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Newest Member: Daughterofthemosthigh

Reconciliation :
Feels like reliving an asteroid impact

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 UnfortunatelyMade (original poster new member #85019) posted at 6:08 PM on Friday, July 5th, 2024

I was sent this site as a place to find support. So a bit of context before my question. Advice and/or experiences welcome.

My WH and I had been together for 6.5 years. Would be 8 this year but we separated for over a year with no intention of reconciling due to emotional affairs and dishonesty.

One AP in particular was pervasive. This (long distance) person was groomed as my replacement as every time there was an argument during that period, he ran to her. He would stonewall me for days, weeks, sometimes longer. I don't know the extent of everything that was said or done but I know there were graphic pictures, videos, phone calls, money transfers. He even planned a trip to see her. He said they had a falling out before that happened. Can't be certain if that's true but it wouldn't surprise me if he had. And I am powerless to scrub the truth from him. I hate that feeling. It's like a cavity in your soul that just throbs and hurts.

The day I gave birth to our first child, he left the hospital to give her an update and did not return for the duration of our stay there. Ibdidnt find this out until much later, of course. I could go into detail about the devastating things he did and said while interacting with her especially. She wasnt the only one, I discovered later, but was his most consistent. And that happened twice by surprise. Shockingly (sarcasm), he abandoned me in hospital after the birth of our second. That time I didn't cry and the nurses didn't call in specialists to see if I was suffering from ppd.

Not long after there was a cancer scare and I lost an ovary. We were temporarily separated at that time, not broken up, but after the first incident I resented him a great deal and needed away. He didn't call to ask about the diagnosis, and as far as the ovary, his words of encouragement were, "It's not a big deal, you'll get over it." I think that's enough to paint a picture of dysfunction. He took something precious from me I can never get back. He ruined the birth of my children and the joy I should have felt and turned it into acid. I cradled loneliness instead of our children.

These events were always followed up with profuse apologies and promises that it was over etc. I'm sure some of you know the drill. I loved him so much, the future fake, and the hope for change-- enough to oblige. And he would be charming, attentive and sweet. And then some tiny little thing. I'd have a bad day that went against the script. I would ask a question for reassurance which was forbidden. Or if we hadn't been intimate in several weeks, rejected after attempting to initiate, I'd ask more. He'd blow up. Cue the stonewalling. And of course after years of this, it was ingrained in me that he had gone running to someone. I'd ask him which would lead to explosive outbursts. Rinse, repeat.

So dishonesty and the constant attention seeking/neglect fed those same behaviors but this time it was "my fault" because I couldn't just leave the past alone. And THIS time I was part of the sick. I would literally make myself sick. When I say stonewalling, it was complete radio silence. And my mind is very creative. The scenarios I would imagine!

Big gaps are left where things were good. Sometimes better than good. But it's all overshadowed of course. Because that fog was never lifted for long enough to forgive its presence. There WERE days I could forget to remember it was safe to breathe. That the air wasn't toxic. Until it was and I...

Anyway I finally had enough. I believe he eventually stopped but it had been so severe it was just a constant drain to be worried and frightened of how I might trigger him to betray me (I know it's not my fault, but he'd played that card enough). Neither of us deserved the fallout even if it was justified. Certainly not the kids. I left and started working on myself. Spent the last year improving and getting back into working out consistently. Started a side business. Learning to shoot a bow lol. Pouring back into myself and our children.

I'll try to make the next part short(er).

Beginning of this year we spoke when he came to pick up the kids. He told me he got back on his meds (add/adhd), seeing a therapist etc. He wanted to reconcile. I refused. Eventually I relented. He did seem different. Sincere, genuine. He acknowledged all the things he wouldn't in the past. (That emotional cheating is still cheating). That it was never my fault. All the things he would never admit. He was patient and kind as I rambled and spewed 6 years of poison. Not at him. But he wouldn't have done that before. He was affected. And the hugs and comfort was, I truly believe, authentic.

I gave him 6 months to prove his consistency. If we could maintain friendship for that time without things spiraling out of control, and only on the definitive path of complete transparency. I specifically asked about this person, if they'd been in contact. That I wouldn't be angry because we were separated but I needed to know before I got involved between them because I wouldn't be to any capacity. He said no, they hadn't spoken since. That would have been late 2021 when he officially ended it with her.

