SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not been here for a while but just need to vent and get my thoughts out as I’m feeling so overwhelmed with how consuming dealing with all of this is. I think I bury a lot and end up not actually processing emotions.

I’m still here still stuck in dreaded limbo and feel like my life is running away from me and another 5/10 years will pass and we’ll just be doing the same thing.

I feel like I’m staying put because I value our history together, It’s comfortable, it’s safe (in the sense of better the devil you know), I have a chance to have a family if I jump back in with two feet, we get on well, I won’t be lonely.

I feel that I need to leave because we’re not having any real conversations and actually most things he does not just annoy me - although I don’t know if that’s my being negative or if that’s my gut coming through. We don’t show each other any connection or closeness anymore and when I’ve bought this up before he said I wasn’t showing him any so he felt rejected which is why he doesn’t.

Mostly I think I feel like I can’t be bothered but I also I feel scared to not be with him and if I think about breaking up it makes me want to cry (even though this currently isn’t a healthy relationship with the way we’re both acting - we’re basically roommates).

I need to snap out of my paralysis and actually talk to him about how I feel but perhaps I’m afraid of the repercussions of that conversations so I just don’t say anything.

I don’t know if I want us to work out or not. I hold onto our history together and what we could still do together but often fantasise about doing solo trips or meeting other people. I feel like no one would compare to what we had (or what I thought we had as we obviously weren’t on the same page if he had an affair). I hate that this is my life and I have to navigate this.

I feel damned if I stay and damned if I leave. I’m nearly 31 my window for a family is dwindling by the day and I know I’ve cost myself a whole year by staying but I’m so depressed that more time will pass and I literally feel like a zombie. I either need to jump back in or jump out but I don’t know what one or how to do it.

I know I’m being a pathetic person who doesn’t know her own mind.

I admire people who are so headstrong that they can walk away straight away. I wished that was me but I'm still here. Is that my guts intuition that he is the one for me and just made a terrible number of choices but learnt his lessons?

I used to really like our quiet live with routine but now I feel like I don’t like anything.

I am doing lots of things for myself (exercise/yoga/ reading/ going out more) but even with all this, inside I feel a sense of dread at my life disappearing.

Maybe I’m having a mid life crisis too.

Sorry for such a negative post just needed to get that all out - I should probably have a journal.

Sending positive thoughts and ((virtual hugs))

Sorry that people on this site including you experienced infidelity. We did not sign up for this.

I am sure other people will be along soon to offer support.

My personal experience is that it takes a lot
of hard personal work for someone who has wayward tendencies and behaviors to become a safe partner. People on this boards have this work so I believe it is possible. But it looks and I imagine feels very different than a wayward partner not doing the work.

Oops typo "done this work"

Thanks Shehawk .. accepting the virtual hug with open arms!! I know I need to do a lot more letting go and healing of my own, I know that, especially with gaining the courage to have the difficult conversations and stop being passive about my life. Sometimes it’s just so consuming and you can’t see the wood for the trees. Thanks for giving me space to vent (even if it is a repeat of the same drivel I’ve shared the last year). There are flickers of growth within myself don’t get me wrong but I’m sharing the worst part of me here .. sorry 🙈

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling this way. Your words resonate with me, especially these:

I’m still here still stuck in dreaded limbo and feel like my life is running away from me and another 5/10 years will pass and we’ll just be doing the same thing.

I feel like I’m staying put because I value our history together, It’s comfortable, it’s safe (in the sense of better the devil you know), I have a chance to have a family if I jump back in with two feet, we get on well, I won’t be lonely.

I am barely 2 years out yet but this is exactly how I feel at the moment. Stuck in limbo, in the POLF. Unable to move us out of this place but also not able/willing to leave for all the above reasons and more. Like you, I am afraid I'll regret staying and giving him more years of my life down the line. I am in my mid forties, kids are soon grown and I want to keep the family unit together if possible even after they have moved out. But I am not getting what I need to feel fulfilled in the M at the moment.

I don’t know if I want us to work out or not. I hold onto our history together and what we could still do together but often fantasise about doing solo trips or meeting other people. I feel like no one would compare to what we had (or what I thought we had as we obviously weren’t on the same page if he had an affair). I hate that this is my life and I have to navigate this.

I feel damned if I stay and damned if I leave.

