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Newest Member: Watermelonhigh

Just Found Out :
Here I am again...

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 whoami62 (original poster member #65972) posted at 12:00 AM on Thursday, June 27th, 2024

I was a member here starting in 2018, shortly after discovering my husband's porn addiction and affair.
After a couple of years of therapy and going thru Covid , we had made a lot of progress in our recovery , but I learned a few days ago that he has been abusing porn again for at least the last 6 months. Could be longer , but I saw what I saw and don't need to search more..6 months and $10,000 spent on it ( he was using a secret credit card and using a business account to pay for the card )

I am feeling so many emotions but the strongest one right now is anger. I am furious...I am 62 years old. I feel like he took a huge chunk of my life from me and we should be looking at a peaceful retirement...now I feel like we are looking at divorce. I just will not put up with this again

I am not the same woman I was when I initially discovered his affair. I am stronger. I grew a lot. I lost a significant amount of weight , stopped drinking and just made a lot of positive changes to my health..but divorce was not on my BINGO card as I inch closer to retirement.
He will be starting with a new therapist starting next week , but my hopes are low for him to remain sober and faithful

posts: 581   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8840920
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 3:05 AM on Thursday, June 27th, 2024

Sorry that he couldn't change to be a safe partner for you. It really sucks when you're thinking that you're on the last leg of the journey before retirement and the "happy golden years".

I'm glad that you took the time to heal and grow. It sounds like you're in a much better head space than your first time here.

What are you thinking you want to do?

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3584   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8840928
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 whoami62 (original poster member #65972) posted at 11:09 PM on Friday, June 28th, 2024

Thank you leafields
I don't know what I want to do at this point. I only know that I don't want to deal with this again. I saw someone post about how everyone except herself and her kids think her husband is the nicest guy. That is the same thing about my husband. My youngest daughter know about his affair and sex addiction issues.

It grates on my last nerve that he is perceived that way by so many people...even my family.
I did talk to her about it the other day and she told me that she wasn't surprised and has zero faith in him.
This is a second marriage for both of us. We have been together for 29 years.

The thought of going through another divorce at my age is overwhelming for me.
It would be complicated for sure and could potentially force him to sell our business or buy me out...very intertwined finances that includes real estate.
I am not ready to make that decision yet , but it is on the table

posts: 581   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8841142
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 11:49 PM on Friday, June 28th, 2024

My XWH is diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and is what is called a covert narc. It's almost the same way with him. He puts on the mask to other people who think he's great, but at home he's an energy vampire. He would use porn as a way to avoid building our relationship and as a way to manipulate our sex life.

I filed for D the week before our 34th wedding anniversary, and it's been the best decision for me. My life is so much better now because I don't have to walk around on eggshells all the time and can do what I want. The peace and contentment I have is priceless.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3584   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8841145
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 12:17 AM on Saturday, June 29th, 2024

Hi, just wanted to chime in and say how sorry I am your husband has gone down the dark rabbit hole again.

What did your WH say when you confronted him?

I think that's the biggest fear with BS who reconcile is finding ourselves here again.

Be kind to yourself and take time to enjoy life with family and friends. Give yourself respite from this nightmare and time to figure out how you want to move forward.

posts: 12181   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8841147
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BoundaryBuilder ( member #78439) posted at 7:11 PM on Saturday, June 29th, 2024

So sorry whoami62. Fellow gray haired BS/recent retiree here. Divorce/downsizing retirement expectations were not in my game plan either! Post D-day after a couple months of shock/disbelief (and sleuthing:-), I too got ANGRY. That anger helped marshal strength to do what was necessary to take care of ME. Being prepared with a plan B - ready to walk away - helped me get through those awful years. Having a contingency plan helped me to feel somewhat in control of my future. If he didn't step up and change his mindset - If I decided to leave as a result of his entitled thinking - yes, retirement reality wouldn't match retirement dreams. But thanks to having a well thought out plan B, I knew I'd be....... okay. Not financially flush, but okay. And if the marriage ended, at least I wouldn't be spending the last precious years of my life with an unreliable, unrepentant cheater.

