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Long story short, in reconciliation for a year (going ok) and he has not spoken to her in a year, really since right after d-day. It is truly over, as far as I can tell, although I am still in mild surveillance mode. She (OW) was a bit of a stalker for 4 months after d-day. It has been a few months of her silence so I thought we were in the clear. I think her final messages to him actually showed him how much he did not want any part of this person.

I was feeling ok until now. OW lives 2 towns over so we never would normally run into her. But...she somehow managed to be involved in a golf tournament he was in a few weeks ago and I walked right past her twice. She did not recognize me. This was the first time I had ever seen OW in person, and it rattled me. She’s attractive, I was not expecting that. I was stunned, sad and angry. The good news is that I did not engage. But after the fact I was furious and wanted to scream to everyone that she is a homewrecker. Instead I vented in my journal. I am glad I did not engage, but feel like she got away with this affair and came out unscathed. Walking around an event where she absolutely knew he would be (he plays every tournament here, so she knew). Her arrogance scares me. After d-day, I never confronted OW because I did not want to lower myself or give her any reaction from me. That said, I suspect she’ll pop up again. Has anyone had a situation like this? I am in IC which helps, but I have a new underlying sense of dread. Part of me wants to move, but that is not realistic. I know I cannot control another person, but I still feel this stress affecting me.

[This message edited by canadianfarmgirl at 10:05 PM, Tuesday, July 23rd]

How did your husband react to her appearance at the tournament? How has he tried to comfort you? What suggestions has he come up with for how to avoid or handle potential run-ins with OW in the future, if moving away isn't feasible?

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 7:39 PM, Tuesday, July 23rd]

He never saw her, there were a lot of people there. When I told him he was a little surprised that she would have the audacity and said that it only demonstrates how unintelligent OW is. She is an avid golfer so it was not totally out of character for her to attend something like this. He said we cannot control what another person does, or where they go - all both of us can do is continue to ignore. Unfortunately, this was a public event with over 150 people around, so anyone is allowed to show up, - she was there with a few friends. WH and I decided that reaching out to her or engaging is still is a bad idea, as it would awaken the beast, so we decided to ignore. It just feels unfair and upsetting. I am hoping it is one and done, but I think she will pop up from time to time (at least in the summer).

[This message edited by canadianfarmgirl at 3:16 PM, Wednesday, July 24th]

In looking at ur other posts…did u ever tell the betrayed H? If not, u now need to do this more than ever.

U also say they have known one another 20+ years. How?

Finally, they are both avid golfers. Time for ur spouse to give up the sport. Actions…meet consequences.

Curious as well, did you ever tell her husband? The best way to end an affair (and probably any further contact) would have been exposure to her husband. If he doesn't know, yes, she got away with having an affair with a married man without any consequences.

I agree about giving up golf. My WH was involved in a sport since he was a child. It was his passion. Even though the OW lived across the country and he quit his job, he willingly gave up this sport he had been involved in for almost 4 decades at the time of DD. His focus was on repairing the damage.

The OBS knows. I sent something to him, never heard back but I heard through my channels that he is fully aware and they have just separated. So nothing to do there. As for giving up golf, he will scale back (locally) - we have already discussed this. I guess the bigger issue is that OW is just a really bad person who will always be out there. Maybe I am just not strong enough for any of this.

As a BH myself

OW is just a really bad person who will always be out there

Your H will always be a really bad person to OBS. Even if he changes and becomes someone different. I will never see my WWs APs as anything else. Why scale back? Give it up completely seems reasonable if he is willing to do "anything it takes". Your emotional wellbeing is far more important right?

So sorry that you're going through this.

I have no advice.

I just want to give you a virtual hug.

My guess is that her recent separation has freed her to act as she likes. Attempts at contact might ramp up again.

I completely disagree that he needs to give up golf entirely, but do agree with you that he needs to stop golfing locally and skip the tournaments at that venue. If he doesn't like it, remind him that he F'ed around and now he's finding out.

Thank you everyone for your support. WH agreed on no more local golf. Her recent separation is a bit troubling, as she will likely escalate efforts again. My WH knows that any contact between them = I leave him.

Importantly, some of the people in our friend group now know about her stalking. In other words, people that matter to WH know and think she is terrible. She looks normal, and attractive but the people who matter in his life know better. I am not afraid to speak the truth to people, which for a long time I was afraid to do. Her goal during the A was to break up our marriage and become 'legitimate' with WH. It was 100% her intention and my WH said he was too dumb to see it. I would like to think that her fantasy is over and dead on arrival, but you never know.

All that said, it just sucks because was barely monitoring a few weeks ago and now I feel like I need to have my antenna up again.

