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Newest Member: Daughterofthemosthigh

Divorce/Separation :
Lifestyle changes


 Mari104 (original poster member #63422) posted at 9:06 PM on Wednesday, June 19th, 2024

Hi everyone. It's been awhile since I posted on here. I always feel like my SI family understands things like very people can. For those that don't know my background, I have the typical cheating, selfish, egocentric, untrustworthy ex-husband. Mine just took this role a bit more serious and is a true jerk. Anyway.....I just wanted to know if someone on here has dealt with a similar situation that I am now having to deal with. Also was hoping for guidance and reassurance.

My XWH did get his "dream" position as a GM last year. It was not with BMW, but with Ford. (Which in his eyes, was a downgrade). Either way, that was short-lived, as he was fired from the company in November of last year. Yes, fired. This is the same company he worked with the OW in. The same company he put in front of his own children. The company that had "promised" he would eventually become GM of the BMW dealership that he poured his heart and soul into for years. The same company that the OW is apparently still working for. grin But here we are. Of course, I did not find out from him, but rather from a close friend that still works there. Months later, I hinted to him that I knew and he did not deny it. The alimony and child support payments continued as normal, so I did not question anything. I also came to find out that he got hired at another dealership in March, with the same management position he held years ago. But again, he never mentioned anything to me at all. A couple of months ago, he made a comment to me about having financial difficulties and not being able to pay for his portion of medical bills and extra-curricular activities that we had agreed upon. (I have an app that I download everything I pay for out-of-pocket with copies of receipts and other relevant information.) We are supposed to reimburse each other within 30 days and he has never really done that. He pays me when he "feels like it". Sometimes it is every 3 months. Sometimes every 2 months. Sometimes he goes longer. I never really complained about it because he has been consistent with the alimony and child support.

Last week, I messaged him about a large medical bill I had received for our daughter and registering our son for soccer next season, both of which he is responsible for 50% of. (I wanted to make him aware of this expense before paying and downloading it in the app. Which is what I do every single time.) He responded "I have been trying not to think about how to tell you this but I just have to come out and say it. I just can't afford it any longer. I truly don't know how I can afford to pay you the amount. My pay is different now and I'm now sure how to move on. Not sure if we have to go to court and have my situation accessed over. I just can't make all these payments like I use to. I have no lifestyle any longer so I'm just left to tell you as it is. It's not that I don't want to pay you, It's that I just don't have it to pay as you can see on the app." As most of you know, I work at a law firm that practices family law. I immediately spoke to my boss about it and his immediate response "No, that is not what was agree upon. He has made choices that have put him in this position." The thing is......I understand his pay has decreased. (Even though I have no idea how much) But of course, that is the only thing my XWH is looking at. He is not looking at the "big picture". Him and the OW purchased a huge, expensive home 2 years ago. (They are 2 adults with no children at home. Neither of our children have ever slept there. Our son visits him for 4 hours a week and our daughter refuses to step foot to his home.) Both him and the OW drive BRAND NEW X5. He purchased an expensive engagement ring for the OW last summer. They like the image of the lifestyle they are living. I, on the other hand, live in a moderate townhome with both our children and 2 dogs. I still drive the same car I had when we were married. (I have had it since 2018) I did not want to put myself in a financial position where I was using all my income on a huge home or fancy car. I rather be able to give my kids things they like and do things together. I have gone on a vacation with both my kids every summer since 2022. I take my kids out and try to have as much fun with them as possible He choose his financial priorities and I choose mine.

He is now saying that we have a lifestyle and he doesn't and it isn't fair. mad And how in the world is that OUR fault??? These are things that I most certainly will need to bring to the court's attention! ALSO, no one even knew that he was living with the OW at the time of our divorce. He had another household income already helping him during that time. Now, he still has that extra that also needs to be taken into consideration. It works both ways. If I move in with someone, I lose my alimony. So if he is living with someone, that should count towards him trying to decrease the amount he pays me. ALSO....the logical thing is if you are struggling financial, how about downgrading one of your fancy vehicles BEFORE trying to take money away from your children and their mother???? OR maybe downgrade your huge home that you don't need, because you are only 2 adults!

My biggest issue is what he is saying to our kids. Father' Day was Sunday. My daughter barely goes out with him. (She sometimes goes out Father's Day and his birthday.) Instead of using his time to bond with his kids, he spent the entire 4 hours with them complaining about how he has no lifestyle. He actually said to our kids "I love that you guys are going on vacation. I can't go anywhere because I have to pay your mother. But here you guys are wearing brand name clothes and living a luxury life style" rolleyes My kids were upset. We do not live a luxury lifestyle. Yes, I buy my kids nice clothes at times. Yes, I take them out to dinner and do things with them. I just choose to spend my money on making memories with them rather than driving around a new car and pulling up to a huge home. And now we are going to be punished for this? mad When I received his text message on Friday, I responded "Father's Day is Sunday. Why don't you focus on your day with them and having fun. We will touch base next week about this". I did this because I know how he is. I did not want to get into a conversation about money with him because he becomes extremely demeaning. I did not want this to turn into an issue that he then used my kids as his personal "dumping ground" for.....but he did it anyway! mad (And yes, this is documented and it will be brough to the court's attention that he is saying these things to our children.) This has happened way too may times in the past.

