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Newest Member: Daughterofthemosthigh

Divorce/Separation :
The Fakest Of R’s

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 newbeginnings1985 (original poster new member #84681) posted at 12:31 AM on Saturday, June 29th, 2024

Well here I am. Hopping between the forum groups. Just found out, general, to reconciliation and now divorce.

I know I can hold my head high that I did everything in my power to not regret a single bit of any decision I’ve made here. I really did feel in my heart I could give my WW another chance in my life after finding out about her affair at the end of March. She said she wanted that too and we "worked" on what that would take. Therapy, endless talking, planning current and future events together — and it all actually felt good. I actually felt like we had a chance of making it.

Fast forward till a couple of weeks ago, she went on a work trip that we stressed over going because she warned that her AP was also going. I had planned to go with her and we’d work through it together. Well that trip was cancelled as her client rescheduled to the following week. Her AP wasn’t slated to go on this trip, the only reason he was going the week before was because her company had a conference in the city where the meeting was being held, he wasn’t vital to the client meeting but was attending as asked by his boss since it was convenient. My wife showed me emails confirming that.

She goes on the trip and only stays one night. She sends me photos and videos the entire time. She is taking the red eye the next day because it is my birthday and she has a nice night out planned with me and our four year old daughter.

While she’s on her trip, I notice on Find My Friends that’s she’s at a coffee shop that AP recommended on the work email chain to the whole group. The place was nothing special, not some place she would want to go. When she called later the day I told her I saw she was there and that it was uneasy she’d go to a place he recommended. Why associate your life with something he put out there? That was red flag number one. The next day she has her client meeting and I get photos and videos, but not as many and I was ok with that. That afternoon I see she’s at lunch with the clients and her coworkers. I see on Find My Friends that it’s next to this trendy hotel. I am not a very religious person, but I do believe things happen for a reason, especially when you’re calm enough to listen to the universe. Well I had a feeling of clairvoyance. I called the hotel and made up a story that I was his brother trying to surprise him on a guy trip with all his buddies. I asked if he had checked out yet. Mind you this is one hotel, in one of the largest cities in the US. What are the odds? Guess who checked out that day… I immediately FaceTime’d my wife and she answered and I told her what I just found out. She turned to a ghost and said he just showed up at the client meeting and she had no idea. It was such a short turn around between the client meeting and lunch she was scared and didn’t have time to call. I was at a loss. She got home and broke down and promised everything she was saying was true. Her photos, videos and everything about the trip did line up with her story. It was also true that AP’s boss and division of the company could have led him to arrive there without her knowing as it’s completely separate parts of the business. Mind you these waterworks are on my birthday, happy birthday to me right!?

I told my wife I believed her because I did. We were on the same page that she was quitting her job once she found a new one, and our progress so far did not lead me to believe the story was anything more than she was saying. I had also installed VAR’s in our car and her office and after a couple of months of reviewing them, there was never a single occurrence of her back tracking. She never made contact.

My birthday was a few days before Fathers Day as well. We continued to do things for me that whole weekend, all planned by her and it was great. A few days later I decided to plug in the VAR from the car. That same feeling of clairvoyance came over me. Guess who has a phone call with AP? Ding, ding, ding. They talk about how great it was to see each other in LA. How great it is to talk to each other, and he says how great it was to be intimate with her. They talked about how they coached each other through the lies they’d tell about how it all went down. The absolute nastiest part was my WW bragging about the lies she told me on my birthday about how the trip went. She bragged how she was lying for her life and said she couldnt even believe the stuff she came up with. They laughed over it. That put the nail in the coffin. Sign, sealed, delivered ✌🏼.

I told her right then and there we’re getting a divorce. Absolutely no way around it. I called the attorney I had lined up, paid the retainer and scheduled the next available appointment to meet and get the papers drawn up. She was still sort of confused on how I found out. I let her sit in that for a while. The next day she said she wanted to talk. She tried lying about how they had sex, I let her lie about as much as she wanted. She even tried blaming her therapist, saying that they urged her to go on the trip with him so she could have the "closure" she needed. I eventually told her exactly how I knew and she just knew she had nothing. The 15 years of manipulation tactics to hold over my over-forgiving self had no more ammunition and she knew it. She absolutely lost it. She cried hysterically all night and I could hear her from the basement to our master bath all the way across the house. I feel so freaking free and clear that I’ve made this decision. What an absolutely insane, sociopathic tendency to not only put me through this, but laugh about how you lied. It’s just flat out evil.

