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It has been almost 9 months since DDay. In January I found out WH had a 2 year long affair and had refused to end when I asked. Fast forward it's August and he came in one day with some clothes, shoes, etc and said he ended that relationship. I really don't know if he did or not and I can't trust him. We been getting along mostly but I think I have to make the decision to divorce. Fear is keeping me from doing it and we have 2 kids also financial reasons so I'm hoping to find out how to cover the costs of divorce

Have you read some of the fear v reality thread at the top of the forum? You'll find that many of us struggled with a fear of D. It took me 18 months to get there.

Have you been to see a lawyer or several for a consultation?If you think your WH won't fight over things, mediation may be an option. Ask the lawyer if there are things you can do yourself to help keep costs down.

One way is through knowledge. Knowledge is power.

See lawyers to learn what your financial picture would look like— not what you think it will, or fear it will - but the law and divorce will provide.
Evaluate your resources and abilities. Do you have a job in addition to mom? What options are there to increase your income?

You may find that you need more time- time to get your ducks in a row. That is fine. But work toward that, don’t settle.

Are you in IC? What else has your WH done other than bring him clothes from his APs? ( )

I’m sorry you are facing this awful situation.

In reality it appears as though your H s sweeping things under the rug, unless you are trying to Reconcile and he’s making an effort to be open and honest with you.

Right now - I hope you are asking for things that you need from him. If not, that might be a good place to start.

If he believes you will just continue to accept him and let this go, my experience has been it makes it easier for them to cheat again. Why did he come home with clothes? Is it because he really loves you and admitted he made a mistake OR did he just get tired of the OW?

I would suggest individual counseling for you to figure out what you need to heal from this situation and trauma.

A husband who refuses to be open and honest is not really making your marriage improve.

Being prepared can help mitigate some of the fear.know what you want, what you absolutely refuse to compromise on, and get a good attorney who will fight for what is best for you. Nothing will truly take away all the fear. The unknown is always scary. You just have to plot a course and stick with it.

A couple of points:
You probably don’t realize it but his behavior towards you is emotional abuse.
Where is the abuse? In the way he openly has an affair with this other woman, leaves, remains in a relationship with you and then returns as if nothing happened. You, your emotions and well-being are a non-issue to him.
Being in constant and/or regular abuse affects you, your sense of value and worth. The abuse dominates and controls you.

You need to find the strength to realize you have options. One being to remain where you are – in the abusive relationship. Not a good option, but by doing nothing you ARE choosing that option.
Other options are based on you REFUSING to remain in abuse. That can be a demand that he change his behavior in a permanent and accountable manner, or that can be that you remove yourself from the abusive relationship.

IMHO your first step is there and that: Deciding if you want to remain abused – a victim – or if you want to get out of abuse – a survivor.
On how to file or fear of filing... Your best tool there is information. It’s a well-known process. If you have the resources consult with an attorney or even a friend who could guide you on the next steps. If you feel alone (a typical situation for sufferers of domestic abuse) then look for a local help-line or abuse support center. These places deal with situations like yours and can offer so much support and guidance.

First of all (((((hugs)))).

Now on with the work. Get on line and research divorce law in your state. I'm not saying you need to start reading law books. Look for websites that answer simple questions and then come up with a list of what else you need to know that fits your situation. Then gather all your financial information, including accounts, debts, credit card balances and the cost estimates of what you need to live on.

Armed with what you know, make appointments for free consultations with divorce attorneys to gather more info. When you are ready to pull the trigger, and want to hire one, they will likely want a retainer. The more work you do on your own behalf, the less work they have to do and the further your retainer will go. Things like subpoenaing credit card info will cost you if your attorney does it. But you can probably access that info before you file if you are listed on the accounts, and do that work for your attorney.

As someone else said, knowledge is power. It is also confidence. It will take the fear out of making the decision to divorce. When I did this and found out my husband bought me, his mistress and his mistress's best friend (who he also screwed) the same sweater for Christmas just in different colors using our credit card account, you better believe I was empowered. I filed and my life is exponentially better.