SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In this story we are all coworkers in one job. I'll use made up names...

My friend Mark basically just broke the news to me. He's the roommate of Neil. He was going along with Neil and not telling me about this ongoing situation between Neil and my girlfriend Lisa, as they're close friends (and I think it would be awkward for Mark and Neil to fall out because they live together).

Apparently Lisa has been having long flirty phone calls with Neil on many nights whilst I'm out or working on other shifts. Mark was in the room with Neil when she called him and she was so comfortable with him she was even talking to him whilst she was on the toilet (peeing).

And here's the kicker, Neil told Mark he had to promise not to tell anyone about this situation, presumably because they don't want to jepordise it if me or our other co-workers know. Mark went along with this for a while but then had to tell me, he's a good friend.

Lisa has been telling Neil that our sex life has fizzled out recently, I guess it has a bit, I've just been very busy working loads these last few months. She never came to me and talked to me about this. Neil also told Mark that Lisa is planning to leave me for him.

Okay, I mean obviously the relationship between myself and Lisa is clearly over in my eyes, although they don't know I know yet.

I don't know if they got physical but it hurts all the same. What do you make of it all?

I am so sorry you find yourself on these boards dealing with this . Many of us can relate to being betrayed.
People will be along soon to offer support. My advice to all betrayeds is to take exquisite physical, mental and emotional care of yourself (and children if there are any).

I personally wish that I had waited a bit, got excellent support, and had a solid plan before disclosing to my exwh that I knew what was going on. I also wish I had seen my exwh for who he was (not loyal) the first time I found out.

A trauma-informed primary health care provider who can help with support and std testing was a very helpful first stop for me.

I wish you much healing from this.

Welcome to SI and sorry that you're here. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read, as well as the ones marked with bull's eye icons. The Healing Library is at the top of the page and has a lot of great answers.

Shehawk has given you some great advice. Mark is a good friend. I'd drop Neil as a friend because he's really not a friend.

When they are keeping secrets from you, that isn't a good thing.

Sorry.

Make a plan. What do you need to be able to shut the door on this? Make a list and do the most important. If you live together and you rent are you on the lease and can you leave! Finances.

Find a therapist to have an outlet for your anger and sorrow.

Do not use alcohol or drugs. Eat healthy and try to get enough sleep. My suggestion is to not wait for her. Go your own way. Go no contact. The less time you spend with her the better. Remind yourself she is a cheater and you did nothing to cause it.

What’s your view on your relationship with Lisa? Is it strictly for casual sex on occasion and you don’t mind sharing her with others? Then great. Carry on. If on the other hand you’re not on board with sharing her, and being disrespected by her, since you’re not married I would strongly advise dumping her, telling her you don’t tolerate any kind of infidelity, and send her to the streets.

Reconciliation is some of the toughest work anyone can go through. Why would you subject yourself to that when you’re not married, don’t have kids, etc. ? There’s a million other women out there who wouldn’t abuse you like this…

gr8ful said it all. Discard Lisa/Neil, keep Mark. Draw another card from the girlfriend deck.

My WH had an A with a co-worker. WH, the AP and her husband (the OBS) all worked together. The only one in this little disaster who did not share a workplace was me. Ultimately it all blew up in their faces - and my WH and AP were the topic of many work place gossip scenarios, even before everyone actually found out from the OBS. As far as the "secret" goes - it is not yours to keep unless you want to. The OBS in my situation did not tell anyone at work for awhile as he did not want to be part of the latest gossip, even though none of it was his fault. When he decided to separate (and eventually divorce) the AP then he told some people at work and almost immediately everyone knew. So, at this stage the choice is yours as to when and who you tell, if anyone as it's pretty clear your WP and the AP aren't going to.

Thank you all for your advice. Yes I'm definitely ending the relationship. I will update soon.

I’m sorry you had to find this site.

We are here to support you.

Cut the dead weight loose. Either pack your stuff and leave or pack hers and toss her out. Then, block her on everything. Better to find out now than after marriage and kids. It still sucks, but you will recover with time.

If you are decided on ending things with Lisa, I would take the initiative and end it first rather than wait for her. That will make it all feel a little bit better and help with your self esteem and agency. Now that Mark sees Neil is a disloyal cheater, perhaps he can room with you.