Things had been going really well. Fast forward to last weekend and I discovered that she is one of his friends on social media. From my last count before separation he had blocked her with finality. I confronted him CALMLY. And then he proceeded to change his story over the next 2 days. At first he said he was apologizing. Then, that she initiated contact, not him. Apparently this happened late last year and she came off "sketchy" so he stopped responding.

I hope I'm conveying this properly.

It's not that he's talking to someone as it's not my business while we were apart. However I asked about her specifically because I didn't want THIS to happen and I trip over her name somewhere and then he's got 'splainin to do. He went into a rage because I accused him of lying when I asked. He claims it was more omission and he didn't tell me because it was very brief and didn't really register as important enough to mention. I told him even if that's the case, I needed him to be honest. He was responsible for rebuilding trust. He robbed us both of that. That I was well within my rights to ask questions about it when this was his promise. There was no room for anything less. Just as he would be within his rights if roles were reversed. So now it is my fault because I ambushed him. I "went looking for problems."

I guess my question is, am I justified in being concerned because it is THIS person? Or do I have no right as I ended things, regardless of who it is? Despite the answers I receive, I'm still settled because the trust, what little was earned, was compromised. Can't go through it again. I don't have the mental fortitude to be at war with him, myself. And he hasn't spoken to me in a few days so I find myself feeling the entire weight of my foolishness. It's got its own gravitational pull.

Thank you for your time and patience and any guidance or insight you can offer.

posts: 5   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2024   ·   location: N/a
id 8841645
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HellIsNotHalfFull ( member #83534) posted at 6:32 PM on Friday, July 5th, 2024

He is a master manipulator, and his skills at turning this on you is absolutely incredible and abhorrent.

The person he abandoned you for after giving birth is still in his life but he wants to R with you?

If he was truly sorry, which he isn’t at a all, he would do anything to make sure the woman he left his newborn child, in the hospital with his wife, would have no way whatsoever of contacting him. Oh, and he lied again. Sure what he did while separated is one thing, but for him to have the audacity to have any connection to his AP while claiming wanting to R with you, that’s not even the bare minimum first step of attempting R.

You aren’t looking for trouble, after all the crap he put you through, and that you are even considering another chance, it’s disgusting his behavior.

He is a serial liar and cheater, he takes no accountability for his actions or anything. He is emotionally abusing you, and uses anger as a weapon to control you so he doesn’t have to face consequences. His anger is only going to escalate, if it hasn’t already he will start physically abusing you.

Even if he didn’t have any affairs, and I’m sure there are more you don’t know of, why would you want to be with someone who literally left you in the hospital after giving birth? That alone is the deal breaker. Tied in that he did it to talk to his mistress.

Nothing about what you have described is someone who is even remotely close to being capable of being a safe and healthy partner.

He doesn’t love you, he only loves himself.

Ask yourself, what is it you really love about him? The fake charming mask he wears to get what he wants? Or the immature child who abandoned his family and throws tantrums?

My advice, get him out of your life forever. Only talk with him over a coparenting app.

Me mid 40s BH
Her 40s STBX WW
3 year EA 1 year PA.
DDAY 1 Feb 2022. DDAY 2 Jun 2022. DDAY 3/4/5/6/7 July 2024
Nothing but abuse and lies and abuse false R for three years. Divorcing and never looking back.

posts: 488   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2023   ·   location: U.S.
id 8841648
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 UnfortunatelyMade (original poster new member #85019) posted at 8:01 PM on Friday, July 5th, 2024

HellIsNotHalfFull

I agree with you and feared this was a potential repercussion of opening the door, so to speak. But given his attitude, his complete change of behavior, it gave me some small hope that this time was different. I know how asinine that sounds so I'll give you an example.

Before, if I didn't immediately forgive him, or I pushed back against his apology, brought up examples or questions, or even expressed doubt, he would either shut down or lash out. This time after over a couple months of persistently trying, he continued to show patience and told me he understood. Complete opposite of what I expected and had experienced from him.

And I should preface the whole thing by saying that the 6 month trial period was never a promise or guarantee of R. He knew that and understood. It was initially to see if I could even interact with him without the wave of negative emotions. If he could be consistent in front of that. Etc.
Of course we didn't make it to that marker,so experiment complete, I guess.

The betrayal at the hospital was the worst.
And I told him I could never truly forgive him that. He agreed vehemently because he couldn't forgive himself.
He brought that up specifically and broke down into tears because of the pain, disgust and shame of leaving me alone during that period. This from a man that bottles his emotions up until anger overwhelms him. I saw a side of him I had never seen. And that prevailed up until the moment I discovered her name.