This is so spot on. Chasing between two shitty options I never wanted. Leave a marriage I never wanted to leave or stay in a M broken by infidelity and that no longer feels as meaningful as it used to

I hope for the both of us that things will start shifting or that we ourselves will be able to shift them in some direction. If things don't get any better in the M I wish to become strong enough or resolved enough to just know I am done and able to leave. But alas, I am not there yet at least.

If you don't have kids (especially), a shared house, or a shared business my boilerplate advice is to run.

You can build a new life faster with someone that hasn't hurt you. "Relationship history" is really close to nothing if you don't have significant family or property entanglements. And it's worse than that having been cheated on. How do you know he won't cheat when you're pregnant? Right after you give birth? This is a common time for POS cheaters to look elsewhere for extra because they feel they aren't getting enough at home.

LittleRedRobin23

I’m so sorry you’re still spinning on your limbo wheel, it sucks … we all have been there (or are currently there - I know I feel like it most days).

While I don’t have much wisdom to offer as I’m early days myself and my situation is very different from yours, I just wanted to point out that you have so much going for you that maybe you don’t realize? Not only are you a wonderful, loyal, faithful woman and human being … you are young (think 30 being the new 20), you aren’t married and have no children with your partner … you actually have your whole life ahead of you and you can do it with a clean slate.

I 100% get the history side of a relationship and that is something to take into consideration, however, if I understand your story correctly, approximately 35-40% of your history is tainted by his infidelity? You also mention there is no closeness, connection and that you live like roommates - he should be moving mountains to ensure you have closeness, connection and that you’re living like a family.

The struggle in how to navigate this is real and there is no one size fits all solution. In many ways I am "envious" (I say this in a positive way 😀) of you that you have no ties to this person other than history. You have so so so much life to live and you have time on your side.

Thinking of you. This shit is hard.

You're succumbing to the sunk cost fallacy. You feel like because you've put in over a decade into this relationship, that you're wasting it if you get out. The fact of the matter is, those years are already gone. Before you know it, 11 years will turn into 20... and the older you get, the fewer options you think you will have.

Further, whatever problems exist in your relationship right now will be multiplied exponentially by adding kids into the mix. More importantly, it would be incredibly unfair to children to bring them into a marriage that's toxic or on life support.

And keep in mind, too, that for close to 40% of your relationship, he was sleeping with the OW. This was no one-night stand or temporary lapse in judgment on his part.

I was around your age and didn't have kids or own a house with my ex. I desperately wanted to have kids and that actually factored into my decision to try to make it work for as long as I did because I was daunted by the idea of returning to the dating pool. As a result, I wasted a lot of prime fertile years in a crap relationship, and even though it didn't take me long to meet and marry my current husband, I needed fertility treatments as a result.

As for my ex, he ended "going legit" with OW#2 after I left and she became pregnant with his child shortly thereafter. That was certainly a knife to the gut at the time... but I learned through the grapevine that their relationship didn't last long after their daughter's birth and he has very little to do with her. Her situation could've very well been mine if I continued to allow myself to be paralyzed by fear.

I agree with previous posters. If it is early in marriage with no kids or serious financial hardships or entrenchments together I would make a clean break. People can learn and grow but betrayal leaves a scar on a relationship. Especially a long term affair but really any betrayal is brutal. I am trying to reconcile mostly for my almost grown kids and because I want to retire early when I planned to and that will not happen if we divorce. I am also 48 and have spent 23 years married. I do still care for him and we have so much history together. You also have not been through having kids and the stress that typically brings to a relationship for a season. I would not knowingly go into that with someone that has proven to be capable of such selfishness. I absolutely would not have married my WH if I had a crystal ball. I know not everyone feels that way but I think many of us do. Of course I have my beautiful children and I’m grateful for that.
My WH has been super remorseful and has dug deep into his whys. I still feel no romantic feelings toward him and overall feel pretty meh about the relationship at 2.5 years out. At your young age you could take time to heal and be in a new relationship in that amount of time. I’m sorry you are going through this. I know that feeling of being unsure, unfortunately I’m still somewhat in that state as well.

Little red robin, I also empathise. I have no great words of wisdom as I was similar to you, but I have fully made up my mind to stay and I feel better in myself and this is reflected in the relationship.!once you decide either way it is freeing.

My friend was in a relationship since she was 15. At 35 her partner told her after stringing her along for years that he did not want children. She decided there and then to end it and now at nearly 38 she is married and pregnant with the most lovely man. You still have time to meet someone else and my children are definitely the main reason I stayed and the financial reasons. Also he is making major changes, has finally quit drinking and got help for it and his depression. From your post and I may be wrong it doesn’t sound like your husband has.

