SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I come across your post on reddit, tried to reach out but presume it was all too much.

I wouldn't want to reconcile if I were in your shoes but understand why you are considering it.

I must say, don't fall into a long period of indecision, people have lost years of their life this way. Make a plan (whatever it maybe) stick to it and you will find comfort in the progress of seeing said plan in action.

Love some feedback if I am wrong here. More of a venting session than anything else. But if I am in the wrong, I’d like to know why.

I had my knee surgery on Wednesday. She went through my phone while I was out cold in surgery behind my back. She saw that I told one of her friends (our friend) and that I reached out to the other BS once during the holidays to see how she was doing with them.i told my WW I would not reach out to her anymore because at the time I thought it was doing more harm than good. I was having a very hard time at Thanksgiving and wanted to check in on her. The text was a very short message to her and the same back.

She asked me who else I told and I told her. She has the audacity to put this on me and be pissed off at me right now. I told her I had the right to tell anyone I wanted to, that I could post what she did all over social media if I wanted to. It was her decision to cheat on me and have an affair. I can’t believe she completely broke my trust again by going through my phone while I was under anesthesia. If she had asked me I think would’ve told her. During Thanksgiving I was more sad than I’ve been since it happened. Right now I’m as angry as I was when it happened.

Additionally- the MC is a waste of time and I told her that. Most of what we are working on is communication. She had been off since Sunday night, after having a good weekend. I asked her that night what was going on and she said she didn’t want to talk about it. I asked her again Monday and she again said she wasn’t ready to talk about it. So she chose to not talk about it and go through my phone while I was in surgery.

Unknown, your situation sucks eggs, big time. I see you. You are getting stronger. Keep going.

Typical cheater behavior.

Blame the betrayed spouse for telling anyone

Blame the betrayed spouse for the affair

Remain unwilling to talk about anything

You are not in reconciliation and I’d suggest you stop marriage counseling. You need your own counselor. Once you are healed from your surgery you need to read up in the 180 too.

So sorry for you. She’s a piece of work 😡

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:21 AM, Monday, December 16th]

Stonewalling. Blame shifting. Victim playing.

🚩🚩🚩

Sorry, brother, these are all typical but terrible signs.

Her going thru your phone while under anesthesia, that doesn’t sound typical to me. While I believe in transparency both ways, that seems like a particularly cowardly and avoidant way to approach that.

I agree that you should stop MC that focuses on communication. It shows a complete misunderstanding by the counselor on the nature of the betrayal. If the MC is not acting as a helpful facilitator of affair processing, it will be at best a waste of time.

Sorry, friend. I hope your knee recovery goes well. I had a knee surgery in my 20’s and I still remember how much recovery hurt.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 12:02 AM, Monday, December 16th]

I have been quietly following your journey through the infidelity Hell but am posting for the first time.

A few weeks ago you posted this:

My WS continues to do her best

Given your most recent post:

She has the audacity to put this on me and be pissed off at me right now.

This isn't a WS doing her best. It is far from it.

Hope you are recovering physically sir. Ive had mutiple hospital stays in recent years with rehad following and its no party. To this:

She has the audacity to put this on me and be pissed off at me right now.

I say, at least you know where your WS really stands, which is nowhere. Shes still in cya land, putting herself first, trying to dump guilt and shame on you. What a sad joke. As I read other's accurate responses, shes completely unaware of the fact that she is just the epitome of an unremorseful WS.

I know its a bad time to have to deal with this during your physical recovery, but you have some hard choices to make. My advice is to not linger in no mans land and that if she doesnt "get it" by now, chances are she never will.

Strength and healing to you (on all fronts).

My best to you.

Having had two knee replacements on my right knee... the first replacement in 2009 and the second replacement in 2010, which was to correct the first replacement.. I completely understand the physical pain you are experiencing.

The heartbreak pain to your soul you are also experiencing is just as bad if not worse, I am sure.

My prayers are with you. Godspeed with your recovery on both.

You have so little to work with here, and I think you’re starting to see that as well. I’d advise considering a physical separation, and to consider starting a formal separation agreement. Tell her you need this for your healing, and it’s the only way possible to even consider a future shot at reconciliation. She needs this to get real, and it’s also helpful to see how she reacts to this: with humility or with anger. My guess is with anger.