I am just annoyed that he is saying this to our kids and blaming what he AGREED to pay me on the fact that he is now struggling. I had a plan to get myself back on track and help my kids as much as possible. Our daughter starts driving this summer and I have to help her with car insurance. I threw her a Sweet 16 party, completely on my own this past February. He literally helped me with NOTHING. But he had enough money to buy an engagement ring for the woman he had an affair with for years. This just isn't fair. Please reassure me that I am not going crazy? Am I being unreasonable here? I mean...he did lose his job and was not working for a few months. My boss told me that we have a strong case and I have every right for feeling the way I do. But sometimes I just second guess myself and don't know how to feel about anything crying anymore. I am just exhausted. It has been YEARS of dealing with him and his selfish a**.

[This message edited by Mari104 at 9:24 PM, Wednesday, June 19th]

posts: 173   ·   registered: Apr. 12th, 2018
id 8840141

crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 9:44 PM on Wednesday, June 19th, 2024

No you are not crazy and if this goes back to court they will look at HIS lifestyle which is a huge home and nice cars and your lifestyle. There is no comparison. I'll bet my last dollar he will lose and have to continue paying what he always has.

fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014

posts: 8834   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8840142

Marie82 ( new member #84924) posted at 3:00 AM on Thursday, June 20th, 2024

In no way is it unreasonable to expect your kids lifestyles to remain the same and expect him to continue payments as they have been. He’s a grown man and responsible for his poor financial and/or job decisions. He sounds fun to deal with, I’m so sorry.

posts: 20   ·   registered: Jun. 9th, 2024
id 8840163

StillLivin ( member #40229) posted at 5:02 AM on Thursday, June 20th, 2024

You might want to consider petitioning for garnishment too.

"Bitch please a good man can't be stolen." ROFLMAO - SBB: 7/2/2014

posts: 6099   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2013   ·   location: AZ
id 8840172

EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 1:37 PM on Thursday, June 20th, 2024

You might want to consider petitioning for garnishment too.

When I was in your situation, just the threat of this magically made money appear.

Do not get involved in all his drama (what they do or do not have), the job he has or lost, etc. Do not entertain any message regarding his woes. Keep it strictly business.

He knows he can not change the amount he has to pay you until he files with the courts; unless YOU AGREE TO IT.

Do not agree to anything less. If he feels he can't not pay it; then he can partition the court for reassessment. Like the other poster said, he may find nothing changes (or gets worse for him).

My ex showed up at my door when our one child aged-out....demanding I agree to reduce CS by half. I told him to take it up with the court. So he did. He ended up paying MORE for one child than he did for two.

My ex would always make comments like yours. Like if we went on vacation, he would say HE paid for that. Ummmmm - NO, his CS amount didn't even cover the cost of their groceries!!!!

Ignore all that noise. That is all it is. You keep your eyes forward and do not worry about their house, cars or ring, etc.

I am not sure the ages of your children, but once mine were teens....I had zilch to do with their father anymore. I would invoice him and let all the other BS he tried to pull just be ignored.

Remember, you will blink and your children will be grown. This situation with billing your ex is a temp situation (although it feels like FOREVER when you are in it). Keep concentrating on knowing this period of time of dealing with him will end and you will be able to conquer it better knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 1:54 PM, Monday, June 24th]

posts: 6903   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8840184

 Mari104 (original poster member #63422) posted at 3:31 PM on Friday, June 21st, 2024

Thanks everyone for your replies. I really need to start doing a better job at taking my emotions out of situations like this and treating them like "business transactions". So much of this has been SO unfair.....I just want my kids and I to finally catch a break and live the life we deserve, after so much was taken from us. EvenKeel, thank you for the reminder that this is not going to last forever. I am drained from dealing with this for so long....and reminding me that there is light at the end of the tunnel is something I need to keep reminding myself.

[This message edited by Mari104 at 2:48 PM, Monday, June 24th]

posts: 173   ·   registered: Apr. 12th, 2018
id 8840339

Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 8:12 PM on Saturday, June 22nd, 2024

Do not threaten to garnish his wages just do it. He can sell one of those big ticket items to pay you. Once he comes screaming on the phone quietly remind him that two of his sperm help make two people who still love him. Then tell him garnishment is easier on you than what he has put you through so "see ya".

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 4274   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8840548
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