From what he says, yes there was contact but it ended abruptly. Of course there is the question of why he didn't delete her. It was clear he hadn't been overtly active on the site in quite some time. Even before he came to me. I understand that regardless, the deception is what matters.

I did love him, and a part of me always will. AND a part of me will always detest the things he did. I wish it were a light switch I could turn off for either because I'm haunted by both.
Whatever the truth is, doesn't matter to me anymore.
Maybe I wasn't clear but I have ended the R because he fumbled at a time when we both needed him to have the courage to face it/me/his actions head on.
As much as I'm angry at him, I'm more angry at myself.

Thank you for your perspective and the time you took to reply.

posts: 5   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2024   ·   location: N/a
id 8841672
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HellIsNotHalfFull ( member #83534) posted at 9:30 PM on Friday, July 5th, 2024

I am sorry for everything that happened to you and what you are going through. I understand completely the hope that he could have actually changed, and especially with him taking more accountability than I gathered from your post. I don’t think you are a fool for trying again, I think it takes incredible courage.

Good for you for being strong and keeping your boundaries in check. That is so hard to do. To me you did not overreact at all, I would have done the same, in fact I have and no where as near as calm.

After everything he did to you, it doesn’t matter if he actually changes, but he clearly hasn’t.

You do not need outside opinion to reinforce your decision to end R, all I can say that if I was in your position i absolutely would have done so as well. You have every right to be upset about him having any contact with her, even if it was during just a trial period. To me, it shows that he is still keeping options open. Full transparency means full. He still hid a significant piece from you.

Don’t be so hard on yourself for trying again, learn the very painful lesson and keep healing and finding your own way.

Me mid 40s BH
Her 40s STBX WW
3 year EA 1 year PA.
DDAY 1 Feb 2022. DDAY 2 Jun 2022. DDAY 3/4/5/6/7 July 2024
Nothing but abuse and lies and abuse false R for three years. Divorcing and never looking back.

posts: 488   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2023   ·   location: U.S.
id 8841677
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 UnfortunatelyMade (original poster new member #85019) posted at 11:42 PM on Friday, July 5th, 2024

HellIsNotHalfFull

I really appreciate that. I don't think I'm here for confirmation because it's biased anyway. Every person will give their perspective and some will be wildly different. It's helpful to just be heard sometimes. Lance the wound and own the scar. Have support from people that aren't going to give you a side-eye because they've got the whole curio cabinet of awful memorabilia and can relate.

I learned that the hard way. My first serious relationship was with a porn addict and compulsive liar. This was around 2006 and as I dug deeper, being young and naive, it was JUST becoming mainstream acceptable. Now it's everywhere and widely accepted. But at that time, majority of even friends and family scoffed that porn addiction wasn't real. I had him calling me crazy, and then those closest to me echo that and it was traumatic in a different way. It was so normalized and incredibly isolating.
So I dont go to family and friends for that emotional buffer. Partly because they would have called me an idiot lol. But they don't always have the tools for the project but will still offer you a screwdriver when you need a wet saw.

It's devastating. To have left the wasteland just to go back in but this time, you went in with full knowledge that here there be dragons.
You see yourself and people differently. "He/she would never..."
It's left me with certain new set of skills, I guess. I'm hyper vigilant and aware when I was oblivious before. I listen to my gut. And I can help offer a safe harbor to those close to me that go through similar. My backbone is intact and can afford much less on bs. Lol.

Anyway, I'm being melodramatic and rambling. I appreciate your honesty.

posts: 5   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2024   ·   location: N/a
id 8841687
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 1:05 AM on Saturday, July 6th, 2024

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you're here. Infidelity is the worst. At the top of the page is the Healing Library, which has a lot of great resources, including the list of acronyms we use.

HellIsNotHalfFull has given you some good advice. For some people like your WH, wearing a mask to charm you into doing what they want is easy. I hope you can see his pattern of abusive behavior and decide to end the cycle now.

While you are responsible for 50% of the M, he is 100% responsible for his cheating.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3573   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8841694
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 UnfortunatelyMade (original poster new member #85019) posted at 2:11 AM on Saturday, July 6th, 2024

LeaFields

Thank youn for bringing that to my attention. I will make sure to check that out and implement the acronyms. As I've been reading others' stories I could make out most but a few I couldn't interpret haha.
So thank you very much for directing me there.

posts: 5   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2024   ·   location: N/a
id 8841696
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BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 3:28 PM on Saturday, July 6th, 2024

UM,
From what you've written, you've made the decision to break with your husband for good and not try to reconcile anymore.