I know it is really hard to make changes, it is one of the reason I have stuck to what I know but for me things have changed in the relationship, I have and finally so has my husband. If you feel that there is truly no change why not separate for a bit and but the ball in his court. See how he acts and behaves and whether he is really all in, as you need this if you want children together

Have you read https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/497843/fear-vs-reality/ ?

Sorry you have to deal with this.

Another hug, if you want one: (((LittleRedRobin)))

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:34 PM, Thursday, October 3rd]

So sorry you are feeling this way.

You fear giving up what you know and being alone.....you are already alone, and just sharing a home with somebody.

I have daughters your age and they are young!! 31 is still your whole life ahead of you. To do whatever you would like with it.

Although I have ended our relationship immediately upon learning of his 2-year EA, I also realise that the universe, earlier this year, helped me dodge a couple of bullets.

I have a substantial inheritance coming my way, it's been 3 years of issues, but that delay has now turned in my favour. Because I won't receive it until long after we're separated. Had I received it 1 or 2 years ago..... (and yes I have obtained legal advice).

Secondly, we were considering using the equity in MY home (I long had this home before we were together) for a substantial amount to lend to a family member to purchase a business and give them a hand up. They would pay us back, there would have been a formal agreement or whatever. After consideration and consulting with financial professionals, I opted not to proceed. I'm so glad I didn't, because as it stands now, I would have been left holding that 'baby' so speak, while he walked away. Without a legal fight, he could just wash his hands of it because it would have all been in my name.

The point of these examples is that....sometimes the universe is trying to nudge you in a different direction. No babies is good. It's trying to show you in multiple ways that this man is not a good fit for you.

I also believe that worrying at the fork in the road is pointless. We only know the road we took, the rest is pure speculation. If you veer left, you're only guessing what veering right would have brought.

Thanks for so many responses it’s awful so many of us had to make these decisions and have been put in this situation!! It’s nice to know there’s people who relate to our stories so we feel less alone and that what we experience is normal.

I appreciate you giving your advice and sharing your stories too!!

I’m definitely with some of you in POLF. How do we get out of it!! I want to live my life and go hiking and have adventures but I’m stuck in this headspace and feel that I’m not living up to what I want to achieve.

Reading these comments back over and over - really give me a reality check! (So thank you for that) In black and white I should absolutely go. I feel like putting that in motion is so hard and … I’m a classic chump who is stuck hard on hopium that one day he’ll be the guy that does show me all the love and affection that should be shown to a partner. But my bf says I live in fantasyland and don’t have real expectations of what an actual relationship is…

For me what’s hard as well is feeling all the emotions that go with heartbreak, betrayal and breaking up are so physically painful I think that’s why I bury it because it hurts to be vulnerable and have to let the emotions out.

How do you find the courage to leave or to speak up and address the problems to see if change can happen?!

I think I’ve realised this has been a big ego adjustment for me, I really felt we were a power couple among friends and family and I think I built us to this amazing thing. It’s knocked me for six what a fool I was and also how I’ve let life slide with someone who doesn’t want to commit (no proposal) and talks about kids but never makes a plan like let’s try for a baby. I think I’ve carried this relationship 80%! So to know we weren’t that great I feel embarrassed and part of me staying is maybe coming from my ego , look how strong we are as a couple that we can get through this nothing can break us up.

Maybe I’m the toxic one.

It means more than you know that you have all given me (many times over on my other posts too) feedback and advice. I will keep reading and having that reality check to realise this is your life what are you going to do now.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:05 PM, Friday, October 4th]

RedRobin, I relate soo much to your pain. I'm having trouble processing too, tho it's still early for me. i'm 5 weeks from dday. I've gotten good advice to wait to make any long-term decisions, but my mind is like a rabbit, running, running in circles and I can't stop it.

I've been married 26 years, and I def had enough time to see WH's mental disorders before dday, but I had no thought of trashing it, we'd built a life and it was decent. I now think my Dad had some similar traits and maybe I chose H because those disorders seemed familiar. Finding out about H's addiction changed EVERYTHING for me. He was emotionally difficult to connect with, has high anxiety, and I'd kind of toyed with idea of Separation before, but not seriously. We had good times and have really sweet kids. Ironically, when my sister went thru a similar thing with her non-remorseful addict eXWH, my H was supportive and helpful.

