SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My WS has had a problem with drinking too much alcohol/staying out late/lying about it until the next day for quite some time now. After his ONS we made a deal he wouldn't drink anymore, especially while away. This has been broken a few times while away and has obviously really upset me.

Last night it happened at home. He finished work late (day job in our city), said he was going to a friends house straight from work, which already annoyed me because we'd had a big argument the day before about me having to take on most of the household responsibilities, but said he wouldn't be back late. Time was getting on and I had no word from him. He came back at 1am drunk.

I don't have it in me anymore. I am drained. So much so that I can't even face the energy it would involve for separation. I feel so stuck, both ways suck, I just want peace and calm and to not feel on edge wondering when the next lie will be, what he'll do next. Why can't he just be a good partner? Why can't he just do what he needs to do? I'm so frustrated and honestly just really, really sad. I am so sad all the time. I can't seem to gather the energy to make this better for myself and do what I need to do.

You’ve been heard, poet.

Maybe try the 180. There’s a post for the simplified 180 in the JFO forum. The 180 helps you detach emotionally and mentally and gives your brain space to breathe. It gives you a little respite from the chaos of infidelity and a WS who doesn’t get it. This may help you build up the strength you need to make your next step.

Are you in IC? Going to Al-anon appointments? You need help. You DESERVE help. You deserve better than what your WS is giving.

(((Hugs)))

Thanks for your support BearlyBreathing.

I tried the 180 approach a while back, he responded by upping his antics and being more chaotic and unpredictable and I couldn't not respond to it any longer.

I read something earlier that said 'There comes a point where you no longer care if there's a light at the end of the tunnel or not. You're just sick of the tunnel.' That's how I feel. I'm so sick of the tunnel.

I was in IC but we had scheduling conflicts with my work shifts and when she was available, and I gave up trying to organise it. I keep meaning to look for another one, but I think I've got a bout of good old fashioned depression at the minute. No motivation to do anything. Very fatigued. No enjoyment in things I used to enjoy. No desire to do anything I usually enjoy or to socialise. I've avoided most of my friends for months, because I know they'll ask how things are going and I don't want to talk about it. It all just feels very...flat. On my days off, I'm home alone while my WS is at work and my kids are at school. I've spent a lot of the days wandering around the city, sitting in coffee shops, basically wasting my days because I know if I'm home alone for the day, I'll just sit there and ruminate and cry and do nothing good or productive with my day. This is the lowest I've felt in the whole wonderful journey we've been on since DDay. The anger and rage and panic has mostly faded, all that seems to be left is a deep sadness.

(Sorry to be so woe is me, I'm really having a bad time and it does help to get it all out, even if it's to strangers on the internet.)

Hi, torturedpoet.

I just read through your initial post as well as this one.

I know it's hard to pull yourself up from the pits of hell, been there, done that, have the t-shirt.

Gently, your husband is not a good candidate for R, IMO, he doesn't have any respect for you judging by what you wrote, and he is not really doing anything to help your marriage move forward. Transparency and honesty are key, he's not giving you any of that. When I found out about my WH affair, I was given access to everything including his work emails/voicemails, phone, laptop, I had access to everything.

Additionally, his extensive work travel pretty much came to a screeching halt, the trust was gone, his A was with a co-worker who lived across the country. I asked him to find another job, took about 6-7 months but he did, and his travel was cut down by probably 85%. I went with him on several work trips, AND he stopped socializing on the job. If he traveled, he went straight to his room after the work day and ordered room Service. Everything to help me feel safe again, and despite all of that, it took YEARS to rebuild trust.

Secondly, your husband has a serious drinking problem. Staying out to all hours of the night? He's acting like a single man. He should be home helping with the daily tasks and working his A$$ off to become a safe partner. I grew up with an alcoholic father, and the effects on me and my siblings were immeasurable. We carried a great deal of baggage for a long time. Think about your children and how this toxicity in your home is affecting them. Maybe that will motivate you to take action.

Please meet with your MD for temporary medications to help you cope. Many of us here took them to get through the darkest valleys.

I isolated myself in those early days as well, it was a huge mistake because I think getting out of my environment more would have saved a bit of my sanity. Don't be too hard on yourself, give yourself some grace, maybe every morning make a short list of things that need to get done or something that you can do for yourself daily to get your motivation back again. Take a long walk, have coffee with a friend, volunteer, anything to get you motivated again.

I feel for you bc I dealt with an alcoholic father and a spouse cheater, I can't imagine the pain you are in trying to cope with both simultaneously. (((hugs)))

I feel so stuck, both ways suck.

^^This!

