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Newest Member: Daughterofthemosthigh

Reconciliation :
Need Advice

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 AdLarue17 (original poster new member #84917) posted at 4:45 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2024

So I’ve been the victim of some trickle truth and it’s put me right back at ground zero. I cannot hardly function. Bad news is I’m supposed to leave for a work conference tomorrow through Sunday. I don’t think I can do it. I feel like I cannot even get out of bed again. So do I lie to get out of it or do I suck it up and go?? I want to get out of it but I hate letting people down. One of my best work colleagues is going and she will be disappointed.

posts: 17   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2024   ·   location: Virginia
id 8841855
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:04 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2024

A 3rd option is to tell your boss what's going on, if you think you might get a sympathetic hearing.

TT can kill R. For me, honesty was the primary requirement. I did everything I could think of to prevent TT. I got none, but I expect that's because my W was truly committed to being honest. Is your WS a good candidate for R?

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 30044   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8841859
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Stillconfused2022 ( member #82457) posted at 9:15 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2024

If you can manage it I would probably try to go. Your spouse’s behavior has stolen enough of your life. I understand of course it will be a hardship and if you truly think it will hurt too much or you might break down in public than maybe give yourself permission for a few mental health days.

posts: 393   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2022   ·   location: Northeast
id 8841896
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BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 11:12 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2024

Weighing a colleague's disappointment against what's best for your mental & emotional health, pick what's best for you.

When you are reeling and devasted, focus on self-care. So, if avoiding the conference helps, then get out of going.

"...lately it's not hurtin' like it did before. Maybe I am learning how to love me more."[Credit to Sam Smith]

posts: 508   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8841905
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redrock ( member #21538) posted at 12:27 AM on Tuesday, July 9th, 2024

I guess it depends on what is best for you.

For me, the distraction of a work conference, which I typically enjoy and learn at, would be a godsend. Compartmentalization may come too easily to me.

But I totally understand the need to deal with it at home, in bed, etc…..

Do what you believe is best for you and don’t get sucked into anything for friendship, loyalty or anything else.

If I told my boss I needed to skip a conference due to a family issue that I could not get into, I would get support. I hope you work in a similar environment.

TT is death by 1000 cuts. I’m so very sorry that you’ve been subjected to more lies. It’s a real punch in the throat.

Take care of yourself.

I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

posts: 3529   ·   registered: Nov. 6th, 2008   ·   location: Michigan
id 8841913
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Jskw458 ( new member #84974) posted at 4:52 PM on Tuesday, July 9th, 2024

I know how you feel, been there before and it’s the worst. Sorry you’re going through this.

For me work was a helpful distraction and the only way I could remain somewhat sane. I did tell a couple of close friends at work which was both helpful to get sympathy and understanding when I wasn’t as engaged as usual and have them check on me from time to time. But in general, I made it a rule to just show up and that alone felt like a mini win each time, and got me through the hardest periods of finding any kind of resemblance of sanity. "Just show up" was my motto for many meetings and a few conferences I had no desire to go to, but once I was there, my mind eventually settled and at times I even found some fulfillment in just showing up, even if my mind was entirely dark.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Jun. 23rd, 2024
id 8841963
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