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Newest Member: Daughterofthemosthigh

Divorce/Separation :
Feeling guilty over pulling the trigger

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 Angie41 (original poster new member #84679) posted at 5:55 PM on Friday, June 21st, 2024

I please need the help and guidance of the wise & wonderful people at SI. Sorry if this is long. I'm so confused and I don't know why.

The background to my story is here https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/662636/still-reeling-after-d-day-revelations/

In January, on a cruise he took me on, my WH of 17 years, together for 24 years, told me he is having an A, loves me but is not in love with me, we're 'roommates', he loves me like a sister, I'm not his person, he is numb to me after his mother's death and 24 years is too long to be with the same person and that he has wanted a D for years. A week after D Day he told me he was looking for someone else two years ago and 'there's a darkness' in him.

He has been incredibly cruel and cold, rewriting our marriage, blame-shifting, gaslighting - all the things in the cheater's handbook I've experienced in the last few months. So much of the poison he spewed is so untrue.

Now, it feels like his mask is back on and he is 'missing me as his best friend' but wants the D. I can't live on crumbs and hopium. I'm his wife, not some platonic friend. He's very good at playing Mr Nice Guy though it feels like I have seen his true colours now.

I moved out with the kids at the start of March as I couldn't cope with the manipulation and mind games he was playing with me.

I have loved this man with all my heart and have been so deeply traumatised by this that it has consumed my life for the last few months and affected me and the kids so so profoundly.

He never once told me how unhappy he was until D-Day.

My question is that for someone so desperate for D - and he is still full throttle in his A - and totally not remorseful and delusional about the impacts of blowing up our lives, especially our kids lives and causing so much deep pain and trauma - why has he not filed for D yet or sold the house as that's what he said - we will sell the house and then he will D me?

Is it laziness? Is it cake eating as I am still paying half the expenses of the family home where we all used to live and where he lives now?

He tells the kids they will have to look after him in his old age as he won't have any money, knowing that they will tell me that. Does he want me to feel sorry for him?

I don't think it's that he doesn't want the D and is regretting his choices. He seems set on this path and ready to escape to his much younger AP. This fuel to his ego of a younger woman and a fellow trail runner must be immense.

I went to see a D lawyer in April and felt empowered to take charge of my life and map out a healthier financial and emotional future for the kids and I and get out this limbo.

I didn't have the money to do the settlement agreement and the lawyer contacted me recently asking if she must close the file. I told her I will pay and file the docs in the next two weeks. WH knows I've seen a lawyer and plan to file for D. He just seems relieved he doesn't have to do it.

Why do I feel so guilty for going ahead with this D as this all looms closer? His aunts have told me not to and that he must file if he wants the D and that others in the extended family had affairs and R'd.

R was never an option as my pleas for any kind of marital help fell on deaf ears with him. He wants out and has convinced himself this is the way to freedom. He told his one aunt the OW who is 'just a friend', is divorced and perfect and has no baggage. And that when he looks at me and the kids, he thinks is this is it, there must be more for him than us.

I feel so guilty that I am the one doing this when I think of my kids knowing I D'd their dad, even though all I am doing is the paperwork and protecting the three of us, he is the one who absolutely pulled the trigger on our M and on everything we built together and has told everyone he wants a D. What if he flips this and tells the kids mom ended the M even though it's not true, he is the destroyer.

Why must we as the betrayed have to do all these horrible things like file for a D we never wanted, have all the responsibilities of everything, as he gets to escape to his 'new life' and we have to pick up the pieces. Today, everything just feels so unfair. I just feel so overwhelmed and unsure of myself.

I know I shouldn't worry what his family or anyone thinks, no one is living in my shoes, they all know exactly what he told me and what he's done even if they don't want to accept he is having an A.

I need to make the best decisions for us. It's just that walking away from 24 years feels so incredibly brutal. Then, there are no signs - no action - that the M can be saved. He is a complete stranger now but sometimes I want to imagine the man I love is still in there somewhere. I've seen signs or imagine I have - again, hopium. I don't even know if I can ever love him in the same way again as he is not who I thought he was. I have lost so much respect for him now and even feel pity for his stupid destructive choices.