How about using your anger? Righteous anger can be a useful tool to light a fire under you - to motivate. Could quietly putting together a plan B (exit plan), and plan C (self-protection plan if you decide to stay) help to feel more in control of the situation? Maybe taking back some control would alleviate that feeling of being overwhelmed? First - visit a lawyer or two (or three) to figure out how divorce (or legal separation if an option in your state ) might play out. What about a post-nup? A post-nup might make sense because the two of you co-own a business and property. Now might be a good time to put a reasonable, legally legit (depends upon jurisdiction) post-nup in place - whether you go OR stay. Take advantage of the moment! He might be more amenable to signing a post-nup while attempting to placate you ....while trying out new therapist and supposedly putting his best foot forward.......

An eye opening thought - do you trust him to make health decisions on your behalf? To responsibly care for you if your health deteriorates? He hasn't historically been a reliable partner....if you decide to stay putting your share of $$ in a protected trust for YOUR benefit alone - is that a possibility (I'm no lawyer :-)? Either way, seems prudent to at least discuss all health care/end of life/power of attorney decisions with a professional NOW and put those plans in writing - if you haven't done so.

Sounds like you're on top of this piece = but if you haven't tackled this yet, please protect finances any way you can! Go through ALL accounts with a fine toothed comb. Run credit checks on him and any joint credit to ferret out hidden debt. Alarm bells are ringing re: the SECRET credit card paid for with a BUSINESS account. You're part owner or manager of this business correct? Dunno, but if I were in your shoes I'd be all over that. Business audit by external forensic accountant - if it would help? Liars lie. And people with one presenting addiction frequently harbor additional (sometimes hidden, and COSTLY) addictions. $10,000 blown on porn in only 6 months + secret debt = he's duplicitous and NOT responsible with $$$. Protect yourself financially, dear whoami62.

Sorry, I know some of these suggestions sound daunting. Yes, you're overwhelmed, angry and dreading what comes next because it's not fair - none of this was YOUR doing. Leaving is not what you'd choose- staying also has inherent risks/disadvantages. But, I get the impression you are a capable gal with a good head on her shoulders. Put yourself FIRST for a change. You CAN do it! And, IMO, you MUST do it - you must put together contingency plans to protect yourself - if you leave OR especially if you stay.

Also so important - please take care of yourself emotionally while figuring out what the future holds. How about IC to help sort through options? It's great you can talk to your daughter about the situation. Are there other friends and family to share feelings with? Don't isolate yourself to protect his image. And, be kind to yourself. Do things that feed your soul; things that YOU like to do. Hang in there, whoami62!

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 8:05 PM, Sunday, June 30th]

Married 34 years w/one adult daughter
ME:BW
HIM: 13 month texting EA with high school X who fished him on Facebook 43 years later
PA=15 days spread over final 3 months
D-Day=April 21, 2018
Reconciled

posts: 219   ·   registered: Mar. 4th, 2021
id 8841171
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 whoami62 (original poster member #65972) posted at 2:18 PM on Monday, July 1st, 2024

I don't know how this is going to play out yet. Based on his history , I don't have any faith in him. I do love him and part of the reason I am so angry at him is because he is taking so much away from me . I had visions of us having a happy retirement together..maybe picking up so new hobbies or old ones. We have been looking at used sailboats, we love to travel and always have a great time.

All of those dreams are shattered now, once again.
Now I see me , alone living far away and spending my remaining years lonely and bitter. I want nothing to do with any man because I wouldn't trust anyone ever again.

If we split , I will still love him and it will hurt me to see him with another woman. Just as I know I wouldn't want another man in my life , I have no doubts in my mind that he will find someone new. He is very charming and masterful at telling people what they want to hear.

I am certain that he will not be alone.
This is the weak me talking.
The strong version is there too and I have to make sure that she stays vigilant and protect myself from further deceit and infidelity.

posts: 581   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8841257
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ThisIsSoLonely ( Guide #64418) posted at 3:06 PM on Monday, July 1st, 2024

I absolutely hate False-R stories. Having lived though one myself, as little comfort as it may offer, I can totally relate.

