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Were you able to fully recommit to the marriage without any reservations? Or is there something small in the back of your mind that keeps you from doing so?

As I'm sure many others have said, my wife was the last person on Earth I thought would do something that could potentially destroy our relationship and rip the heart out of my chest at the risk of sounding dramatic.

When she could finally admit the truth that she knew I would be upset if I found out but didn't think I would be this upset I looked at her wondering if you knew that what you were doing would upset me how was that not enough to make you stop let alone stop it from happening in the first place?

These days I look at my wife with a totally different set of eyes. Our MC has said that our old relationship is gone and we are now building a brand new relationship but would you knowingly build a new relationship with someone who you now know has the ability to rip your heart out? I understand anybody at any point in a relationship has the ability to do so but our morals and standards keep us from doing so.

If you met somebody new and on the first few dates he or she says they cheated on their former spouse and destroyed the marriage would that not make you wonder if you want to continue dating this person?

These are the thoughts that occupy my brain these days

There are a lot of practical reasons why I wanted to R with my H. Money, kids, family. But the reasons it worked is because he owned it, he was remorseful, he was ashamed, he hated what he had done to me and to himself, and he was willing to walk through the fire of recovery with me with honesty, transparency, and vulnerability. We were already in MC when he confessed, and had been for a couple of months, so we already had a few tools in the belt to help us along, thank god.

I decided to jump in the deep end and trust him not to cheat on me again, and to trust myself to discern if my trust in him was misplaced. I don't know, I just really felt him, finally. My gut was on board with R.

If you met somebody new and on the first few dates he or she says they cheated on their former spouse and destroyed the marriage would that not make you wonder if you want to continue dating this person?

I'm big on people owning their stuff. To me, the honesty would probably be attractive, as long as they learned and grew from it and understood the gravity of what they had done to themselves and to their partner.

Our MC has said that our old relationship is gone and we are now building a brand new relationship but would you knowingly build a new relationship with someone who you now know has the ability to rip your heart out?

That’s a fair way to describe it.

I described my pain to my wife as if she had sliced my chest open, dropped in a grenade, closed it up and then detonated the grenade. My heart was obliterated.

I suppose it wouldn’t have hurt as much if I didn’t love her.

So that’s your question — can you make peace with the person who ripped your heart out?

It ain’t easy.

My wife had to become someone who didn’t want to ditch her own standards anymore — she had to become someone who understood the devastation she caused and be a safe partner who turns toward the M under duress instead of away from it.

I gave her that last shot, and she has taken it.

I’m different, she is very different and we built something worthy of me (and her) sticking it out.

As of today, 8+ years later, I have no reservations, I’m all in.

Something powerful about choosing each other each day and going from there.

I’ll always hate the A. No reason for me to think otherwise.

However, I do appreciate a healed up, stronger version of my wife.

We don’t owe our spouses a last chance, we don’t.

Once I understood I would be fine with or without the M, that’s finally when I started helping my wife rebuild this thing. I’m glad I did.

Were you able to fully recommit to the marriage without any reservations? Or is there something small in the back of your mind that keeps you from doing so?

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If you met somebody new and on the first few dates he or she says they cheated on their former spouse and destroyed the marriage would that not make you wonder if you want to continue dating this person?

No, I have reservations. I'm just fine with that. It's not something in the back of my mind. It is explicit and spoken out loud. Marriage 2.0 is as long as it makes sense and I want to keep doing it. A positive decision every day.

Yes. If I started dating someone and they told me they cheated, I'd want to figure out if they learned their lesson. If they say it up front, perhaps they have a good reason to know honesty is better (now). An unreformed cheater is much more likely to just not tell you they cheated. If they cheated more than once, to the curb. If they can't explain how they grew and changed, to the curb. One hint of blame shifting, to the curb.

If you met somebody new and on the first few dates he or she says they cheated on their former spouse and destroyed the marriage would that not make you wonder if you want to continue dating this person?

It depends on the context.

If the person said "I cheated on my wife or partner and it ended the marriage or relationship " I would need to know how they felt about it.

If they blamed the BS I would have to get up from the table. Date over.

If they admitted it was a terrible mistake I might consider a second date.

I would have to weigh whether they really learned from the experience or not.

Good Qs

For me I'm just getting comfortable again after 2 years. I have fully committed to building a new marriage, which is progressing and is a work in progress, it is different from M1.0. I trust her mostly but as you said ripping ones heart out is so traumatic they don't even realise the damage their "fun" does to those they claim to love...in my case it was an exit affair with many other complex issues.

If I was on the dating scene, I'd politely decline a second date with someone who had an affair and destroyed their marriage. I respect myself and time much more now.

Be well
Salty

Before committing to R, with every issue that came up, I asked myself, 'Is this a deal killer?' The answer was always 'No,' and I worked with my W to resolve issue after issue. After resolving a lot of conflicts, I decided we'd continue to resolve issues, so I committed to R - but it's impossible not to know that D is available if we encounter an issue that we can't or won't resolve.

I'm committed to our M, but not to the extent of emotional suicide.

Dating ... I'd ask about responsibility, and if I liked the answers, I'd asked what my date did to change from cheater to good partner.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:25 PM, Friday, September 27th]

Were you able to fully recommit to the marriage without any reservations? Or is there something small in the back of your mind that keeps you from doing so?

