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Newest Member: Daughterofthemosthigh

Divorce/Separation :
Finally Accepting that it’s Time to Move On

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 ForTheTeam (original poster member #57856) posted at 3:25 PM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2024

It feels so weird that I forgave him for the adultery, but after countless other non-sex betrayals, I’ll be divorcing him over his choice to secretly buy a car.

It’s the pattern of lies by omission.

It’s the disgust in his voice when he defends himself by rewriting the narrative

It’s my racing heartbeat when I’m sitting at home alone because I’m triggered again just wondering what else I haven’t learned yet

DDay - 3/9/17
Me - BW, 44
Him - WH, 40
Married - 10 years, together 14 years
No Children by choice

posts: 65   ·   registered: Mar. 15th, 2017   ·   location: VA
id 8837293
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 5:27 PM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2024

There is a strange peace when you make the decision and know it is the best one you can make.
It doesn’t change the fear and pain, but there is a little settled part, like an ember that will eventually be the flame.

There are many kinds of infidelity- financial, emotional, physical. All are legit reasons to divorce, and when you have been subjected to multiple forms… you are doing the right thing.

Take care of yourself, and make sure you get EVERYTHING you are entitled to, especially since he takes what he wants. Get the sharkiest shark lawyer in town.

That racing heart thing is hard- but it will end. Soon it won’t be your problem anymore.

Proud of you for protecting yourself and your heart. (((Hugs)))

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6059   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8837324
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 ForTheTeam (original poster member #57856) posted at 8:10 PM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2024

Thank you BB, I’m afraid this is my calm before the storm. I want to maintain my conviction to D without losing my temper publicly or in a way that’s harmful to a successful D.

Im protected financially through a separation agreement that has already cured. All I have to do is file. But I find myself plotting different timeline to maximize the pain he feels when it happens.

DDay - 3/9/17
Me - BW, 44
Him - WH, 40
Married - 10 years, together 14 years
No Children by choice

posts: 65   ·   registered: Mar. 15th, 2017   ·   location: VA
id 8837349
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 8:50 PM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2024

Try to play the long game, but I wouldn't blame you for blowing up at him. Wouldn't it be funny if people's pants did catch fire when they lied?

My (now) XWH bought a car without telling me while I was in the "I'm still deciding on D or R" phase. Part of the reason why I did finally decide to D took into consideration all of the lies. Like your STBXWH, mostly lies by omission.

Life on my own is so much more peaceful and calm because I don't have to deal with the drama llama that XWH is.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3573   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8837358
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 12:08 AM on Wednesday, May 22nd, 2024

I almost D my H two years ago over a non- affair betrayal. I get why you need to D. You just cannot live with the lies and lack of honesty.

So sorry for you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:09 AM, Wednesday, May 22nd]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13971   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8837376
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 ForTheTeam (original poster member #57856) posted at 4:34 PM on Wednesday, May 22nd, 2024

Just happened to look at his location via phone location sharing. He’s been at a short term storage facility for the past half hour. WTF? I wasn’t aware he had anything in storage.

DDay - 3/9/17
Me - BW, 44
Him - WH, 40
Married - 10 years, together 14 years
No Children by choice

posts: 65   ·   registered: Mar. 15th, 2017   ·   location: VA
id 8837434
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 7:53 PM on Wednesday, May 22nd, 2024

Hm. Interesting.

So sorry you're going through this. The lying and secrets suck.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3573   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8837459
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hardyfool ( member #83133) posted at 9:13 PM on Wednesday, May 22nd, 2024

It’s the pattern of lies by omission.

It’s the disgust in his voice when he defends himself by rewriting the narrative

It’s my racing heartbeat when I’m sitting at home alone because I’m triggered again just wondering what else I haven’t learned yet

Amazing, I've wondered so many times what else I didn't know and how anything that comes from my XW must be verified multiple times before I would even consider it possibly true. That feeling of disgust is just palpable, you're not the only one.

posts: 144   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2023
id 8837471
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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 3:24 AM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2024

FTT,

You wrote,

It’s the pattern of lies by omission.

It’s the disgust in his voice when he defends himself by rewriting the narrative

I'm sure he used a different set of lies for every OW he had too.