If you're looking for support in that decision, you have it.

The level of abandonment and betrayal you've suffered is astounding.

It seems like there has been a long pattern of him acting decisively to protect himself emotionally and expecting you to flex and basically take whatever emotional punch or pressure came your way--with the real force of the punch often delivered by him.

It is telling that when you have been at your most vulnerable--at the hospital having just delivered a baby--he jets. It's like he either doesn't have the capacity to really support you and/or can't stand that the focus will be on you and the baby with him in a supporting role...so he just bails. He goes somewhere where the focus can be on him.

It's great that you are a strong enough (emotionally mature enough) person to own that there were also some very good times in your marriage.

One of the strangest and maybe best parts of exiting a relationship is to be able to say: I do love you. I probably always will on some level, and I wish you well. But I need a healthier relationship for me. I deserve it.

You SOOOO deserve that. You've done way more than your fair share of the emotional work in this relationship. You deserve a fully-functioning adult who can be a reliable partner to you.

You truly do.

"...lately it's not hurtin' like it did before. Maybe I am learning how to love me more."[Credit to Sam Smith]

posts: 508   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8841723
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HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 4:36 PM on Saturday, July 6th, 2024

He went into a rage

Quite the manipulator he is.

He might be getting better, but he is nowhere near good.

You ask about justification. Youve been justified since he left you in the hospital with the first child. You owe him nothing. The six months were a gift, and he blew it.

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 3252   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8841729
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 6:20 PM on Saturday, July 6th, 2024

I'm ADD myself. I seriously doubt that your WS loves himself. I know a few fellow AD(H)D folks, and they didn't love themself until they did a lot of therapy. We are very different from normal people, and it's hard not think we are in the wrong.

But not all of us cheat. In that respect your WS is way over into the wrong side for being in a relationship.

If you still want to R, you may be able to do it if you set requirements, get your WS's buy in, and monitor your WS's compliance. Common requirements are:

NC with ap(s)

Complete honesty - answering every question ,,, in fact, no more lies ever

Transparency - keeping you informed of location, activities, and companion at all times


IC for him, with a signed release that allows his IC to talk with you

MC if you want it - a good MC can hep, a not so good MC can't.

Note that you will probably need to end R if he breaches the requirements. You'll also have to deal with his AD(H)D for the rest of your lives together. After all, R may not ever work even with a contract to meet your requirements.

If it sounds daunting, that's because it is. Love is not enough to make your relationship work. You've given him a lot, and you may just be done.

IC may be good for you, if your goal is to love yourself and to create and maintain boundaries that work for you. You keep believing him and taking him back without setting limits. That may be because of your own issues, perhaps in the area of fear of abandonment. You should have no need to ask why I write that. blush

In any case, cutting him loose now is entirely within your power, and it may be best for you and your kids. If you do, though, I still think IC with the above goals is likely to be good for you.

It isn't the ap. It's your WS that is the problem.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:23 PM, Saturday, July 6th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 30044   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8841735
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 UnfortunatelyMade (original poster new member #85019) posted at 8:30 PM on Saturday, July 6th, 2024

Thank you all for your replies, they do help stabilize my thoughts. I'm still battling between mostly numb, sometimes reeling, and self directed disappointment.

Sisoon,

I'm aware of the cognitive struggles of ADD/ADHD and its impact (as much as a normal person can be). I could tell he was on his meds and when it would start to wear off. He could hold a conversation, laser focus on one thing at a time, even his mood was regulated. As it would wear off, he'd slowly start to aimlessly ramble from one topic to another, be doing 6 projects and get frustrated that nothing was getting done, and his mood swings would be more apparent.

And yes we both come from trauma.

Him from foster homes, many abusive to some capacity. His first M was hell (although now I don't believe he was just collateral damage but perhaps played a larger role than admitted). It ended with her having multiple As and using the M for citizenship. I understand that played a part in how he views relationships and self preservation.

I come from an abusive upbringing. If it gives any idea my ACES trauma score is 9/10.

But my child IC told my aunt (one of my abusers) that I had told her I was being abused and she (aunt) immediately pulled me out. Authorities were never called.