However, I didn't hesitate when the crap conveyor delivered this mountain of dung, I needed him out of the house. Now that we're living separately I know it's better, although nothing is gonna make it hurt less. I want to take this time to figure out what is right for me, but each day is a mess of conflicting emotions and I feel like I'm permanently damaged and half-nuts.

Your words about your history, comfort, safety resonate, but I think not knowing how to make the right choice is normal. It sucks all your energy and thoughts, dealing with this, at least I feel that way. I don't have the sense to know what's right for me yet, but my rabbit mind is gathering data whether I like it or not. You will get there.

I can tell you I am REALLY glad I told him to move the hell out while I deal with the fallout. My emotions are chaos, but my home is a safe place and I'm starting to realize how much his behavior ruled my everyday life. The predominant emotion is one of relief that I'm not worrying about his mood when I get home from work.

No matter what, there is a "before" and "after" dday, and it's a permanent thing, like someone you love dying. Big internal changes are inevitable. I'm trying to think about how I can grow from this unwanted change and not just suffer through it. I'm glad I know the truth about it, no matter how alone it makes me feel sometimes.

Cyber (((HUGS))), LRR

How do you find the courage to leave or to speak up and address the problems to see if change can happen?!

In my case I would not call it courage. In fact it was almost the opposite. Like raising the white flag and admitting defeat was more like it for me. I had that moment where I just knew I could not take anymore. Like a boxer in a boxing match - not totally out of gas, but realizing they need to end the match because they don't see any plausible way to win and to stay in the ring longer would just damage them more. Basically by the time I spoke and said enough is enough, I had to leave as it was clear change wasn't going to happen any other way. Unfortunately I think you are likely in the same boat. While there was some part of me that thought there was still some teeny tiny chance that magically my WH would change, the damage to me was so profound from being lied to for years, from having that pit in my stomach that never wholly went away, from being the relationship police, from living with someone I did not trust, that was breaking me more and more everyday, that I was finally willing to throw in the towel and walk away.

In reading what you said, you already have courage, as it took me a long time to admit that this was likely me:

I really felt we were a power couple among friends and family and I think I built us to this amazing thing. It’s knocked me for six what a fool I was and also how I’ve let life slide with someone who doesn’t want to commit (no proposal) and talks about kids but never makes a plan like let’s try for a baby. I think I’ve carried this relationship 80%! So to know we weren’t that great I feel embarrassed and part of me staying is maybe coming from my ego , look how strong we are as a couple that we can get through this nothing can break us up.

Acceptance is step one. You are there. The next part is really where it all becomes a big unknown. Your WP could, like mine, upon your decision to end the relationship as it stands now, look at himself and decide he does not want to be that person anymore and decide to take active measures to figure himself out and make changes...but the kicker is (and prepare to bandage your already bruised ego...) IF that happens, it can't be for YOU. Any proclamation of love coupled with I will do anything for YOU so you don't leave - even go to therapy (or whatever they claim) is IMO, basically worthless. They have already proven what they will and will not do "for" the BS by cheating, getting caught, and cheating again.

Any claims about repair has to be for HIM or HER - the WP. Yes, they have to take another selfish act in order to move forward in the right direction. Counterintuitive? Certainly. Another step on top of the already beaten ego of the BS, perhaps? Sure. I will admit, when my WH finally explained he was going back to IC, and did not mention that he was doing it for me - in an attempt to win me back, but instead for him, to figure himself out, I will admit that there was a little part of me that still thought: Sure. Fine. You couldn't or wouldn't do it for me - I wasn't enough, it has to be for you, because it's all about you.

But in hindsight, all of that was pain shopping and yeah a little narcissism of my own all wrapped into a big bundle of shit that I'm sure Freud would have had a field-day with. But the reality was, when my WH said he was going to go to IC for me - to prove to me he meant business about "fixing" our relationship, it was nonsense. It was show. And he admits that while he went, he spent a lot of time bitching about me and how unhappy I was that he had had a 2+ year A. He minimized for his therapist and ultimately lied about rekindling the A not only to me, but to his therapist as well. Pointless. All of it.

After I divorced him and in the process of my leaving (I did D first and then moved out due to COVID lockdown), WH said to me "You are right. There is something wrong with me. IDK why I have done these things, things that I am so morally against...." and off he went, back to IC, with a new mission - a mission to figure out his shit because even if I was gone, he did not want to do again what he knew he was capable of, and he wanted to figure out why he had been capable of it in the first place. Better reasoning. Much better. And largely as a result of those changes and the work he has done, we still date now. But more importantly, I feel a LOT better about me.