Shes tried many times the last few days to say how she finally sees the world clearly and how much she regrets all of this. Maybe it’s real, maybe it’s not. I don’t really care. There’s no doubt of me that questions that she’ll regret losing me. I’m an amazing partner and an even better father, I know that without a shred of doubt. But these acts are absolutely beyond repairable and it’s time to move on. I feel so much less pain in the last few days since moving at light speed towards divorce then I have felt in any positive moment of growth with us the past 3 months.

posts: 21   ·   registered: Apr. 3rd, 2024
id 8841148
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 1:45 AM on Saturday, June 29th, 2024

Bravo, well executed!! See, this gets you far enough away from her blatant duplicity to start your healing. While she may take years to get to the bottom of how she was OK doing this to you! But by D'ing that will be her problem, not yours any longer.

Whereas, if you stayed and "tried even harder" to R with her, your mental peace would be under constant disruption from that well-described clairvoyance you mentioned. If she actually ever might reform herself, you might reconnect - or not. It is for the best, I really feel.

posts: 2072   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8841152
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1994 ( member #82615) posted at 2:24 AM on Saturday, June 29th, 2024

You sound resolute. Hold on to that. Have you had any luck telling the OBS yet?
Your WW sounds truly vile right now. When she comes out of the Fog this will be devastating. Not your barrel nor monkeys.
I really like hearing you say how much value you have. Keep that as well.
Stay strong.

posts: 165   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8841153
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fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 3:00 AM on Saturday, June 29th, 2024

It is great that you trusted your gut and instincts. I’m sorry to see she remained cruelly deceitful and dishonest. Laughing with the AP about how she deceived you is disgusting. And didn’t you both just celebrate your 10th anniversary shortly before she cheated on this trip? You deserve better. Good to see you are resolute and moving forward with the D. Focus on you and your child. No contact or as little contact as possible related to child care and finance issues. Time will tell whether she has the humility and introspection to work to become a better partner for someone in the future. Right now she lacks the capacity to be faithful. Keep moving forward. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:59 AM, Saturday, June 29th]

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3898   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8841154
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 3:05 AM on Saturday, June 29th, 2024

How cruel to do that to you. So sorry she did that to you. It sounds like you're making the right decision.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3573   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8841155
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 5:14 AM on Saturday, June 29th, 2024

Good riddance to the evil shrew-Lady!

Please don't cave when it comes to D because her tears are only for HER, Bub. She knows what her affair says about *her* and how hard it will be for *her* moving forward.

There is something better for you beyond this I am sure.

posts: 928   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8841156
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 6:57 AM on Saturday, June 29th, 2024

Well I am sorry it came to this, but sometimes it’s a gift when they repeatedly show us who they are.
You may have a few bumps on the roller coaster still, but there is a peace and clarity when you know what you have to do.

Best of luck- and keep posting. Lots of good experience here.

(PS i hope you kicked her to the basement, not yourself…)

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6059   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8841158
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 4:41 PM on Saturday, June 29th, 2024

By the way, I apologize for using the term evil shrew-Lady. I just found myself so outraged by what your STBX-WW did. Not just having sex w POSOM--horrible as is, and not just lying to you before her meet-up. But in how she lied *after*.

Full speed ahead to D!

posts: 928   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8841168
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 newbeginnings1985 (original poster new member #84681) posted at 2:07 AM on Sunday, June 30th, 2024

Evil is the correct term, no doubt about it. I asked her to move out and she refused to. I can’t bring myself to do it because she won’t have a discussion with me about sharing our daughter’s time. We did just have our ten year anniversary and I enjoyed myself. She was just in limbo trying to have it all.

Shes upset too cause I contacted the two best lawyers in our town and she tried to reach out to one and they wouldn’t speak with her due to confidentiality. Not my problem.

