SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am really, really struggling with staying sane and not going ballistic during this divorce process. I've filed, I was the breadwinner, and now my STBXH is saying I'm ruining his life, trying to screw him in the divorce, etc. It's intolerable. I find myself engaging in lengthy, nasty text exchanges with him, and then feel all wound up, rageful and resentful. I really, really wish he would just go away. I am trying so hard to take the high ground, and be the adult in this process, but it's really difficult after all the wrongs heaped upon me.

I'd say let the lawyers deal with it, but he hasn't even engaged a lawyer yet. I feel like he's trying to stonewall this process, because he now realizes the reality of his situation....he's literally screwed the pooch. He's going to have to get a real job to support himself, find a place where he can take the kids (if he wants custody), etc., etc. I've always been the fixer and the over-functioner, and apparently now that he doesn't have that, he simply can't function. In addition, his mother stows up announced at my house and I want nothing to do with her either, despite her being Granny to my kids.

I guess I'm just looking for a space to rant versus any real advice. I know I should take the high road for my kids, preserve my dignity to get through this without looking like a crazy, revengeful person...BUT.

He says: "I cheated. I made a mistake. God forbid your kids every make a mistake with how you're acting." !!!!

Vent away. There's also a thread for posting to stay no contact, too.

I cheated. I made a mistake.

A mistake is forgetting to grab a gallon of milk at the store. Cheating is making hundreds of thousands of conscious decisions to betray.

I feel like he's trying to stonewall this process, because he now realizes the reality of his situation

It sounds like you're spot-on, and he's throwing his little temper tantrum to make you miserable.

Is there a way to start using a parenting app instead of your cell phone for communication?

Oh that is just Awful. What strikes me is the Mom-baby dynamic with him. Like he somehow thinks everything his little sh## pants does will alll be foogiven by every woman who will always be, to him, another tit to suck on. Wish I could offer you some better advice, but no more texting and a strong letter from your lawyer might be the next step? I know you want to get through this with minimal drama but not sure how that will work with a man boy who has a ton of growing up to do. Sorry.

I’m sorry your man-child is inflicting more pain onto you.

Clearly he thought he could control the situation and now he’s realizing his "charm and fake apologies" no longer work.

I would stop engaging in a text "conversation" with him. You don’t know how it could come back to hurt you during the D proceedings. If he wants to poke the bear, ignore him. If he wants to rant or rage at you, let him.

Your silence will eventually send a message that he’s no longer your problem and he’s not going to get a response from you.

If he texts, tell him to engage an attorney to make this process reach its end sooner. That is the only thing you should be saying. Keep repeating the same line - this is best left to our attorneys to deal with.

Read up on gray rock - save your sanity by not engaging with him any longer.

I know it is hard, but try to keep thinking of your D as a business transaction. Anytime you feel emotions leading the interaction, step away and regroup.

I found it was best to never 'knee-jerk' respond to my ex's texts. I was able to deal with it much better if I waiting (and sometimes ran here to vent first)

my STBXH is saying I'm ruining his life, trying to screw him in the divorce, etc. It's intolerable.

Looks from a business transaction standpoint; none of that requires a response to him. Ignore and do not respond.

but it's really difficult after all the wrongs heaped upon me

That is just his next step because he knows he is losing control. Ignore the accused lies, etc. It is all smoke and mirrors being used to throw the spotlight off of him.

I'd say let the lawyers deal with it, but he hasn't even engaged a lawyer yet.

Not your problem. My ex never lawyered up until the day it was finalized. Him not lawyering up does not stop your process. You keep doing you.

his mother stows up announced at my house and I want nothing to do with her either

Boundaries are hard in the early stages. Will she get subtle hints "Oh gosh, things are just crazy with me doing everything solo.....this is not a good time, we are running out but please call me with your schedule so we can set up a time/date for your spend with your grandchildren...." Would something like that work or will it require something more direct?

What really helped me was realizing whatever I did at that stage; sets the precedent. So nip this or she will be popping up in 3 years while your NB is there like she has the right too.

I guess I'm just looking for a space to rant versus any real advice.

SI was a tremendous resource for me during your stage. It took me a long time to realize I did not need to justify everything or anything. And that 'no' is a complete sentence.

He says: "I cheated. I made a mistake. God forbid your kids every make a mistake with how you're acting." !!!

Oh there are no dealbreakers for my children but there are for my marriage.