Maybe I am just not strong enough for any of this.

First and foremost, strength ≠ willingness to suffer senseless pain and humiliation.

Just as trying to salvage your marriage after cheating doesn't mean you're weak, neither does it mean you're weak if you choose to remove yourself from an intolerable situation.

My WH knows that any contact between them = I leave him.

Be prepared to act on that if it ever comes to pass because it very well might...

Her goal during the A was to break up our marriage and become 'legitimate' with WH. It was 100% her intention and my WH said he was too dumb to see it.

Please don't buy this "I'm just a clueless idiot" act from your WH.

Yes, there are delusional bunny boilers out there, but generally speaking, married cheaters don't cut loose their spouses to go legit with their APs unless their APs led them to believe that they would eventually do the same.

The only dumb person in this scenario is the OW, who believed the sweet words, false promises, and blatant lies that he said during the affair.

Your WH needs to own this 100% and not abdicate responsibility to the OW. She might be a terrible person, everyone you know might agree that she's a terrible person, but your WH's choice to be intimate with this terrible person is a reflection of his own poor character.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:14 PM, Wednesday, July 24th]

BluerThanBlue, you are right. Trust me, he is a terrible person for being with this terrible person. When I spiral about her he also says 'I am the one who did this - it was not just her, it was me.' I still go back and forth on him, and there are days where I just want to leave because building back trust is very very difficult. There are days I think I could just leave, but those are not very often. I am trying to give him a chance. Most days are decent, until something like this crops up.

In terms of her separation, I hope no promises were made, and I don't believe there were any. I saw texts and heard a few conversations and it never seemed like they planned a future. When WH ended things with her, he seemed resolute. I heard the call uncensored (VAR). When he ended things he said that she should work on her own marriage and cease contact.

AP's marriage was already in trouble, they fought all the time and were going to MC. So perhaps she left the marriage because of unhappiness, that is my hope. It is also possible she moved on to another (more willing) AP and finally ended her marriage.

Don’t be disheartened even if you should find out he was telling her he would leave you. Do not forget that affairs are all about lies and fantasy.

Did he think of leaving you? He’d better think about it since he was fuc***g up your marriage. But the decision was not to leave when he clearly had the opportunity, so be happy with the final choice.That is the one that matters.

He didn’t want another wife, he was looking for a wh***.

Fantastic that is a very good point. He says he is very happy in our life now and only wants a future for us. On d-day I repeatedly told him 'get out and go to her if that is what you want' - he did not want the AP. I have asked him relentlessly - 'were you thinking that situation was ever going to be in 'real life' ' and he always says 'not a chance.' I am also now starting to get the sense that she may have a reputation as damaged goods....so maybe that is what he saw her as. And you are right - I believe he was only interested in one thing really. It was fantasy and limerence. She was more the pursuer than he was, I could see that in their text messages and phone calls. When she did not get what she wanted she tried to reach him, but he did not respond. I guess I just don't like the fact that she is 'out there' lurking around....

Her goal during the A was to break up our marriage and become 'legitimate' with WH. It was 100% her intention and my WH said he was too dumb to see it.

Please don't buy this "I'm just a clueless idiot" act from your WH.

While it is definitely 100% his fault that he betrayed CFG, don't discount that some APs are partner poachers and work the hell out of it, and that some WSs stupidly get sucked in. (Pun intended.)

It took a while for my H to see that AP manipulated the shit out of him, and that he gave her the intel to do it. She subtly grilled him about what he was unhappy about with me and what his ideal woman looked like, then made sure she filled those needs and wants. She even dyed her hair to his preferred color. After it was all over, he found out that she had been having a concurrent EA with his coworker, too, and that no, she was not in love with him. She just wanted a man, any man, to take care of her.

candianfarmgirl, it's seems like you're being clear, straightforward, and taking a no-BS approach... which is probably why your WH knows better than to get defensive with you.

The biggest mistake 99% of BSs make--myself included-- is being more invested is reconciliation than their WSs, and trying to save the marriage single-handedly.

So while you might think that you're failing at holding up your end of the reconciliation process, let me just assure you that you are way ahead of the curve. You're letting you husband know what your boundaries and dealbreakers are, and thus far, he is responding appropriately. Hopefully, over time and with consistent action from him, trust will be rebuilt.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 4:54 PM, Wednesday, July 24th]

Thank you Sacred Soul33 - you are completely right. WH is an idiot, but he had to have known that she had a goal of something beyond just physical. I think he was stringing her along so he could have his cake and stay married. It sounds like your WH had the same situation. This AP pursued my WH from Day 1 and would ask my WH all the time, and he would feed her intel on me that she would use. I heard some of their phone calls, she was driving the questions, he was not usually offering up. And you could hear the blatant hope in her voice and how she would drive the dialogue further by leading WH down a very crafty path of manipulation. The only thing that brings me solace is that he dumped her, which hopefully shattered her black heart. At least yours found another partner, who was hopefully not married. How did you get rid of yours before she moved on? Mine is still on the loose.

