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So she ended up with the "wet soap effect": have you ever tried to put a lot of strength in your fist to hold a piece of wet soap? What happens when you do so? The more you hold it tight, the more it slips out of your hands! That is exactly what she did! She annoyed him so much, that he started to detach himself from her and re-connected with me.

I love that term! Same thing happened with my H and AP, but with a different slant:

When I separated from H because he refused to end the A, AP was SO HAPPY. She thought she finally had him and couldn't wait to spend time with him out in the open. Problem was, she wasn't respecting that H was distraught because he had just blown up his world. He wanted no contact from both of us so he could figure things out without being pressured. I backed away - for my own wellbeing and because he had asked me to - but her constant calls to take the temperature of the situation pissed him off. She probably doesn't even know to this day that she's the one who fucked herself over.

God, I hope some AP out there isn't reading this and using it as a primer on how not to run off the MM!

Bottom line, desperation isn't attractive. Creeping on your ex isn't attractive. Your AP probably isn't doing herself any favors by showing up at golf tournaments.

Sacred and Fantastic - wow. We all had similar situations. Your stories bring me sanity, and clearly there is a pattern. I do believe that AP's pressure somewhat killed any remote possibility of eventual legitimacy. And now there is a solid track record of her actions that I have told a few people about. Even though she has no idea, is she acts up again I will tell everyone I know in WH's friend circle. At D-Day, WH's logical/immediate choice was me and when AP started to act desperate, I think it may have helped him see what he was dealing with. But it took her acting that way and me pointing out that her behavior was unacceptable for him to finally admit to me that she would not let let it go. (I have SO MANY stories about some of the insane stunts she pulled to try and get back in touch with him). Every time she pulled a stunt, it made me feel like a 'team' as sad as that may sound. I am a little afraid to post the details of her stunts, just in case....but one day I will.

Tobster - that is totally accurate and I completely get it. I bet the OBS hates my WH. I do not blame him at all. In fact, I wish I could have helped him more to tell him that he is a much better human than my WH, but he never responded to me. And I'll always see his wife as a villain too. I hope you are doing ok.

And thankyou Dorothy123....it all helps. You understand.

I have SO MANY stories about some of the insane stunts she pulled to try and get back in touch with him)

Canadianfarmgirl the FB wrote many times to my husband. I read all the messages ( you could tell they were kind of fake, she is flirting with many men!) It was 90% of the time her popping up with "Despite all, I miss you/ thinking of you etc"

And my husband replied many times to her so he was in the wrong, he should have ignored her or blocked her, I am not justifying him. However the FB has had cancer and he felt guilty at ignoring her, plus she was surely, and he admitted it, stroking his ego. But all of a sudden she contacted him with the excuse of informing him a colleague had died and my husband felt he had enough, she shouldn’t have been the one informing him and all of a sudden, he decided to block her. This was after she let him know she had completed her cancer treatments and she is doing great. In fact she has started a new challenging sport activities and doing competitions all the time. My husband probably needed a closure, to know she is doing well with her health.

What a relief to know he’s had enough of her crawling after him. I still cannot believe a woman in her 50s can chase a married man after she has been ditched by him. No self love? 🤷🏼‍♀️

[This message edited by Fantastic at 6:56 PM, Monday, July 29th]

Fantastic: it sounds like your WH is way beyond it. You are lucky. I was not as lucky. When AP was reaching out right after d-day, he was civil and responsive because he was being a nice guy and I think he also sensed there was some anger/instability in the AP, so he was tiptoeing.

She had every intention of trying to reignite their relationship after their 'breakup' (She had a burner phone). I know he eventually blocked her. Still....some days I wonder if I am missing something. I know for a fact that they have not seen one another in person, but for all I know, there may have been some communication that I am not aware of. We have open phone policy etc. I know he would not proactively reach out to her. It's her that I worry about. In the back of my mind, that tiny doubt is the thing that has never really gone away. I have seen no evidence of this, but knowing the lengths that she was going to, you just never know. Its a terrible way to live.

I agree with you. When I saw the POS FB kept writing to my husband I started to think: yes she is a FB but would she really keep writing if he had really built the Berlin Wall around our relationship? If he had never replied or had replied with a CLEAR "Our relationship is over, I am asking you to never contact me in any way ir form", would she really be so without love for herself and without dignity to continue? It was clear to me he had nurtured the conversations too. AND I WASN’T WRONG!

She was always complimenti g him for his career advancement, she was constantly stroking his ego but he was responding very nicely, too, not as a person who wanted her to keep out of the way.

My husband had feelings for me, he wanted our relationship to work but was una le to LLOVE in its highest meaning (respect), TOO SELFISH and wanted ALSO to be someone else’s attention, his ego was too big! I think he has however reached a point where he finds it hard to compliment someone who is out of his life and who has brought so much grief to our family. She is really a FB and flirts with so many men and is a narcissist always seeking people’s attention on social media, where she makes PUBLIC POSTS with no privacy, aged 51, Not 15!!😂

It took my husband more than 4 years ti block her, so calling me “lucky” is quite extreme!

[This message edited by Fantastic at 8:32 PM, Saturday, August 3rd]

Fantastic:: 4 years? You are very patient and I am happy that you are past that part of this situation. Sounds like your WH is like mine: too nice/weak and still responded initially. While I guess I am 'thankful' that my WH appears to have cut off contact with AP, just knowing that AP is 'out there' is unnerving.

I don't think she will ever let go, and I can only assume she is planning her comeback. Logically I know we have no control over her. It is only how our WH responds that matters, so I am going to have to trust him. I believe that WH really does not want to have a relationship with her, but I also fear that she somehow breaks through to him and I miss the signs. She tried some completely insane stunts to try and stay in touch with him after D-Day. I know for a fact that she is a combination of angry/hurt and still harboring feelings. That's a scary combination.

I guess one question to the SI community - should I have confronted her when I saw her and said 'I know who you are - stay out of our lives' or was I right to walk past her? I did not want to give her any part of me, not my voice, not anything! She had already taken so much. But part of me needs to be prepared in case she pops up nearby again. We live in a small town, unfortunately. I hope it never happens again, but given what I know about her...I don't think it is the last I have seen.

I guess one question to the SI community - should I have confronted her when I saw her and said 'I know who you are - stay out of our lives' or was I right to walk past her? I did not want to give her any part of me, not my voice, not anything! She had already taken so much. But part of me needs to be prepared in case she pops up nearby again. We live in a small town, unfortunately. I hope it never happens again, but given what I know about her...I don't think it is the last I have seen.

I think you were absolutely right to walk past her. There's a lot of power in pretending like she's no longer of any consequence. Back in my early days, I used to go to my H's workplace and take him to lunch. It pissed off the AP and I relished the opportunity to mark my territory and get under her skin, and I never, ever acknowledged her presence. I still don't when I see her at company parties.

Now that's not to say that I haven't fantasized about cornering her in the ladies room and giving her a piece of my mind (or my fist) but I find that there's WAY more power in pretending like she's nothing.