Silence is still probably a better response though

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 4:53 PM, Monday, August 5th]

When you start to see red, imagine that every text is printed out and put before a judge with you ex calling you unstable.
DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY AMMUNITION. You really have to play the long game here.

Get your anger out in a journal or punch a pillow or take a walk or post here in the No contact thread.

We all understand how you feel - but it can backfire.

Sending strength.

Thanks, all, for all the words of advice. He has since engaged a lawyer. I've backed off and now realize we can let the lawyers deal with it. Very good advice about setting a precedent and trying to take the high ground. I am trying to step away each time he texts and wait before responding.

I realize he is trying to change the narrative here, and no matter how I respond, he's only going to believe his version of events (which, through IC, I'm realizing is not a realistic version). The kids are starting to see the truth of the situation. My DS asked me yesterday, "Why is Dad doing all this stuff he never did before (i.e., take us on trips, etc.)?"

One day at a time!

Waiting to respond is such a good idea. You can always come post on the thread here what you really want to say and then grey rock him in your response to him.

It's going to be hard on your kids, especially if he's playing games :(

How are you doing HopetoHeal?

Thanks for the check-in. I'll be honest, I'm struggling. I think things are progressing, and then I'm down the rabbit hole again.... School has started and I'm faced with the reality of raising these kids, juggling three very different schedules (3 different schools) plus extracurriculars, fixing things around the house, keeping up with a very demanding job...and trying to hold it together. I'm finding sometimes I can't hold it together, and cry in front of the kids. It's inevitable. I just try to say I'm very sad.... Trying so hard not to badmouth by STBX, but it's hard when the kids have all sorts of questions and the AP, whether it's still going on, whether their Dad is going to "fix it." I know he's not. He and the AP are carrying on, and there's talk of her moving to our current city. I try to tell them they'll have to talk to their dad about these things, but he never engages in any meaningful dialogue with them...it's just Disneyland Dad...trying to pack the few times he's taken them with as much "fun" as possible.

Attended the first scrimmage of our DD yesterday, and I could barely make it through...sitting there with STBX standing nearby, laughing with the other parents like nothing was wrong. I get home and find out that he's texting my oldest DS (15) and sending photos of gifts his AP has sent him. He's 53 acting like 14.

Meanwhile, I try to communicate about the kids' schedule, and he responds slow and is very non committal. We've been separated 4+ months, and he's taken the kids on a weeks' vacation and has had them at his house 2-3 times on weekends? My middle son wants nothing to do with him. I'm trying to encourage him to have a relationship with his Dad, but don't want to force it. I have all the kids in counseling, but worry that's not enough.

I know this is a process but this pit of grief is really had to wade through. And, I know the worst of it is yet to come, as we mediate the divorce decree (he's already said it's going to be "war") and then as he settles in with his new relationship. I keep wondering where the bottom is?!

BUT....on the bright side, the more time I'm away from him, the more I realize how bad things were right before I found out. How bad the gaslighting and rejection was. How little respect he had for me and how he badmouthed ME in front of the kids (telling them I overreacted to everything, I was no fun, etc.). I do hear/hope/try to believe that I'll be better off without him when this is all said and done.... I say it and hope to someday truly believe it / feel it...

So sorry you are dealing with this, but keep venting. Keep posting. You are on the right track and doing amazing. Your children will recognize who is the stable, caring parent. It’s traumatic and awful to realize what an immature, self-absorbed, selfish person you’ve been married to, but your path moving forward is bright, he is on a downward path. I might suggest you do not let your WH put you through more hell in the D process as he threatened. Your peace of mind is important enough to hire a good attorney. Think about it. Keep records of when he neglects the children and tries to create animosity toward you. A good attorney can use that information. If you can, go no contact except in writing or text over child and financial matters. He will just try using any contact to be hateful and hurt you. Focus on you and your kids. Good luck.

As fareast said, keep a very detailed record. Of how little he takes them, record every time. Has he helped out with school clothes? Cost of activities?

Make sure you are keeping very detailed records of your schedule, and how much you are spending on the kids, everything right down to groceries.

Don't tell him you're doing this, just keep it quiet so he's blindsided when you go to court.

If it's war than you have to go to war yourself to get as much as you can for you and your kids, because you know he's not going to.

Once him and his honeyhoe are together, they're not going to be in unicorn land anymore, and it probably won't last, then he will realize how good he had it before.

