SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Found out my deceased husband cheated on me in the past recently.I lost him in January and I did not know he was holding secrets before he passed away.Went through the closet on his side to clean it,found a shoe box full of letters from women he cheated on me with.I about lost it and it hurt with me crying.We were married for 12 years and he never opened up to me about it.Plus kids with 4 of the women he cheated on me with.Devastated and he betrayed me knowing the secret is in the grave now with him.My good friends whom have been there for me,Saw the hurt and pain get bad I have been through.The loss part,I have moved on and now this.

[This message edited by hurtwidow at 4:29 PM, Friday, April 26th]

First of all:
I am so sorry for your loss.
No matter what you discover now your loss and pain from his passing is probably paramount.

His infidelities add a new dimenson to that. It’s not one that should be ignored or avoided. You will need to handle that grief, knowing you will never be able to resolve it with him.

I do however want to add one possibly important piece of advice:

Handle his estate as soon as possible...
If you are the typical mourning spouse there is probably nothing you want less than to handle legal issues, but if you have a sibling, grown child, good friend... someone that can handle the process for you. Someone you trust and someone that will guard your interest.
What I fear is if he has four kids and there is a near-universally recognized feeding-frenzy when people think there might be an inheritance and/or some money to go after. The sooner you have all the I’s dotted and the t’s crossed the safer YOU are on this aspect.

He had his put in a living trust,the estate has been settled.I get the house and a piece of property,we did not have kids together.The money from one bank account of his went to help these 4 kids.It was put out equally.I got the money from his 2nd bank account.He had this put in his living trust.

[This message edited by hurtwidow at 4:31 PM, Friday, April 26th]

I am so sorry this happened to you. He obviously had some very deep flaws that he never addressed. I am also relieved that he had his affairs in order and did not screw you over (that happened to a friend of mine, unfortunately). Perhaps that was as good as his love could be.

You will need to grieve this, as the others have said. It is real pain and it damages your memories. Please consider IC to help you work through the many emotions you are having (and they are all valid feelings).

Sending strength and virtual hugs. Keep leaning on your family and friends, and consider IC.

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry for your loss, and now that infidelity has raised its ugly head. There are some pinned posts at the top of the page that we encourage new members to read. The Healing Library has a lot of great resources and has the list of acronyms we use.

For me, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist really helped. One of the things we worked through was the Grief Recovery Handbook. The exercises can be for any type of grief, and really helped me work through a lot of the anger. She also started me on a mindfulness workbook, which did wonders for me.

If you have problems with depression, anxiety or sleeping, please see your doctor for medication. The meds can help you through the initial phase, and you may not need to be on them forever.

Please take very good care of yourself. Infidelity is so incredibly painful.

He dropped dead of a heart attack,63 years old refusing to go to the ER.I am going to sew a therapist on this part for people dealing with indifelity.Read most of those letters about made me puke,mentioned gross acts he did with them.I destroyed those letters burning them

Hurtwidow,
I am so sorry you are experiencing this terrible pain . You lost him and also found out about his infidelities after he passed . Must be so hurtful to know that he lead a double life and never experienced the consequences in his lifetime .

I remember another member in our SI forum where her WH called her from out of state stating that he was in the hospital but suggested the BS not to come since he was with his AP! He passed not long after the phone call.
BS had to organize the funeral knowing he was a cheat .

I am telling you this to let you know that you are not alone .. Dead or alive , remorseful or not , we the BS are the ones that feel the most pain .

Mourn when you still need to mourn but I can assure you that time heals . You are free now and you can start a new life without him. There are still a lot of wonderful things/ people out there . If you don’t mind, I will pray for you .
(((Hugs)))

I am really sorry you are going through this.

Went through the closet on his side to clean it,found a shoe box full of letters from women he cheated on me with.

That was pretty bold and disrespectful to keep them right there in your shared space. Sounds like he didn’t care if you would’ve found them in the first place.

You’ve been heard, hurtwidow.

Were the kids born and/or conceived during your 12 year marriage or was this a secret he was keeping from you from before the marriage?

Kids were conceived by the women he cheated on me with.I cannot have kids,a post op mtf transsexual

So in the 12 years of your marriage?

Reason I'm asking is the age... No kids the first 50 years of his life, and then 4 in the space of 12 years after marriage.
It's just strange... Might help in understanding what he was "thinking".