CPS were called multiple times, never spoke to me or my siblings and never intervened. Leading to my 2 yr old brother's drowning and my SA from multiple offenders.

My next CC with my Xfiance basically told me porn addiction wasn't real and there were no proven studies to say otherwise. Maybe at that time ('06) there weren't but it felt disdainful at the time. But I had seen articles that argued it changed and rewired the brain much like drugs so look Pretty much spent the time to ask why I didn't try to entertain some of those fantasies or offer to introduce myself to his "world." As if I hadn't and been rejected.

Ultimately his fantasies lead him to try and include me in an orgy at an adult theater with truckers. Apparently he'd set it up through local chat room. I don't know as I was disgusted and definitely triggered into a panic attack. That period was nightmare fuel.

Last time I tried, IC almost immediately tried to write me a scrip after telling them alcoholism and drug addiction from pain killers was rampant in my family and had 0 interest in pharmaceutical intervention. Walked out and haven't been back.

My experience with IC's isn't everyone's, I understand, but 3 times and no one listens? I'm good.

So I read, listen to audio books or podcasts. Meditate and exercise. I'm fully cognizant I have been drawn to certain individuals because that's what I know. My compass is broken and until I learn to identify red flags and create boundaries, relationships are off limits. Which I'm not even interested in. Maybe some day that will change but it's the very least of my concerns.

XWS didn't display anything. He didn't love bomb, he has a good job/responsible, he had friends (not antisocial), he keeps in contact with his remaining family (healthy relationships outside romantic), he's not suffering from any addictions. He worked off his debt from student loans and is for the most part financially competent. Former law enforcement and was dropped from naval academy due to serious knee injury.

All the things that project someone reliable, consistent and "safe". Polar opposite of my 1st XF. Things didn't shift until about 1.5 years in. After finding out we were pregnant if my timeline is correct.

I know he's in IC now and on meds. I believe that he's truly remorseful and trying.

But I've given him the better part of the last of my youth and I've done this once before. Granted I was 20 and ignorant. A walking trauma bond magnet.

What he did was gross. Irredeemable, even. I saw so much of myself in our shared history and felt we both deserved love. That discrepancy was my own failure to look at facts.

Not everyone comes out unscathed and capable of loving (not just receiving). There's a void that nothing fills, least of all whatever you project.

It doesn't matter I know there's a good man in there. That he hobbled himself to his pain. That he self sabotages so he can't be destroyed again. That his previous M/D was his crutch and his past his wheelchair. None of it matters until it matters to him. Obviously it does or he wouldn't be doing the work.

I guess it's just hard to understand how you can know what it is to be shattered and still be somebody someone has to heal from.

Tired of being his crash test dummy. And tired of knowing part of that is my fault for volunteering for imminent collision.

Knowing at a certain point, half the blame was/is mine to carry.

Date correction: not '06 that was graduation lol this was '09

[This message edited by UnfortunatelyMade at 8:45 PM, Saturday, July 6th]

posts: 5   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2024   ·   location: N/a
id 8841743
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standinghere ( member #34689) posted at 4:35 PM on Sunday, July 7th, 2024

He's a liar, and a manipulator. He has not changed his straps. That would require too much work.

He claims it was more omission and he didn't tell me because it was very brief and didn't really register as important enough to mention.

That type of behavior can stretch a long way. He is not trustworthy, he's getting back together with you is all about his needs, not your needs.

My FWS omitted to tell me that she was fucking another guy because each sexual encounter was brief and didn't really register as important enough to mention!

FBH - Me - Betrayal in late 30's (now much older)
FWS - Her - Affair in late 30's (now much older )
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled BUT!

posts: 1655   ·   registered: Jan. 31st, 2012   ·   location: USA
id 8841777
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SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 10:25 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2024

He went into a rage because I accused him of lying when I asked....So now it is my fault because I ambushed him. I "went looking for problems."

You already know this, but he's not a good candidate for R.

If I'm reading this correctly, you aren't in a relationship with him anymore. I think that's very wise. Like you said, if you went back for more when he's consistently proving that he's not a safe partner, part of the blame for the dysfunctional relationship is yours.

I hope you give yourself lots of credit for refusing to tolerate the abuse anymore and taking care of yourself. You deserve it.

Remove the "I want you to like me" sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs. ~ Susan Jeffers

Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

posts: 1335   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8841902
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 10:51 PM on Tuesday, July 9th, 2024

This man should enter the DARVO Olympics.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2672   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8842042
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