He says he 'feels like a monster' and sometimes I think he is one.

He told me after D Day that he had the A and wants the D 'cos he didn't feel loved, respected or liked and I don't why that's haunting me and now I'm back to blaming myself for all of this even though I know I was a loving, honest, supportive, loyal, kind and faithful wife and I did my best and put this man on a pedestal forever.

We all have flaws but nothing justified this horror that he has inflicted on us. If anything I felt unappreciated most of the time as 95% of everything fell on my shoulders yet I didn't go fuck strange and abandon my family and my vows.

Please help me see some light here. It's just been a wobbly few days.

[This message edited by Angie41 at 6:11 PM, Friday, June 21st]

posts: 32   ·   registered: Apr. 3rd, 2024   ·   location: Johannesburg, South Africa
id 8840408
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 6:08 PM on Friday, June 21st, 2024

I feel so guilty that I am the one doing this when I think of my kids knowing I D'd their dad, even though all I am doing is the paperwork and protecting the three of us, he is the one who absolutely pulled the trigger on our M and on everything we built together and has told everyone he wants a D. What if he flips this and tells the kids mom ended the M even though it's not true, he is the destroyer.

Why must we as the betrayed have to do all these horrible things like file for a D we never wanted, have all the responsibilities of everything, as he gets to escape to his 'new life' and we have to pick up the pieces. Today, everything just feels so unfair. I just feel so overwhelmed and unsure of myself.

It isn't fair I think it's horrible that we get betrayed and also have to be initiator of the D. I left my M because my xWS had multiple A's, was not remorseful and is emotionally abusive. Yet I still felt guilt at ending the M. I will let you know that it does get better and the guilt does go away. I think in those initial stages it is so scary...the unknown and also how it will affect the kids, and it will but they will eventually grow to accept it and see you as a source of strength.

My XWS flipped it on me said I am the monster not him because I broke up the M, yet he has taken no responsibility for the breakdown of the M. This used to bother me a lot when I first left, but now I could care less. It just takes time. And the kids will watch you recover and be happy again. Take on new adventures in life and they will see it. My daughter who once was devastated that me and her dad would not be getting back together now sees that it has been good for everyone.

An IC really helped me get through my D. I highly suggest either a therapist or D coach while you are going through this.

fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8834   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8840412
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 Angie41 (original poster new member #84679) posted at 7:06 PM on Friday, June 21st, 2024

Thanks so much crazyblinsided for giving me some hope things will get better. It is so horrible. I'm so sorry for the nightmare you experienced and that you had to carry that guilt on top of it. I'm glad it does get better and ultimately goes away. So unfair that we have to carry that shit too.

My kids are my biggest worry. What if they don't understand for a long time why I had to do what I had to do, that I truly have no choice here. It's either D or live in limbo for years and in a sham marriage while he blatantly has his A and deserts us as he has.

I hope they will see me as a source of strength one day, my 15-year old son told me he is so proud of how strong I am. I felt so amazing that day. I didn't drop this bomb on their lives, it was their own weak and cowardly father, and it kills me that he isn't even man enough now to do what he said he would do, it's easier just to live in his A bubble. I know that summons will pop his bubble though as it will make it all so very real. The fantasy comes up with consequences. As my mom says, every action has a reaction.

Your XWS flipped the narrative and I bet mine will do the same. I'm glad you could care less now. I pray I get to that indifferent stage one day. You're so mighty!!!

Sometimes I think I should leave it, wait for him to file so HE can live with the guilt. Though, that's also stupid 'cos it feels like I'll be living in that limbo forever if I don't take some power here. I'm 45 years old, I don't want to give more precious time and energy to this toxic mess and just need to put it in my rearview mirror, even though it hurts so much.