I also offer this in response to your comment that follows:

The thought of going through another divorce at my age is overwhelming for me.

What does the thought of going though this again do to you? And I don't mean "again" as what you are going through now, but again as in a month, a year, 5 years down the road. I ask as I had false R twice before I finally realized that my fear about leaving was far less stressful, far less stomach-in-knots-anxiety-riddled, far easier. And I was right. Once I decided we needed to separate I felt BETTER. Was I less financially stable? Absolutely. Our finances were very intermingled and in some ways still remain so - we made contractual agreements about several properties pre-divorce that made the financial aspect of the divorce much easier but it made my standard of living a lot lower, largely because we lived in his pre-M home which was paid off so in moving out I gained living expenses I had not had in a long time. Did we stop speaking to each other? No, as it turned out my leaving did not end our relationship - we still "date" but I have my own place and do my own thing. There are positives and negatives logistically, financially, but not emotionally - emotionally I am 100% better.

My WH has been in therapy for a long time and it is clear that he has made a lot of change - hence our dating still. BUT I FEEL BETTER - FREE OF INFIDELITY. I would never go back to that - never give him another chance to go back to the status quo. Everyone knows now why we separated - all the people that matter - friends and some family, and it feels better, more honest - and, as like you, it became tiring to have people see WH in a much better light than he deserved. My decision to stop protecting him simultaneously freed me. It's just all so much better I can't even imagine living that life for one more moment.

So - I am not telling you to divorce. My divorce is very unorthodox. I am telling you that divorce is not as bad as you think, especially when you compare it to what you have been living through. Think about changes you can make for YOU that will help YOU moving forward. Your WH has to deal with himself - his problems -and there is little you can do to make those changes stick (as you clearly know). See my signature line - it really is true. G

You are the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. Act accordingly.

Constantly editing posts: usually due to sticky keys on my laptop or additional thoughts

posts: 2365   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8841259
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 whoami62 (original poster member #65972) posted at 8:28 PM on Monday, July 1st, 2024

A significant road block stands in my way and that it our daughter living in our area. I personally would feel no desire to stay in this area. I have no close friends at all here and the pain of living in WH's shadow would be difficult. My brain has held onto so many places here where his affair partner took up space , including our business
I still feel sick when I have to go to the spots she was.

I am drawn to my home state as much of my family still lives there , including my other two daughters.
It's a difficult thing for me to contemplate.
I am so mad that I even have to be burdened with these decisions.

He starts with new therapist tomorrow , for whatever good that will do.
I don't think my husband actually understands that porn use is just as bad as an actual physical affair , despite his previous therapist(s) confirming that it is still infidelity.The porn use was what led him to his affair partner , once the thrill onscreen wasn't enough..

posts: 581   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8841278
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BRBLife ( new member #75288) posted at 10:28 PM on Monday, July 1st, 2024

I feel like our husbands are long lost brothers. And i feel similar anger, frustration, disgust, disappointment. My 56th birthday is this week and he makes 3 or 4x what I make. What now? Most of our married life I worked part time at a dead end job so I could be home for the kids while he traveled OFTEN for work. The "what the hell do I do now" sucks so much. Will I be alone in my old age? I'd rather be alone than continue swallowing lies and sitting across from someone who never respected me.

posts: 27   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2020
id 8841286
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 whoami62 (original poster member #65972) posted at 8:41 PM on Tuesday, July 16th, 2024

Well , he is heading to his second appointment with his new therapist. Not sure how this will go for him. He has so many issues and his coping skills are pretty poor when it comes to life challenges. When he initially turned to porn , we were struggling with financial troubles with our small business. This was during the economic downturn. We bickered about money , managing our bills was often a point of tension. Funny how he had money for porn chat rooms, but we sometimes struggled to pay our mortgage and sometimes late on other bills.
So he invented a persona , an alter ego where he was the hero by supporting those poor women from eastern europe ...what a hero he was !