I’m about a year and a half out from D-Day of my WH one month long affair and this feeling has always been with me. Two options as far as I see it 1. Stay with a cheating POS or 2. Divorce and lose half the custody of my child and half my house that I have paid off solely.

I chose option 1 but it sure isn’t easy. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve wanted him to leave and never to see him again. But as time passes those feelings are becoming less often and less intense. BUT my WH has and continues doing a lot of work on himself and our marriage. I honestly don’t think I could stay if he didn’t.

You have been heard and IMO your husband isn’t doing enough to deserve your love. It is hard to get the strength to make these decisions but once you heal yourself (forget about the M) you will be able to. See a doctor, or therapist and do lots of self care such as exercise, hobby’s, visiting friends. Virtual hugs

I am sorry you are dealing with a lying cheating selfish addict.

I often wonder why people assume the D means you lose 50% of your time with kids. Let’s face it - dies the cheater NOW spend time with kids? Do you think once Divorced a lying cheating alcoholic is going to willingly alter their lifestyle and start putting the kids first?

Your kids deserve a happy productive parents who puts them first. Right now you are it. No one should stay together for their kids when there are options.

If you want to D or S, do it! Do not remain stuck because you assume you will lose time either your kids. While the court CAN award 50/50 custody, it may not actually work out that way.

See a professional counselor who has dealt with cheating alcoholic spouses who can support you. Scheduling should be your top priority for YOU.

If you did the 180 and he "upped his antics" then that is proof YOU need to put yourself first. And if he chose to retaliate that means you need to completely disengage from him.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Your actions, because lack of actions (consequences) are still actions, show your WS that he can do what he wants with minimal consequences.
You have all the agency in the world to stop accepting this disrespect.

Yes. Both ways suck. But ...

If you stay, you doom yourself to repetitiosn of his violating your boundaries.

If you leave, you remove a source of new pain from your life, at least to some extent.

A person in an active addiction cannot R. That makes D much more attractive than it otherwise would be.

My heart goes out to the addict. I just doubt that sticking with an addict is good for anybody. Check out Karpman's Drama Triangle for some very good insights.

Also, have you tried Alanon?

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I took a few days to have a good think about what I should do.

We're talking later. His boss from his away job told him that if he takes a year out, he will actively try to find a permanent replacement. He can only go back if he hasn't found someone permanent, so the chances of it being open are very small. We haven't spoken about this yet, so I don't know how he feels about it.

Just want to clear up that I don't think he's an alcoholic. I think he uses it sometimes as an escape when he's feeling guilty or ashamed or bad about himself. He can go without, and often does go months and months without. I don't think it's an addiction, I think it's a fault in his character.

As for him getting 50% custody, it may not be 50% if he continues to work away, but it'll be close, because he'll want it to be and the kids will want it to be too. I have no desire to hurt my kids by taking away their time with their dad, same for taking the time away with his kids from my WS.

I'm going to tell him that I've tried R his way for almost ten months now (I think?) and it's not working. That I'm miserable, incredibly anxious, always on high alert and that I can't continue this way any longer. If he's not willing to try R my way, then we will have to separate. I am expecting him to refuse but still try to stay, and I am dreading the conversation and whatever comes after it. I hope that if he says no to doing things my way, that he will be respectful and just let me go and focus on being a good father. I'm filled with fear, but I know I've done everything I can on my end, aside from trying to rug sweep (which would no doubt blow up in our faces further down the road), and that I just can't live like this anymore. I have nothing left to give him if we continue the way they are, and I desperately want (and need) my life back. I am no longer willing to explain relentlessly how his actions are hurting me for him to continue doing those same actions and ask me what's wrong when I'm sad about it.

Thanks for all your support.

I believe no matter what comes of this conversation, you will be better off for having had it.

Thank you. It didn’t go very well. We just can’t seem to get on the same page. A lot of insinuating that I’m being controlling, the words ‘emotional coercion’ were used against me. I stated that I’m not necessarily trying to get him to do anything, I’m telling him what I can’t live with.

I was getting angry, we put a pause on the conversation for now.

So sorry you are not being met with the attitude of doing anything it takes to honor your willingness to even consider R like you deserve.

I stated that I’m not necessarily trying to get him to do anything, I’m telling him what I can’t live with.

This was a perfect statement. Now you simply need to accept nothing less. If he continues to balk or bully, just ask him to begin looking for a rental and start the process of legal separation perhaps. He should be desperate to prove that you are more valuable to him than anything else no matter what it costs him.

You do realize he's gaslighting you so that you'll drop it and continue rugsweeping? What is he, 14 years old. My kids did this shit when they were teenagers.