No. It isn’t "small" or "back of mind" either. Front and center and big as a dead elephant’s rotting corpse.

I look at it as something akin to buying a car with a salvage title that has been flooded. It may look good, it may run good but no matter how hard I try, there is always the faint smell of rotting dead fish I can never get rid of.

These days I look at my wife with a totally different set of eyes. Our MC has said that our old relationship is gone and we are now building a brand new relationship but would you knowingly build a new relationship with someone who you now know has the ability to rip your heart out? I understand anybody at any point in a relationship has the ability to do so but our morals and standards keep us from doing so.

If you met somebody new and on the first few dates he or she says they cheated on their former spouse and destroyed the marriage would that not make you wonder if you want to continue dating this person?

IMO, "the old relationship is gone and we are building a brand new relationship" is an oversimplification of the scenario. You can say "Marriage 1.0 and Marriage 2.0" and all of those things but the reality is the first marriage or the old relationship are really the only reason we would consider Marriage 2.0 or a "brand new relationship" in the first place. For me, that is 40+ years of history, 2 adult children, 5 grandchildren and significant financial assets. THAT is what even gives me the slightest interest in continuing this relationship (and despite the "tags" we put on it, THAT is what we are truly deciding to do here).

On another Infidelity site I am on your question about "would you date a cheater" came up in a forum dedicated solely to betrayed men. This is without your additional caveat of "having destroyed the marriage". The results were about 90% "Hell No" without qualifications. I answered "No, but I AM still married to one". Everyone chuckled and said "yeah, me too". So if we wouldn’t date a cheater, why are we still married to one and trying to "build a brand new relationship" with them? Because of the "history", the intertwined lives, the sunk cost fallacy or whatever. You can SAY the old relationship is gone, but its "ghost" or whatever is the main reason many of us are even considering CONTINUING a relationship with this person despite the labels we put on it.

Staying for the children, staying for the family, staying for financial reasons, staying because we think it’s "easier" or whatever are all still valid reasons. We just have to understand (and accept) "Marriage 2.0" may not be fully attainable OR for some of us, it may be "Roommates with Benefits" is as good as it’s going to get. For me, these are the things I am grappling with because I just don’t see a path to a "better" relationship with someone who ripped my heart out, lit it on fire then pissed on it to put the fire out. Your mileage may vary……

Imachump - thank you!

"So if we wouldn’t date a cheater, why are we still married to one and trying to "build a brand new relationship" with them? Because of the "history", the intertwined lives, the sunk cost fallacy or whatever. You can SAY the old relationship is gone, but its "ghost" or whatever is the main reason many of us are even considering CONTINUING a relationship with this person despite the labels we put on it."

This has put into words what I have felt since the beginning. Like I get it’s marriage 2.0 but to me I can’t let go of the first one. I know the affair has destroyed it but there was a lot of good and I don’t want to forget that.

GREAT POST!

Yeah, we’re on "second marriage" and it sucks. Full of reservations.

No, I don’t forgive him. He blames me for months and months. It’s his fall-back. He was trying "to get out of pain." I asked if I should perhaps try to get out of MY pain by f’ing someone else.

He can’t express his sorrow or great well. "I already told you that" is his favorite sentence. Most of the time he just sits there, eyes closed, scratching his bald head.

I don’t respect him. I often don’t like him. All the counseling we’ve had, they give him the "good guy" pass. In all other things, he’s a good guy! He even uses it as his excuse for maintaining contact with her! "Trying to let her go gently…" FOR 2-1/2 years!

My IC says he’ll never get it because he’s not capable or doesn’t want to.

He just wants me to forget and move forward. Not "live in the past." Like, I only caught him again contacting her a few months ago.

The same selfishness, entitlement and compartmentalization that got him into this mess are the same reasons he can’t get out: Nothing is his fault, he’s full of self-pity, and he can’t even admit he’s been a bad husband!

The question is valid: I wouldn’t marry someone who had cheated on his previous wife, much less justified it. (And I’ve told him that other women might not want to either.) But here we are.

I have too much admiration for some of the former waywards in this community to blanket state that I would never date someone who has had an affair. If they took their journey thru hell and learned from it, they could be an absolute diamond in the rough. But like was already said, any blame shifting, even a hint of playing the victim and I’d just have to stand up and leave.

I have recommitted to my marriage, but it will never be the same. I look at it as more of a contractual relationship now based on shared goals and history. Although I love my husband, I will never see him with the same amount of passion and admiration I once did. In other words my needs and expectations of my marriage completely changed and that’s okay. At my age it serves me well. Would I ever date a former cheater? Hmm…. Likely not unless he has endless amounts of money and I’d do so with a protect your heart but have fun attitude.

Were you able to fully recommit to the marriage without any reservations?

Yes, fully committed to the new marriage, but with a different set of standards. Will absolutely walk if her commitment wavers.

I’m a better spouse now, too. Things she did that I didn’t like, I am careful not to do. I don’t want my wife staying married to me out of guilt or expediency. Life is too short to spend it extracting satisfaction from someone else’s pain and suffering, in being an asshole, in short.