She won’t have any conversations around if she’s keeping our house. If she is I told her I am moving asap and for her to please for the love of god work with me on our daughters schedule as if we were legally divorced and it were mandated. She’s holding me hostage knowing I won’t leave without my daughter.

Divorce being 100% was Tuesday. She poured on the waterworks on Wednesday and has been cold towards me ever since then as I didn’t let up a single bit. Talk about the stereotypical narcissist that shuts off their supply the second they realize they are done.

The meeting with my attorney on Wednesday can’t come fast enough, bring me my new life like yesterday.

A lot of logistic things are scary still. If she isn’t keeping the house like she said she wants to, I’ll need to do what I always do, which is all of the work to make it as sellable as possible. She also was suppose to be getting a promotion at work, nearly doubling her salary. She won’t tell me if she got the promotion because she knows that she is going to owe child support or maintenance with her new salary, which will now be nearly 2x mine. Good for her, but I know it bugs the shit out of her to have to give me anything. I don’t need that money but I’ll take it and give it to my daughter when she’s 18.

posts: 21   ·   registered: Apr. 3rd, 2024
id 8841184
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 2:31 AM on Sunday, June 30th, 2024

Talk to your lawyer about leaving the house. I hear that it can be called abandonment, and you don't want to give her any ammunition to make things worse for you.

She will eventually need to disclose her income, so you can just let that slide for now. She might think she's "winning" or putting one over on you. Let her think what she wants, but it will eventually come out.

If you can, do the 180 or grey rock. There are a few versions in the Healing Library, so do what works for you.

Hang in there. It might get worse before it gets better, but it will eventually get better.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3573   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8841185
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 3:05 AM on Sunday, June 30th, 2024

Please make sure you get a var and keep it on you at all times, now that she realizes this is real you have to be careful she doesn't make up a false DV charge to get you out of the house.

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8841186
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fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 4:16 AM on Sunday, June 30th, 2024

Let me second the advice to talk to your lawyer about keeping the house. Do find out if it would be considered abandonment if you left. Sending positive vibes. You will get through this. Your daughter is your priority. Keep focusing on you and take care of yourself. You need to heal. You know she is manipulative and will try to make this D difficult. Be smart. Great that you talked with two good lawyers before she could. Keep up being one step ahead.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3898   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8841188
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gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 4:58 PM on Sunday, June 30th, 2024

Another vote for talking to your lawyer before leaving the house. I’d also highly recommend informing her family and your family. It’s very probable given her past actions that she will create a false narrative to make you the bad guy, claiming abuse or worse. Tell them you can provide proof if they need it. Some here will insist you don’t do that, saying you could be imprisoned for the rest of your life for recording someone without consent but I’d take that to a jury trial and there’s no way I can imagine any jury convicting based upon what they hear. That’s just me - talk to your lawyer about that as well. Could be a *legal* way to use that as leverage to get better terms in the D. Also talk to your lawyer about informing the OBS - could also be a legal way to use that as leverage as well. In any case, after the D is final and all agreements executed, ABSOLUTELY inform OBS if you haven’t already.

Also fully concur with having a recording device on your person, recording AT ALL TIMES when you’re around her. I’d also set up recording cameras around the house to capture footage. Don’t be one of the MANY guys who’ve been hauled away in cuffs due to the slanderous lies their adulterous wives have told police.

If you feel yourself caving, listen to that recording again. That’s the true her. Don’t fall for the waterworks.

You got this!!

posts: 387   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8841206
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 5:51 PM on Sunday, June 30th, 2024

I agree with the others. Please notify your families, in particular, hers. You better believe that, on the one hand, she will try to spin a false narrative. And on the other hand, her family,provided they have decency, may provide leverage with your WW to get her to play fair. (Blood is thicker than water though, so while it is reasonable that they may tell your WW to cut it out when it comes to her most egregious nonsense, it doesn't mean you should be confiding in them.)

posts: 928   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8841210
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 newbeginnings1985 (original poster new member #84681) posted at 7:20 PM on Sunday, June 30th, 2024

I’ve told her Mom, which is the only family she has. Her Mom is ashamed and has had a better relationship with me than my WW for a really long while.