And thank you Bluer, I am taking it day by day. His actions have been 'good' and he is trying, but not in overly-saccharine way, which I then interpret as being genuine. I am also more focused on myself, so he knows that I am invested in this, but can also walk if I feel he is not doing enough.

I guess I just wish that she would move across the country. It is very unsettling to have this person nearby, especially now that she has nothing to lose.

Thank you Sacred Soul33 - you are completely right. WH is an idiot, but he had to have known that she had a goal of something beyond just physical. I think he was stringing her along so he could have his cake and stay married. It sounds like your WH had the same situation. This AP pursued my WH from Day 1 and would ask my WH all the time, and he would feed her intel on me that she would use. I heard some of their phone calls, she was driving the questions, he was not usually offering up. And you could hear the blatant hope in her voice and how she would drive the dialogue further by leading WH down a very crafty path of manipulation. The only thing that brings me solace is that he dumped her, which hopefully shattered her black heart. At least yours found another partner, who was hopefully not married. How did you get rid of yours before she moved on? Mine is still on the loose.

My H told her up front that he wanted a FWB deal and that he wasn't going to ever leave me. She agreed - to get her foot in the door, and then played the long game which she came pretty close to winning. I'm sure she was stunned and shattered when he sent the NC email.

Her other AP was married, too.

She didn't go away easily. She continued to seek his attention for about a year. What finally stopped her was when H called to arrange a meeting with her. I'm 100% certain that she thought he wanted to rekindle the A, then got the shock of her life when I walked up ten seconds behind him. We had arranged the meeting to tell her that she needed to get tested for an STD, which she most likely gave him. SURPRISE! The attention-seeking stopped. She got married about four years later.

HOWEVER, about ten years post-DDay, a friend of mine was a new BS and was looking at her AP's Pinterest. That got me wondering if our AP had a Pinterest, and holy crow, the stuff I found. 900+ memes about unrequited love. And the dummy was married, and is still married. I know that for sure because her H was with her at last year's company party. Either she's got another AP she's mushy about losing, or she's still pining for my H. Just knowing how hard she fell and how close she came to getting him, my money is on the latter. I wish I'd never found that. It stirred everything up again and caused me to feel like there was still a threat out there, lurking.

Logically, it doesn't matter what the AP does, it's how our WSs respond. That's the healthy way to think about it, and I do subscribe to that line of thinking. I trust my H to not betray me again. It sure is nerve-wracking knowing she's still out there, though, carrying a torch.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 8:19 PM, Thursday, July 25th]

Her goal during the A was to break up our marriage and become 'legitimate' with WH. It was 100% her intention and my WH said he was too dumb to see it.

In my husband's case he was being put under pressure by the POS FB to leave me. She had split up from her husband apparently because he was hitting her, so initially she said she did it for herself, but then, after a year, she started putting pressure on my husband and also their company was giving them incompatible assignments so they had to stop going on business trip together and those were the only opportunities they had to sleep together. He never went on a weekend out or to a dinner with ther when we were both at home, he did not take any risks. So she ended up with the "wet soap effect": have you ever tried to put a lot of strength in your fist to hold a piece of wet soap? What happens when you do so? The more you hold it tight, the more it slips out of your hands! That is exactly what she did! She annoyed him so much, that he started to detach himself from her and re-connected with me. So in a sense, I am grateful the FB became pushy because she actually "broke his toy" and he just came back to me.

He didn't want another wife, he just wanted a relationship without commitment, where he didn't have responsibilities, he wanted a "bubble" in which he could forget he had responsibilities, he just wanted sex, alcohol and no worries and she changed the rules of the game and he just couldn't care less if she wanted him to divorce me. (He never said these exact words, but that is exactly how I see the situation after he told me she really was being pushy.

But this is why I hate the FB POS because she really wanted our family in pieces. And now after she divorced in 2017, she had other relationships, one even with a woman, but then nothing worked and she is still single. She flirts with lots of people, men and women, but in the end she is lonely and not in a long term relationship.

It was fantasy and limerence. She was more the pursuer than he was, I could see that in their text messages and phone calls.

I completely agree. FANTASY AND LIMERENCE, HORMONES...