’t recognise anymore.

TD

Thank you for coming back to share, TD. It's great to hear that you're doing so well. I hope to be in your shoes one day.

Thank you for sharing. I am so happy to hear that you have navigated to the point of true indifference. That is great.

These posts are so important. I remember being a newbie just lurking about. I would always peek over at the other boards just to show myself there WOULD be light at the end of the tunnel EVEN if I could not believe it at the time. So any lurkers - this is not the end. This needs to be just a chapter in your book. Onward to better things!

@NYFTM & @Evenkeel

I never would have believed it myself. Look I’m not gonna lie and say that life is all butterflies and rainbows, it’s still life and has its usual ups and downs.

But genuinely and I have no reservation in saying this. I do not miss my former relationship, the times we spent, anything. And I say it with zero resentment, I’m not bitter, those memories just don’t pop anymore. There was a time when it was all I could think of, the mind movies and the panic attacks. They are completely gone.

Furthermore I have it’s seems zero relationship related trauma as a results of the A. I have had several great relationships since then and not once have I felt any sort of anxiety that any of these partners were cheating. I’m taking that as a win.

I have maintained a regular cadence of therapy throughout the last 5 years. I can afford it and see it as an investment in myself.

I guess one question that might come up. Is there a shortcut to get to where I am now?? I’m sorry I don’t believe there is. Trust the process, invest in yourself, exercise, therapy, surround yourself with good people and time will heal. TD

These kinds of updates are so immensely valuable. I used the messages of those who stayed long in pain to proceed with caution as I attempted R. It served me well, I believe. This is a different kind of report, but one immensely encouraging to me with the path I’m on. Thank you for taking the time to share and best of luck to you in your journey.

Great update! Glad you have navigated your way to a better life. Great nuggets of wisdom you are sharing here.

@hiking. Thank you 🙏🏻

In my journey of looking for answers back in the day I frequently used you as my benchmark for what I was expecting to see regarding action from my WexGF. I gained so much wisdom from your posts and along with many others here they helped me forge a path that has led me to where I am now.

I am well out of the trenches now in fact the trenches are a dim memory. I came back to post the view from the other side that I was so desperate to see when my head, my heart and my stomach were at such odds with each other. They are all firmly aligned now, leaving for me was the right choice and one I am glad I found the strength to do.

There was a time when I desperately wanted R. I wanted it so much I was prepared to do 99% of the heavy lifting. But looking back that isn’t and never was R

TD.

@inkhulk you’re welcome. I wish you luck in your own journey too. It get easier and then one day it just isnt there anymore, somewhere along the line you forget to think about it, and when you do it doesn’t affect you whatsoever.

TD