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Started with the kitchen to reclaim it from the cluttered mess it was. He just liked everything on the kitchen benches, I like bare surfaces with only things like the kettle and toaster on display. Bought myself a cute set.

The packing of his things is for my benefit, so I don't have to look at them and be reminded of memories. It's good of me, right, to wrap glasses and plates and coffee cups and put them in moving boxes.

I've decided that as he has not taken any accountability or apologised for or admitted to what he's done - that the boxes will not be labelled with contents, and any matching anything (shoes, cutlery, for example) will not be packed in the same box. They'll be spread out throughout all the unlabelled boxes.

Just think of it like those mystery boxes with cosmetics that you don't know what you're gonna get.

Glad you get to make your space yours again. Why can't you make packing fun? LOL. When I was younger, I used to roll up my socks and put them in my cups & glasses to pad them to keep them from breaking. I'd use my towels to wrap around plates. Reminds me of my teens.

Reclaiming your space is powerful. Rearrange the furniture, add a new rug and some fresh pillows on your bed. Make it feel like YOU.

And yeah, think of the fun he’ll have unpacking.

After you are finished packing each box, launch it at the nearest wall. It’ll help settle the contents neatly.

I've decided that as he has not taken any accountability or apologised for or admitted to what he's done - that the boxes will not be labelled with contents, and any matching anything (shoes, cutlery, for example) will not be packed in the same box. They'll be spread out throughout all the unlabelled boxes.

As someone who both hates packing and unpacking, and has trouble finding things, sorting through these boxes is how I imagine Hell.

PinkBerry, I can't think of any revenge that could top this.

I continue to pack his things and feel like I’m getting somewhere now.

Almost 3 weeks ago I mailed him some paperwork he needed to be able to advertise and sell something.

This morning I get a text ‘thank you for sending the paperwork’.

Hmmmmm. Is this a hoovering attempt? I didn’t respond.

You are far kinder than I am. I did pack his breakables in bubble wrap and box them, but everything else went in a pile on the garage floor, and I mean everything - shoes, clothes, socks, towels, blankets, books, tools, everything. A pile that I lasagna-style layered with ultra fine holographic glitter. A 5 lb tub of it. Best $75 I ever spent

EllieKMAS I like the way you work.

My ulterior motive is that I don't want him lingering around my home - as soon as he has a new place and can move, I want the stuff gone in one day. Either I would have to hover around the removal company while they packed his stuff (whose coffee cup, whose books etc), or him skulking around my home.

So to get around that - Here's your packed things I prepared earlier.

EllieKMas is awesome with her responses. Glitter is great because it gets over everything.

He still hasn't taken his stuff, and I continue to pack it. He hasn't found anywhere to live yet, so he's started paying me storage fees.

We communicate sporadically about practical stuff - bank accounts, who is paying for which insurance etc, and for the past few weeks they have been civil. The texts aren't often, sometimes a couple of weeks in between.

Once upon a time if I saw his name come up in a message notification on my phone I would have been giddy with excitement....Now I look at the notification with apprehension. I hope that's a sign of my emotions knocking that pedestal out from underneath him.

After we separated, when I still had to talk to mine to discuss divorce logistics, I changed his name in my phone to 'Idiot Cheating Fucking Arsehole' (I didn't have any other 'I' names so no chance of accidental dial), and changed his photo to a dog turd. It helped me every time he would text or call to remind me who I was dealing with. Added bonus that it made me laugh

@ EllieKMAS.

Sometimes I feel myself softening towards him, I tend to move on from things relatively quickly. It's like the grudge part of me can't be bothered with holding that grudge for too long. This is probably good from a health point of view, but not good from a reality point of view as far as what the wrongdoer has done to me. Too easily forgiven.

THEN I remind myself of his total disrespect to me, multiple times over the years. The only difference this time is that I was given undeniable proof, and the hospital told me he had a personality disorder. I think they were trying to give me the heads-up about him. Even if it was accidental in giving me that information, the universe saw to it that I was given the full picture about him.

If they mentioned he had a personality disorder, please look up how to recover from that personality disorder's abuse. My XWH is a diagnosed covert narc and Dr. Ramani has a ton of YouTube videos on psychopath, sociopath or NPD abuse. It really can be helpful.

Leafields, yes I do watch the Dr Ramani youtubes and podcasts.

The hospital told me he has borderline personality disorder. But the more I learn, I'm pretty sure there are covert narc tendencies as well.

If he’s paying you for storage – have you considered simply renting storage space in his name and maybe paying the first 1-3 months? Let him know where, what cost and when he needs to assume payments.
To me the present situation sounds a bit like you might have something stuck between your teeth. It’s so small but you are regularly reminded it’s there, and if you don’t floss and brush chances are it will eventually start stinking. I think removing one more reason he has to be in contact – and therefore in your mind – can be well worth it.

Hi Bigger - I always value your straight-forward advice.

It's ok for now as it gives me longer to save up for replacement items and furniture.

He sent me a couple of novels via text yesterday saying he will always want me in his life and misses my cuddles, could he call me and could we talk?

I replied that taking accountability for the cheating would be a good start to building bridges. No reply.

I don't want to get back together with him, so it that's a hoovering attempt he's barking up the wrong tree.

What I'm struggling with today is that I will never get a lightbulb-moment apology from him. I deserved an apology. He either cannot see that he's done anything wrong or he can see and just refuses to apologise. Both of those are sick.

That is the thing about a relationship with a 'disordered' person: learning to accept that your needs cannot ever be met by this person, due to their fundamentally flawed approach to life. Since we cannot see the mental disorder but can only feel its effects, it can take years to give up the last shred of hope in their ability to make some simple changes. Truly difficult! Hang tough.

Thanks, Superesse. For putting it so succinctly.

It really is expecting rational behaviour and thinking from irrational behaviour and thinking.

As it was only revealed to me a couple of months ago, I’m still getting my head around it. On top of betrayal and the last 5 years of the damage it has done.

It has become clear that his behaviour and responses when things aren’t going his way are so child-like.