[This message edited by nomudnolotus at 12:44 AM, Tuesday, August 20th]

School has started and I'm faced with the reality of raising these kids, juggling three very different schedules (3 different schools) plus extracurriculars, fixing things around the house, keeping up with a very demanding job...and trying to hold it together.

I am going to share some advice I was given at that point. I was also solo parenting school-age kids so was doing all that running, with home ownership chores, FT job and I had also committed to an accelerated college-degree program. There were no breaks in the school program (constant year-round).
My head was spinning too.

Someone told me to just pretend my ex was dead. Not to wish him dead, but to think of him as dead. Meaning, if he had died, I would be going all those things myself anyways.

It did really help me along the process. Hey - whatever gets us through!

I'm finding sometimes I can't hold it together, and cry in front of the kids. It's inevitable. I just try to say I'm very sad....

I allocated myself 'cry-time'. This was typically in the shower or in bed at time. Sometimes it was random as I was just driving along alone. But that was 'my' time to let that out. So allocate yourself time each day to let this out; then dry those tears and go back to dealing with everything else. It is ok for your children to know you are sad, heck they are too. But it puts them in a position of feeling helpless when you are crying and there is nothing they can do to help.

THIS WILL get better as time goes on (really). You are in the very early stages so give yourself some time and grace to work through the healing process.

@EvenKeel-- I actually HAVE thought of the mind trick of just thinking he was dead, which is really hard to do when I need to maintain contact because of the kids. I will try to employ that more, though.

@nomudnolotus -- Very good idea about keeping detailed records. I think it will definitely help. I am pushing for mediation, so I'm hopeful we don't have to go to court, but we will see how he reacts.

I do find it's getting easier to detach now that I see his true colors coming out. I am trying to get out of the habit of saying "I gave my best years to him" to thinking that I have SOME years to him, but hopefully once I get past this the best years are yet to come!

Thanks again for your support!

You're doing so great HTHS you really are! Your best years are yet to come.

Don't get your hopes too set on meditation to the point that you give up stuff just to settle.

You can always come here and vent, just to give yourself an outlet. This stuff is hard, it will get easier but it's hard right now.

I'd love to hear objective comments on whether I'm being unreasonable in not accommodating my mother-in-law. I have always put up with her (I know she's been on meds for years, for what we thought was depression or anxiety) but not sure if she has any official diagnosis. When she first found out about the affair, she was very harsh with my STBX, but then at some point flipped....saying he was miserable for years in our marriage, that he "had to do it" (i.e., had to have the affair) and that he and his AP were in love after meeting 4 times. (BARF, BTW). She was used to showing up unannounced at my house and I finally asked her to stop. I also told her she could see the kids then they are with their dad (which is very little).

She has resorted to sending me nasty texts, saying I lied to her about not ever "taking the kids away" and not letting them see their grandma. I told her, I'm not "taking the kids away", but would prefer she give me space and coordinate with my STBX. She's lashing out saying I'm bitter, I'm mad, and that I'm hurting the kids.

I want the kids to have a relationship with their grandma, but am I being unreasonable in asking that she coordinate her time with her son and not through me?!? Maybe one silver lining here is that I don't have to deal with her anymore (as she is a lot to handle, on a good day!).

You are spot on in your response to your MIL. She needs to respect your boundaries. You are being reasonable. You are not her family anymore. She can see her grandkids on her son’s time. If she doesn’t get enough time with her grandkids it’s her problem with him, not you. Ignore her texts. If she continues to spew hateful stuff, block her until she can be respectful. Always value yourself! You do not deserve any of this crap. You are the prize. You must protect your own interests. BTW don’t engage or argue with your WH or his family. Be a gray rock and take yourself out of their drama triangle. Take the high road with your kids and don’t bad mouth your WH or family. You are moving on to a much better place. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:17 AM, Thursday, August 22nd]

"I'm sorry you feel that way" needs to become your new mantra.

She is not your responsibility, her relationship with your kids isn't either.

It's your stbxdouche's responsibility.

I would just say "I'm sorry you feel that way, please talk with your son the asshat about scheduling time, at this point in time I feel it's best we not have any discussions any longer" block.

Once she mentioned that "your husband had to do it" that would be the end of any relationship I would have with her for any reason. And I would tell her exactly that too.

Your MIL con coordinate through her son. I stopped seeing or communicating with my monster in law after I left my M.