SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I haven’t told many people about our situation. But one very good friend or so I thought knows what’s happened. Today I randomly texted her and said I feel so broken. And she said this:

Don’t make yourself vulnerable. Stop being a victim. You chose to stay with him, you’re going to have to let it go.

Here is where I said I am trying but it still hurts.

I’m sure it does but if you are going to stay with him, you have to find a way. You have to find a way to find yourself again…to be who you used to be. You don’t have to prove yourself to him.

Tough love? I don’t feel like talking about how sad I am once in awhile is making myself victim. Is it??

I’m so sorry. I have been somewhat dissapointed in the lack of support I’ve gotten but I never had a response like that from friends or family.
It has been eye opening how many people do kind of have that attitude of "get over it" it seems especially if you choose to stay. It adds to the pain. I gather she is a "fixer" and is trying to fix this for you. But with betrayal there is no fiix. It is just time and working bit by bit to get back to who you were and it takes a very long time.
I don’t think she meant that in a cruel way but she very obviously has not been betrayed in a marriage.
After about a year I just did not bring it up anymore to anyone. My mom would still ask how I was but nobody else did and I just let it be.
Big hugs to you. I’m sorry you did not get more empathy from your friend.

Your friend sounded like me - that is before it happened to me!

I found this site at the 6 month post D-day and asked the question why aren’t I over this by now, it’s been ages.

I’ve since had friends say similar things. For example I was being really angry about it once and my friend told me ‘it’s no way to live your life’. And sometimes people have said ‘are you going to hold it against him forever?’ And it wasn’t even a year out.

The thing is until it happens to you, you will never ever understand the trauma. I’ve learnt this lesson well and truly. I use SI as my safe place now to talk about how I’m feeling because I know, even though every affair is different there is that commonality and understanding. And now my friends are there for everything else 💚

I’m sorry you’re not feeling supported by your friend. Like you, I have only shared my "situation" with my immediate family and one close friend, so I get how isolated one can feel when there is minimal options when you are needing a listening ear.

Honestly, pre-A me would have without a doubt been "thinking" what your friend has verbalized to you. I honestly wouldn’t take her words personally - I can only assume she has never walked down this road, therefore, she is extremely clueless on the depth of trauma that infidelity causes. The whole "you are choosing to stay, so you have to let it go" mentality was something I was guilty of, but it isn’t so cut and dry once your living in your own personal hell. Try not to let her "inexperience" beat you down.

This site really is a safe haven to vent. We all can relate to your pain - your thoughts and feelings are 110% justified.

You have to find a way to find yourself again…to be who you used to be. You don’t have to prove yourself to him.

Is that different from what you've heard from SI? IMO, 'are' is better than 'used to be', but 'used to be' works, too.

To stay, you do have to find a way that works for you. You're doing that now, and if she's pressuring you to know the way now, yeah, she's expecting too much.

How do you want your friend to respond? My reco is to figure that out, and ask for the response you want.

If you're doing this by text, my reco is to stop texting and start doing it face to face, or at least voice to voice.

People who have never been affected by infidelity cannot grasp the enormity of the betrayal and the complexity of recovery, especially if you decide to try to R. I think many view R as a weak move, and think that since the BS has decided to stay, they need to suck it up and move on.

After DDay, my best friend of 20 years was surprisingly aloof whenever I wanted to talk about infidelity. She'd listen for a bit, but she didn't respond much, or she'd change the subject. It felt like she was bored by it. She was not my soft place to fall, which was so confusing.

I found the most support here at SI, and still maintain many of my SI friendships from back then.

After awhile, I heard something similar from my very best friend. AND, my MC. I was so hurt and felt so lost. The grief from this kind of betrayal is so very difficult. I’m sorry you’re not feeling the support you need. My friend was more inclined to remind me that I DID decide to "work on it", but that didn’t mean I had to stay. She also reminded me that there will come a time when beating my FWH over the head with this on the daily wouldn’t be very productive, as much as he deserved it. I needed to find a way to honor my grief and anger, while also leaning into a new version of us as a couple.

I really don’t think that anyone who hasn’t experienced this has the smallest inclination of how very difficult it is. It wasn’t just the recovering from it, but I also had to stop beating myself up for not seeing it sooner, or deciding to work on it rather than leave "that cheating bastard in the dust".

You will eventually find a new version of yourself. It helped me to practice being more mindful. And, to always remember that I could tap out at any time if I felt that that was what would be best for me. My IC called it having a quick release. I know what I’d do. I have a nest egg stashed away. It seems counter-intuitive, but knowing exactly what I’d do to end the relationship, if I needed to, gave me the emotional space to focus on my healing. It is so very unfair that the BS has to do SO much emotional labor recovering from an A. It feels like it is so much more than the W.

People who have never been affected by infidelity cannot grasp the enormity of the betrayal and the complexity of recovery, especially if you decide to try to R. I think many view R as a weak move, and think that since the BS has decided to stay, they need to suck it up and move on.

^^^^^THIS^^^^^

A few months after D-Day I went to my home town to see my best friend of 50 years with the intention of telling him of my wife’s infidelities. He was the adult child of parents who divorced over his father’s serial cheating when his mother found out many years later. I asked him some questions about his parents’ situation and based on his answers, I decided not to share as I wouldn’t get the empathy I was looking for.

Don’t make yourself vulnerable. Stop being a victim. You chose to stay with him, you’re going to have to let it go.

I’m sure it does but if you are going to stay with him, you have to find a way. You have to find a way to find yourself again…to be who you used to be. You don’t have to prove yourself to

him.

These sentences just prove how people who "haven’t lived it, can’t get it". Universally, people I talk to who have suffered infidelity say it is the worst thing to ever happen to them. That isn’t because they have lived charmed lives. Soldiers who have seen combat and first responders have said infidelity gave them PTSD worse than the horrors of war or the things they had seen on the job. That is some serious trauma.

Telling someone to "just let it go" about these things is analogous to telling someone who lost a leg "rub some dirt on it" IMO. Or telling that same person to "find a way to be who you used to be". That’s impossible. That version of me is dead. Never to return……Now, I can be a better version of me NOW. But telling me to "suck it up buttercup" isn’t going to make that so.

I have found a couple of men through SI and another Infidelity site I am on. They both read my stories and posts on here and reached out because of our devastatingly similar circumstances (men with serial cheating wives who found out many years later). I’ve never met these two men IRL but consider them both friends. They "GET IT". We help one another without judgement. That is what we need in this "shitty journey". Not platitudes and condescending "non-empathy" from "friends"……

[This message edited by ImaChump at 7:40 PM, Monday, November 4th]

I don't see why you have to "let it go". Also choosing to stay isn't a permanent position, in my opinion. You can be choosing to stay for now either because you are OK with the trajectory, or just generally OK. You can also wake up tomorrow, change your mind, not be over it, and ask for a divorce/separate. I leave that option open forever. I do think I'm a little against the grain on this topic...

He has to earn forgiveness. If he earns it, it won't feel like you are letting him get away with it.

Wow the friend response is harsh.

What I have learned is that unless you have been betrayed you really don’t understand the pain.

I was naive and pushed aside my H’s first 4 year EA (in person) because I thought - ok no sex and the OW was just obvious. Not a threat (in my mind).

Second affair was far more devastating b/c he wanted a D. Typical midlife crisis affair.

Very few friends understood it. Not even my family provided support (even the sibling cheated on after a 5+ year relationship).

I learned to heal myself and not rely on others.

Your friend may have meant well but I have to say those are hard thoughts to hear whether in person or via text or email.

Just remember — it’s not you, it’s them.