You don't know what will happen if you leave, but it's pretty clear you know what will happen if you stay...more of the same. You can change that embarrassment over not being able to fix it into empowerment: you can't fix everything and more importantly you don't have to. Forgive yourself and take that next step - and trust me, I felt exactly like you a few years ago, and now that I'm free of that and feel back to myself again, I spend a few hours of every week trying to help people just like you find their way out of this mess called infidelity, because the whole process but especially that LIMBO where you are now, was just death by a thousand cuts most days.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 12:54 AM, Saturday, October 5th]

Gray - oof 5 weeks out is rough! My heart goes out to you! I kicked my partner out for 3 months before he moved back in while we navigate limbo /potential permanent separation. I think kicking him out was a smart move give yourself some breathing space to be you.

You’re absolutely right, there is a before d-day and after d-day we are forever changed. Thats what is causing my limbo I think because as much as you try, you don’t feel the same way about your spouse after they showed you their true colours. The first few months after d-day was hyper / trauma bonding and we were closer than we ever had been but that was short lived and has worn off and as much as I want to feel that blissfully and naively in love I just don’t feel like we’re a team anymore not like we were.

Lots of hugs back to you!!

Lonely - I like the way you phrase that, accepting defeat maybe I’ve put too much pressure on having to be courageous or bold etc and actually it’s just accepting that state of the relationship. I need my courage though to actually be able voice it. I need that braveness to be comfortable with being uncomfortable by having a difficult conversation and seeing his take on things and actually talking about the health of this relationship.

I think I’m afraid of the consequences of that conversation that it might lead to us separating and maybe I either don’t want that deep down or I’m not ready to face the feelings that come with a break up even if it’s for the best long term.

I think I’m scared of making the wrong decision (as if the universe will punish me for choosing a particular path).

Interesting that you’re still dating after divorce! Fair play to you and shows when you both do the work and heal solely for yourselves it can bring you closer.

Accepting defeat? Finding the solution that is better for you is a victory!

And yeah, there's no guarantee we will ever make the right decision. Life is risky. Not deciding to leave is deciding to stay, though, and that could be a mistake, too. If you're not ready to decide, so be it - but look inside to figure out what you're waiting to know.

My accepting defeat comment was how I felt at the time - not now - I'm talking about when I was staying and finally decided to let it go. But whatever term you need - and I think defeat is a bit of an appropriate term for how I felt about it - I was trying to save the marriage - save the relationship - and I felt like somehow I had lost when I finally let it go - like I was giving up. The affair had "defeated" what had been "us." Defeat. Destroy. The end.

Why did it feel like defeat back then to me - because of the consequences that came. Because of this:

I think I’m afraid of the consequences of that conversation that it might lead to us separating and maybe I either don’t want that deep down or I’m not ready to face the feelings that come with a break up even if it’s for the best long term.

So ask yourself this: Who IS ready for the feelings that come with a breakup when you really wish it had worked out? I mean if you are the breaker-upper - if you are ready to leave, it's easier for sure. But if you don't want to - either because you long for what you thought/wished/hoped you had, or if you feel something your partner is doing is too much to take - who is ready for that? And, there really is no great time for it.

I echo so many on this site who will tell you one of their big regrets is not ripping off that bandage sooner...if I could have known how this all would play out for me I would have given WH about 2 weeks to make moves to start figuring out his shit. All the rest of the 2 years that it went on after that was just pain and misery for ME. In hindsight it all seems so clear what a waste of MY time giving my WH chance after chance was. It's funny but so many of us when we are new on this site really do fear the consequence of doing what I did - yet when faced with the fear of losing the relationship, they stay. Oh hindsight....

My accepting defeat comment was how I felt at the time....

Ah. Now I (think I) see what you were getting at. Thanks for the clarification.

I think that in the beginning leaving or deciding to separate does feel like defeat - in part (for me) because it felt like I was in some sort of competition with the AP, and leaving meant they "won". I know that part of the reason I stayed (for a time) was because I did not want to be the one to leave and just let my WH and AP continue, unencumbered by my being "in the way." Oh yeah, all this sounds so f-ed up when I type it out now, but honestly I know that was part of it - not wanting them to "win".

Now - I don't feel that way at all. But back then, when things were fresher and newer I was caught up in all kinds of mental gymnastics.