Amazing that a man can tell so many lies they outweigh the adultery.

posts: 1491   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8837504
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seizetheday ( new member #83712) posted at 5:43 AM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2024

sorry to hear your horrible experiences.

maybe the short term facility is where he is stashing other things you dont know about.

and maybe its in someone elses name so you can't get access to it.

i'd look at the finances to see if he has been squirreling things away for a long time. or turn up at the facility when he is there and surprise him

Me - FWS

posts: 24   ·   registered: Aug. 10th, 2023
id 8837525
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EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 1:17 PM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2024

Just happened to look at his location via phone location sharing. He’s been at a short term storage facility for the past half hour. WTF? I wasn’t aware he had anything in storage.

Any time this happened to me, I consisted it validation that I was making the right decision. It really helped me switch my focus. Hope this helps you along your path.

posts: 6903   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8837545
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 2:47 PM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2024

My decision to D came down to a simple question I asked my WW, one that she failed spectacularly. What I felt afterwards was a combination of peace and grief. It has been a long road for me and not an easy one at that.

I still grieve, but not for her. Actually, once I made my decision, I never looked back. I grieved for the life I would never have. You see, I loved being a husband and a father, and I would never have that again.

Now,here's the but. Although I am lonely quite a bit, I'm okay, because I have peace. Sometimes, I force myself to go back in time and remember the soul-crushing pain I lived in for so long, and it puts my new life into perspective. It helps.

You are at the beginning of a long process of healing. I hope good things for you...

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1835   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8837557
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 ForTheTeam (original poster member #57856) posted at 3:30 PM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2024

Justsomeguy & Evenkeel

So true. It doesn’t remove the pain by the peace does bring clarity. I wake up every morning in a strange state of calm. Usually with a new piece of the puzzle or timeline falling into place. Instead of tearing me open again, it validates me.

Leafields:

I’ve been reading your posts and I have to thank you for putting my feelings into words. After 15 years together, I’m realizing I don’t think any of my emotional issues were this debilitating until WH came into my life. It really isn’t me!!!!

Seize the day:

There is some back story that makes this difficult and kinda pointless…. I filed a separation agreement last year after he secretly took a job on the other side of the country and then said he hoped I would join him (I didn’t move with him) It ripened in January. But he was making real effort and showing more significant progress than ever. I was accepting breadcrumbs because it took filing the separation agreement to inspire real work.

But right on schedule, he has passed the honeymoon phase and is back on his self destructive spiral. During this spiral, he had some deal breaking behaviors and it finally clicked for me. Now we are about 7 days past my discovery of his most recent lies of omission and I’m behaving as I always have in the past….gradually calming down, allowing him to rug sweep, and appearing to be back to ‘normal’.

He is also back in his same patterns. How did I never see that he showered me with travel and gifts only when he was apologizing or feeling guilty! He is currently asking me if I will allow him to take me on a 10 year anniversary trip.

You know what? I think I will! Now that I’m fully aware of this game you play, WH, I’m going to beat you at your own game. You are already out of the house. As long as I change the locks and file for D before you try to visit again, you can’t hurt me. I see you. And I raise you a betrayal. The kind you have served me… the kind that wrecks your world when you discover the other person never intended to make good on promises.

[This message edited by ForTheTeam at 3:32 PM, Thursday, May 23rd]

DDay - 3/9/17
Me - BW, 44
Him - WH, 40
Married - 10 years, together 14 years
No Children by choice

posts: 65   ·   registered: Mar. 15th, 2017   ·   location: VA
id 8837559
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ThisIsSoLonely ( Guide #64418) posted at 9:46 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2024

It’s the pattern of lies by omission.

It’s the disgust in his voice when he defends himself by rewriting the narrative

My WH had a horrible time with lying as well - and not just about the A (and the disgust - all of it). That was part of why it was so hard for me to discern if/when he was lying, because he would lie about things that didn't matter and had nothing to do with the A. Stopping and getting a sandwich from the drive thru on the way home from work but saying he didn't? Check - found receipt - was like 5 minutes before he got home - no chance AP was with him as it took like 2 minutes out of his drive home - but lied anyway. Why? Because he thought I would be pissed he didn't ask me if I wanted anything. Um - what???? I never cared before. Lied and said he came straight home and was held on overtime at work when he really was bullshitting with our NEIGHBOR at the store down the street. Why? Who knows - said neighbor certainly was not helping to cover up his A.

The lying is just the biggest killer for me. So I can see why you would do that over a car - it's just the final straw on a ton of other straws I'm sure.

You are the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. Act accordingly.

Constantly editing posts: usually due to sticky keys on my laptop or additional thoughts

posts: 2359   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8838057
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