SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

5 days before my wedding anniversary in February, my coworker/one of my best friends (now ex) and I went out for happy hour and some drinks. We Ubered there and back to be safe. We end the night around 11 pm and go back to my place. We are both a little tipsy but not wasted. We go down to the basement to play pool with my husband (who is tipsy at this point as well). I fall asleep 20 feet away, only to wake up to the sounds of my coworker moaning. There she was, bent over on of the sofas with her pants off and they have no shame. My kids were upstairs as well. My teenager heard the moans as well. As soon as they realized I woke up, they stopped and tried to tell me they made a mistake and it’s never happened before. I still work with this girl, which has been extremely hard. But I’ve been been with this company for almost 10 years. I was there first and this is my job. This is where I want to spend the rest of my career and I will not let her ruin that for me. She has blocked me on everything and even told others that I am either lying or that she was drugged and he took advantage of her. This infuriates me because when I woke up, I was completely sober (I breathalized before leaving with the kids and I was 0.00). She was not drugged. It was most definitely consensual. As angry with him as I am, I’m furious she won’t take accountability and is spreading lies. She is just so willing to end a 5 year friendship. I feel like I’m mourning the loss of my marriage and a friendship. Luckily, I’ve been at my company for so long and I have a great relationship with my supervisor. I have told her what happened and she is doing her best to make sure that me and her do not have to interact. It makes it easier that we’re both remote, and although we’re in the same department, we are on different teams. I immediately retained a lawyer and was prepared to file for divorce. I was looking for new apartments that me and my children can live in. My husband says this is his rockbottom and he immediately checked himself into a 30 day rehab for alcoholism. He has been sober for almost 90 days. He is more engaged with the children and the house, which was a problem previously in our marriage. He is helping me clean and cook. He is helping me take care of the children whereas before I used to joke that I was a single mom, but also married at the same time. He isn’t staying out all night drinking with his friends like he used to. He is attending AA meetings and has a sponsor. He is going through the 12 steps. I have seen him do a 180 and do a complete change and see that he is really making a true effort on fixing this marriage. Part of the 12 steps is righting your wrongs and admitting your wrongs to those you hurt. Well, come to find out this is not the first time he has betrayed me. He is military and on his way to and from Afghanistan he would stop in Dubai often for a few days and be permitted to explore. He has told me that he has sex with a prostitute there and insist that he used a condom. He has also told me that he has gone to a massage parlor and received a happy ending. These two incidents occurred 7 and 11 years ago. I am utterly disgusted. Not only did he cheat on me, he paid someone to do it. I’m questioning things all over again. Should I have stopped the divorce process? Again, he has made a 180 but I don’t think I can ever trust him ever again. I am so beyond heartbroken.

[This message edited by Amo08 at 9:11 PM, Wednesday, May 8th]

Just wanted to say I really hear you, particularly on the ‘paying for it’ point. Experienced that myself. The disgust is real.

But I have no words about you waking up to that nightmare in front of your eyes. That is severely traumatic and I really hope you have got some help - both IC and possibly also a chat with your doctor if you are not able to eat / sleep / focus.

I’m so sorry. We are here for you.

Welcome to SI and I'm so sorry that you're here. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that are very helpful. Also, there are some posts with bull's eye icons that are hid. The Healing Library is at the top and has the list of acronyms we use.

First, this wasn't a mistake. A mistake is forgetting to grab a gallon of milk at the store. Infidelity takes conscious decisions to betray you. Your WH (wayward husband) is a serial cheater, and he has a lot of work to do to be a safe partner. I'm guessing that he's done a lot more than the 3 you know about. Cheaters lie a lot.

I suggest IC (individual counseling) for you, with a betrayal trauma specialist if you can. He definitely needs IC. Please don't do MC (marriage counseling) until you've both had a chance to heal.

You both should get tested for STDs because there are some pretty nasty diseases out there that can turn into cancer. So, not only has he betrayed you, he has also put your health at risk.

He needs to read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a little over 100 pages and is a great blueprint for him to follow.

You don't have to decide today, but you can watch his actions to see if there's real change or if he's still exhibiting cheater behavior.

I don't think you have a full timeline of all of his cheating. The brazenness of doing it right next to you isn't reflective of the first time you dip your toes in the affair water. He's been escalating to that point, almost for sure.

Welcome to SI, sorry you had to find us. I am sorry to say that this was probably not the first time for them. There has to be a build up to this, no way it was a one and only time.

Hi, I'm so sorry you find yourself here. I cannot imagine waking up and witnessing what you witnessed.

I agree with another poster, I don't think your husband and this co-worker just decided to have sex. There had to be some flirting/communication prior to that night.

It takes a lot more than 90 days to stay sober, recovering is a lifetime. Your husband should not be going out with his friends to any bars ever again. Too much temptation.

You don't have to make any decision about your life. Take time to watch your husband. Actions speak louder than words.

Unfortunately, this isn't his first rodeo, there could be much, much more that you don't know about. I'd consider him a serial cheater.

Currently you cannot trust him, if you decide to stay it is going to take years to rebuild trust, and you will never have 100% trust in him again.

Please find a good IC for yourself to help you navigate this nightmare.

Post as often as you need to, and check out the Healing Library, tons of great articles.

I am appalled at what you had to go through. There are truly no words to describe the level of disrespect and selfishness your husband perpetrated upon you. It sounds like he has become so entitled and has cheated enough to make it a commonplace occurrence in his life, which then progressed into this kind of careless abuse.

I am an alcoholic, a black-out drunk, but I have never cheated on anyone I have been with. Cheating will not be cured by going to 12 step meetings and working the steps. AA has transformed my life, but I still needed therapy for issues not related to alcohol. It is imperative that your husband gets to the root of his cheating and learns how to navigate life without engaging in dysfunctional coping mechanisms. That is what a therapist can help him with. AA alone will not make you safe from infidelity, especially if he is a serial cheater. He will need to do a lot of work, consistently and for the long term, to be a safe partner for you. Interview any potential therapists. They must have experience with infidelity. Any hint of blaming you for the cheating should be the end of the interview. Cheaters need to take 100% responsibility for the cheating. There is a saying here that we are 50% responsible for the marriage and 0% responsible for cheating. That is the truth.

Focus on yourself and watch his actions. He has proven himself a liar, so anything he SAYS is suspect. His actions over the next few months will tell you if he is willing to change to be a better person.

Hope you have had STD panels done. If he is not out of the house, move him out of the bedroom so that you can make clear and logical decisions about your family's future.

You are not alone. You are not crazy. Your feelings are real and are valid.

You are strong and you are going to make it through this.