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Reconciliation :
Weird question tonight…. Lately the only thing that helps me feel relaxed and semi-normal is being with my WS. I don’t now if it

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 AdLarue17 (original poster new member #84917) posted at 3:07 AM on Friday, June 21st, 2024

Weird question tonight…. Lately the only thing that helps me feel relaxed and semi-normal is being with my WS. I don’t now if it’s because we have been doing so well together or what. I even thought well maybe it’s because then I am sure of what he’s doing. But I don’t think that’s it or maybe not all of it. I even had a hard time spending the day with my daughters today because I wanted to be with him. Will this pass?

[This message edited by AdLarue17 at 3:08 AM, Friday, June 21st]

posts: 17   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2024   ·   location: Virginia
id 8840268
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Groot1988 ( member #84337) posted at 5:08 AM on Friday, June 21st, 2024

Hi!

I feel similar (sometimes).
Some days I want him to be home and not leave and in those moments I ask myself why? Is it because I want to be with him? Spend time with him? Listen to his day? No.

Most of the time I want him home because I know if he’s home then I’m "safe" and I can relax (just a little) knowing he isn’t out destroying my life.

I think the bigger question is why do you want to be around him?
Don’t get me wrong , there are days I love to see him but most of the time I prefer the time alone but I want him "accounted for "

I don’t know when dday was for you but im 8 months out and some days are just brutal. shocked

I can’t tell you if it gets better but I can tell you on the days I really want him here I ask myself why and I’m honest with him too even though it hurts. Sometimes I like to lay in bed and him on the couch just knowing he’s here. I’m not saying that is you. Just my take on it, I gained a little more control in my mind

Married 5 years (together 11) Four children Me Bs 36Him WH 35- 4 month PA Dday Oct 6- lots of TT final disclosure Jan 16.

"If we walk through hell we might as well hold hands, we should make this a home"- citizen soldier

posts: 347   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2024   ·   location: Darker side of gray
id 8840281
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Painful23 ( new member #84708) posted at 4:19 PM on Friday, June 21st, 2024

I feel the same way at 6 months since finding out my husband has been a serial cheater for at least 10 years of our 34 year marriage. He is working hard on himself and is doing the right things to build this marriage 2.0. Most of the time I only feel safe when he is with me. I think this is the trust issue, I think. When he is right next to me I know that he is not cheating. In my head I know that right now he is being faithful but my emotional side is a different story. Taking it one day at a time.

I am strong, I am smart, I am brave, I am worthy

posts: 19   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2024   ·   location: New York
id 8840371
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Jskw458 ( new member #84974) posted at 3:39 PM on Sunday, June 23rd, 2024

I can totally relate to that. About two years into this journey and separation is still hard. She went away for a few days and that was hard. Same thing happens when I’m on business travel.

I don’t see it as something negative but I do acknowledge there is more emotional dependence than we’ve probably ever had. I think I need this more than her as well - a bit for safety but also a bit for these moments when dark thoughts come and I start going down that rabbit hole we all know.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Jun. 23rd, 2024
id 8840630
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 6:21 PM on Sunday, June 23rd, 2024

If he is with you, you know what he is up to. Totally normal at this stage - you are very raw.
But don’t be supervised if you also find yourself triggered being near him and then neutral and all in 10 minutes.
It’s a roller coaster…

Will it pass? If trust is SLOWLY built back, then that you start feeling less threatened when not near him. This is all your lizard brain working out keep you safe.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6059   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8840638
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Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 12:00 AM on Thursday, June 27th, 2024

While surviving infidelity, I think we all want to feel "normal" again, as quickly as possible. Any sense of normalcy is better than dealing with the shit storm. We hold on, somewhat desperately, to what was because what will be is so uncertain.

Will it pass? Probably. We all go through phases while recovering.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 12:00 AM, Thursday, June 27th]

Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown

posts: 6710   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8840919
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Fantastic ( member #84663) posted at 3:32 PM on Friday, June 28th, 2024

It happens to feel safe when we are together.

However do not forget they were messaging the AP also from home, sending them pictures and having a connection with them even from the same couch they were sitting with you. What goes through their mind even if at home we cannot know.

Ask yourself what makes you really feel safe. I felt safe because I had his GPS location. He was where told me he would be. The missing detail was WHO HE WAS WITH.

Is your present safety real? What has changed?

posts: 147   ·   registered: Mar. 28th, 2024
id 8841052
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 AdLarue17 (original poster new member #84917) posted at 6:18 PM on Friday, June 28th, 2024

You asked what he has changed… well, he has his location shared with me, AP is blocked every which we way we can think of (phone number blocked, blocked on all social media), he shows me his phone whenever I ask, he works from home now so since I’m off for the summer, we are together a lot more. Which is actually nice. He’s doing everything I ask. And more.
I think I just wish it was making me feel better. I mean it does but I still have these bouts of burning pain in my chest when I think about the whole thing.

posts: 17   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2024   ·   location: Virginia
id 8841107
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Fantastic ( member #84663) posted at 2:28 PM on Tuesday, July 9th, 2024

I strongly believe it is an inner thing to feel safe. A person can be blocked one moment on the phone or social media, then can be unblocked and blocked again. All these actions are aimed at making us feel safe but are they really?

My husband as I said didn’t lie when he was telling me where he was and his GPS position confirmed that. Except he wasn’t alone…

I am regularly spying on the FB POS as she is an idiot and publishes all her posts public. I see her stories on Instagram, I know where she is, I can check her health after she had cancer. Then I block her so she cannot find me. So couldn’t my husband do the same?

As I said it is something happening inside you if you feel safe or not. The technical details (blocking one’s phone, GPS etc) are just so we feel ok and they can continue to lie and deceive us because they are so good at it, or they could do it because they really are safe and want to do the right thing. Don’t put your attention on the details but look at the wider picture.

[This message edited by Fantastic at 1:39 PM, Wednesday, July 10th]

posts: 147   ·   registered: Mar. 28th, 2024
id 8841951
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:55 PM on Tuesday, July 9th, 2024

How far are you from d-day? As you know, the SI rule of thumb is 2-5 years for recovery. It looks like most of us (I haven't done an actual count) hit rock bottom and then feel better and better as time goes on, but the early months are awful, and the improvement is awfully slow, even with a truly remorseful WS.

IMO, it takes thousands of trust-(re)building actions without a break for a WS to be believed. You've just heard some TT, and that resets the clock.

IOW, you won't feel this bad all through the 2-5 years, but you do have to go through a period of feeling awful. You've been traumatized, after all. It's not your fault. It's unfair. You have to go through it. Life will get better.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 30044   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8841958
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