I'm so glad your daughter adjusted so well to it in the end. I worry with mine as she is super close to her dad and who knows what nonsense he will try to brainwash her with. I will look for a D coach, and am lucky to have a wonderful therapist who I haven't seen for a while and I think that's part of this funk I'm in the last while.

posts: 32   ·   registered: Apr. 3rd, 2024   ·   location: Johannesburg, South Africa
id 8840432
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 8:01 PM on Friday, June 21st, 2024

Stop. He ruined the M with his choices alone. He hasn't made those "Brave next steps" because he is anything but brave. Plus why D when you can do the hard part and all the paperwork.
Do not bear his burden. Be proud that you are doing what you need to do for you.

Me: FBSHim: FWSKids: 23 & 27 Married for 32 years now, was 16 at the time.D-Day Sept 26 2008R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 20207   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8840442
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 12:04 AM on Saturday, June 22nd, 2024

Why are you paying half the bills at the house and paying all the bills at your new place? Of course he doesn't want to file for D.

It's hard, and it's not fair, but the best thing you can do for you and the kids is push the D and the sale of the house, so you can all move forward.

posts: 464   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8840458
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 4:35 PM on Saturday, June 22nd, 2024

He's perfectly fine with you paying half the bills..and keeping his money. He's not in any hurry to divorce, because the marriage is an afterthought. He didn't consider it when he started the affair..so he's not considering it now.

He pulled the trigger. He and ow basically came into your home,and metaphorically beat you,and the kids, with ball bats, smashing everything in the home. He destroyed things. You filing isn't you ending it. It's already over. You filing is simply you cleaning up the mess He left,so you can rid yourself of old garbage,and move on.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:36 PM, Saturday, June 22nd]

Our field of dreams,engulfed in fire..and I'll still see it,till the day I die..

posts: 6774   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8840522
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 5:54 PM on Saturday, June 22nd, 2024

Wow. He is a champion cake eater.

He wants you to file for D so he can control the narrative about how horrible you are. rolleyes Plus why not get free rent from you? It’s a pretty sweet situation for him. No one who really knows you will believe any of it, so don’t worry about what others think. And your kids will see that you are a kick-ass mom who won’t tolerate this crap — and they will respect that (even if they don’t understand right away. With time they will get it).

File D and stop ENABLING his shitty behavior. You need to get in front of this to have the best possible outcome for you and your kids. I KNOW this is not what you want. But you have to do it anyway.

I am so sorry he put you in this predicament. What a selfish selfish a$$.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6059   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8840534
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StillLivin ( member #40229) posted at 4:50 AM on Tuesday, June 25th, 2024

Stop feeling guilty and stop concerning yourself with everyone else's opinions. Opinions are like assholes. YOU are the only one who has to live this nightmare. You need to protect yourself and your kids because he absolutely doesnt give a F that he's continuung to traumatize you and the kids and is still stabbing everyone in the back. THAT is the only thing you need to be concerned with. File, and make sure it is as advantageous as fairness dictates (meaning the law allows).
You didn't do this to him or your family, he did, and is still doing. Like you said, R isn't even an option. Stop giving a F why he's doing what he's doing. You're focusing on the wrong thing. He isn't your concern anymore. Cry and rage all you need, but disengage.

"Bitch please a good man can't be stolen." ROFLMAO - SBB: 7/2/2014

posts: 6099   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2013   ·   location: AZ
id 8840758
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 Angie41 (original poster new member #84679) posted at 10:30 AM on Friday, June 28th, 2024

Thank you so much everyone - this is exactly the wisdom that I needed to hear. I'm so grateful to you all. It's a dose of hard reality that I admit I've struggled to accept and come to terms with.

I know what I need to do now and that I have to get this D underway and free myself and my children from infidelity and this sham marriage and cut this darkness and poison from my life.

You've helped me see that I don't need to feel guilty for his destruction of our lives. He is the one that needs to feel the guilt and carry this shame.

[This message edited by Angie41 at 11:19 AM, Friday, June 28th]

posts: 32   ·   registered: Apr. 3rd, 2024   ·   location: Johannesburg, South Africa
id 8840998
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