Also consider telling her you need a D and, based on how she treats you in the D, you may consider working on a new relationship afterwards (with her demoted to GF status at best). She needs consequences - not as an act of vengeance but instead to see if there’s any remote chance such will bring her to remorse - assuming you’re still hoping for R.

I’m sorry OP you’re dealing with knee surgery on top of this 💩 sammich 😖

Thank you all for your feedback here. Just wanted to make sure I wasn’t going crazy(er). As far as this:

A few weeks ago you posted this:

My WS continues to do her best

Given your most recent post:

She has the audacity to put this on me and be pissed off at me right now.

Up to this point I thought she was trying her best. This recent act proved to me just how wrong I was. Maybe I was living in my own fantasy world and this was the wake up call.

The worst part is being stuck at home with nowhere to go. And I know my recovery is going to be way behind because I don’t want her doing a thing for me. I’m cooking my own meals, doing my own laundry, getting out for water and meds when I need them, etc…. My own stubbornness right now is probably not a good thing, but it’s where I am.

The question for me is, what was she looking for?

I suspect she was looking for truth.

Do you love her?

Do you hate her?

Do you have a plan?

Who are you telling, and what are you telling them?

Her future is also hanging in the balance. Not surprising she would look for a "heads up."

Just another voice telling you that you’re not crazy or wrong. I’d be beyond pissed at the new developments.

Ultimately, this is a good thing. There’s no wondering about where her true feelings on this lie. It’s not with you and your hurt, it’s with her own concern for herself.
Ditch the marriage counseling. It’s way way too soon for that anyway. If you even decide to continue on staying with her, she’d need to be in IC for quite awhile before any MC would be useful.

I am so sorry Friend.

I am really seeing that w almost ALL R attempts involving a BH, what is really happening is that the BH is "weaning himself off" his WW as he comes to feel in his bones how toxic his WW really is. What always concerns me is that bad R attempts are like Lay's potato chips--you can't have just one. I am hoping you get the talons of the evil shrew-lady out of your back soon. Onward and upward!

I am really seeing that w almost ALL R attempts involving a BH, what is really happening is that the BH is "weaning himself off" his WW as he comes to feel in his bones how toxic his WW really is.

Very interesting. I would broaden it to say, "ALL betrayed should immediately start ‘weaning themselves’ off of their adulterous spouses, and, for any who might be disposed to consider a potential R, do nothing but observe the actions of the betrayer, and IF they see solid & consistent evidence of authentic remorse (where the focus is on the betrayed, not on the betrayer, like merely regretting the embarrassment of exposure), then perhaps consider moving forward with R with specific conditions & new boundaries, but if no evidence of remorse, continue on the path to permanent separation".

I fully agree & understand the betrayed are so shell-shocked it’s near impossible to think rationally, and instinctively cling to the relationship, seeking to get things "back to normal" asap, which of course serves them poorly, by rug-sweeping or worse….

Yeah I agree, there was no need for the 'almost' modifier in my "almost ALL" in my post #213 just above. I do agree that the Bh's early attempts at R, such as (egads!) MC are a complete waste of time. But I digress.

OP, there are two issues here. The first (in no particular order that is) is your WW not accepting that your friends finding out about her affair is just part of the consequences of her actions. This and you reaching out to OBS. Yeah it does suck that you may end up confiding in another woman about the state of your marriage to WW, but thems unfortunately the breaks for WW. The second is your WW VIOLATING YOUR PRIVACY and going through your phone--when you were knocked out from your surgery!

Oh wait, there is actually a THIRD issue here. WHY for the love of Peter were you **ever** in MC??????? This presupposes that YOU are in some way sharing the blame for your WW's cheating if nothing else. Stop this ASAP!

I'm something of a knee surgery recovery expert (having been through it multiple times). I like it so much, I'm having another surgery shortly.

The sooner you can move around on your own, the better. Range of motion is more important than strength, but putting as much weight as you can tolerate on it as soon as you can is good for recovery.

I don't mean to solicit but the "freeze sleeve" and similar products are amazing.

You are currently still in the "informational war" phase of getting out of infidelity.

You are completely right that you telling the truth to whomever you want is completely reasonable.

Whatever support you need or can get in real life is better than what we can do here on the forum as internet strangers.

What I see is your wife is still trying to get or maintain the upper hand informationally. You really can't trust her at this moment in time. Gray rock / 180 is my current advice.