What he fails to remember is that once that thrill was gone, it escaleted to a physical affair ..there was a time when he went to visit his parents and arranged to meet up with her in the city where he landed..surprise he was robbed of all of his ID, passport , which at the time was from his home country , all credit cards. EVERYTHING was gone. I spent a frantic week with non-stop calls to multiple federal agencies to get him a temporary passport which was extremely difficult since he wasn't a citizen.


He also met with her and missed our daughter's junior prom..that one stung and left permanent scars once she found out that he was with his whore

I want him to get better, I really do. Even if we do not stay married. I offered him the option to get out so he doesn't have to answer to me and he can engage all he wants with sex workers. Of course that didn't go well.

Now our business is doing very well and there is talk about selling it.
This could make it easier for me , should I decide to call it quits . I still don't have my mind made up.
I am not ready to decide , but options are going thru my mind. He is trying to persuade me to make a large purchase , an RV ....it's clearly not the time for that , for many reasons.
It's what he does...he messes up and tries to use money or things to make me forget. It has worked at times , but I am not that same woman any longer

posts: 581   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8842745
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 12:22 AM on Wednesday, July 17th, 2024

Very similar sounding to my SAWH, and I am so sorry you are plunged into this at middle age (73 here). One thought comes to me about your WH's trying to placate you by offering to buy "you" something, as he has tried in the past. Think of it: a man who has paid women for sexual acts likely believes that every woman can be bought, so what is our price? I've seen the same "amends" trying to be offered to me after major betrayal! Be aware of what that move says about their view of women, and how they expect you to react to financial incentives...UGH!!

I wish I had better advice than just this: whatever you do, don't let him encumber you any further with that kind of ploy. I had to learn this the hard way. (((whoamI62)))

posts: 2073   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8842759
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 1:59 AM on Wednesday, July 17th, 2024

He wants to buy something expensive when his marriage is hanging by a thread.

More proof he doesn’t get it.

So sorry for you.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13978   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8842766
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 10:14 PM on Wednesday, July 17th, 2024

My late wh also did the same thing to me, always wanting to buy me things to make up for his poor choices of chasing after other women, and having affairs with them. Drinking all of the time, and staying away from home just so that he could live his double life.

I'm also 62 years old and have been alone for over 4 years now since his death.

One thing for sure is that I have a lot of peace now and not so much worry anymore. When he was alive, our lives were in constant chaos, and I was always upset, confused and crying all of the time. Because of him!

And it's good to always remember the truth of who they really are (were in my case), and to not resort to some fantasy who we want them to be in our minds. And if this is the case for you, then you are not seeing him clearly for who he is. And this isn't love.

I can now clearly look back at our lives together and see how wrong our marriage was. I very rarely catch myself making him out to be a saint that I portrayed him to be and he portrayed to the others.

I don't miss the chaos or disruption he caused me but I sure do miss the companionship and our dreams of traveling. We had just ordered our 5th wheel and 6 months later he was gone.

But I know it would have been hellish traveling all over the U.S. with him because he went back to drinking and he never changed or even admitted to the truth anyways. Except for saying that he only had one affair which was so untrue. Try like at least 10 affairs, or maybe even more. He was a liar and our marriage was a lie.

And now I'm pretty sure that our time together on the road would have been about the booze and him seeking out and flirting with other women (and probably seeking out other women to sleep with), and not caring if he hurt my feelings.

And sure, sometimes I still fall into the thought pattern, of how things were "supposed" to be. But the truth is everything was just a dream, a myth of how I thought our friendship and marriage and companionship should look like. But reality was my late wh was a cheating, lieing, drunk who would buy me things to placate me into submission and accepting his lies.

Good times or memories don't make up for what he did to me, and put me through. Not even forgiveness is on the table, nor will ever be. Acceptance is but not forgiveness, because he knew what he was doing over and over again for 34 plus years. Changed me forever.

Karma does exist but still won't bring back those precious years lost to someone unworthy of my love. Just think about it. I no longer hate my late wh but I also see the truth in who he was. And it took a lot of hardships to finally get this place of acceptance in my mind and in my heart.