My family also knows and I’ve been telling close friends slowly as the time comes up. She’s starting to see her world crumble and everyone give up on her. Her Mom called her and told her how awful she is. I have my WW the chance the tell her first before I called and she did, but her story was just that she had an affair. It was the full truth that this coworker is in AA, how much WW lied her ass off, how I’m scared for our daughters future with my WW as the potential of AP being a part of it. The last point is extremely unlikely. AP is married with two kids and lives in a different state. He’s not giving all of that up for my WW. I had already told OBS a while ago. She has blocked me on the channel I told her on but she knows. I’d like to tell her it has reoccurred and they I’m divorcing, because I know AP has spun that narrative in his world. AP has spun the narrative to my WW that his marriage was in separation, but the message from
OBS was not that at all.

I have camera footage of my WW abusing me from years ago. I have footage of her dumping a big gulp of water on me while I’m holding our 3 month old baby. I saw the abuse card coming from a mile away so I’m well prepared to create a picture for how she’s been in the past, and paint her character with how he’s been on the present. My state is a no fault state so infidelity isn’t in the picture but honestly my WW is so lost right now and has never done an adult thing ever, that’s always been me. She’s asking me what to do about lawyers etc and is just in shock this is happening. Still trying to beg me to start over with her. It’s really sad. She wasn’t always this way, she was my person, my best friend and the mother of my child. This affair changed her and made her a horrible person and maybe she’s always been weak, but our lives created the perfect storm to exploit that weakness from her and finally flip the switch. Like a real life Harvey Kent.

posts: 21   ·   registered: Apr. 3rd, 2024
id 8841215
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InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 8:55 PM on Sunday, June 30th, 2024

Solid Batman reference 👍🏼

So sorry, man. I’m glad you got your proof and have a crystal clear picture of the situation and are acting appropriately. I have to imagine your in some mix of manic action phase and shock. Take care of yourself. This is a life inflection point, if you have to miss a couple days of work to feel what you have to feel, then so be it.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2186   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8841222
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 10:58 PM on Sunday, June 30th, 2024

It actually sounds to me that your STBX-WW has been apparently awful for quite a while, long before she had this affair.

posts: 928   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8841229
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1994 ( member #82615) posted at 1:48 AM on Monday, July 1st, 2024

It's incredible just how loud the sound is once the bubble pops. It's hard for truly self-centered people when they finally see just how selfish, entitled and despicable they are as reflected in the eyes of people they believe they have fooled. Your STBXWW will eventually implode once she realizes how hard she'd been played--knowing she enthusiastically gave away her dignity, integrity and self-respect like goldfish at a carnival.

Hopefully you have the opportunity to get a message back to the OBS on what you know.

Keep moving forward and stay strong.

[This message edited by 1994 at 4:34 PM, Monday, July 1st]

posts: 165   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8841243
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 5:03 PM on Monday, July 1st, 2024

This affair changed her and made her a horrible person

I suspect she has always been this person. You just didn't see it or you made allowances for it. Your WW sound a lot like mine. My EXWW was and is very immature. She does not do adulting well at all. I suspect that there may be some stuff in her noodle as even my kid has noticed her odd behaviour.

Good luck on your D. It really is liberating cutting the dead weight from one's life. And remember, her tears are for her, not you.

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1835   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8841266
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 newbeginnings1985 (original poster new member #84681) posted at 8:25 PM on Monday, July 1st, 2024

She has been pouring it on for the last week and I told her today that if she wants to try everything she can, to call AP with me on the phone without him knowing, ask for OBS phone number and then have her call OBS with me on the phone without her knowing and tell her everything. I think it’s put a stop to the crying cause she can’t keep saying she’s willing to do anything.

I am moving forward with divorce 100% but honestly I’d like if this happened because I am still pissed and afraid of AP being a part of my daughters life even for 6 months before they realize two lying cheats can’t like a second. My WW still thinks that AP and OBS were "separated" and still talks about AP like she believes his shit. This at least has got her off my back of saying she’ll do whatever it takes. All she’s said is that she’ll "think about it" when it comes to doing that. 🤦🏻‍♂️

posts: 21   ·   registered: Apr. 3rd, 2024
id 8841277
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