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Newest Member: Daughterofthemosthigh

Divorce/Separation :
Getting Cold Feet Filing -- Again

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 HopeToHealSoon (original poster new member #84876) posted at 3:30 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2024

Hi All,

This is my first post. I had D-Day April 10 of this year, we separated and I was hoping WS would put forth the effort to reconcile. I found a couples therapist, suggested books, etc. He just never showed up. Booked a few sessions, but he just kept being ambivalent and saying he didn't know what he wanted. After he told the MC that he understood to move forward meant NC, I busted him calling/texting the AP. I asked if he'd be willing to send a text with me right there, saying it was over and asking AP not to contact him, and he said he couldn't right then...it would upset the AP because she was working and "had a lot going on."

After that, I made the decision to proceed with divorce. I have the petition ready to go and am sitting on it. Was planning on filing this week, but am heartbroken about how this will devastate our kids (ages 10, 13 and 14).

I don't think a reconciliation is possible with someone who continues to lie about being NC and someone who shows so little initiative to "do what it takes." He said my demands (full transparency, access to phone, credit cards, Life360 or the like) would mean like living with an ankle monitor on.

Now that we're facing divorce, he's saying he hasn't given up on the marriage.

This just makes filing so hard...thinking I may be overlooking the 1% chance for reconciliation. Any words of advice?

Thanks.

BW, 49 (kids 10, 13, 14) D-Day: April 10, 2024Separated: April 12, 2024Divorce Filed: July 11, 2024 (after STBXH couldn't do NC and continued to lie about A)

"I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become." — Carl Jung

posts: 11   ·   registered: May. 24th, 2024   ·   location: Central Texas
id 8841847
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 4:22 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2024

Now that we're facing divorce, he's saying he hasn't given up on the marriage.

The words of liar are worthless.

What has he done to demonstrate his commitment to the marriage?

Nothing.

Going no contact is the bare minimum to even consider reconciliation... and he can't even do that.

Up until the papers were signed, my ex was telling me that he wanted to get back together and was hoping we could find "a new beginning." But all he did was talk. And the whole time, he was still seeing OW.

Your husband, like my ex, doesn't want to reconcile. He wants to do whatever he wants and stay married.

Stay the course and get out of infidelity.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 4:23 PM, Monday, July 8th]

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 2011   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8841853
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InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 4:56 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2024

This just makes filing so hard...thinking I may be overlooking the 1% chance for reconciliation. Any words of advice?

Stay the course toward D. What you have asked for is normal stuff without a betrayal. For him to buck against it after an affair is laughable. I know it’s hard, especially with young children. But there is no perfect safety for the kids now. You could stay in the M for their sake but if it’s an unhealthy, unloving relationship that will take a toll on them. And divorce hurt kids too. His infidelity, past and present, harms the children, there is just no getting around that.

You have nothing to work with right now. Move toward D. If he wakes up and shows you something (actually a lot of somethings) then you can reconsider. But your description is of a common, selfish, unrepentant cheater. He is beneath you, unworthy of you and yet actively harming you. Work to save your own life and those of your children. Get to safety, he can choose to join you if he wants, but don’t count on it.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2186   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8841857
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 5:09 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2024

It’s a tough step- it feels so finite. But as the others have pointed out, he’s still actively in an affair. How can you R with that? You can remain married - but that is different than reconciled.

Filing will do one of two things: It for sure will get YOU out of infidelity to where you can start to heal while modeling for your kids that you should not settle for a cheating cheater. And it *very tiny possibility* be the kick in the pants your WS needs to pull his head out of his ass and start doing the work to be a decent human being. Divorce takes months to years…. So if he is that 1% unicorn (and so far he is not showing any traits of a unicorn… just a run of the mill jackass), then there is time to stop the D process.

File. Keep the therapist for you. Get your fair share of the assets (and maybe he will be generous since he’s still in la-la land with the AP), and start moving forward. Who knows. He may do a 180 and become the person he pretended to be all along, but you may be so healed by then that you will want better.

Sending strength— it is really hard. You are doing great so far.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6059   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8841862
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 5:47 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2024

As the others have said you are on the right path in seeking a D. You cannot R with a WS that is still active in an affair and is unable to do the bare minimum of NC and ending it, let alone the hard work he would have to do in therapy. Transparency with info and the phones are a must after infidelity. A remorseful WS that wants to save the M would do those things in a heartbeat.

Sometimes D will wake a WS to what they are losing, or he may turn it around like he is the victim and you are breaking up the family. I would definitely not pay any attention to the latter. If for some reason he ends the A and starts doing all the things you asked you can always pause on the D.

Also if you are not already, I would recommend seeing your own therapist to help you through this and also to heal from his betrayal.

fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8834   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8841869
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 HopeToHealSoon (original poster new member #84876) posted at 10:16 PM on Wednesday, July 10th, 2024

Thank you all so much for your affirmations. I'm filing today. He basically told me that I expected him to "live in shackles." Plus, I found out he is still calling the AP and yesterday told her he "loves her" and will "see her soon." Despite my knowing that D is the only path forward, it still hurts like hell to have someone discard you like this.

Wish me strength and courage as I embark on the D path.... So glad you all are here.

BW, 49 (kids 10, 13, 14) D-Day: April 10, 2024Separated: April 12, 2024Divorce Filed: July 11, 2024 (after STBXH couldn't do NC and continued to lie about A)

"I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become." — Carl Jung

posts: 11   ·   registered: May. 24th, 2024   ·   location: Central Texas
id 8842117
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 1:34 AM on Thursday, July 11th, 2024

(((Hugs))) hang in there. You are strong and are going to be okay.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6059   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8842126
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 2:44 AM on Thursday, July 11th, 2024

Hang in there. His words were one thing but his actions are showing another. So sorry and you'll get through this.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3573   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8842133
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