I feel for you. Lots of hard decisions for you to make. It's already bad enough having to babysit a manchild your wh appears to be.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 9:50 AM, Thursday, July 18th]

posts: 911   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8842823
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BoundaryBuilder ( member #78439) posted at 5:21 PM on Thursday, July 18th, 2024

I am not ready to decide , but options are going thru my mind.

Now our business is doing very well and there is talk about selling it.

This could make it easier for me , should I decide to call it quits . I still don't have my mind made up.

The first step towards creating a new infidelity free life is imagining that life.

Have you met with a lawyer to get a handle on how D, separation, or a post nup might play out?

Research could help flesh out some of your options.....like selling the business....what would that look like?

Nattering on about protecting yourself part II.........I read through some of your old posts. Holy moley, what he put you through validates my urge to double down on this advice. Your partner plays fast and loose with money/credit and leaves you to deal with the fallout. He's a serial betrayer. He had no qualms about bringing one AP to this country (did your company pay for her work visa, etc?) - if I understand correctly (I may have muddled timelines and gals), he brazenly enmeshed her in your town, your business, your LIFE? For TWO summers? Wow. You are a survivor.

Get it that this is a new D-day, so you're struggling with the cycle of anger, bargaining and grief all over again. You're not ready to decide until you're ready. Okay, but in the meantime it can't hurt explore options, and talk to professionals about what can be done NOW to protect yourself. Talking to lawyers about options doesn't mean you have to decide right this minute.

Business is doing well now, but that could change.....as a 62 year old looking towards retirement (with an unreliable partner), you must plan for the future. Selling now while the business is doing well could be a savvy move......maybe?? On the other hand, he's focused on expensive sailboats, RV's......toys. $10,000.00 blown on porn paid via a secret credit card tied to business funds. Is he thinking about the future? Seems he's itching to spend the windfall you've worked so hard to create. His priorities seem to be all about HIM - his whims, his wants. Interesting that sailboats/RVs are potential living/entertaining spaces. Be alert, be careful.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 6:50 PM, Friday, July 19th]

Married 34 years w/one adult daughter
ME:BW
HIM: 13 month texting EA with high school X who fished him on Facebook 43 years later
PA=15 days spread over final 3 months
D-Day=April 21, 2018
Reconciled

posts: 219   ·   registered: Mar. 4th, 2021
id 8842863
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 whoami62 (original poster member #65972) posted at 9:26 PM on Friday, July 19th, 2024

Thanks Boundary Builder !
Yes , he did bring his AP here to work for our company and also I was coerced into hosting her at my home..yup, he is like a gambler , minus the casino. He took a lot of risks. He is a sex addict and also loooves to spend money. I have always maintained my own ,seperate bank accounts

The boat idea isn't a big expense , but the RV would be for sure. He sailed a lot in his youth and we rented a sailboat on a recent vacation..that was something that we were thinking to do together , but small, used fixer upper type.

I haven't reached out to, but have researched some law firms. We discussed the potential sale of the business just the other day...there is a potential buyer. There has yet to be a sit down / meeting ,which annoys me.

He told me that he would split the proceeds 50/50 with me whether or not we stay married. Based on his history with his ex, I have no reason to doubt this , but consulting with an attorney is not off the table regardless.

posts: 581   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8843032
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notoverit ( member #55229) posted at 4:24 PM on Saturday, July 20th, 2024

whoami62,
Sorry you are suffering.
Boundary builder asked if you trust him for your health decisions. This is an important consideration. Do you trust him as power of attorney for your health, wealth and wishes ? I don't know what and if if there are statistics on ws pre-deceasing their bs.
good luck
notoverit

BS (me)WH LTA 6 years DDay May 2016

posts: 52   ·   registered: Sep. 19th, 2016   ·   location: eastcoast,NY
id 8843061
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 whoami62 (original poster member #65972) posted at 7:14 PM on Wednesday, July 24th, 2024

Do you trust him as power of attorney for your health, wealth and wishes ?

I haven't given this much thought , but right now I do. Should we part ways , that would change. He may be a not safe partner , but he isn't a vengeful kind of guy and he knows he would lose any connection to our daughter and quite possibly his other daughter from his first marriage too if he does anything else to cause me harm

posts: 581   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8843306
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