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10 years past DDay. husband has still blocked OW on Facebook however I was looking up someone on his Facebook the other day (I don’t have my own account) and his recent searches came up with the OWs new husband and he had also searched for OWs brother. I went down the rabbit hole and started going through their profiles then. I haven’t said anything to WH as I know he will accuse me of being coercive and controlling like he does when I question anything he does or his motives. But it’s annoying me and I want to know why. Any advice appreciated.

It could be nothing (simple curiosity) or it could be more.

Looking up her brother - my guess is he’s trying to find out about OW. What does she look like now or what is she doing etc.

What stands out to me is the fact that you cannot talk to him or bring up his highly inappropriate behavior.

He’s certainly being shady.

I read your previous posts to gain insights from your story. It seems that suspicion and a fear of getting hurt again is very present in your mind.

As his searches have annoyed you, for this instance the one advice I have is for you to have a frank talk with him about his curiosity for the fOW. I’m sure you do not want be coercive nor controlling. You just want to understand.

Be curious yourself as to why he wanted to snoop around at this time.

Assume that his intentions were nothing more than a snooping desire not a cheating desire. Start with this premise and see what that brings you. This approach neither coercive nor controlling.

However if you feel that resentment is building and it is not good for you that he’s doing this, then it’s time to work out your boundary for yourself to ensure that you do not build resentment at his curiosity for the fOW. Then tell him.

This sends me down the rabbit hole just reading this.

Even if it is just a curiosity - that means OW is still on his mind. And that IMHO is a problem. He lost the right to be even mildly curious of her.

I know he will accuse me of being coercive and controlling like he does when I question anything he does or his motives.

This is a huge red flag.

I agree that this is a red flag and you need to address this with him. There are a lot of things you can't control with your unfaithful spouse, but this is not one of them. Zero contact in any way shape or form for the rest of your life together especially if it was a LTA. So many affairs start out so innocently with curiosity and his curiosity even as indirect as it was can no longer be accepted. I caught my wife checking out his FB profile a year and a half after Dday and she told me she was just curious. I told her how it affected me and I made it clear to her how it set me back and that I will not tolerate contact of any kind whatsoever. He needs to respect your feelings and agree to absolutely zero contact without putting his two cents in with you. Boundaries need to be made and respected! I have been there and know how you feel.

At our house this would be breaking "no contact". And it would be treated in the same manner.

The fact that you can't have open communication and transparency without him gaslighting you is a very big red flag.
You already know ow why he was looking them up, AP is on his brain. So, what are you going to do about it?

Do you still want to feel this way in five years, ten, twenty? He is controlling you if you are not allowed to talk about things. My husband tries that about anything that makes him uncomfortable. He will say, "Stop talking about (that), I don’t want to hear it." And my response is "I will talk about anything I want to.", said in a quiet way. With the unspoken, "Don’t let the door hit you in the ass."if he doesn’t like it. No one, in our society has the right to shut someone up unless it’s a judge. The US has the Constitution allowing free speech. You do you. Whatever gets you through the night.

Thanks for all your input. Sometimes I am so lost in this marriage as I can’t talk to anyone else apart from my H and I need perspective from others. I just need the right time to raise the subject. I know he will go down his own rabbit hole. He goes into panic mode if things aren’t going well and then deep depression. This is one of the reasons that I haven’t broached the subject. I am tired. I haven’t the strength plus I also don’t even want to talk about OW or her husband or brother. I am way past that and don’t want her coming into my thought process again. If I had somewhere to just disappear to, I would.

He goes into panic mode if things aren’t going well and then deep depression. This is one of the reasons that I haven’t broached the subject.

So if I read correctly, he is weaponizing his pain to manipulate you into keeping quiet.

And he knows you are tired. He's using that to his own advantage.

This kind of bullshit is straight out of the Cheater's Handbook.

I agree with Chaos.

If your WH didn't want to step into panic mode or depression he should not have been searching his APs family.

will accuse me of being coercive and controlling

No, you are not being coercive or controlling, he is. He is controlling the situation and making you the villian.

If he was remorseful he would do all in his power to avoid upsetting you.