SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Help,

My husband is an alcoholic. He is very up and down. I’m waiting for the holidays to pass for our children’s sake to then give him an ultimatum of getting sober/getting help or I leave.
My hope is that if he gets sober we can try to face the infidelity and recover from it.
A lot of IFS.
Just bumbling through this all.

He calls me today and says "I’m so sorry, I love you. I miss you. Let’s have sex and make up."

I don’t want to drive him into a rage. I just said I’ll see you when you get home.

What can I say without causing a huge anger outburst? What can I say that what squash the good in what he said.

I don’t want him to finally have made an effort and said kind things to me and I just shoot him down.

Any advice?

He did not say kind things. He said things in his best interest or that fulfill his needs. Not any of yours.

Sorry to be harsh but you are tolerating a situation that is very difficult to live with. A cheating alcoholic is destroying your mental health and your sanity.

You are tiptoeing around very serious issues.

I’d suggest professional counseling for you. Someone who is experienced in your situation - alcoholism, cheating and trauma.

I hope this helps you.

To me, having sex and making love are two different things. Hormones cause animals to have sex and procreate. Making love is a deliberate building of commitment and connection that results in creating an intimacy between the two of us and creating an atmosphere of love. A very stark contrast to "bumping nasties."

If you don't want to and he insists, then how different is this from being sexually assaulted? It isn't often discussed, but married people can be sexually assaulted by their partners. Is this another layer of abuse that you want to work through?

I would say something like, "I want connection too, but there is so much hurt and so many issues that need to be resolved that it’s not a matter of just having sex and making up."

I’m waiting for the holidays to pass for our children’s sake

Maybe being cast out before the holidays would be the best thing for both your WH and the children.

What can I say without causing a huge anger outburst?

if denying you’re cheating husband sex causes a huge anger outburst, then that is a huge problem.

Right now, he is not a good man in any way shape or form. The longer you delay the inevitable message to him that who he is today is unacceptable to you and your children, the harder it will be to get him to change.

How does he get angry? Does he abuse you out of anger? Being afraid to say 'No' is a very troublesome sign, IMO. I think you're lying to yourself if you think it will be easier in 3 weeks.

He won't be able to get sober if he does it for you. He needs to do it for himself for it to work, and even then, he has a difficult road to follow.

Have you looked for support, like an al-anon group? Have you participated?If you did, how did it go? If you didn't, what's keeping you from protecting yourself?

I understand your desire to keep things calm for your children until you're ready to act. Just make sure that you're not selling your soul in the process.

I don’t want to drive him into a rage.

He's the only one behind the wheel when it comes to his behavior. It's very important that you really understand that and embrace that and reject any notion that you cause him to misbehave. I second sisoon's recommendation that you look into Al-Anon.

"I’m so sorry, I love you. I miss you. Let’s have sex and make up."

How did you feel when he said that? To me, "let's have sex" is cringe AF. Wouldn't be the first time (or the millionth) that a guy told a woman that he was sorry and that he loved her just to get inside her.

If you're truly just wanting to keep him off of you and as calm as possible before you issue your ultimatum, I'd invent a "lady problem" (maybe an ovarian cyst? Those are painful) and roll with that.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 5:25 PM, Monday, December 9th]

What can I say without causing a huge anger outburst?

That is all up to him. And frankly, it sounds like he will weaponize whatever he can to get you to submit. The old "anger as a form of manipulation"

The fact that he has you walking on eggshells to avoid an outburst is not a good sign.

"I’m so sorry, I love you. I miss you. Let’s have sex and make up."

This reads as "shut up and fuck me or I'll loose my temper" and it does not sit well with me at all.

"I’m so sorry, I love you. I miss you. Let’s have sex and make up."

The audacity.

I mean really? Is this how he normally pursues you or tries to get you in the mood? I mean, maybe it works for both y'all but that is just jarring for me.

Skip that ultimatum; the choice to get and stay sober has to be his.

I’m waiting for the holidays to pass for our children’s sake

Take the holidays out of it and make the best decision for them. Your bio says he is drunk and grumpy frequently. Does not sound like a lot of holiday merriment.

"I’m so sorry, I love you. I miss you. Let’s have sex and make up."

This would have been a hard NO for me. This would have revolted me. Now, come at me with more like "

I am so sorry for [then list WHAT he is sorry for] and I am doing XYZ to rebuild myself and then hopefully our M."

IE what is HE doing to fix himself??

Please focus on what YOU have control over. Get yourself some IC (if you are not in it already) and get you and your children into a 'safe-zone' environment without you tip-toeing around so he doesn't go into a rage. You will not believe how wonderful it feels to be in a home of peace. Priceless.

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 2:04 PM, Tuesday, December 10th]

Your post has haunted me. And the more it does, the more I come to the conclusion the title could be changed to MY PET RATTLESNAKE WANTS TO SNUGGLE. And the end result would be about the same.