SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So part of what I discovered just about a week ago, Is that my husband has been making visits to local hotels and parks for at least the past 8 years that I can tell.
Some of them are short, 20 or 30 minutes and some of them are 2 and a 1/2 hours. 1 of them was on his birthday, just 3 years ago, At the same time I was going through my father Dying as well as opening up a new business and one of the most stressful times in my life. So, how in the world can I investigate if this is a typical affair or hookers? I feel an incredible need to know

That's tough because it could be either or. There are some waywards and APs who meet up in parks for a quickie and then spend time at a hotel when they have an opportunity. But, the same could be said for sex workers. Meet in a spot for 20-30 minutes to take care of the transaction, but then go to a hotel for a "special" occasion like a birthday. Have you been able to track down any credit card charges or bank withdrawals to coincide with the dates?

No one can definitely say with 100% certainty (other than your husband) but I would guess hookers.
This is the same man that gave you oral hpv 4 years ago? The more partners = the higher the risk of STD’s.
Various local hotels, the short time and the parks... indicate quick hookups, as in where time is a key factor. If this was a "typical affair" there might be more time for chit-chat and feeling "special" rather than the quick closing of a business transaction.

Have you confronted him with what you know?
Keep in mind that if he get’s good-old Oral Anna to give him a BJ at the local park for 25 bucks, and Oral Anna has already given 423 other men some form of sexual service since her last STD check, and she has been using the same gear as all the other junkies in her crack-den then he’s bringing home all those opportunities to infect you with something really nasty...

This is common behavior for men,who are hooking up with other men. Men meet in park bathrooms, quick hotel visits,etc.

My best friend had this happen to her. She was shocked.

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:17 PM, Tuesday, June 25th]

In this case it should not matter. He stopped being your husband with the first visit. You will drive yourself crazy trying to get the info. Find a good PI. That probably takes a day or two. Once you know then you have choices. Mine would be divorce but this is your life.

Please see a dr asap and get tested for EVERYTHING!

I guess I never thought about other men. I really doubt it. Then again, I'm not sure I ever knew shit about him.

I've looked into hiring a PI, but the only ones I came up with locally seemed to be more for insurance fraud or missing persons? How do you find them??

I'd rather someone else do this work, instead of me trying to find time to privately search. Here's me laying in bed unable to sleep debating on going downstairs to search some the computer more at 130am. This absolutely sucks.

Why do you need proof?
Whom are you trying to convince?
Do you have doubts that he is cheating?

There are so many unknowns that are tormenting me. Was he EVER faithful in the 33 years we have been married and 35 years tigether?? How many people did he cheat with? I can't stop digging. 9 years for sure now. I started looking at his business trips. I see him hopping from his hotel to one 8 minutes away at 1, 2am, then staying at the 2nd one til 8am, then going to an opera house, a zoo, botanic gardens....I feel like decades of my life are not at all what I thought. Whenever he traveled, he "hated" it. Hated being away from me, expressed how he couldn't wait to be home. He ALWAYS did this. Still does. I have no details that he has admitted and I think underneath all this digging is because I need enough proof so he can't possibly try to deny it any longer. I need the truth like i have a giant infected splinter stuck in me and i can't even think about it healing until it's out. I want the proof because my extended family simply won't believe it without it. I want the details, who, where, when, because I want to know how far back this has gone. I think I'm just drowning right now

BRBLife

Are you in IC? And have you talked to your doctor about anti-anxiety meds to help during this acute period? (get STD/ST full panel test as well).
These are things many of use found helpful to stop a bit of the hamster wheel running in your mind. He may be able to help with sleep issues, too.

As for proof from the past. Totally get that. I know my XWS had a nearly 2 year affair. And it had me question the 23 years before that and the reality is I will never know for sure. And even if I got pieces of truth, I can never know the full truth. It sucks.

Are you thinking that if this is a one-time thing, then you can try to forgive? And if it is the whole relationship, then clearly you will D. But what about the middle ground?

Also, I think a PI will only be helpful for what he is doing now. Only you WH can tell you what happened for all the past years. (Unless you can do some financial forensics, but that may be too far gone as well).

This is all so fresh and new for you. And it is really devastating. Your reactions are normal. Focus on you, your health and getting your feet grounded.

I think I'm just drowning right now

This is a trauma response. Your brain is trying to piece together the information to figure out if you are safe or not. The fight/flight/freeze response doesn't distinguish between infidelity and being chased by a bear and about to be eaten. Your brain is trying to make sure that you're safe, but can't put the pieces together yet.

Was he EVER faithful in the 33 years we have been married and 35 years together?? How many people did he cheat with?

It may be difficult to find this out for sure. Cheaters lie and then they lie some more. Because cell phones and tracking are fairly new, it would be difficult to piece all of this together.

He's going to deny it, no matter the amount of evidence. I would then bet that he will go on the attack and try to become the victim. Check out the term DARVO.

I want the proof because my extended family simply won't believe it without it.

You don't have to prove anything to them. It doesn't matter if they believe it or not. It's your M and not theirs.

Can you see who paid for the hotels?
Can you access his accounts and see if there are any significant financial withdrawals on the same or adjacent days? Prostitution at this level tends to be a cash-only business.

So here is another reason why I keep digging. Do i have pretty solid proof he spent time at local hotels quite a bit in 2015 to 2019? Yes. Do I have pretty damning proof that he was hotel hopping during work trips in a similar time period? Yes.

Do I have any proof more recent? Flirting, absolutely. More? Nothing concrete. Is he apathetic toward me? Yep. Ignores me? Yep. Looks at half naked Instagram models? Yep. Drinks too much? Absolutely.

Do we still laugh together? Yes. Is he "trying" right now? Yes. Have we ever tried counseling? No.

I picture myself with a burning house and a bucket thinking I can fix this.

I don't know. I don't WANT to be divorced. I still love him, pathetic as that sounds. I have no admission. No "other person". Nothing concrete. Dammit.

Amygdala is the part of the brain that takes over when it senses danger. It does not recognize a lion from a cheater. It just knows you are at risk. This is the fight or flight response. It means you are having a hard time making decisions or doing ordinary things. It wants you to run or freeze or fight. Don’t try to process complex issues. Take it one step at a time. Get a PI. If one is not interested ask who they recommend. Believe me, they all follow cheaters. Get to a dr for testing and meds for anxiety. You need to calm your brain down. Then you can make decisions.

This is so cruel to do to another person. I am so sorry you are wondering about everything in your marriage. Please take care of yourself.