SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My adult daughters know a good amount of our issues. 4 years ago the youngest was home (19 at the time) when I couldn't take it anymore and loudly confronted him about the HPV spot i had surgically removed from my mouth. She later told me she didn't believe his denials about cheating. So here we are 4 years later and I've decided to talk to my girls about this. They have seen his bad and his good. They rent a house together so I'm heading over after work to lay it out. Kinda terrified but kinda relieved. The only others who know are here and in another online group that I have been a part of for 26 years.

In the back of my head, I am hoping they will say, oh mom, you are overthinking this. Hoping they will say, just seeing these routes showing him going to local hotels, or seeing business trip routes showing him bopping back and forth from one hotel to the next at 2 and 3am doesn't mean an affair. But it probably does, right? One daughter is firm and hardworking and doesn't tolerate bullshit. The other is more of a "feeler", more inclined to see grays over black and white and sees the "maybe" in situations. I think each of them are a little like me in different ways, so I'm feeling good about this talk. I'll be careful how I do this. He is their father after all.

Good luck!

Unless they know or ask about it, is it really a necessary step to let your children know? Infidelity is a couple's problem. If he is a good father, doe they need to know he is not a good husband?

My children understood immediately so I did not deny it. Many parents choose not to say anything so that children don't take sides, they just say mum and dad don't love each other anymore, which is a true statement. Just a thought.

Are you still together as a couple?

Yes, we arecstill together. Confrontation #2 hasn't happened yet. They know me and they know him better than anyone else. He shows a different face to my siblings, friends, etc. But my girls know more, maybe more than even I do. They are both adults in their 20s. I believe in honesty and I have never believed in sugar coating anyone to anyone else. The truth.

I believe in honesty and I have never believed in sugar coating anyone to anyone else. The truth.

I am exactly the same. I only want the truth. However it is true that, and I don't know if this is your case, a bad spouse can be a good parent to their children but if children know they have been a bad spouse, often children don't want to deal with that parent anymore and frankly it shouldn't happen. Once they grow up, they probably separate the two roles but as children it is difficult they do. In your case, however, I do understand they are adult children, so, it is pretty different and an open conversation is due.

AT the end of the day if a person does not want to risk being refused by their own chidren, they can choose to behave well as a spouse as well as a parent.

If he is a good father, doe they need to know he is not a good husband?

I know this may not be a popular idea, but a spouse that is cheating, lying, sneaking around, isn't a good parent either.

The basic principle of being trustworthy, or lacking in that area, touches everyone in their circle.

My FWS engaged in behavior that endangered the entire family, not just me, if you look at it just semi critically. Untrustworthy parents often exploit their children, adult or otherwise, emotionally, financially, and otherwise. They can also drive rifts between the trustworthy parent and the child, depriving that child of a valuable emotional resource.

It's not the sex, it's the lying, manipulating, dissembling, and gaslighting.

Just be absolutely clear in your mind, what your genuine intent is, in wanting to tell/ask your adult daughters.

My main intent was getting their perspective, since they are some of the very few people who see through his song and dance. They weren't surprised by some of it, but were genuinely fearful for me because of the bizarre details going back years into the past, That they didn't know or suspect. Bottom line is they validated my feelings and suspicions, because my underlying fear was that I was getting carried away in my research and that a lot of what I found *could* be explained away. They put that idea completely out of my mind and gave me some very good suggestions. The details I'm giving here would make it extremely easy for him to find what I'm writing though and now I'm wondering if coming here was a mistake. How can you all feel safe here when theoretically anyone can join up and read what you've written? Especially since we have yet to have our D Day since I found most of this out. I'm still gathering info at this point, mainly because I believe knowledge is power and I've been in the dark for too many decades now to just roll over and never find out as much as I can.

As far as feeling safe.... make sure you leave nothing tracable log out each time, use common sense. Get to an attorney. Get to your dr for full STD testing and referral for training therapy, and meds if you are stuck in fight/flight mode.

Once you make a decision to file who cares what he sees. You know he has cheated and continues to. That's all you need.

I absolutely agree with Standinghere. A good parent ? Seriously ? How can a wayward spouse still be a good parent when he's been endangering the health of the other parent, plainly abusing her, compromising the family's structure, lying to everyone's face while lecturing everyone at the same time ?? This is BS. He's definitely not a "good parent" and your daughters need to know.

Infidelity is a couple's problem

And, yet, the party line here is to tell bs their spouse's affair has nothing to do with them, it's a "him/her" problem, not a "we" problem.

If it's a him problem, then his actions and behaviors affect everyone in the family. That makes it a family issue.

If he is a good father, doe they need to know he is not a good husband?

Active cheaters are horrible parents. A good parent doesn't risk the health, the life,of their children's mother, by potentially exposing her to stds. A good parent doesn't risk their children's family, security, home,and happiness, for a side piece. A good parent doesn't leave the living room, to sneak off to the bathroom to message an ap. A good parent sets a good example. A good father shows his daughters how a man should treat them, so they don't accept bad behavior from their own SO.

they just say mum and dad don't love each other anymore, which is a true statement.

Says who? Op seems to still love her ws. Many bs still love their ws after dday. Lying to the kids and saying you stopped loving their dad,and it was just one of those things that sometimes happen, does nothing for anyone. Except the cheater. He gets to be protected. No,kids just hear that love is temporary, and so is marriage. Telling them the truth,in an age appropriate manner, is best for everyone.

As a bs, I know that the very worst part of infidelity is the lies. The not knowing who I can trust. I refuse to lie to my kids,and there's no way I'm going to allow his actions to turn me into someone my kids can't trust.

Also..the kids are young adults here, not children. They've known their mom all their lives. They know something is wrong. They would know if she lied to them,especially since she made a point of saying she doesn't lie to her kids. So why should she start now??

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:25 PM, Sunday, June 30th]

The children, especially when older absolutely deserve to know why one parent is traumatized and why a family unit is breaking up. Infidelity is never contained to the couple. Bunny boiling is not only in the movies. If you’re cheating on your spouse you’re endangering the emotional and physical well being of your children as well.

Absolutely. Half of my kids know at this point. It isn't going to be pleasant but I STRONGLY believe we all deserve honesty. How can you trust any other human being if you can't trust your parents? My own father had inappropriate relationship with someone and it changed my perspective. He was still a fabulous dad, but I needed to know that about him. I'm left with.....was it just an EA for him that one time? Or was he a serial cheater like my own spouse? Truth. Honesty. Above all else.

If your kids don’t have the proper facts…

their world will not make sense.

That affair is having a profound effect on their world and everyone in it. Without the necessary facts, things just won’t add up. A white washed cover story will not explain the devastation. You sucking up the symptoms of affair trauma, suffering in silence, alone, will not help you recover and will not get you the support that you need.

Without the necessary facts, their world will be confusing and nonsensical. Things just won’t add up, and they will make assumptions or draw conclusions, at the BS’s expense.

Without the proper facts, your kids will be susceptible to manipulation via a false narrative.

In the aftermath of D-day, the BS looks like a difficult, depressing, labile crazy person, while the WS looks relatively stable, calm, rational and composed. Without the necessary facts, the WS can capitalize on this, and/or the kids will just draw their own conclusions.

Having the necessary facts, in a very matter of fact way, will help turn this whole nightmare into a valuable life lesson. They can learn how to overcome adversity, protect their dignity, resolve problems effectively, etc, etc.

Your WS wanting to participate in a cover up, to hide his shame and protect himself from consequences, is also not helpful for his recovery. He needs to own this and show the kids how you truly fix yourself and take accountability for your actions.

It is not necessary to demonize the WS. Be objective, stick to only age appropriate, necessary facts. Avoid unnecessary traumatizing details and acrimony. Their father is half of their genetic makeup. If you demonize their father you can be effecting a portion of their own self view. Try to inform without alienating parental affection.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 7:51 AM, Tuesday, July 2nd]

Sometimes analogies help explain why decisions become so devastating to the people who did not make them. One that comes to mind, is a man buys a new sports car and cannot wait to show it off to his friends. He, and a couple of buddies, take off into the countryside, but they don’t stop and think that there might be a little ice still on the road. Perhaps he’s not going flat out but he’s probably going faster than the road allows. The car slips on black ice and one of the passengers is killed and the other injured. The driver comes out with some scrapes but survives just fine. There’s a dead person, but there are the people who mourn that dead person. There are people who might have depended on that person financially or emotionally. There’s an injured person. People have to care for that injured person. It might cost money that that person does not have. That person might be in debt for years trying to pay off the things that were done to keep them alive. So the driver, without thinking of the harm, his decision made, is going to watch whole groups of people pay the price for the fact that he was showing off his car.

A decision was made without your input, and without your ability to stop it, and you and your children will pay the price, and so will extended family, and friends, and sometimes acquaintances. Your children might act out. They may be overachievers to the point that they are in danger of harming themselves. There’s no such thing as an action without a reaction and no one who’s in the middle of an affair ever stops and thinks about the price everyone pays for it. That might be how you present it to your kids. They were not responsible for the action but they will have a reaction and all of you need to find support to get you through the worst of it.

Secrets are corrosive.